I felt so alone. I couldn't help it, that's just how I was. I was sure it had much to do with my moving here to the so called "glorious" Ohio. Damn you, Ohio.

I had no one left to talk to. All these new people, I just couldn't deal. And I couldn't talk to Anna about it, the only person from Virginia I ever really talked to anymore. It was just too much. All we ever talked about were fandoms and crushes. I couldn't talk about how dead I felt inside.

So, I did the only thing I could think to do. Three a.m. call to someone I never thought I'd speak to again.

I unplugged my phone from my radio, after about ten minutes of self motivation, and went to my contacts. I couldn't call. I just couldn't. But I had to. Such conflict.

I just scrolled through my contacts up and down over and over because I couldn't bring myself to talk to her. I just couldn't. I couldn't do it. I couldn't. I wouldn't. Okay, fine.

I put my phone to my ear, awaiting an answer. And I finally got it. "Castiel?"

"Hey, Erica." I replied softly, a bit surprised to hear the sound of my own voice after so much silence.

"Is something wrong?"

I sighed shakily. "I don't know what to do. I mean... after the damn move, I just... I feel dead inside. I moved here, and... my whole life is falling apart." I was on the verge of crying, but I wouldn't.

"It'll be okay, Castiel."

"No, it won't! I mean... there's a boy. And... I think I'm getting obsessed. I - I imagine situations where we're together. I picture him in bed with me at night. I was trying to find pictures of him the other day on Google. I don't want to be obsessed, but I can't help it!" I felt so weak at this point. Broken beyond repair.

"You just have to move on."

"Move on? How the hell do I do that? I mean, after everything that happened with... Dean, I can't look at anyone like that again! I can't!"

She sighed. "I wish you would've called me sooner, Castiel. You're going to be fine. With every ending, there is a new beginning. Your life in Virginia might have ended, but you have begun a new life in Ohio. You just have to know what to do with it."

"You always treat me like you're my freaking... therapist, I hate that." I almost smiled, but I didn't.

"Shh, you'll be okay. I promise."

"I... I should go." I whispered almost incoherently.

"Cas-"

"It's almost three thirty in the fucking morning, I have to go. I... I should go." And I finally hung up.

And that was far from the last time I talked to her.

._.__._.

"What are you doing here, Erica?" I asked sternly.

"I'm here because you need me."

"No I don't. Not anymore."

"You need me, Castiel. And you don't even realize it."

"You are the last thing I need."

"Then explain to me how I'm here. I can't be here unless you want me here. And you know that."

"Why can't you just get out of my life?" I asked irritably.

"Castiel... I can't get out of your life until I'm out of your head."

"Then get out of my fucking head! You were a mistake! I never should've... fucking manifested you!"

"There's no need for that harsh tongue, Castiel."

"My name is Z now. Castiel is gone. And you should be, too!"

"And yet here I am. Surly there is some part of you that knows you need guidance."

"Just shut the fuck up, Erica! Okay, so I created you when I was an overemotional, fucked up teen. I just needed someone to talk to without having to actually talk to anyone! So I created you! Big fucking mistake!"

"Castiel-"

"No! Don't you fucking 'Castiel' me! I want you gone, Erica! Just get out of here! Get out of my head! Just get out of my head! Leave me alone! Get the fuck away from me! Go! Just go!"

I fell to my knees, burying my head in my hands. I needed her gone. She was nothing but a mistake. Just a mistake. She couldn't be here. She couldn't be here.

"Get out. Just get out. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Just go. Get away from me. Get out of here. Get out. Leave me alone, you mistake." I kept muttering under my breath. She had to go.

I had to go.

I left the motel room in hopes of finding exactly what I knew I needed. I couldn't fight it anymore, I needed it.

"Castiel, I know what you're doing, and it's wrong." Erica followed behind me.

"Didn't I tell you to take a hike?" I shot back irritably.

"Did you really think I'd listen?"

"No, but it was worth a shot."

"You can't keep doing this to yourself. It will be the death of you."

"That's the magic of not caring. It doesn't make a difference."

"Well it should. You created me as your conscience, Castiel. I just think you should listen every now and then."

"My conscience?" I repeated snarky. "Whatever, Jiminy Cricket. I'm no Pinocchio."

"No. You're worse than Pinocchio."

"Why can't you just buzz off? I don't need you in my ear all the time."

"Well I think you do. You need guidance."

"Enough with the guidance stuff, okay? I don't need guidance. I know what I need."

"And what would Dean say to this? If Dean knew what you were doing, what would he say?"

"Uh, 'blah, blah, blah, wrong. Blah, blah, blah, bad. Yadda, yadda, yadda.' Something like that."

"He's a good man, you know."

I finally stopped to face her. "A good man wouldn't abandon the one who loved him." I seethed.

"He didn't abandon you, Castiel. He was not ready for a committed relationship. You know that."

"If you know what's best for you, you'll leave me the fuck alone so I can do what it is I'm here for."

"Or what? What exactly will you do? You can't even get me out of your head, Castiel. What exactly are you going to do?"

There was brief silence before I turned around and walked away. I needed her gone. But that would be extremely difficult apparently.

Get her out. Get her out. She had to go. I had to rid myself of her. How? Maybe if I can find what it is I'm looking for, that'd make it easier.

Can't think of Erica. Can't think of Balthie. Can't think of Dean and what he did to me. I had to distract myself. There had to be something somewhere. I just had to find it.

I looked all over the place for anywhere that it could've been. Damn Canadians. Don't they do this stuff just like us Americans? Damn this country.

And just when I'd given up hope, I saw two shady looking guys in an alley. There was a small plastic bag in one guy's hand, and the other guy had Canada's lame excuse for money.

I found it. I knew they had it.

I snuck up behind them, silently and cautiously, and picked up a two by four, bashing one of the guy's heads with it. And before the other guy could even think, I knocked him out with a hard side swing, blood oozing from his temple.

I tossed the board aside and got the plastic bag out of one of the guy's hands, smiling to myself at my victory. I really found it. And it was about damn time.

I searched both of the men for other bags, but came up with nothing. It was fine. I had all that I needed.

"This is wrong, Castiel, and you know it." Erica scolded me.

I just kept smiling down at my bag. "Go to hell."

._.__._.

It felt so good shooting up again. It's like all my troubles just melted away. Even Erica stopped bothering me after a couple snorts. This is just what I needed. Peace. Finally.

I looked all around me, not really feeling much of anything. I wasn't even entirely sure where I was. I might've been in an alley or something. Like I gave a fuck.

I was so high, I never wanted to come back down. I never wanted this feeling to go away. This feeling of weightlessness. Like I didn't have a care in the world. Absolute bliss.

No feelings, no form of any kind. Just... high.

I heard songs in my head. Soothing and soft. It was so beautiful. It made me feel so strong. So empowered. The soft, melodious music. Her voice was so gentle and smooth, like a lullaby.

I closed my eyes and let the music take me over. It was like a Siren's song, luring me into my death. If I died, I wouldn't care. It would be so peaceful. So tender.

No more sadness. No more fear. No more pain.

I could truly be at peace. And if hell wants me so damn bad? Let 'em take me.

I opened my eyes and smiled. Everything was such a rush. This feeling of weightlessness, like no one could touch me, the pure, blissful high. It all just felt like... ecstasy.

I never wanted to come down. Ever.

I looked around, seeing someone's face, but I couldn't make out whose. I just closed my eyes again, letting my high take me over, and I slipped into unconsciousness.