The Straw Cottage

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"IS THERE SOMETHING you would like to tell me?"

Harr's question made me jump, immediately swiveling around to face the door the second I heard his voice. I sat perched on the edge of my bed, head turned at an uncomfortable angle just to look at Harr who stood at the door, arms crossed.

"Harr." I breathed out in relief, feeling like a child whose hands were caught in the cookie jar. "Come in."

Outside the windows, a storm was brewing far out in the sea waters. The dark night burned brightly to life when a bolt of lightning split through the skies. It crackled loudly, sparks flying as storm clouds grew visible for a fraction of a second before blending in with the indigo sky once again. Thunder rumbled in the distance, following suit. It sliced through the silence between the both of us, filling in the empty slots.

My room was sparsely lit, glowing only by a small table light at the side of my bed. When the lightning cut through the heavens, it also sent a silver illumination into the room, lighting up my face and casting Harr's in shadows at the same time.

Slowly, he walked into the room after lightly shutting the door behind him, steps slow and leisurely. I quietly slid further into the bed, making space for him. Once he made his way over, Harr perched himself at the corner of the bed, sitting right by the edge, barely taking up any space. He looked at his hands, both of which were resting on his lap, fingers twiddling.

"So?" He prompted, still not looking up.

"What do you want to know?" I shot another question back, trying to evade what Harr was obviously trying to ask. "Maybe it's about the guidebook?"

Another bolt of lightning fizzed outside. This time, half of Harr's back was illuminated. The other half, the one nearer to the door of my bedroom, was shadowed. His back was a little hunched but he had raised his head all the same. From where I sat, I couldn't make out his expression, only that he had tilted his head to face the window.

He paused, taking in a deep breath. His shoulders rose and dropped as he breathed in deeply before exhaling. "Sure, let's go with that for now. How did you know the guidebook would work? How did you know what sort of person would attract Jules's attention and how did your plan work so flawlessly?"

"I didn't," I confessed. "Even though it is indeed filled with things that would help a person understand Jules, the guidebook was a scam. It wouldn't help just any other person to win Jules over. She's not a prize to be won. From the start, what would really capture her attention was the hard work a person would put in to try and get her. Besides, the plan wasn't flawless."

"Yes, it wasn't." Harr scoffed lightly. "It wasn't flawless because you hadn't thought that you would fall in love with Xavier."

The stroke of lightning that sent the skies ablaze outside was purple this time, perhaps tinted by the indigo sky. It was followed by rumbling thunder and the roaring onslaught of a storm. It sent the sea into a tumultuous rage, the waves growing taller and taller by the second as each wind blew at it. The stars and the moon could no longer be seen, obscured by clouds that were navy, each of them heavy with rain.

"Ha," I choked out a short and nervous laugh. My fingers fisted at the bedsheet below me, clenching tightly. I could feel my palms starting to grow clammy with sweat. "What are you talking about, Harr?"

He turned slowly, the gaze that fell on me was tainted by a sad smile that made my heart sour. Harr looked to be in pain, his eyebrows slightly scrunched, the light not quite reaching his eyes.

He said softly, "You don't have to lie, Aiko. You know I can keep a secret."

"Oh come on, Harr." I waved the notion off, barking out a laugh. "Don't kid around like... that..."

Since the windows were open, the sea breeze easily blew into the room. I could taste the salty sea air on my lips as I spoke, the strands of both our hairs flying with each gust. Harr's hair swayed and wavered, dancing with the breeze before laying flat against his head once more when the wind receded. The look he sent me felt particularly heavy and it made my stomach churn uncomfortably.

"How..." I stuttered, "H-how did you know? Was I that obvious?"

Harr shook his head. "No. It's just that..." He paused. "It's just that... I see the way you look at him as time passed. I recognized it. Other than that, you kept it pretty lowkey. Don't worry, Xavier is too much of a blockhead to figure it out all by himself."

I couldn't tell which was louder: the sound of the waves crashing haphazardly against the shoreline or the sound of my heart thudding in my chest.

"Why didn't you ever tell him?"

My eyes widened at Harr's question, surprised that he would even ask something so simple.

"Isn't it obvious?" I retorted. "There was never a need for Xavier to know. This crush that I held for him had an expiry date. That was a fact I knew very well from the start. Back then, and even now, I'm trying to deny that that part of me exists. I want to reject it, I wish I could reject it because I know it's the wrong feeling to have."

