April promptly kicked me out. I walked to my motel room in my disheveled clothes, getting strange looks from the occasional passerby. It was clear to me just how much of a whore I was; I was still horny.

Once I reached my room, I got a beer from the minibar. I drank myself into a light buzz. I checked the time. 2:10. Time was flying by unbelievably fast.

Once I finished off the little bottle of beer, I decided I needed a smoke. Since I used my lighter to burn that body this morning, I had to use a match.

I opened the window and lit up. I blew smoke out the window, watching as it was carried away by the slight breeze. As I smoked, I watched the traffic roll on by. Just a couple cars every now and then.

I made a little game out of it. I counted all the red cars and blue cars that passed, and I'd see which color showed up the most.

I was in such a bored state, I started counting to myself aloud. "Red... blue... blue," I puffed another cloud of smoke. "Shoot me."

By the time I finished the cigarette, red won by four. I crushed the cigarette butt in the ashtray on the nightstand and flopped down on the bed. By now I was in nothing but my tee and boxers.

It was now 3:00 on the dot. I was climbing the walls. I started thinking about Dean again. That's all I ever seemed to think about anymore. He was the constant factor of my thoughts. Dean, Dean, Dean. The reason for me being me. But the question was, did I have him to thank or to blame?

I always questioned my lifestyle when I wasn't either smoking, drinking, or jerking off to online Asian porn. When he broke me, he changed me. But I still didn't know if it was for the better or the worst. I had complete and utter freedom, but often times, I wondered if it was everything I imagined. Everything I wished for.

I got my jacket off the floor and rummaged through the numerous pockets until I found what I was looking for. It was a little picture of me and Dean kissing. Back when we were still together. Back before I became... Z. When Castiel still lived on.

I felt hot tears fill my eyes. The pain he caused was too much. But I wouldn't cry. I haven't cried in years.

"What did I do?" I choked out past my tightening throat. "God, Dean, tell me what I did. Was it something I said? Something I did? What did I do, Dean? What did I do?"

I was so close to tears by now. But I couldn't cry. Castiel cries. Z carries on.

I choked back a sob and put the picture on the nightstand next to the ashtray. It must've been the booze or the depression, but when I laid back down, I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

._.__._.

I was nailing her in a bathroom stall in some bar. She was almost as good as April. Almost.

We were making that stall shake because we were going so hard. I had her pinned to the wall by her wrists as I bucked my hips, my back arching as I reached my climax.

"Oh, baby," She moaned. "Oh, yes." Her back arched as well as she let out a loud moan.

"Oh yeah," I growled. "Oh. Yeah. Oh, god, yeah."

._.__._.

I snorted lightly as I awoke to the sound of knocking on the door, drooling all over the pillow. I realized the bed was wet again. I would never be satisfied.

"Huh? Wha-what!" I called, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

"Room service." The woman behind the door answered.

"I didn't ask for room service!" I shouted, keeping my eyes closed.

"Sir, I have clean towels."

"I didn't ask for clean towels!"

"Sir, I insist."

I opened my eyes, noticing how eager she was to gain access to my room. I got up and slipped my jeans back on, leaving them unbuttoned. I grabbed my saltshaker from my jacket, warily approaching the door.

Without unlatching the chain lock, I opened the door, staring down the petite blonde maid through the small crack in the doorway.

"I don't need towels." I muttered.

"No. But you do need to come with me."

"Oh yeah? Why should I?"

Her eyes flashed black, revealing what she was. "Because if you don't, I'll tear your throat out."

"What do you things want with me?" I sneered.

"I've heard a lot about you, Castiel."

"How many times must I say it? Castiel is gone. I am Z."

I covered her in salt through the door and slammed it shut, the sound of her screams traveling through the walls. I quickly scrambled to gather my stuff, not that I had much. I buttoned and zipped my jeans, threw on my leather jacket, and grabbed the picture from the nightstand. I then remembered the cane and pulled it out from under the bed.

Just as I grabbed it, the maid kicked the door in. She threw a punch at me, which I blocked with the cane. I used it to pin her to the wall by her neck.

"Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus-"

She managed to push me back with her demonic strength. I was pinned to the opposite wall by her powers, but I continued the exorcism.

"Omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii-"

She advanced on me, grabbing me by the throat and choking me on the bed. I managed to turn the tables and pin her down, quickly reciting the exorcism.

"Omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica. Ergo-"

She managed to push me off, slamming my back into the wall.

"You're coming with me, pretty boy." She hissed.

I grinned. "Like hell I am," As I continued the exorcism, she was clearly being affected by it. "Ergo draco maledicte, ecclesiam tuam securi tibi, facias libertate servire, te rogamus, adios, bitch."

I leaned in close and whispered into her ear, "Or should I say... audi nos."

And she loosened her grip, smoke billowing from her mouth and making it's way out the open window. The body collapsed in my arms and I laid it out on the bed.

As I always did, I checked for a pulse. Although I expected her to be nothing but dead meat, she actually had a bit of life in her. There was a faint pulse, I was sure of it.

"Holy shit," I patted her on the cheek. "Hey, wake up. C'mon, please, for the love of god, wake up. C'mon," I glanced at her name tag. "Meg. Meg, you gotta wake up. Come on!"

She inhaled a raspy breath as she came to. She was barely alive. "What... was that?" She choked out, blood spilling past her lips.

"Shh, it's okay. It was a demon. It's gone now though. I got rid of it. It's gone. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine." I smiled reassuringly.

Her breathing was shallow and her skin was sickly pale. I sincerely doubted she'd stay alive for much longer. The thought made my insides churn.

"Am I... am I gonna see my parents again?" She smiled weakly.

"Yeah. You're gonna see 'em. You're gonna get better soon, I promise."

She shook her head slightly. "No. My parents died when I was four. I only have my baby sister. Two years younger."

"And you'll see her again soon, okay? You're not dying just yet. I won't let you."

"Gonna see mommy and daddy again. Up there. I'll see 'em again."

"Nineteen exorcisms and you're the only one who's survived. Please, don't... don't let go. Don't take that away from me. Just one. Just one survivor, that's all I need to get by."

"What's... what's your name?"

"My name is... I actually don't really know who I am anymore."

"She called you... Castiel. Is... is that... your name?" She wheezed.

I sighed. "It was. Not anymore."

She smiled meekly. "It's a beautiful name. Beautiful like a... sunrise."

I watched as the light faded from her eyes, her breathing slowing until it stopped and she went limp. She died in my arms. And it was my fault.

This was the guilt I'd forgotten until now.

I quickly checked out of the motel before they could find the body. I obviously couldn't burn it. It was around 7:15 when I left, and I kept walking down the street in search of a place to spend the night.

I spent about an hour walking, and I was wore out. I wasn't sure how much longer I could last. And just like that, it started raining. Great. Fucking perfect.

I picked up the pace a little, desperately searching for anyplace to stay for the night. It quickly became cold, and I wrapped my jacket tightly around me, my teeth chattering just a slight.

Just when I thought I'd catch pneumonia, I came across an array of cardboard boxes sitting outside an apartment. It wasn't ideal, but I had no other options.

I set up the biggest one so the open end faced out. I curled up inside it, holding my cane close, and tried to sleep to no avail. It was far too cold for me to even think about sleep.

I had a feeling I'd catch hypothermia, especially since my nose, ears, and toes started to go numb. It was only a matter of time before I went completely numb, fell into a deep sleep and died. It didn't seem like a bad way to go.

My teeth were chattering loudly, my whole body was shivering, and I was absolutely starving. I realized I hadn't eaten much today. Did I even eat at all? I wasn't sure.

I knew I was half asleep because I woke myself back up with my own quiet snoring. I was beyond exhausted, but every time I tried to sleep, the cold wind bit at my skin. I closed the box up as best I could to block the breeze, which worked for the most part.

I curled up as tight as I could as though I were a hedgehog or something. I let out a long yawn and finally succeeded in getting some sleep.