NATHAN

CHAPTER NINETEEN - "FEELINGS FOR A FRIEND"

NOVEMBER 14TH, WEDNESDAY

"ROOOOO, I NEED my nails painted again!"

Alex whined as he grabbed at Ro's shoulder, shaking her forwards and backwards as the piece of carrot that had been stuck on her fork dropped onto the centre of her tray. He shook his hand in her face. "They're already chipping off! And I've got a game today!"

Alex quickly shot me a look out of the corner of his eyes, but I just smiled and shrugged, reassuring him I was fine with them playing in a game without me participating. He grinned back in response before resuming in shaking his hand in Ro's face.

"Didn't I give you a bottle of nail polish?" She asked, dodging Alex's hand in order to not get hit. "Why don't you just paint them yourself?"

"Because he's extremely uncoordinated," Spencer answered, looking at Alex's nails in amusement. "The last time he tried painting them himself, he spilt nail polish all over the floor tiles and-"

"Shhhhh." Alex hushed him, and I laughed as he put his hands all over Spencer's face. "Hush child, mommy's talking serious business with Roie pooh."

Spencer raised his brows at Alex before shaking his head and taking a sip out of his water, all too familiar with this kind of situation. Alex continued playfully smacking his face for a few moments before waving his hand back into Ro's.

"You've should've told me yesterday, I could've brought polish over today!" Ro said, and Alex huffed. "I'll bring some over tomorrow, then."

Alex cheered, and he wrapped her into a tight hug. "You're the best!"

"You've been wearing that for literally a week." Myles squinted his eyes, looking at Alex's fluttering fingers as he continued to display his painted nails dramatically. "If you're gonna come out of the closet, there are much better ways than painting your nails bright pink."

I anxiously shuffled around in my seat, suddenly uncomfortable with the feeling of the hard surface underneath me.

I took a big sip of water and wiped my clammy hands on my jeans underneath the table, suddenly feeling jittery and nervous as my mind flashed back to the long, late conversation with Elliot.

It's fine.

I took a deep, silent breath in, attempting to calm my hastily thrumming pulse as I clutched at the edge of the table.

They don't know about you, it's okay.

I bit down on my bottom lip, watching as Alex blinked, gesturing and waving his hands around dramatically.

How would they react?

"Uhm, excuse me, I'll have you know, I've only decided to have my nails painted for the better good of the baseball team," Alex said.

I saw Ro glanced over at me, to which I managed a smile, trying to distract myself from the matters on my mind as I explained, "He's the catcher. Having his nails painted means it's easier for the pitcher to see what fingers are being shown."

I looked at Alex's bright, neon pink nails, tilting my head to the side. "Well, usually they'd just wear white."

"But, as you can very clearly see, I look absolutely spectacular in pink." Alex waved his hands around again, an ear-to-ear grin on his face as Spencer sighed, shaking his head again. I laughed as Alex deliberately flopped his hands around in Spencer's face, hitting him in the face a few times.

I wiped my hands on my jeans again.

"Plus, it's the twenty-first century, a guy can wear nail polish without liking other dudes," Alex said after slapping Spencer across the face a few times with his floppy wrists.

"Besides, even if people did think I liked other dudes and is showing off by painting my nails, I really don't see what's so bad with that." He shrugged, smiling brightly. "Sounds pretty fucking awesome, you know? The rainbows and shit."

I felt my tensed grip against the table loosen, softly releasing an unconscious breath of air that I had held in.

"Yes, Alex, we know that gay people are just absolutely spectacular, now please stop trying to bribe Emma into baking you more cinnamon rolls," Spencer stated nonchalantly as Alex batted his lashes at Myles, who simply ignored him.

Alex waved one of his hands around again, almost as if he was brushing off his best friend's statement in mid-air as he said, "Pff, what are you talking about? I've never heard of this Emma that you speak of."

"You've never heard of Myles having a mom?" Ro questioned.

"Well, technically, he's got two-"

"Please just shut the fuck up," Myles grumbled, balling up a piece of tissue paper with his hands and tossing it at Alex, hitting him directly in the face. "I'm not getting Emma to bake anything for you."

