NATHAN

CHAPTER TWENTY - "ORANGE GERBERAS"

16TH NOVEMBER, FRIDAY

MY EYES DARTED from person to person, searching for that familiar, short figure wearing pink in the streams of pupils, all squeezing down the hallway. The bell had just quickly rang, but the students were all already rushing out.

I searched, and I searched, and I searched. Ro's pink oversized sweatshirt was nowhere to be found, and I was left with both a soft sense of relief and also more stress buried beneath.

I needed to tell someone, and if I was going to tell anyone, it was going to be her.

And as I look through the crowd one more time, feeling rejected, a familiar voice rang out-

"Nathan!"

I turned around, seeing Ro's bright smile as she waved at me. A wave of panic passed through me, but it was soon replaced by a small warmth in my chest as I smiled back.

She attempted to squeeze through the crowd, only to be pushed back by a group of students, and to absolutely no avail. I chuckled as she frowned deeply, settling on gesturing towards the exit and hoping that she got the memo as she nodded.

Moments later, I found myself sitting on the bench of a nearby park, with Ro by my side.

She was humming some melody under her breath. It sounded like some sort of classical music that I couldn't decipher, and it slightly soothed the anxiety that shook through my torso.

"So," She started, while at the same time I said, "Okay."

We both looked over at each other, blinking.

"Oh, sorry-"

"No, no, you can go first," Ro said, smiling gently. Her brown eyes stared into mine with a comforting glimmer, and my fingers quivered with anxiety under her promising eyes.

"Are you sure?" I asked, voice barely over a whisper. Perhaps I was just trying to buy myself some more time before I had to say those words, but I continued, "If you want to, you can-"

"It's fine," Ro echoed. "Whatever it is, you look really nervous about it, so it must be urgent." Her voice was gentle. "You can go first."

I opened my mouth, pausing briefly as my mind tried to put what I wanted to say into actual words.

"I- I have no idea how to start." I laughed nervously, scratching the back of my neck just for the sole purpose of having something against my fingertips. A tender smile tugged at her lips as her hand drifted from my bicep to my shoulder, rubbing back and forth in a soothing manner.

"It's okay, Nathan," She whispered softly. "Take it slow."

I nodded, taking a deep breath in.

You can do this, Nathan.

"Ro, you're one of my closest friends- actually, right now, you're the closest friend I've got." The words stung, creeping and settling in my bones as I breathed out. I attempted a smile, and she returned the bitter, small smile.

"What I'm going to say is probably going to be shocking, or not, depending on if you've spotted some clues here or there." She laughed at my attempt at lightening the mood, and I swallowed.

"And I want to just, tell you this and come clean, I guess."

Ro nodded, hand still rested on my shoulder.

His blue eyes flashed across my mind, and the feeling of his fingers in my hair made my core tremble. My pulse thrummed loudly in my ears, ringing over and over as I attempted to conjure sensible words.

"For the past month, I've been slowly realising things about myself, and it really, really scares me," I admitted, swallowing nervously again. The lump in the back of my throat felt unbearable as it practically burned with fright. My fingers trembled relentlessly at the sound of my own voice, and my heart pounded against my ribcage.

I took another deep breath.

"Listen, Ro, I-" I hesitated, voice trembling. She looked at me, expectant of the news that I had promised. The words buried in me scratched out, screamed out, urging for me to just spill them like a neverending tap.

I breathed out.

"I like boys."

The words that I had dreaded saying escaped from between my lips, and my hands shook with them. They almost seemed laughable - Childish vocabulary with a mere count of three, still enough to change everything I've got within myself.

My mouth was dry, my chest pounded so loudly that I could barely make out my own words, and the words finally began to burn into me.

But, at the very back of my mind, a sense of relief finally washed over.

So I continued.

"I still don't know what label fits me, I don't know what sexual orientation I am, so I still basically have no idea what's going on." I laughed, not really putting any sense of true laughter or amusement into it. "I just- I feel like I don't know anything anymore, and it- it's so scary."

I took a small halt in my words, trying to hear myself over the relentless pounding of my heart.

