ISABELLA

CHAPTER TEN - "ISABELLA"

16TH NOVEMBER, FRIDAY

I WATCHED AS Ro smiled briefly at Nathan before walking away in the other direction, not looking completely defeated, nor looking utterly overjoyed.

Huh.

I was about to turn away, but it was cut off quickly with, "Isabella!"

Nathan stared back at me, a bright smile tugging at his mouth as he gestured with his fingers for me to come over. I glanced around briefly, making sure that he wasn't referring to anyone else in the area before slowly pattering towards him. 

He was wearing a light purple hoodie with a blue denim jacket, and I slowly began to wonder again how he owned so many hoodies.

"Hi," He said as I sat down on the bench. I nodded.

He shuffled around, clearly aware of the obvious awkward and unsettling tension between us. Nathan scratched the back of his neck before clearing his throat, his fingers reached up to his neck for a moment before grasping onto his dog tag and letting them fall.

"So, uh, what did you want to talk about?"

"I didn't-" Nathan gestured with his hands, only to let them fall and rest on his lap. He ran his fingers through his hair, ruffling them. "-Well, I don't, uh, I don't really know what to say." He scratched the back of his neck again with jittery fingers. "Kinda just wanted to talk to you."

I raised my brows, nodding slowly and turning my head away from the boy. I crossed my left leg over my right, fidgeting with the sleeves of my sweatshirt. Taking in a deep breath, I said, "I don't know what to say neither."

We sat in silence.

"There's this girl that I like."

I focused back on him, to which he scratched the back of his neck again with jittery fingers. He looked at me. "Well, liked? Same thing, right?"

I stared at him for another few moments, chuckling before shrugging and urging him to continue.

He blinked at me, partly in shock, and partly in just pure surprise. I looked back at him, giving him an awkward smile as I didn't know what else to do.

"Okay, uh, so." His cheeks were flushed and his fingers already long buried in his brown locks. His green eyes darted around anxiously, nervousness dancing and glimmering in them. "I, er-"

I smiled lightly at his nervous gestures, watching as he tripped over his own words and was barely able to stutter out legible words.

Was this what I looked like in front of her?

"Sorry, I-" He ran his fingers through his hair, laughing in a shaky voice and shaking his head. He twisted his head away, avoiding my gaze. "Wow, this is way harder than I expected it to be."

"I mean, at this point, you've done all you can, so I think you should just leave it out to die."

I chuckled with him, taking a quick glimpse at his fumbling hands, relating all too much to the anxiety that must've been thriving through him. His curious eyes peered in my direction as I spoke. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"Your main goal here is to get him off your back, don't hold back when you're saying no."

"No, I just..." Nathan sighed, scratching the back of his neck like always. His green eyes drifted around aimlessly for a while. "I don't know."

"That's how I do it, anyway."

I paused.

"Tell me a little bit about her."

He raised his brows in surprise, to which I shrugged and crossed my arms.

"Uh, well, she's kind, really nice, a bit awkward, really, really likes to ramble." I laughed, surprised at much of the understatement the latter statements were. My gaze met his."What does she look like?"

"Short, pretty, brown hair, brown eyes, a lot of brown things." He smiled, which made me chuckle again. I ran my fingers through my pale, brown hair and wondered how anyone could've called the mess, "pretty."

"She's absolutely terrified of anything that includes interactions with other human beings." I shrugged, nodding my head slowly at his completely valid point. "And she was there when I needed her."

He paused, letting out a large exhale. "But, lately, I'm wondering if she's just the wrong person who appeared at the wrong time."

A corner of my lips raised, my gaze still plastered to the floor.

"And, uh." He swallowed. "Here's Lucas."

My eyes widened.

In the picture, the familiar, slim boy wore a simple sky-blue sweater, with pale blonde hair and light blue eyes.

I brushed away a lock of my pale brown hair, tugging the cuffs of my own sweater that wrapped loosely around my slim wrists.

Huh.

"Can I try something?"