Alex huffed again, crossing his arms and sinking down into the back of his chair. He muttered, "You're just all jealous because I've got prettier nails than you."

"See, Nathan's smiling, he agrees!" Alex gestured towards the uncontrollably wide grin on my face, and I nodded, unable to control the happiness from being shown on my features. The others simply laughed, paying no mind to my irrepressible glee.

"Are you sure he's not just laughing at you being an idiot?" Spencer asked, a mischievous smirk forming at the corner of his mouth. Alex huffed, crossing his arms as Myles hummed in agreement with Spencer's question.

And as Spencer gave Alex another sarcastic remark to something he said, the topic now drifting towards something about coconuts, I realised how lucky I was to be surrounded by such an amazing, marvellous group of people.

Ro looked over at me, sending me a warm smile.

I smiled back.

For the first time in a month, I felt happy.

Really, really happy.

I watched the bright screen in front of us, illuminating the dark room as the sound of the soft melody of the theme song played from the device.

Lucas shuffled against the blankets next to me, causing it to slightly fall off the both of us as I clicked on the controller, biting down on my bottom lip at the movements of the character on screen.

"Lucas?" I asked. He hummed softly in acknowledgement, flipping through the pages of his novel. I continued, "Have you ever thought of, like, getting a girlfriend?"

Lucas paused, leaning back and against the hard wall.

He exhaled deeply. "No, why?"

"I dunno, I guess I've just never seen you interested in a girl before," I replied, shrugging. I pondered if he liked girls like Ro, with black hair and brown eyes, who always smiled and laughed, or girls like Lucy Williams, with blonde hair and blue eyes, and who always had fancy looking makeup on.

He stayed silent for a while, but then put the book that he had been reading next to him and onto my bed. I paused the game on the screen, putting down my controller and turning towards him. "What's wrong?"

Lucas turned towards me, his eyes glimmering with an unknown emotion.

"Do you want me to?" He asked.

I blinked, perplexed at his sudden question, but still continued to answer with, "I mean, I don't think I can force you to get a girlfriend, but-" I paused, properly wondering about the question in my head.

I imagined Lucas walking down the school hallway, holding his bag by his side, and a girl clinging to his arm. They laughed at something the girl said, glancing at each other and smiling tenderly. The boiling and simmering of something horrible rose up from my chest, and it felt like bitter poison was directly injected into my veins.

Then, I imagined him, with a boy.

A brunette, green-eyed boy, who just so happened to be wearing my exact red hoodie, laughing and chuckling.

It was nice.

"No," I admitted, putting my head on his shoulder and leaning into the crook of his neck. I felt him shift under my weight, but then quickly resided and leaned back towards the wall, allowing me to smile against his shoulder. "I think I like it like this."

He laughed, raising one of his brows at me before asking teasingly, "You crushing me?"

I buried my head deeper into the crook of his neck, grinning against the blue fabric of his sweater as I felt him chuckle at the brush of my brown curls against his fair skin. I replied, "Pretty much, yeah."

As I unpaused my game and Lucas continued to flip through his book, I told myself that if Lucas got a girlfriend, he wouldn't be able to spend time with me anymore, and convinced myself that must be why the idea made me simmer with hatred and dread.

Because we wouldn't get time to hang out, as best friends.

And nothing less, nothing more.

Obviously.

"Uh, Nathan, is something wrong?"

I blinked, turning to the source of the voice beside me as I snapped out of the hazy state that I had previously been in. I slowly realised the metallic taste in my mouth came from my bottom lip and how hard I had been biting down on it.

"Oh, no, yeah, I'm fine." I scratched the back of my neck, managing a smile at Isabella, who was staring at me with worry. I chuckled nervously, hoping to distract from my thoughts. "Just, you know, thinking."

She looked at me for a moment longer, but thankfully, nodded and turned back to the path in front of her, not questioning anything else.

It had only been a few mere hours ago when I had an uncontrollably grin on my face, sitting at the lunch table with some of my favourite people in the world, but now, with the pit in my stomach, it seemed like years had passed.

