The Reason Why

♔♔♔

I WAS STILL rooted to the ground, unable to take so much as a step when the rest of the world was moving on. It wasn't until I felt a presence behind me, followed by a wave of a familiar cologne before I blinked once, then twice, then finally regained control of my own muscles.

Harr had finally returned from who-knows-where, a stick of cotton candy in one hand while the other was poised behind his back. Harr slowly chewed at the candy, tearing little bits off with his mouth every few seconds.

"What was that?" He asked, his voice clearly displaying his surprise.

I knew what that was. The answer was far too plain to miss. However, I didn't want to voice out my thoughts and share my knowledge. What I've learned through my years as a 'side character' in the grand event of things was that to be ignorant was to save your own skin in desperate times.

So, instead of answering Harr's question, I merely shrugged once before changing the topic.

"What about you? Where have you been?"

Pink stained the corners of his lips as he smiled, the sugar crystals still clinging on his skin. A sly glint sparkled in his eyes before he finally pulled something from behind him, pushing it right towards my face and stopping only mere millimeters away. Stunned, I took a step back on reflex, needlessly trying to dodge the incoming object only to find the smiling face of an orange tiger cub looking back at me.

"Remember this little guy?" There was child-like excitement in Harr's voice as he asked the question, shaking the small soft toy a little in his grip.

A string of memories hit me and all of a sudden, that tiger soft toy became the most valuable thing in the entire world. I reached out, grabbing it instantly, unable to contain my elation.

"You won it! You finally won it!" I cried.

"And you didn't believe I could." Proud, Harr tilted his chin up haughtily, his nose high in the air. "It took a few years of trying to finally win this small damn thing but I told you I had it in me."

My thumb ran over the embroidery that made up the tiger's large doe-like eyes, feeling the texture beneath my fingertip. Each black stripe on the tiger's face contrasted wonderfully against the vivid tangerine fur, completed with a tuft of white under its chin. The stuffing inside felt like clouds, a marshmallow sensation that gave the stuffed animal enough definition while still keeping it soft to touch.

The tiger was no bigger than the size of my forearm but it was already something that was worth more than a thousand jewels.

"It took me a long time to fulfill my promise but here it is," Harr muttered softly. "Thank you for being so patient with me."

His voice was barely even above a whisper, a melody carried by the wind and drizzled down like the first few drops of summer rain. It was powdery light, a stark contrast compared to the usual boisterous and bombastic volumes that I surrounded myself with. My life had always been filled with harsh storms and hurricanes. It was nice for it to face a short summer drizzle every once in a while.

It felt like a kiss from the skies.

"Thank you for remembering it," I countered, lightly squeezing the stuffed animal between my fingers.

The dark clouds of the summer storm parted. The skies were a vibrant blue, vivid, and brilliantly azure. Harr's smile brought in the rays of the summer sun. He was golden in every way.

♕♕♕

A gray shade hung over Xavier's head where he sat, the position a little too purposeful to be coincidental. Everywhere I went, it seemed as though Xavier followed, willingly or not. As I stepped out of the washroom, he was perched right outside on the wooden benches, his head in his hands and feet shaking consistently in what seemed like impatience.

"What, are you stalking me now just because you screwed up?"

Wiping my hands against my clothes in an attempt to dry them, I strolled my way over to where Xavier sat before sitting down myself. I knew he had heard me crystal clear but despite that, he didn't raise his head. Instead, he only dug himself deeper into the palms of his hands like an ostrich hiding its head beneath the ground, a foolish and cowardly move.

"Cat got your tongue?" I teased.

"Shut up," came his growl of a reply. Not once had he raised his head.

"We've been through this, Xavier. Hiding away isn't going to solve your problems. Sometimes, you have to face things head-on in order to make them right again." Sighing, I looked away from him, turning to the skies. I tucked my hands under my thighs, swinging my legs out before moving them back in, continuing the action for a few cycles before I spoke again. "So, have you finally realized that you messed up big time with that teddy bear trick?"

Silence replied to me in place of Xavier. However, I was in no rush. He needed time to collect his thoughts and reflect after that spectacular stunt he had just pulled. A moment's worth of impulsiveness could lead to a lifetime of regret. For now, since the damage was done, it depends on whether the misunderstanding could be cleared and if the mistake could be forgiven.

"Aiko," Xavier croaked out my name after a few minutes, "Why is it that I am so incapable of expressing myself?"

I wrinkled my nose.

"Why do I feel like we've had this conversation before?"

"Just answer the question!" Xavier all but yelled, exasperated.

His fingers threaded deeper into his hair, a sight that I could only catch if I focused hard enough. His pale fingers blended in perfectly with the sky-blue strands on his head. However, once spotted, it wasn't easy to unsee. He tugged at the roots, yanking at them a little too hard. I winced slightly at the sight. My scalp tingled just from the sight of it alone.

I sucked in a deep breath, drawing in the oxygen through my teeth before blowing them out. My breath caused my fringe to fly, hovering in the air for a split second before falling back down against my forehead.

"I don't know." Shrugging, I admitted with a shake of my head. "Perhaps no one will know other than yourself."

Xavier let out a particularly loud sigh at my words, his arms suddenly gaining a burst of energy to rub at his hair. He tousled the strands with visible frustration, fingers running back and forth without a care as to how he was messing up his perfectly sculpted hair. A second seemed to drag on. It felt like forever before his hand finally dropped languidly back onto his lap.