I turned to Nathan, shrugging carelessly as I watched his actions. His gaze was soft, and they drifted to my trembling fingers, before reaching over one of his significantly larger, warmer hands and putting mine in his.

Not that hard to reach.

He intertwined our fingers, squeezing gently.

I raised my head to look at him, a soft smile on my lips. "Wrong person at the wrong time?"

"Yeah." He nodded his head slightly, releasing our hands and putting his in the pocket of his lilac jacket. Taking in an inhale, he repeated breathlessly, "Yeah."

Nathan looked over, biting his bottom lip momentarily before quickly releasing it.

He scratched the back of his neck, standing up from the bench with both his hands stuck into the pockets of his jacket. He rocked on the heels of his feet before asking, "So, see you around?"

I chuckled. "Bye, Nathan."

He smiled. "Bye."

I walked away.

I laid down on my bed, bag flung to the side of the room as I glanced up at the white ceiling. I sunk into the mattress below me,  tempted to shut my eyes and get some well-deserved rest from the stress-induced day before-

-My phone rang.

I groaned in annoyance, reaching over and looking at the contact that had called me.

It was her.

I picked up.

"Hey," I greeted, hoping to keep that pent-up nervousness out of my voice. "Uh, why did you call?" My eyes widened. "I mean, I don't have a problem with it, of course, I don't, you, uh,  just don't call a lot."

Ro laughed, her voice ringing through the phone from the other end. "Relax, Isabella! I'm not offended or anything." I could practically see her smile as she spoke, "Just wanted to call you, you know? No apparent reason."

I let out a quiet sigh.

We both sat there, still in complete silence. And I sat there, for the second time in a row today, in complete awkwardness.

Then, I realised something.

"How, uh, how did the confession go?"

She let out a small breath of air, almost as if she had been waiting for me to ask the question in case I didn't want to hear her speak by herself.

"I didn't tell him," She said. "I don't think it would've worked out anyway."

I blinked, surprised.

Despite her words that should've arrived with an expected tone of sadness or disappointment, she sounded as if she had just been telling me about a school project, and not about how her future relationship with a boy that she had complimented the appearance of for over weeks would not work out.

"Oh," I made out, still slightly shocked at her nonchalant tone. "Why not?"

"I just- Well, it wasn't a good time to tell him," She said, pushing my bewilderment into the zone of confusion. I waited for context, and only a few moments later I was answered with, "He told me something important and like, super personal, so I didn't want to interrupt him."

I remembered Thursday.

"Here's a picture of Lucas," He muttered, too-green eyes staring at the image in front of him."It's one of the only close-ups I have of him. He doesn't like cameras and being taken pictures of himself."

"Ah," I said, eyes darting from the picture on the screen to his features. The boy in the picture had a smile like he had been drowning in a sugary pool of honey. "He's smiling."

"Yeah," Nathan said, both affection and sadness seeping through his voice.

His gaze was warm as they held still on the image. Deep affection lingered, and they shined with something pure.

Something as pure as love, maybe.

"And plus, I kind of just, thought about it, and think that maybe I don't like him as much as I thought I did," She said, snapping me out of the small piece of memory that had resurfaced. I stayed quiet for a few moments, trying to process the words through my brain before-

"Huh?"

She hummed. "Yeah, I just think I exaggerated a lot."

Hm.

Hm.

A thousand thoughts ran through my mind, all littered with specks of confusion, inner turmoil, and disbelief at the words she was saying. I almost jumped out of my window before she continued with her explanation.

"I mean, I'm less upset than I really should be, considering I talked so much about him." Ro sighed, letting out a small but long groan of embarrassment under her breath. "Oh god, I probably annoyed you so bad with everything about him, I'm sorry."

"Uh, it's fine," I managed out. "What do you mean by, you know, not liking him as much you thought you did?"

The phone stayed silent for a while, and it made my stomach double over in anxiety as I dug my thumbnail into the side of my index finger. I bit down on my bottom lip, eyes wandering the room in quiet chaos.

I shouldn't have asked her, I shouldn't have pushed it, I shouldn't-

"I just- I'm not upset about it."