Harr's head whipped back at the last sentence, eyes widening as he moved further into the bed and closer to me.

"Aiko, there's no such thing as a wrong feeling. There's only a wrong time, the wrong person, but never your own emotions."

"You don't understand!" I yelled instinctively, only to realize my voice could probably be heard by the other two in the villa.

My hands were slapped against my own lips, eyes widening in shock, same as Harr's. Slowly letting go, I took in a deep breath through my mouth in an effort to calm myself down.

"You don't understand, Harr. I've been living in a straw cottage in the middle of a hurricane this entire time, teetering on the edge of a precarious situation that could topple on me at any given time. Yet, I'm deluding myself into thinking everything's okay when really, it is not."

Silence engulfed the both of us. Other than the raging storm outside that sent a few droplets of rain into my room, there were no other noises. We were enveloped by the sound of nature, the sea displaying the anger and frustration that we both felt yet could not show.

"I understand," Harr quietly murmured. I would've missed his words if I hadn't been looking out for his reply. "I know that feeling. One wrong step is enough to destroy everything that you've built. So instead of trying to take things further, instead of showing too much, you suppress everything. You decide that showing too little is much better because it will keep the status quo and that will always be better than having nothing. I know what that feels like all too well."

The dam that I had constructed to keep my feelings locked in had finally broken, destroyed by the words Harr preached. A single tear rolled down my cheek, leaving an imprint that burned and seared. It was a mark of my failure just as much as it was a mark of my strength.

I jolted a little when I felt Harr's warm hands on my face, the pads of his thumbs running across my cheeks, wiping away any stray tears that had betrayed me. He swept them all away quickly, leaving only mere droplets on my damp eyelashes. Unable to contain the sob that threatened to spill past my lips, I coughed and choked on my tears, crawling into Harr's open arms before crying, no more barriers put up.

He ran his hands through my hair the entire time, combing through the strands, his fingers brushing lightly against the skin of my neck and back on the occasion. Once I was done, his shirt was a mess, damp and a shade darker in color from my tears.

"Do you regret it?" He asked when he noticed I had quietened down.

"Regret what? Liking him?"

I could feel him nod, his chin lightly bumping into the top of my head. My arms were coiled loosely around his waist, cheek pressed against his chest. I could feel each rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, hear every thud of his heart.

"You know, I had always been afraid of the fall. But I was wrong. The fall is never painful. It is only when you land wrongly does it start to hurt. So it doesn't matter if I regret it. I landed wrongly but I'll still have to pick myself up, dust it off, and continue. I'll have to move on because if I don't, the world will still continue to spin on without me regardless."

Outside the windows, the storm seemed to have slowed down to a light drizzle. It no longer raged, the winds no longer as harsh as before. The skies reflected my own emotions perfectly, mirroring everything I felt to the last minute detail.

"However, I still think that loving him was a wonderful learning experience," I confessed. "I've not lived so brightly and burned so quickly in a very long time. Before this, life had been at a stalemate for me. Now, I finally feel human."

We remained silent for a while, now resting against the pillows which were propped up against the wall at the head of the bed. The duvet was loosely draped over both our bodies, the wind outside providing a gentle breeze that kept the room cool. My eyelids were starting to get heavy, and when accompanied by Harr's rhythmic breathing and the steady beat of his heart, I could feel myself slipping from consciousness.

Sleep was trying to pull me in but the pain still lingered. It was finally dissipating. What was left in me was perhaps the last bit of mourning I held.

The hand that rested on Harr's chest lightly fisted at the fabric of his shirt. If not, I knew I would've reached for my own chest, unable to contain the desire of prying my heart right out and crushing it to smithereens so that no one else could.

I choked out another sob. "It hurts, Harr."

"I know."

"It hurts so much to see him in love with someone else but I can never tell him that. I don't want to ruin what we have, my friendship with both Jules and Xavier will crumble. I can't lose my best friend."

My swollen eyes had finally won the battle. The last few words that left my lips were slightly slurred and keeping my eyes open became laborious. Harr's large hand was back to combing my hair, each stroke he made was like a lullaby that pulled me further into the realm of dreams.

Just before I fell asleep, I thought I heard him murmur.

"I know," he had repeated, his voice strained despite being barely above a whisper.

I couldn't remember what happened after. The sky was lit with dawn the next time I opened my eyes. By that time, Harr was gone.

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