"Well, if you're bad at something like that, it usually means that there's something stopping you. You're not giving your all because you're hesitant about it. The right question to ask, then, is what's stopping you from expressing them?"

There was the briefest of smiles cracked upon Xavier's face. Of course, that smile didn't reach his eyes one bit. It was merely a facade, a mask he so desperately adorned.

"Are you going to call me childish if I answer honestly?" He asked.

"I'm not that much of an asshole in your eyes, am I?" I teased back.

To my delight, his smile widened. This time, it brought a small sparkle into his irises. They glinted beautifully, though not as brightly as I wish they would. However, the mere sight alone of the corner of his lips tugging upwards was enough to put a flutter in my chest. As soon as that flutter came, unfortunately, it was replaced by a painful wrench. A fist had been caged around my heart, squeezing tightly until it was difficult to breathe. I was reminded again by myself that the joy I felt had to be controlled. This ecstasy wasn't something I could afford to play with.

"No, you're not. Aiko, you're one of the nicest people I've ever met, honestly."

Ah, there it was again. That treacherous fluttering.

Xavier twiddled his thumbs, fiddling around with the hems of his shirt. He played with the loose threads as he spoke, admitting out loud, "I'm scared of Jules shutting me out so I always try to be aware of what I'm doing and how I'm presenting myself. I only want to show her my best side. Yet, when I saw her smiling because of some other guy, I—" He paused, the words choking up in his throat. "I could feel my guts just twist up and I lose all reason. There's this sudden urge to show that I'm just as capable of doing what my rival could do."

His words made me frown, my eyebrows scrunching. It took no more than a second's worth of pause before he caught on to what I was thinking. A low chuckle rumbled from his throat, though it held no warmth.

"I know that what I'm feeling is toxic to not just me and her but also everyone around us." Turning his head, Xavier gazed listlessly at me through the fallen wisps of his hair. "Aiko, you've made the wrong choice to trust me and provide me with the guidebook. I'm not the one for Jules. I'm not good enough."

"Alright. Then why did you like her in the first place? What did you see in Jules that drove you to not only confess to her but try so hard to win her affections? Just because she's pretty?"

"No!" Xavier yelled out his answer instantly, nearly cutting me off half-way through.

He had shot up from his crumpled position, eyes earnest and face inches away from mine. One clear thing written across his eyes was desperation. He was filled with it. He then retreated slowly, almost returning to the state he was before whereby his back was hunched and his fingers rested on his lip, idly moving around with not much purpose.

"No," he repeated again but this time, much softer. "Jules was rude to me at a time where I needed someone to be. She might not remember it for it was just a fleeting moment in her life but we had interacted before. Just once. She told me straight to the face about the things I had to do in order to accomplish what I want. Her advice, albeit given in a crass manner, allowed me to eventually succeed. Others told me to give up, told me to relax, and that I would succeed better at something that I'm cut out for. They offered me honeyed words with no meaning to it. Their kind words would've only paved the path to failure for me. If Jules hadn't said what she did at that time, I wouldn't have gotten so far in life."

A strong breeze billowed past us, sweeping up the fallen leaves on the ground and sent them flying. There was a moment of silence that blanketed us both as I stared, wide-eyed and slack-jawed at Xavier's confession. True to his words, it had been a mere fleeting moment for Jules, most likely. She had not once mentioned her previous conversations with Xavier prior to his confession. Be that as it may, Xavier's answer seemed too solemn to be faked. I could practically see the memories that flooded into his mind as he spoke about his experiences.

When I finally recovered, I offered a small nod, humming lightly under my breath in acknowledgment.

"You know, I've witnessed the confessions and downfalls of many guys in Jules's life."

My words caught Xavier's attention as he perked up, almost gawking in his stunned silence. Noticing his reaction, I couldn't help myself but weasel out a tight grin.

"Most of the boys said that they fell for Jules because she's a very kind soul. She offers a helping hand almost needlessly and that made them like her. The other small percentage took a liking to her beauty and her grace, though she vehemently denies those things exist in her. You're the first person that has ever said that they fell in love with Jules Everett just because she's rude."

Lines appeared on Xavier's forehead. "Isn't that a bad thing?"

"Not in this case, no. You stand out from the others. Originally, I chose to help you because you had shown so much promise by loving Jules for who she is inside rather than what she chooses to show on the outside. You see her for who she really is. And yet, despite that, you still fell in love with her. You've only proven my point today with your reply. And that's why I still think you're worthy of my help."

I clapped a hand on his shoulder, suppressing the feeling of a searing burn that spread across the palm of my hand that made contact with him.

"But you'll have to prove that you're worthy of her. To her, not me. Got it?"

Life slowly seeped back into Xavier as he sat up, his back a little straighter and chin tilted a little higher. He flashed his confident smirk once more, finally raising it proudly on his face like a flag flown after achieving victory in battle.

Xavier reached out a hand, petting the top of my head gently a few times as my hand slipped from his shoulder due to shock. I could no longer ignore the way his fingers ran through my hair, almost as if weaving through them delicately like they were precious silks. His caress felt sinful and it brought in a stroke of realization that struck my body. It was like lightning— just as painful as a lightning strike probably was.

"Thank you, Aiko, again. It seems like I'm always thanking you for one thing or another, these days." He beamed.

There was no denying it no matter how much I tried to suppress the emotion. The final drop had been added and my emotions had overflowed past the edge.

Ah. I see now.

I had fallen in love.

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