If you read the title, you probably know that I'm going to talk about something I've been feeling lately. And it's not a good thing.

You all know how I'm weird and childish! And I'm grateful that you guys accepted that.

But, things in real life are pretty different...

You see, sometimes i feel unwanted. Like i don't belong even. I feel like this person, who is a total outcast, that no one understands.

Don't get me wrong, my friends are always there for me. But sometimes.. I feel like they're embarrassed by me.

Like, sometimes i say something weird, and they look at me like 'what is wrong with you?'
Not all of them give me that look, but some of them do. And at those moments, i feel like I'm just a burden. That they probably don't want to be friends with me.

Sometimes, they make it clear. They straight up tell me that I'm being too weird. But the problem is, that's who i am! I'm that weirdo!!

Whenever we're walking together, there's never space for me to walk next to them, i always walk behind them, or in front of them while i walk backwards.

Most of the times, it's like I'm not even there.

I have a friend, who understands me completely. And she never shuts me down. Nor does she ignore me. So I've been hanging out with her mostly, my other friends tell me to hang out with them, i tell them that i never get what they're talking about, they tell me to ask, and i do. I did it so many times, but they never answered.

And that's not even the biggest problem here.

The worst part is, I'm used to it! And i shouldn't be. But i am, and there's no going back. Sure i get hurt that they ignore me a lot, but i got used to it. Like it's completely normal.

I confronted them about it, but they always answer with the same thing; I'm the one who ignores them and doesn't participate in their conversations.
But how the heck am i supposed to join them if I'm not heard?

It's true, I'm a social outcast who is really weird and awkward. But i never thought that my own friends could make me feel unwanted.

One day, it actually got too much. And i was really sad and hurt. To the point where i actually showed it. The sadness actually showed. I'm literally always smiling and cheerful. But that day, i wasn't.
They asked me what's wrong, but i said that it's nothing. Knowing the answer to my problem all too well, that it's me ignoring them.

I told my friend, who actually listens to me, and she listened to every word i said. She gave me advice, and I'm grateful.

But then, i was still sad, when my friend told them why i was sad, they came to me. They tried to cheer me up. And like always, i tried to hide my actual feelings. But one friend stood out, my best friend. She was probably joking when she said it, but it didn't seem like it.

She told me that i was stupid for being sad about that. And she had this look on her face, as if she's tired of me. As if she's disgusted by me. Like she doesn't want to be my friend anymore.
I know she probably didn't mean it like that, but the look on her face is stuck in my mind. It was a week ago, but it's still haunting me.

I know i shouldn't take it seriously.... Or maybe i should. I don't know anymore!

What am I supposed to do? When they ignore me, should i not care, or is it normal to be sad.

I've been feeling like this a lot recently. It's bothering me a lot.

They don't ignore me all the time, but they do ignore me sometimes. Some more than others. A couple of them don't ignore me at all. But some do...

I don't open up much. But when i do, it's already too late. I'm already sunk into this realm of sadness, but my face always shows sunshine and light!

I honestly feel like some of my friends are embarrassed by me. So i wasn't myself for a while. I think they noticed. Because they asked me a couple of times what's wrong with me. But i answer with nothing. Because I'm trying to change to what i think is better, but i know that i won't be me if i change. Who am i if I'm not weird? Who am i if I'm not geeking out over something or jumping around like a 5 year old? I wouldn't be me. But even though i know i won't be myself, I still can't stop myself from acting like someone I'm not.

I'm trying to be normal. I'm trying to be like them. And I'm forgetting who i really am. I'm not this bubbly girl who laughs at everything anymore. I'm becoming a normal person... I don't like it, but it seems like others do.

But then again, i have some friends who are always by my side. And they don't expect me to change.
One of those friends recently gave me a necklace, when i asked her why, she said that i deserve more than a necklace for all the things I've done for her. She said that i helped her gain confidence, and that I'm the reason she actually has a goal in life now. That I'm the reason she is who she is. That I'm the reason she has friends. That i was the only person who was there for her when no one was.

And that is something I'm proud of. This necklace is really special to me now. Because it reminds me that the real me has helped someone greatly. I haven't taken it off since i got it. And I'm not planning on it either.

I'm lost between two worlds, but i live in both. Some days I'm actually myself, and sometimes I'm the other me who isn't really me... And it all depends on who I'm with.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of feeling lost! I'm tired of feeling like i don't belong! I'm tired of being me!

I would love to hear your advice if you have any. I would be really grateful for it.

Now that I'm done with this... It's time to stick a smile on my face like every other day when i might actually be completely broken. But nobody sees it. And that's good for me.

Now that I'm reading this back I see how things have changed...I am not like that anymore and everything is solved. I'm proud of my life and who I am. I wouldn't change a thing. Wow...I've come so far...I found my true self and I'm clearly happy about it.

I now see that it's completely normal to feel lost and not know your place. But trust me, you'll find yourself and everything will become waaaaaaaaay better.

It has for me.

and I'm so flipping grateful for all my friends who helped me through everything

And now I will say this, and it's not selfish in anyway. I want to thank myself for not giving up. I truly am proud of myself. There's no shame in being proud of yourself as long as you don't take it too far. -2019 me