The dull ache prodded and stabbed at me, drilling the heavy pain into my chest, and my heart pulsed and thrummed in a fast, restless manner. It remained under my skin, itching and stinging beneath it, digging deeper and deeper.

But behind the layers of confusion, uncertainty, and aching, there lingered relief.

The constant throbbing in my chest, the warmth that rose up whenever he'd smile at me, the flutter of tingles he'd send up my spine whenever he held my hand, the feelings that had me running around confused, were finally explained.

The explanation was perplexing, scary, and suddenly ripped me away from everything that I had known before in a whirlwind of emotions. It made me want to cry, to scream, to hide from everyone that I had ever known.

But, at the same time.

Just the tiniest, smallest bit.

It was soothing.

It was nice.

Moments later, we pushed open the wooden doors that lead to the library, drifting towards different places before deciding to sit at the familiar spot on the red, carpeted floor right by the wall. 

I glanced down at the red material, briefly running my fingertips along with a certain familiar pattern, but then quickly pulled back as if it was a raging red flame, burning through my skin. 

Despite that, it still provided more comfort than the couches and chairs that surrounded the circular tables, and a soft buzzing and humming appeared at the bottom of my stomach.

"Okay, let's go through the album then," Isabella said, taking out her phone from her pocket. "We can go in turns."

"Sure." I nodded, echoing her actions and taking out my phone. I clicked on the shared photo album, eyes briefly scanning over the pictures, but left them before my heart would clench within itself.

I hadn't really cared for the album all that much. I added pictures and images to it, but had never really gone through it, or looked at the pictures in detail. Maybe I was afraid of looking.

"Do you wanna start first, or should I go first?" I asked, distracting myself from the sparkling blue in his eyes.

"I can go first," Isabella replied, tapping on the first picture in the shared album. It was the school library, only with a sunset with deep maroon seeping out accompanying it in the background, and gentle lighting shining delicately through the thin veil of curtains.

"Here's the picture of the library that I took, a mainly futile attempt at trying to look sophisticated and artistic." Her self-deprecating words did not reflect the rush of emotions that bubbled up from my stomach.

It was soft and lovely.

"I think it's nice." I smiled, not really understanding why the picture enticed me so much. "It's really..." The word escaped me. "Pretty."

Like him.

I was thankful that Isabella didn't pay attention to the hesitation in my voice, and instead had said, "Thanks. I mean, it's not the best but at least it's something."

She shifted in her seat on the carpeted floor. "You can, you know, show yours now."

"Okey-dokey." I scrolled down from the first picture, revealing the image that I had taken just earlier today. I smiled automatically, the sight of the green field making my fingertips sparkle and sizzle with excitement. "So, here's the picture of the baseball game that I took earlier."

"Why do you like baseball so much?" Isabella asked, furrowing her brows in confusion as if doing sports was the worst thing on the planet. I let out a quiet laugh before she collected herself. "I'm not judging or anything, she might ask us stuff, so I'm just, you know."

I nodded, sending her a reassuring smile.

"Well, I like baseball because it's fun!" I declared, enthusiastically. I could feel the smile on my face slowly progressed into a beaming grin at the subject of my favourite sport. "I mean, there are a lot of other reasons, but I just think generally that it's a good sport and I like working with other people."

"Can't relate," She mumbled the words under her breath - quiet and barely audible. I was certain I wasn't meant to catch them, so I pretended like I didn't.

Instead, I looked down as the final, blatant reasoning glared down on me.

"I don't really like silence," I murmured, and Isabella turned her head towards me as if she hadn't been expecting another reasoning from me. "My brother started going to football practices since, you know, being the captain and everything, and since my parents don't really come home all that much, most of the time I just sit in silence in my house."

I didn't mention Lucas with Maths club. Isabella nodded anyway, looking at me with an empathetic look in her eyes.

Really, it was the dread of the empty, large house. Quiet corridors and silent rooms, whispering to me again and again that no one was there for me, and how helpless I always rendered to the horrible, horrible sound of pure silence.

It felt as if I was drowning, trapped and struggling in nothingness.