"Everything is suddenly so new and confusing, and I don't know what's going on, but I just, if you don't mind, I still want you to be here." My mind raced, words flying out of my mouth before anxiety could get to them. "I- I want you to be here, to still be my absolutely amazing friend, because just you being here helps me realise that the world isn't strange and new."

The words were completely spilling, now. The filter from my head to my mouth had long disappeared, and there was comfort in the sense of ranting and confiding in her.

"I hope this, or whatever this counts as-" I gestured between the both of us. "-don't change anything for the both of us. I still want us to be friends, and I still love you in the same way that I always have."

My words trembled. "Even if you don't, after this."

I let out a large breath, watching as Ro sat there, not replying to my words.

The feeling of anxiety rose in my chest as she continued to stay silent after a few moments, and I felt my heart drop down into the emptiness at the bottom of my stomach. Regret began to fill my bloodstream, and my breath hitched with-

Ro laughed.

It wasn't a nervous laugh, it wasn't a laugh that someone would only do when they were trying to defuse a horrid situation, it was a genuine, hearty laugh.

However, it was laced with just the mere slight of strain. I ignored it.

"Sorry, that was such a dramatic monologue." Her voice was breathless as she spoke, and she let out another simple chuckle right afterwards. Her gaze drifted up towards me, and it made just a little bit of the anxiety melt away.  "I feel like I'm in a TV series."

I laughed, relieved at the fact that she was still incorporating humour into her words.

"Nathan, of course, I'll be here for you." She smiled, shrugging. "Honestly, I'd be here for you, no matter if you like it or not."

A quick smile tugged at my lips, and the weights previously crushing my entire being faded, drifting into nothing but an echo of the past at her simple words.

"I mean. never really expected it, but I guess it's just my own fault for assuming things." She shrugged, smiling awkwardly. Her gaze turned gentle as she spoke.

"You like boys, so what? By the end of the day, you're still the Nathan that I know and have been friends with for what, three, four years?" She looked into my eyes, and the tenderness that laid within them made my eyes water, and the pit in my stomach to seal up immediately.

Ro chuckled, and I smiled at her.

"You're fantastic, Nate, and I know- well, I don't actually know, but like, you know, like- oh my god, whatever." I laughed at her jumbled phrase, the little that left of the fear that remained completely dissolving into oblivion.

She sighed, shaking her head at her own stuttering as a smile tugged at her lips.

"What I'm trying to say is, I still love you, and whenever you need me, I'll be right by your side." Ro pat me on the arm. "Okay?"

I nodded.

"I don't know what I would do without you," I admitted. "Thank you."

She nodded, smiling again. "You're welcome."

Then, she took in a deep inhale.

"Phew! That was a deep, emotional conversation that we had there! Not sure if I can take another one of those for like, a good half a year." She pat her hands against each other as if she was patting off sprinkles of dust.

She let out another loud sound of relief.  "I think that was climactic enough to last me my entire lifetime."

Unable to defy the strong urge of relief and happiness, I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around her, filling my sense with her familiar and comforting scent of roses. She returned the hug, letting me beam quietly beside her like a small child.

"Thank you for telling me." Her words were golden, truthful and raw.

"You're welcome." My words were soft, grateful and appreciative.

"Oh, right," I said, pulling away from our embrace and remembering our conversation before. "Didn't you have something to say?"

Ro's eyes widened for just a moment, the smile on her lips fading and softening into a small, bitter tug. It left as fast as it came, only replaced by another that seemed too spontaneous and wide to be genuine.

"No," She replied, speaking quick and hasty. Her eyes drifted down, glimmering with an indescribable emotion instead of the previous careless joy. "It's uh, it's fine."

I frowned, confused at both her sudden refusal to address her previously stated problem, and her quick change and deflation in demeanour. I queried, "Are you sure?"

Ro murmured softly, "Yeah."

I blinked, wanting to question further, but I decided against it as she nodded, confirming her previous statement.

I didn't push further.

Her words were golden, truthful and raw as she softly said, "Thank you for telling me."