I blinked.

"If I really liked him, I think I'd be super upset about it, but I'm not," Ro said. Although her words lacked the usual enthusiasm that she delivered them with, she still sounded as nonchalant as she did in the beginning of the call.

She didn't sound like she was upset, or like anything, actually.

She just sounded like herself, like Ro Zhang.

"You know, afterwards, I thought about it for a while, and honestly, I think he should get what's best for him," She continued. "And if I'm not what's best for him, then I'm not going to force myself into the equation."

I heard her take a small breath in. "I'd rather just to have him be happy with someone else than being stuck with me just because he doesn't want to break up our friendship. He doesn't deserve that."

Her tone faltered, laced with a slight hint of disappointment. However, it was mostly covered by the loving adoration and affection that rounded out in her words.

My heart clenched just a bit, but nothing else other than that.

"So, in conclusion, I don't think I like him as much as I thought I did." I could practically see that soft smile tugging at her mouth as she spoke. "I just want him to be happy, even if that means not dating me."

"Plus, no use chasing after someone who doesn't like me back, right?"

I looked over at the blue pen that rested in the holder on my table.

"Right."

"That's how I do it, anyway."

"So, what's with the person you were all angsty over?"

I jolted, warmth seeping up from beneath to redden my cheeks. I could practically hear the smile that she had her on her face as I barely managed to stammer out, "W-what?"

"The person that you were all depressed over about watching them get with someone that's not you, or something," Ro explained, her brief words deepening the already burning scarlet on my face. "You know, during our little trip to the convenience store?"

I nearly choked. "Oh, right, that."

"So, how's it going with them?"

"Uh, well." I pushed my head back into the pillow underneath,  struggling to come up with an answer as Ro waited on the other side of the call. "I-"

I sighed.

"I- I don't know."

She made a slight noise. "You don't?"

"I mean, I do. I still like them, of course. Can't just stop out of nowhere." My heart rose to my throat, struggling against the yield and resulting in a slight strain of my voice. "They're kind, pretty, talented and really, really amazing, so even though I'm trying, I don't think I'm going to stop liking them anytime soon."

"Oh." She hesitated. "Do they like you back?"

I took a breath in. "No."

"No?"

"No," I echoed, pulse thrumming under my wrists. "Uh, that's why I'm trying to stop." I closed my eyes, not wanting to imagine the pair of brown eyes in my head for any longer.

Ro sounded another quiet hum, to which the emotion behind it I could not decipher for the death of me. It was empathetic, but also heavy, and with a certain weight to it. I ignored it.

"It's also kind of unhealthy, you know? Liking and endlessly pining over someone who just doesn't feel the same way towards you."

"Yeah, I know," She answered, quietly.

I sighed, putting my other arm over my eyes as to block the light above me. "It's just, when I see them with another person whose way prettier, way smarter, and I just think to myself how good they'd look together, and I feel-"

"Worthless?"

I paused, opening my eyes and lifting up my arm from them.

She-

She knows?

"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you," Ro apologised, sounding sheepish. I sat up, leaning against the headboard instead. The hard surface was uncomfortable under my back compared to the softness of the bed, but I settled for it nonetheless.

"No, it's uh, it's fine," I stuttered.

I fidgeted with the cuffed sleeves of my sweats.

"Do you feel worthless with, uh, with Nathan?"

There was silence.

It suggested she was taking great consideration with the question, like she was deathly afraid of making the wrong impression with a wrong word, but my brain decided on holyshitIpissedheroffwelltimetodie instead.

Just before I wanted to open my window and leap out, Ro spoke again.

"I mean, it's not that, but I just don't think I'll ever reach his standard of overall goodness anyway." She laughed a bit after the sentence, but within the sweetness, the bitterness seeped through. She sighed.

"There will always be prettier girls, prettier people around him, since he's practically, like,  the most popular boy in school," Ro said, and I almost laughed at the irony.