"It feels like there's no one there for me or around me, and I just- I hate it," I stated, fingers turning restless as my system filled with reminders of the nothingness. "White noise doesn't help, watching videos and trying to past time on the internet doesn't either."

"So I started going to baseball, to I guess to drown out the silence, in a way."

The sounds of laughter from my teammates, accompanied by exclamations of excitement from the roaring crowd was more than enough to seize the silence.

I wondered if Elliot felt this way.

I wondered if this was why he took football.

"Yeah, I get that." Isabella nodded in agreement. "Silence is kind of suffocating, in a way."

"Pretty much, yeah."

She then cleared her throat, adjusting and shifting from the depressing focus over to an image of a small, adorable puppy.

"Uh, okay. Here's a picture of my dog, Bruno." My mouth twitched at the sight, wanting to lean down and do nothing but coo at the small puppy in the picture. She continued, "It was when he was tiny, he's now a gremlin."

"He helps with my stress. Mom got him when, uh,-" She took a small breath in. "When I used to get panic attacks - I mean, I don't get them as much anymore but, he helped."

"He's adorable." I smiled.

"I know he is. Still a little shit, though."

I laughed, before staring at the picture for a while longer. I reminded myself to beg Elliot for a long-awaited dog later, and instead, focus on another image as I scrolled down.

The picture showed my friends, all standing and smiling after attending one of Ro's violin concerts. The corners of my mouth immediately lifted at this, and I looked just for another moment before introducing them from left to right.

"Okay, so these are my friends." I put my hands together in a quiet clap, practically beaming in excitement at the fact of me getting to introduce my friends. "So, here's Alex, he's really good at baseball! He uses his position in the team to pink his nails neon pink, but I think it's just because he likes pink nails."

His painted nails were obvious in the image, as he was holding up two-finger guns, a proud smile on his face. They did, in fact, look spectacular on him.

"He's really funny, and he really, really hates the school food," I finished, moving on to the figure in his dark, purple shirt. "Spencer is the vice-president of the student council! He's super smart, and he's like, the mom of the group." I pointed my finger back at Alex. "They're best friends, and he keeps Alex out of trouble."

Then, I moved on to the tallest in the group, dressed from head to toe in black, with a barely noticeable, but still visible smile lingering on his lips.

"Here's Myles, I met him around a year ago." Isabella stiffened slightly at the moment of his name, but I took it as just my imagination. "He acts super tough and stuff, but he's a really nice person when you get to know him - Really softens up and stuff."

She nodded, still kind of stiff. So, I moved on to the girl in pink, holding her case violin in one hand, and dressing a bright, wide smile plastered all over. I sighed at the pure happiness she looked like she felt.

"Here's Ro!" I introduced her, fondness filling my chest. "I've been friends with her for like, three years, and she's super cool. Have you met her before?"

Isabella tensed up even more. "Uh, sort of, I guess."

"Oh, cool! Anyway, she's super nice and she smiles a lot. She plays the violin, and she's in the school's orchestra, you really should go see her, she's really good." I couldn't really tell, since whatever she played kind of just mixed in with everyone else's, but I just always assumed she was fantastic.

"She's one of my closest friends." The closest one I've got, now. "And I love her."

Isabella completely sat up straight, pulling her knees against her chest and her back away from the wall behind us. Her eyes shimmered as she questioned, "You...Love her?"

I frowned, not understanding her sudden shift in attitude."I mean, yeah. I love all my friends."

She visibly relaxed, even sighing quietly before leaning back against the wall again. "Ah, okay."

Not wanting to raise more questions, I didn't dig at her for it, and instead-

"And, uh." I swallowed. "Here's Lucas."

Isabella's eyes widened.

"Uh, you don't have to talk about him if you don't want to."

You don't have to talk about him if you don't want to.

She meant well, I knew that, but it made me feel as if I had hidden countless skeletons in my closets. As if he was someone to be ashamed of for being friends with. As if his name wasn't worth mentioning, or being placed in my group of friends.

I despised it.