And although the previous genuineness of her smile didn't return, the tender look in her eyes still sparkled with care.

So I nodded, smiling enough for the both of us.

I sat on the bench for another few moments, eyes scanning the pattern of the pathway in front of me. The sound of Isabella's footsteps had long turned silent, and nothing else sounded except for the faint rustling of leaves, and the quiet gusts of wind.

I pulled out my phone.

Tapping into that contact by muscle memory, I glanced at the name briefly before I paused, my index finger floating above the call button.

I tapped it.

The phone rang for a few moments before it directed me towards the voicemail. I took a few breathes, preparing myself to hear his voice again, and reminding myself to not cry, or break down-

"Hello. This is Lucas Middleton, I am currently unable to come to the- Nathan!"

I jolted at the familiar sound of my name, pronounced by his soft, comforting voice. It sounded like ambrosia and nectar, and I wondered how that six-letter word could be pronounced so, so lovely.

It hurt to hear, but it was him.

"Nathan, stop trying to hug me! I'm trying to record a message!" He laughed, and I could make out the sounds of my muffled giggles in the background. My heart clenched at the sound of it, both wanting to pull the phone closer to my ear as to relive the moment, and also wanting to hurl the phone across the room and curl up into a ball.

Before I could do anything, I heard him laugh again, followed by, "You know what, I'm keeping this in. Please say your message after the beep!"

"Beep!"

And his voice left, leaving a cold feeling in my chest. I took a small breath in.

"Hey, Lucas," I greeted, imaging as if he was on the other line of the call. A pretty, adorable smile on his lips. "You know, I've been thinking for the past month." I laughed a little, faced by nothing by silence ringing in my ear.

"More specifically, I've been thinking about you."

"I've been thinking about your eyes, and how pretty they are when they're in the sun." I sighed. His eyes in the sun would shimmer like priceless diamonds, baby blue and leaving me breathless.

"That little thing you do with your nose when you read something you don't like." I swiped my tongue across my bottom lip just briefly, feeling chapped and softly chewed skin underneath. "I miss it."

"And I know it's a bit weird, but I think I've been just a bit obsessed with your mouth." I picked at some dirt underneath my fingernail, feeling jittery with both cold and nerves. "I've been wondering lately about how I managed not to do nothing but kiss you for the past eleven years."

The words felt wrong, almost as if I was confessing something that was never meant to be uttered out loud. But if I stopped, the silence became overbearing.

So I continued.

"I don't have a lot of pictures of you," I said. "Considering we've been best friends for so long, the number of pictures of you I have is really tiny."

"You know, sometimes, I wish I had taken more pictures of you," I confessed, followed by a nervous swallow. "I wish I took more pictures of you smiling, cause that's when you're the prettiest."

I imagined him, all gentle and gorgeous.

"Do you know how pretty you are?" I questioned the nothingness, sighing softly. "You look so happy when you're smiling. I mean, that's kind of dumb since smiling means you're happy, but when you smile, it's just-" I hesitated, trying to wrap my head around how to describe the scene that played out in my head.

"-You just look so soft, and amazing, and carefree, and not like those times when you tell me that you're fine." The last word was sharp, possibly from just the number of times it had been said to me. "Sorry, I know it's not your fault. You can keep your secrets if you don't wanna share them."

"Anyway, when you smile, there's this aura thing around you, and it kind of just light sup everything else." I smiled. "It's like nothing else matters, and everything else all revolves around you."

"I wish you'd smile more," I said. "I wish I'd make you smile more."

I leaned against the cold bench back, letting out an exhale at the feeling of cold metal against my back. I looked up, eyes wandering aimlessly across the blue sky, tracing the white clouds with my gaze.

"I read your letter."

I opened my mouth, gathering the words together.

"At first, I couldn't bring myself to even touch it. It meant that I had to open it, and opening it meant that I would destroy one of the few things I have from you." I closed my eyes, letting my fingers swipe across the cool surface of the dog tag. "But Isabella- Wait."

"Do you know who Isabella is? I think she's in your Maths club," I muttered. "She's got pale hair, like you, and sparkly eyes, like you, and she's smart, like you."

