It was quite vivid, the dream. It looked so real. But I knew it wasn't. I'm glad it wasn't.

I walked down the hall, the same hall that it happened over five years ago. I saw him. I saw him clearly. He looked radiant.

It was Crowley.

I wanted to approach him, but just like last time, I kept walking. I remembered my exact thoughts as I sauntered down the hall.

If he says no, he says no. That happens.

I broke into a sprint back down the hallway, catching up with him. This was my moment. This had to happen.

"Um, Crowley, can we talk? In... private?" I asked anxiously.

"Uh, sure."

I knew there was no backing out now. Just twenty seconds of insane courage.

We made our way to a more private area of the hall, and I found myself struggling to find my voice. Come on, just twenty seconds.

"Uh... well, last year, at the beginning of ninth grade...-" I paused, finding myself unable to say it. Perhaps it was the look on his face, urging me to continue, but somehow I was able to confess, "I fell in love with you."

And I'll never forget the look on his face when I said that.

He chuckled awkwardly. "Um...-"

I chuckled too. "Yeah, I know. Just... let me get through this. I really need to get this off my chest. I-I couldn't eat or sleep over the summer because I can't stop thinking about you. I don't know why it was you, but I just looked at you, and I.... I need to ask you a question even though I know what the answer will be," I paused to catch my breath. "Will you give us a chance?"

"Um... no. I won't."

There it was. The thing I knew he'd say from the very beginning. The thing anyone would say in his position.

"I feel like such an idiot right now." I smiled sadly.

"Hey, that took a lot of courage, not many people can do that, so... bravo."

I was taking deep, shaky breaths. What I just did, that terrified me.

"I knew you'd say no. I just... I know you're... not the way I am, y'know? I don't even know what I'm doing. I feel so stupid."

"Hey, I'm sure you'll find someone." He tried to make me feel better.

I looked him in the eye. "I was hoping that someone... would be you."

He shook his head. "No. Sorry."

And we soon went our separate ways. I thought this would kill me. I thought it would be the death of me. But, as I walked down the hall on the way to the gym to get my schedule, I smiled to myself.

"He said no," I muttered. "He said no."

And I awoke in Dean's car. In the backseat just as I remembered. We were still on the road in God knows where.

I groaned, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. "Minnesota?" I asked.

"Minnesota." Dean confirmed.

I sighed. "Awesome."

"We're gonna have to make a stop here shortly."

"What? Why?"

"Cause I need to freshen up. I've been on the road too long."

"You'll get used to it."

"C'mon, man. I know you wanna get to Canada pronto, but this is fuckin' exhausting. It might be your cup of tea, but believe it or not, I need some time out of this car."

"Well, where do you suggest we go?"

"I think there's a motel about a mile or two away. We can stop there."

I groaned. "Fuck motels. I've spent five years in motel room after motel room. I wanna shake things up a bit."

"That would explain Canada."

I rolled my eyes. "C'mon, anywhere else?"

"Cas, I'm exhausted. I need a couple hours of sleep."

"You can sleep back here while I drive."

"Oh, fuck no. You're not gonna fall asleep behind the wheel again. That ain't happening."

I sighed with defeat. "Fine. Motel fuckin' 6 it is."

We reached the motel, and for the life of me, I will never remember it's name. We checked in, got our room key, and walked into said room. Dean collapsed on the bed closer to the door.

That's when I realized.

It was the only bed.

"Oh, fuck. Aw, shit. Just... fuck." I cursed.

"What?" Dean grumbled.

"Oh, gee, I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that you're gonna have to sleep on the floor."

"The fuck you're talkin' bout? Call dibs, bitch."

"Oh, no, no, no. There are no fuckin' dibs, you ass."

"There are now."

I tightened my grip on my cane just a bit. No fucking way I was sleeping on the fucking floor. Fuck no.

"Dean... I can't sleep in the floor. I just... I can't. Not again. Back in Indiana, when I got hooked on drugs, there was a whole gang of drug dealers. Almost like a family. They all treated me like shit. Knocked me around, made me feel... helpless and pathetic. Weak. They made me sleep in the floor because... 'I wasn't worth air to breathe, much less a fuckin' bed'. Four months, I put up with that. Four fuckin' months. And it was all because of... the monster."

I recalled the worst four months of my life. It was all true, not just some sob story so I could get the bed. I really didn't want his pity or his sympathy, but I just couldn't sleep in the floor. It hurt.

When Dean didn't say anything, I had a feeling he was asleep. I wouldn't blame him. My sob stories were more like sleeping pills.

"Dean?" I called. Yeah, he was out.

I took a deep breath to keep from pummeling him. That would probably wake him the fuck up.

"Well I'm gonna take a fuckin' shower. Not that you'd fuckin' care."

I went huffily into the small bathroom, slightly slamming the door behind me. I looked at myself in the mirror and was disgusted by what I saw. I saw me. Me... who looked like hell.

"So that's what showers are for."

I turned on the water, not bothering to check how hot or cold it was, I didn't care. I just needed a fucking shower.

I expected either freezing cold or boiling hot, and I got the latter. Was this a shower or a volcano?