"No, I- I want to," I managed, not wanting to shift my gaze away from his smiling, gentle features. "Lucas, uh, Lucas was my best friend. I grew up with him. He likes-" I gulped, taking the dog tag between my fingers and feeling the cool material against my skin. "-liked, reading, sushi, flowers, and Maths for some reason."

I peered over at Isabella, slightly more relieved when I was greeted with a small twitch of her mouth at my attempted joke.

"Spencer actually used to really hate him because he put Lucas as his competitor for the top place in class." I smiled, remembering how Lucas had merely responded by a shrug at the supposed rivalry between him and Spencer. "Lucas didn't really mind, he congratulated Spencer even though he clearly didn't like him lots - He's nice like that. He likes to tease me at times, but I know he doesn't mean it, and he's super generous and kind-"

I paused, wondering when I had unconsciously switched from past tense to present tense.

I let out a forced, nervous laugh.

"Sorry, uh, I went off on a rant there"

"Oh, it's completely fine," She said. "He sounds like a great person."

"He was." I smiled at the picture. "He really, really was."

He had a soft, tender smile - very much like the one that he'd show me in our late night conversations in my room, discussing things that we'd never talk about with anyone else, and giggling at words that shouldn't be funny.

I'd be lying down on my bed, laughing the loudest at whatever nonsense we'd splutter and murmur to each other. He'd sit upright next to me, fingers tapping on the bedsheets underneath as I cuddled up to him.

And when I'd look up, he'd be looking down on me with the softest, most precious look in his eyes, and a smile so delicate that it made me want to burn.

And nothing else mattered.

Except him.

Ripping my eyes away from the image, I cleared my throat and washed down my past memories. Turning my head and attempting to discreetly wipe the very corners of my eyes, I murmured, "You can uh, you can go now."

When I turned back, the screen displayed a woman next to a small girl, and also a slightly taller girl.

"Here's a picture of my family, and my mom especially." A smile tugged at Isabella's lips. "She's a lawyer, and she tries her best to balance between her career and us. Even though I don't see her a lot, I really admire her - raising two teenagers and a demon for a dog can't be easy."

I hummed quietly in agreement, feeling an unfamiliar rush of warmth at the sight of a motherly smile.

"I'm sure she's a great mom," I complimented, with an ache in my chest.

"She is." Her smile grew larger, like she was beyond glad to have someone recognise her mother as great.

My gaze drifted back to the screen.

The woman's hand was gently rested on the girl's - who I assumed was Isabella - shoulder, and his other rested on the other girl's opposite shoulder. They all looked so happy, so content in their small wrap of cosy, family warmth.

I didn't know when I had forgotten how that felt.

Must be nice.

"Huh?"

I turned towards Isabella's confused exclamation, not realising that I had said the three words out loud. "Oh, no, sorry, it's..." I trailed.

"I just-" Can't remember the last time we sat down together at the dinner table. Or the last time we all laughed together. Or the last time-

"It's nothing, really." I shook my head, putting on another smile. "Let's move on, shall we?"

Without waiting for her reply, I hastily scrolled to the next picture.

"It's, uh, a picture of the red bean bag in my room," I stuttered, and I forgot when I had taken this. It was the exact one that Lucas used to sit on, and the one that I probably couldn't bear to ever sit on again without sobbing.

"I..." I hesitated, staring blankly at the red that covered the beanbag. "It's just comfortable, I guess. A cosy little corner," I lied, scratching the back of my neck.

She moved on to the next picture without question, which I was grateful for.

"Here's a picture of my sister," She said, voice laced with adoration at the image. The figure had dark, messy chestnut hair that matched her eyes, shimmering with delight with the smile on her face.

"It's an old picture, but..." She hesitated, staring blankly at the picture. "I just really like this picture of her. She looks happy." She bit down on her bottom lip.

I moved on to the next picture without question.

"Here are some orange gerberas." They were Lucas' favourites. "That's pretty much it."

"Here's the front of a convenience store at three o'clock in the morning." She smiled. "I will refuse to explain how or why that happened."

"Here's a blue water bottle." I gave it to Lucas. "I liked the colour."