I sounded ridiculous. I didn't care.

"She even talks like you, you know? That little stutter you do when you meet new people? And she's so sarcastic as well." I chuckled, the laughter slowly fading away.

"Having her around kind of helped. It just felt like you were still here with me, laughing at some joke I said or something." I swallowed heavily. "It felt nice."

"And especially on Wednesday, we had to go through this album with pictures that we both took. Mine was filled with you, and we had a small talk, chat thing over it."

"She helped me realise that you wrote the letter for me." I bit down on my bottom lip. "If I didn't read it, then no one else was going to, and whatever you've written was gonna just be stuck inside that envelope forever."

I sat back up straight, fingers still tight around the dog tag.

"You know, this really sucks." I laughed bitterly, the tingling and burning sensation beginning to fill my eyes. "Why couldn't this have been like some sort of movie where we fall in love, get married, and you get magically cured? Why did you have to go?"

"Why didn't you say something?" I asked, defeatedly. "W-Why didn't you tell me?"

I swallowed, wiping desperately at the corners of my eyes.

"We could've been kissing, we could've been calling each other cute pet names, and I could've-" I cried, still wiping away at my eyes. "-I could've told you how pretty you are to me, and how much I like your eyes, and I much I love you."

I wiped my eyes again, sniffling quietly to myself. I wondered if there was a time limit, but couldn't care enough to panic.

I took a shaky breath in, trying to stabilize my breathing.

"A part of me still thinks that you're not dead, like this is all a very elaborate joke that you guys are pulling on me." I scraped my nails against my jeans, scratching light circles into the material. "But I think we both know that's not true."

I gulped, feeling the harsh burn at the back of my throat.

"You told me that if you died, you want me to pretend like nothing happened, and told me not to be fixated and just try to move on," I recalled, chest aching with the memory of his voice. "I don't know if you can see it, but I'm trying."

"It's really hard, and a part of me doesn't want to at all, but you told me to," I whispered, voice soft and almost inaudible. "So I'll try, for you."

I sighed, leaning forward and putting my head in my hands.

"I talked to your parents the other day," I murmured. "They told me about how tired you were, and how you were just ready to give up, and how your death was unpreventable."

"They said you died happy." My eyes lingered on the pattern of the pathway. "I think that's the most I can ask for."

I took a final, deep breath in, fingers still wrapped around the dog tag around my neck.

"I love you so, so, so much, Lucas," I said, tears beginning to swarm my view once more. I choked. "So, so much."

"Don't call back, okay?" I asked, laughing quickly and silently as the tears continued to trail. Everything hurt as the sobs wracked through me, but I still sniffled, wiping away more tears with the heel of my hand. "Get some rest."

Through the tears, I hung up.

I cried a bit more.

"You sure you'll be alright?" Elliot asked.

After storing the bouquet in the backseat for an entire school day, his car now smelled like gerberas.

I nodded. He offered me a small smile before patting me softly on the shoulder, eyes looking into my ones laced with red from crying. He murmured, "I'll wait outside."

I nodded again.

I held the bouquet of orange flowers in my hands, my breath hitching as I walked into the school and towards the locker, scattered lightly with stickers, bright sticky notes with comments of how much they missed him, and bouquets of flowers at the bottom - Mostly from our own group of friends.

I kneeled down in front of the locker, placing down the orange bouquet.

Taking the empty stick note that had previously been stuck onto the orange bouquet, I took out a blue ballpoint pen from the pocket of my hoodie, scribbling four short, simple words onto the small piece of paper.

I stuck the piece of sticky note on the locker, and after making sure that none of the bouquets of flowers on the floor had been knocked over in the process of my scribbling, I turned away.

I didn't stop hurting - The pain was still very much there, echoing in the very chambers of my heart and deepening the dark pit in my stomach - and I might never be able to.

But despite the tears rushing out from the corners of my eyes, I smiled.

Not because of joy or relief, but because he would've wanted me to.

Because I finally realised.

Goodbye.

I love you.