I finally told someone about Balthie. It was difficult for me, but I did it. Despite all that happened between us, I missed that boy.

"Oh," Dean murmured. "So you had a crush on a boy."

I nodded. "A super mega ultra crush, more like."

"So what happened?"

"Told him how I felt. Biggest fucking mistake of my life. I guess it was better than how it went with... er, someone else." I cut off the chick flick moment before things got too sappy.

"Sorry to hear that."

"Well, we were still friends. He... didn't think it was weird. I was just so lucky for that."

"Well that's good, right?"

"Not actually. If anything, it... made everything worse. It made me... want him... so much more. And y'know something? I blame you for that, Dean."

"Wait, what?"

"I blame you. Our breakup, it just... ruined me for feeling that way toward anyone ever again. But I felt it toward Balthie, and I think it was just my mind's way of getting over you."

"Cas... I'm sorry, okay? I am above and beyond sorry for everything that happened."

"Well you should be!" I snapped, standing up to face him. "The reason I left? It had nothing to do with you! Nothing to do with you or Ohio or "unresolved issues", like every damn therapist in the fucking planet seems to think! It was Balthie! I mean, Balthazar! I don't fucking know. I became obsessed with him, Dean! I was this... fucking stalker that couldn't think about anything or anyone else but him! I... I imagined scenarios where we were together! When I was in bed at night, I'd imagine him with me, and we were happy. I mean... his 'image' helped me take my fucking OGT tests. And don't ask what those are, they're fucking stupid."

"Cas... I'm sorry. I really am. But it wasn't me who caused you to become obsessed with this boy."

"You might as well have."

"Cas-"

"No!" I cut him off. "I didn't want to become obsessed. I just - I wanted these feeling to go away!" My voice cracked a little, tears threatening to spill. "If anything, I wished that it was a simple crush, not an obsession. I... I thought he was... amazing. I wanted to be friends. I wanted to be more. I just... I wanted to stop picturing him with me when I was in the fucking shower!"

"I know, that must've been hard for you."

"You can't possibly fucking know," I growled. "I was in hell. I completely broke. I was about to drown myself or some shit. You. Can't. Know."

"I'm sorry, Cas, I really am-"

"Stop saying you're fucking sorry, Dean!"

"Well I am, Cas!"

"I don't need apologies. I need something a whole lot fucking better. I wish I knew what that was, but I don't."

He sighed. "I... I'm going out to get food." He got up to leave without another word, leaving me with my thoughts.

My dark, twisted thoughts.

My awful, morbid thoughts.

My bloody, self-harmful thoughts.

But mostly? My Balthie thoughts.

._.__._.

I was pretty good friends with Balthazar at this point. We talked quite a bit, and... he seemed to just love, love, love his girlfriend.

I saw them together sometimes. And I died a little inside every fucking time.

I was a mess, I knew that, but I couldn't help it. I just loved Balthie, but he was too "straight" to love me. This I knew before I even told him, or saw him with that stupid girlfriend. She could just go to hell.

It was a Friday when I told him. I decided to wait until after class for some reason. That just seemed like a logical option to me. But, either way, he had to know. I figured that maybe if I told him, I could move on, knowing that we definitely weren't on the same page.

The bell rang, and I took a deep breath. I followed him out of class, and I kept repeating to myself, "We need to talk. We need to talk. We need to talk."

Fear. Just fucking fear. Fear all over my body, creeping up my spine and crawling into my skull. Staying there even long after the fear was induced. It's always there, fear. Just waiting for you to think it, find it there, still waiting in the back of your skull. Because fear never truly ends. It's never truly gone. You just... forget it's there sometimes.

"Uh... we need to talk... about something that I think should be established right now." I began as we walked down the hallway.

"Okay." My cue to continue.

"Uh..." Oh god. I hadn't planned what I'd say after this. "From the moment I first saw you... I thought you were really cute, and I just wanted to say that and get it out because I know it's just my mind's way of getting over my ex boyfriend, so... yeah."

Well, he seemed to appreciate the fact that I thought he was cute. That's a good sign.