"Here's a piece of sheet music." Isabella took a small inhale. "I liked the composition."

"Here's the front of a sushi shop." That Lucas used to drag me to. "I don't really like sushi all that much, but, uh," I paused, not wanting to lift my gaze away from the familiar sight. I swallowed, feeling pure embers scorch the back of my throat. "He liked it."

And I liked him.

"I let him order from the menu and ate whatever he ordered - California rolls, most of the time." I heard her take a larger, sharper breath in, running her fingers through her pale, brown hair. "And no matter how much he struggled or huffed at me for feeling bad, I'd pay for the bill every time."

"You don't have to reply," I said simply. She nodded.

The next picture was of a girl dressed in a pastel pink sweatshirt. A forever smiling girl with her ebony black, long hair, and her dark brown eyes, and her fingers that pressed down on the violin-

"Is that..." I blinked. "Ro?"

"Yeah."

I peered over at Isabella, who was staring down at the picture with a familiar type of fondness.

"Do you think she's beautiful?" I asked, still inspecting her features.

"Yeah," She answered, nodding. Her lips formed a small, but bitter smile that conveyed everything I could grasp upon. She swallowed. "I think she's gorgeous."

I paused, remembering back to the library.

"Was she your Maths partner?"

She nodded.

"Okay." I nodded back. "That's pretty cool."

Isabella laughed, sounding more relieved at my attempt at lighting up the mood. A faint smile lingered just enough so I could catch it. "Yeah, I guess it is." She bit her bottom lip again. "You don't have to reply, either."

I nodded again, scrolling down to the next, and final picture.

His sparkling, beautiful baby blue eyes shimmering in the warm beams of sunlight. His pale, blonde hair parted in just the right, messy way that it always was in, and his smile.

It was the soft, tender one that he'd give me.

"Here's a picture of Lucas," I murmured, the words feeling like both a stab to the chest and a fluttering butterfly. "It's one of the only close-ups I have of him. He doesn't like cameras and being taken pictures of himself."

"Ah," Isabella stated, eyes darting from the picture to my face."He's smiling."

"Yeah."

There was a pause.

"Do..." She looked at me. "Do you think he's beautiful?"

"Yeah," I answered, feeling the rush of heat behind my eyes. It burned, but I couldn't bring myself to wipe the tears that gathered away. I couldn't bring myself to rip my focus to anything but him. "I think he's gorgeous."

"Okay."

"Okay."

We both fell silent, both looking at the ground.

"I guess we really are the same kind of people," She said, interrupting the silence.

I turned to her, only to be greeted by the sad smile that I had received three weeks ago, in the exact same room, exact same spot.

I smiled.

"Yeah, I guess so."

Me | 6:35 P.M.

ro

Me | 6:35 P.M.

can you meet me after school on Friday?

Me | 6:36 P.M.

i wanna tell you something

Ro Ro Ro Your Boat 🌸 | 6:37 P.M.

Oh, sure!

Ro Ro Ro Your Boat 🌸 | 6:37 P.M.

Is there something wrong?

Me| 6:37 P.M.

no

Me| 6:37 P.M.

its nothing big, really, just something i found out about myself

Me| 6:37 P.M.

ok that sounds really weird but please come!!!

Ro Ro Ro Your Boat 🌸 | 6:37 P.M.

I will, don't worry about it!!

Ro Ro Ro Your Boat 🌸 | 6:38 P.M.

I've actually got something to tell you as well

Me| 6:38 P.M.

:0

Ro Ro Ro Your Boat 🌸 | 6:38 P.M.

:D

Me| 6:38 P.M.

mysterious!!

Ro Ro Ro Your Boat 🌸 | 6:38 P.M.

>:)

Me| 6:38 P.M.

>:)

Me| 6:38 P.M.

talk to you tomorrow?

Ro Ro Ro Your Boat 🌸 | 6:38 P.M.

Sure! And chat after school on friday

Me| 6:39 P.M.

mhm

Me| 6:39 P.M.

bye :)

Ro Ro Ro Your Boat 🌸 | 6:39 P.M.

toodle dee!!