"Fuck!" I whispered to myself. "Fuck! Shit! Fuckfuckfuck!" I kept cursing until I managed to get the temp lower than one million degrees fahrenheit.

Once I adjusted it to the proper temperature, I could finally relax. I didn't care about the soap or shampoo or shit, I just needed at least a good rinse.

I let the warm water calm my nerves, the tension just washing away along with the water. It helped to ease my aching muscles. And all my worries just flowed down the drain.

I didn't have to worry about my prosthetics leg; the thing was waterproof. Then again, it wasn't exactly reliable. Maybe it wasn't actually waterproof, and that's why the screws always got fucked up. Fucking unreliable manufacturer.

But I didn't let that worry me. It didn't bother me right now. The only thing that bothered me was this Ed Sheeran song I got stuck in my head. I hadn't listened to it in a long time, but I couldn't get it out of my head.

"When your legs don't work like they used to before," I started singing it, though I usually don't sing in the shower.

"And I can't sweep you off of your feet.

Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?

Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70.

And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23.

And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways.

Maybe just the touch of a hand.

Well, me-I fall in love with you every single day.

And I just wanna tell you I am.

So honey now,

Take me into your loving arms.

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars.

Place your head on my beating heart.

I'm thinking out loud,

That maybe we found love right where we are.

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades,

And the crowds don't remember my name.

When my hands don't play the strings the same way,

I know you will still love me the same.

'Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen.

And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory.

I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways.

Maybe it's all part of a plan.

Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes,

Hoping that you'll understand.

But, baby, now,

Take me into your loving arms.

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars.

Place your head on my beating heart.

Thinking out loud,

That maybe we found love right where we are.

So, baby, now,

Take me into your loving arms.

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars.

Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart.

I'm thinking out loud,

That maybe we found love right where we are.

Oh, baby, we found love right where we are.

And we found love right where we are."

And I don't even remember learning the damn words. I just remember writing a lot in high school, and sometimes I'd include songs, one of which being Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran. I guess the lyrics just stuck.

I stayed under the cascading waters for about an hour, maybe longer. I needed this time to relax and quell my anxiety. I didn't care if it was wasting water, I'd deal with Mother Nature's hissy fit later.

I finally got out of the shower, drying myself off with the pristine clean towel that hung on the rack bolted to the wall. It surprised me that they had clean towels that were actually clean fucking towels.

I didn't have a change of clothes, like usual. I didn't want to wear the same black tee and the same black jeans that smelled like someone drank themselves to death in an alley in New York. But that seemed to be my only option.

I realized that Dean was carrying a bag into the motel. Maybe he had some spare clothes. Okay, so either wear clothes that belong to the one person I'm trying to remain completely unattached to, or wear clothes that smell like death. Aw, fuck.

I wrapped the towel around my waist and quietly opened the bathroom door. Dean was still sleeping like a rock. I crept nearer to see the small bag that sat next to him on the floor.

I picked it up and set it at the foot of the bed, making sure I was absolutely silent so I wouldn't awaken him. I unzipped the bag and saw clothes right at the top of the pile. A grey tee and plain old blue jeans. That would work. But there was no way in hell I would wear his boxers. I could live with my own.

I took the clothes and snuck back into the bathroom, deciding to change in there since it would be awkward to do that in front of Dean, whether he was asleep or not.

Once I was properly dressed, I went back out and zipped the bag up, putting it back where it was. I looked at my watch. 6:35. The day was still young. Ish.

Luckily for me, there was a minibar in this motel. I was beginning to like the joint. I took one of the beers from it and took a long swig. It wasn't the best, but it wasn't the worst.

I was drinking that stuff till who knows how long. I was well past buzzed and was a bit tipsy. That would explain what happened later.

I was sitting in the floor with my back against the wall, still chugging like a train. Once the bottle was empty, I set it aside, glancing over where Dean still slept.

"Dean?" I sang, grinning from ear to ear.

I wasn't sure what I was doing anymore. Any sense I had in my brain was quelled with beer.

"Ya still sleepin'? You fucker." I laughed.

I checked the time. My watch was probably on the wrong way because it said 05:8.

"Fuck. Time flies like a bitch. Dean, I wanna sleep, but there's no way in fuck I'm sleepin' in the floor."

He really must've been wore out. And now, so was I.

I climbed into the bed, laying right next to Dean. Had I been sober, I would've stayed as far from his side as possible. But with all the booze in me, I decided to snuggle up beside him, wrapping my arms around his waist.

I can't say I didn't enjoy the feeling of having someone to hold. It made me feel secure and safe, like no one could touch me. Except him. It felt warm and inviting; I wanted to have him here forever. But I was supposed to hate him.

"I've got sunshine on a cloudy day," I started singing quietly.

"When it's cold outside, I've got the month of May.

I guess you'd say,

What can make me feel this way?

My boy, my boy, my boy.

Talkin' bout my boy, my boy!"

I don't even know if I sang that right. Obviously the "my boy" part was edited.

"I... I'm glad... he said no. 'Cause... you're... the best mistake... I ever made."

And I finally passed out.