I wasn't sure I could face him.

What would he say?

What would he do?

I was all kinds of discombobulated.

I soon gathered my strength and approached him.

"Cas...-" He let the sentence hang.

"I know. I'm an idiot."

"You wrote that?"

Not the response I was anticipating.

I looked him dead in the eyes. "What?"

"Did you... did you write that?"

I paused briefly before answering. "Yeah."

I could've sworn I saw him grin. "It was great."

"It... it was?"

"Yeah," He paused. "Um... did you... did you write that... about... y'know... us? About... what happened?"

I sighed. "Yeah. I did. A long time ago."

"It was really something."

"It was a hit on YouTube back in '15."

He nodded. "Yeah?"

"Yep. Learned to play guitar, and I found myself writing a song as a way to... get out all my emotions."

"Well it sounds great. You're really talented."

I blushed. "Dean, you know I can't take a compliment. I never believe them anyway." I chuckled softly.

"Well you should. 'Cause it's true."

I chuckled again. "No it's not." I mumbled.

"Is too."

I looked him in the eye for the longest time before looking away again. "We should go. Time's a wastin'." I chuckled awkwardly.

I headed out to the car, Dean following close behind. "Still lettin' me drive?" I asked him.

He sighed, obviously remembering what he agreed to. "Fine." He gave me the keys, and I soon drove us away from the bar, heading for Canada.

It wasn't long before I realized Dean had fallen asleep. It didn't surprise me; after all, he drank half a fuckin' beer. Hardcore party animal, this one.

I began to reminisce about May of 2015. When I made that video. I didn't expect it to go very far, but it did. I was pretty well known for that song. But, just like everything does, it slowly faded away. But as a great man once said; it's better to burn out than fade away.

I wish I burned out. Fading away, that's like slow death. Slow torture.

I did that song before I took off without a trace. I did go to that stupid school in that stupid town in that stupid state. It was so fuckin' stupid.

A lot happened to me there. A lot that I couldn't handle. I hated it, so I left. End of story.

There was actually a lot I wanted to do on YouTube. A bunch of stupid stuff, really. Nothing very good at all. But I was just a teen, after all. I wasn't Tyler fuckin' Oakley.

Only fifty miles till Canada. Fuck, I was beat. I knew I needed to sleep, especially after what happened last time I drove, but I was too stubborn. I had to keep going.

It wasn't long before my eyelids grew heavier and heavier. I had to pull over, I knew that, but I was dead set on getting to Canada. Right fucking now.

I didn't realize my eyes were closed until a car passed by, their headlights shining directly at me. I jerked up, forcing my eyes to stay open. I had to fuckin' pull over, I was exhausted.

I eventually found a good place to pull over and parked the car there. I looked at Dean, who was still asleep. I never thought I'd be right here, right now. On the road with Dean Winchester.

I sighed and tried to get comfortable. It wasn't long before I managed to get some sleep.

._.__._.

We were in the near empty kitchen, eating pizza. Our youngest brother, Uriel, was at a friend's house for the weekend, leaving me with Michael, my mom, and a friend of hers. Our father was in Ohio still, doing his stupid job that landed us in this situation to begin with.

Luckily, there was some ranch dressing in the fridge, so we used some of that on our Italian Touch pizza. I knew I should've been in hell right then, but it was hard to be pissed with a mouthful of pizza.

"I don't wanna go!" Michael would whine.

"You think I want to?" I would retaliate.

"Yes."

I groaned and finished my pizza, deciding to practice a little guitar. I wasn't very good, but I had a way with the G chord.

"I don't want to go," I sang, strumming the G chord. "I don't want to leave." I strummed it again.

Michael started fake crying. "Stop it! You're making me sad!"

"Well hey, I'm trying to capture my emotions through song! Back off!"

I started singing my improv song again. G chord, "I don't want to go," G chord again, "I don't want to leave," Two G chords in a row, "When I'm not here, I feel broken," One more G chord, "Just let me be where I wanna be!"

I'd spend most of my time making up songs on the guitar consisting of nothing but my voice and the G chord. I reminded myself of Phoebe Buffay.

I eventually went into the living room, which was so empty, there was an echo. My mom Becky, and her friend Ellen were drinking a lot of wine. A lot.

"Holding back the years," They danced around the room as music played on my mom's phone.

"Thinking of the fear I've had so long.

When somebody hears.

Listen to the fear that's gone.

Strangled by the wishes of pater.

Hoping for the arms of mater.

Get to me the sooner or later.

Holding back the years.