"Well, I appreciate your honesty. But... I'm in a committed relationship, so...."

Just what I needed. This.

"But you seem like a great guy, and I'd like to be friends."

Great. Now this.

I nodded. "Yeah. Friends."

"Also, I don't play for that team, so... yeah." He chuckled awkwardly.

I laughed with him. "Yeah. O-of course."

That was probably one of the most guy wrenching moments of my life. Even worse than when Crowley said no. And I didn't understand it at the time, but I'd figure it out very soon.

._.__._.

I remained curled up into a ball on my bed, just thinking about Balthie, and why I had left all those years ago. I wanted him back more than anything, yet I knew it couldn't happen. Not after what I did.

Dumbest damn thing I ever did.

I wished I could make amends, but I knew I couldn't. I was horribly broken after Dean. I thought I loved Balthie, I thought every boy on the fucking planet was cute, I even started looking at girls differently. I was just so damn confused. God, what was wrong with me? There was obviously something.

The first breakup is always the worst. In my case, it was death. Was that my fault? No. It was Dean's.

All his fault. All his fault. All his fault.

I thought I'd cry, but I didn't want to. I just wanted Balthie. That boy. That boy. That sweet, funny, adorable boy. I had to have him. I craved him. I needed him. I wanted him so bad. It was so wrong, but it felt so right.

It was obsession, never love. I knew this, but did I care? The answer would be a resounding hell no.

I couldn't move on. I couldn't move past my Balthie. I felt so dead inside, and seeming Balthie in Fine Arts I every day made it feel better. I couldn't stop. I could never stop. I would never.

Because I was a raging fucking psychopath.

._.__._.

"Cas! Just stop this!" He shouted.

I continued walking down the hallway in search of him. "Oh, sweetie. You know I can't."

"Please, Cas! You don't have to do this!"

"Oh, but I do, sweetie. I really, really do. This is the only way. Isn't it? The only way." I began to laugh hysterically.

"Listen to me. I know you're hurting, but this is not the solution."

"You're talking only makes it easier to find you."

"Cas, I'm sorry. About everything. But if you keep doing this, it will only build up the emotion inside you until you burst. It's carving a hole inside your very soul.

"Oh. Well, it's a good thing I don't have one, isn't it?" I laughed again.

"Cas, you know this is wrong. You know it is!"

"Then it's a good thing I don't care anymore!"

._.__._.

I jerked awake from the absolute nightmare. Now if only I could awaken from this... nightmare.

I just stayed there, feeling particularly psychotic. Now, if I was dead, none of this would be happening to me. Then again, I was probably doomed to hell, so... oh, well. I'd take my chances.

Many times I'd think, "Should today be the day I put a bullet in my brain?" Or I'm faced with difficult choices like, "Should I take a hairdryer or the toaster in the bath with me?" Most often, I'd want to go with the toaster.

But I never would. I was never sure why. Would anyone miss me? It was doubtful. I was nothing but a no-talent schmuck with no future. No life, no future, and certainly no boyfriend. A mistake I'd never make again.

I wanted a relationship without all the heartbreak. Love, warmth, kindness, honesty, loyalty, and knowing that there would never be that inevitable breakup filled with sadness and tears. So basically, I wanted to be Prince Charming so I could meet Snow White. Or, only plausibly, another Prince Charming.

I knew it could never happen, but I wanted it anyway. Wanting something I can't have. Like when Robin wanted Barney in that one episode but knew she couldn't have him. Although, she did get him in the end. I wish it was more like that with me.

I could use a relationship like Robin and Barney's. And it could possibly end up being more... Barney on Barney, if you know what I mean. God, that sounds weird.

I just wished I had someone to talk to about this stuff without it being weird. Someone I could confess everything to. Confide in. Trust. Someone who I knew would never betray me.

But... is there ever anyone like that?

"Hello, Castiel." I heard a woman's voice speak.

I jumped off the bed, expecting a demon, but what I found was something much more unanticipated. Someone who I thought was long gone. Someone I thought I'd never see again.

"Erica."