In that exact direction, there stood a girl dressed in a pink, oversized sweatshirt. Her cheeks were flushed with red, but not because of the drinks that everyone else held in their hands, but because of the boy that stood next to her.

The boy in a red hoodie.

They looked good.

Together.

"And it sucks, watching these people who I'll probably never be half as smart or pretty go up to him, and then he rejects them."

"And there's this whole, if he rejected people like them, why would he like me? Does this mean maybe he's annoyed of me and is just hiding it? Do I even have the right to be his friend?" Her voice slowly turned panicked, quickening up and spilling with doubt and emotion.

I could hear the drumming of fingers against a tabletop, tapping that steady rhythm that I had gotten so used to.

I could hear her voice trembling towards the end, and I quietly wondered how long she had been burying those sentences for. She sighed.

"And it slowly turns into something that I feel like I have to earn, like I have to earn the right to be by his side, even as a friend."

"Now thinking about it, I think I really suck as a friend." She laughed, but it quickly faded, the humour from her voice disappearing. She fiddled with her fingers. "But yeah, that's uh, pretty much it."

I wanted to laugh at myself.

Sitting next to her, letting her drag me out of my house at two in the morning, listening to her ramble about the person that she likes, all while knowing that I didn't even stand a chance in the first place.

I still listened, of course. It wasn't my place to refuse.

"Mhm," I agreed, scratching soundlessly at the blanket under my fingertips with my short nails. "That's...Pretty much what I'm going through, I'd say."

A soft gasp came from my phone.

"Really?"

"Yeah." I crumbled the green fabric, tightening my fist and tugging before releasing it back to its original place. I collapsed back onto the bed, feeling a light buzz of anxiousness in my chest from sharing something that I had been hiding for the past few months.

"I keep asking myself if I'll ever be good enough for them, and I just get dropped into this endless loop of questioning my own self-worth." I swallowed the lump in the back of my throat.

"And I'll feel worthless, like utter, utter garbage."

Why was I scared to turn back? To look her in the eyes and hand them over?

Maybe they were too ugly for her and her delicate features, maybe they were too ragged for her and her charming, bubbly attitude, maybe they just didn't fit into the category of clothes she'd wear, maybe she preferred skirts and dresses over pants.

Or maybe, she just straight out won't like them.

Maybe, she would just say no.

I gripped on the shirt and sweatpants in my hands, clutching them hard between my fingers, almost like I was trying to hide them as if I was ashamed for even owning them.

In a way, I was.

"I don't think anyone should feel like that."

I stayed quiet, to which she took as an opportunity to continue. "Dedicating their own self-worth purely based on the question of if someone else likes you or not." She took a small pause, deciding on her words. "Only you should be able to decide your own worth."

"Mhm."

She may never stare into mine as if I was hers. Her heart may never flutter and tremble with ardour at the mention of my name, the hue of my eyes, or the shade of my hair colour, but it didn't matter.

It was worth it.

It helped me figure out who I was, who I am. Her lack of affection and adoration towards caused me to determine and decide my self-worth and self-respect based off of it, but it only decided as much as I let it.

She can't change who she is, and there's nothing wrong with that.

"Woah, look at us being all motivational." Ro laughed, and I couldn't help but laugh along with her.

"I know, we're amazing at this," I said with as little enthusiasm embedded into the words as possible, almost being able to see the smile forming on her very lips at my sarcasm.

She made a tight, strained noise as she stretched, letting out a tiny sigh of relief afterwards.

"Okay, I'm gonna go put on a facemask or something," She said. "I really need it after this rollercoaster ride of a day."

I chuckled. "That sounds nice."

"It feels even better - it makes me feel bougie and fancy." I laughed a bit more at her description, nodding even though she couldn't see me. I heard her laugh along for a few seconds before saying, "Okay, I'll see on you Monday!"

"Bye," I answered.

"Bye-bye!"

I hung up first, but no longer filled with panic about the impression I had left with her from the call.

I closed my eyes, but no longer imagined those brown ones.

I smiled, but no longer listened to anyone but myself.

Maybe feelings aren't that bad, after all.