Chance for me to escape from all I've known.

Holding back the tears.

Cause nothing here has grown.

I've wasted all my tears.

Wasted all those years.

And nothing had the chance to be good.

Nothing ever could yeah."

Michael and I were both quite disturbed by what was going on. But I couldn't have been more shocked by what was yet to come.

"Let Cas have a sip!" Ellen held up the wine bottle.

Wow. They were wasted.

My mother wasn't exactly fond of this idea. "No!" She tried to get the bottle out of Ellen's hand. "No, no, no!"

"C'mon! It's our last night together! Just a sip, then he's done! C'mon! He can just have a little sip!"

"Not with his medication, he can't!"

"C'mon, you know how long it's been since I've taken my meds?" I jumped in a bit too eagerly.

Yeah, I took meds. One pill in the morning to help me focus during the day, another pill at night to help me sleep. I was like a malfunctioning machine.

My mom reluctantly agreed to let me have one sip, which just goes to show how alcohol can really, really fuck up your brain.

Ellen handed me the bottle, and I realized what was happening, despite the illegality. "One sip, then you're done."

I knew how my mom was, there's no way she'd let something like this go down so easily. It wouldn't matter how much booze she had in her. I looked to her, making sure she was actually letting this happen.

"Your mom's not gonna say anything, just take a sip!" Ellen urged.

Rather hesitantly, I took a quick sip. The first thing I said was, "Fruity." Which it was. I can't remember what brand it was, but it was good.

Later on, I could tell it was having some kind of effect on me. I was sure it was nothing, but I couldn't help but notice how... awesome I felt.

I was in my mom's room, where Michael was watching something on my mom's iPad Mini. My mom and Ellen were in the bathroom, doing god knows what. I, in my "not quite buzzed but not quite sober either" state of mind, decided to play some music on my iPhone.

"Bye, Bye, Bye,"

I realized I knew this song. "Hey, I've heard this before!"

"Bye, Bye...

Bye, Bye...

Oh, Oh..

I'm doin' this tonight,

You're probably gonna start a fight.

I know this can't be right.

Hey baby come on,

I loved you endlessly,

When you weren't there for me.

So now it's time to leave and make it alone,

I know that I can't take no more.

It ain't no lie,

I wanna see you out that door,

Baby, bye, bye, bye..."

And when the next 'NSYNC song started playing, I realized I recognized that one, too.

"You're all I ever wanted,

You're all I ever needed, yeah,

So tell me what to do now,

Cause I want you back..."

But the one I'll always remember is the one that was the perfect slow song. The one that was made for that perfect slow dance. And the whole time it played, I swayed to and fro in time with the beat.

"Can this be true?

Tell me, can this be real?

How can I put into words what I feel?

My life was complete,

I thought I was whole.

Why do I feel like I'm losing control?

I never thought that love could feel like this,

And you've changed my world with just one kiss.

How can it be that right here with me,

There's an angel?

It's a miracle...

Your love is like a river,

Peaceful and deep.

Your soul is like a secret,

That I never could keep.

When I look into your eyes,

I know that it's true.

God must have spent,

A little more time on you.

In all of creation,

All things great and small,

You are the one that surpasses them all.

More precious than,

Any diamond or pearl.

They broke the mold,

When you came in this world.

And I'm trying hard to figure out,

Just how I ever did without,

The warmth of your smile.

The heart of a child,

That's deep inside,

Leaves me purified.

Your love is like a river,

Peaceful and deep.

Your soul is like a secret,

That I never could keep.

When I look into your eyes,

I know that it's true.

God must have spent,

A little more time on you.

Never thought that love could feel like this,

And you changed my world with just one kiss.

How can it be that right here with me,

There's an angel?

It's a miracle.

Your love is like a river,

Peaceful and deep.

Your soul is like a secret,

That I never could keep.

When I look into your eyes,

I know that it's true.

God must have spent,

A little more time on you.

God must have spent,

A little more time on you,

A little more time on you."

I don't remember much other than that. I did take a rather long sip. That was my first drink of alcohol... that anyone else knew about. Let's just say that was a secret kept between me and Johnny Walker Red.

I remember Ellen walking out of the bathroom at some point, and Michael said something about her and my mom making out in there, and Ellen denied, denied, denied, but it wasn't necessarily in that order.

Then at some point, I decided to go to bed and sleep off the "not really a buzz but an affect of alcohol nonetheless". I hooked up my phone to my radio/alarm clock/MP3 player, and I eventually fell asleep to the sounds of 'NSYNC.