I awoke to a severe headache that I was bound to acquire. It took a little while to remember what happened the previous night, but when I did, I mentally facepalmed.

I kept my eyes closed, trying to go back to sleep, but I suddenly realized my spidey senses were tingling. There was something wrong, I could feel it.

I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was Dean gagged and tied to the bed.

"Dean?" My voice cracked as I whispered to him.

"Well, well," A female voice spoke. I saw the young blonde girl standing right next to my side of the bed. "Look who's finally awake. Rise and shine, princess."

"Who are you?" I asked.

She flashed me her black eyes. "Does this answer your question sufficiently?"

Dean was trying to speak, but the cloth used to gag him left his speech muffled.

"Let Dean go." I demanded.

"Well where's the joy in that? I wanna have a little fun." She grinned.

"Why do you things want me so badly? That's what I wanna know."

"I've heard a lot about you, Castiel. You're worth your weight in gold, even if you don't realize it."

"How? Just how in the fuck am I worth jack?"

"The time to talk is over. Time to take you to the boss."

"You mean the fuckin' devil?"

"Such a harsh tongue, Castiel."

"If I've said it once, I've said it a million fuckin' times. My. Name. Is. Z."

"Not according to the big boss. Castiel Novak."

"If you've heard so much about me, then surely you can answer my fuckin' questions."

"No. I don't answer to the likes of you."

"Well you do now, bitch. Why does he want me?"

"Enough! I'm taking you there, Castiel. Whether you like it or not."

"Are you all so arrogant? Or was it just Meg?" I hated thinking of Meg, what happened that night.

"Meg was a hothead. Charging in without a plan, that's her thing. I, on the other hand, happen to know the best way of taking you down to the dark side."

I smirked. "Oh really? Humor me."

She held up her hand, clenching her fist, and Dean started writhing in pain. I hated the sight of it, and I was sure this black eyed bitch knew that.

I glared up at her, about to attack her, when I realized I was tied to the bed as well. "Stop it, you little bitch."

She chuckled triumphantly. "Then tell me what I wanna hear."

I knew what she wanted, and I clearly had no other choice than to resign. To give myself in order to save Dean. That's what it always comes down to, right?

"Fine. You win. Just let Dean go."

She released her demonic hold on him, smirking down at me. She clearly knew she won.

"Funny what love can do."

"I don't love him," I quickly snapped back. "Not anymore."

She chuckled. "Sure. Whatever you say. And don't try any funny business or I'll snap his neck."

"Just tell me what I'm worth. What is the point of me?"

"Castiel-"

"Z! My fuckin' name is Z. It has been for a long time. Now you tell me. What. I'm. Worth."

She leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Everything."

All of a sudden, Dean was on top of her, tackling her to the ground. How he got untied, I wasn't sure, but I was grateful for it at that moment. But what he held in his hand astounded me.

"Go back to hell, bitch!" He growled, emptying his flask of holy water on her.

She screamed in pain, writhing beneath him. She soon smoked out, surrendering to him. We stared at each other for the longest time.

We both spoke, "You're a hunter?"

Pretty soon, we got our shit together, which actually took a bit of time.

"You are... a fuckin' hunter?" I was astounded.

"Not exactly. I just... a few years back, I saw something... demon-y. And after that, I dug into all things monsters. Never actually killed one, though. Found some pretty cool shit, but... I never used any of it."

"You... you carry a flask of holy water?" I grinned.

"Well, holy salt water, but yeah. I find it pretty efficient."

"I never saw you as a hunter. You just... don't strike me as the... hunter type."

"You're one to talk."

"Hey, fuck you, I'm a badass!"

He chuckled. "Yeah, sure you are."

"I just... I wish I knew what these fuckers want with me."

"You really don't know?"

"No. I mean... little miss sunshine here was no help in shedding some light on the subject."

"Ruby."

I glanced at him. "What?"

"Her name, according to her, was Ruby."

I sighed lightly, staring down at my hands. "Twenty."

"What?"

"Twenty demonic encounters. Only one survivor... who lasted about five minutes."

"Wow."

"Yeah. Ruby here marks my twentieth. Yippee."

"Hey, don't sweat it. At least those demons went back to hell where they belong."

"But those people...-" I let the sentence hang.

"You just gotta let the guilt go."

"You think I feel guilty every fuckin' time? I never felt bad, not once. Until Meg. When she... when she died in my arms. And she knew she was gonna die. She knew." I buried my face in my hands.

"It's okay, Cas. Everyone has their time."

"Don't give me that bullshit." I growled.

"Cas-"

"No, Dean!" I looked back at him. "She died and it's all my fuckin' fault! Maybe... maybe if I had exorcised her more... carefully, if I wasn't so... rough. So violent. Maybe... maybe she would've had a chance."

"You can't blame yourself. These things happen."

"Twenty fuckin' times?! I don't think so, Dean!"

"Dammit Cas, it wasn't your fault! It wasn't!"

"Then who's to blame? Huh?"

"No one is to blame. This wasn't anyone's fault. Not yours, not theirs, not anybody's! You've just gotta believe that!"

"I'm supposed to save people, Dean. I'm s'posed to save them, not kill them in order to yank a demon out of their bodies."

"C'mon, Cas-"

"Dean! Most of them didn't even go to hell! They just swapped meatsuits! Didn't even go to hell." I was about to cry like the emotional wreck I always was.

"Some did, right?"

I sighed and nodded. "A few. Meg included. The demon in her, anyway."

"See? That's something, right?" He tried to comfort me.

"I'm supposed to help people. But in the end, the body count just goes up. Because of me, Dean. I kill more often then I save."

"Don't think so low of yourself, Cas. You save lives, that's all that matters."

"Stop trying to make me fuckin' feel better. C'mon, we should go. Let them find this damn body."

I went to gather my clothes and my cane, and Dean finally asked the question I knew he'd ask.

"What happened to your leg?"

"Nothing. Doesn't matter. Let's just go."

We soon checked out of the motel, driving as far from the motel as possible. I just stared out the window for a while until I finally spoke.

"How long till Canada?"

"Well, we're still in Minnesota, so it could be a day or two."

I sighed deeply, leaning back and closing my eyes. "Awesome."

"But... Cas, really, what happened? What'd you do to your leg?"

"It. Doesn't. Matter." I replied through gritted teeth.

"I know you don't think so, but... dammit, I care about you. Now what the hell happened?"

"You say that you care, but they're just words. Just like what you said five years ago. Words."

"Exactly. Just words. Jesus, Cas. If I had known this would happen, I would've... I dunno, tried to soften the blow."

"Soften the blow?" I repeated, looking over at him. "And just how in the fuck would you have done that? You're so full of shit."

"No I'm not! And you know what? You're one to talk!"

"Um, excuse me?"

"Oh you heard me! There's a lot you still haven't told me! Like what happened to your leg for example!"

"You don't need to know what happened to my fuckin' leg, Dean! It's not important!"

"It is to me, Cas! What the hell happened?"

"I DON'T WANT TO FUCKIN' TALK ABOUT IT!"

There was a moment of silence before Dean spoke up. "Okay. I'll get an answer out of you eventually."

"I doubt it. I'm the silent type. You know that."

"Trust me, I'll find a way. I brought you out of your shell once, I can do it again."

"Yeah, well, last time, I didn't realize my shell could save my life. Now I know better."

"Was it really that bad? Did you... like me that much?"

"I thought I did. I really did. But love is just a lie. Nothing but a poisonous lie."

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

I just rolled my eyes and decided to sleep. That's all I'm good at anyway. Even though I hate sleeping in cars.

Truth be told, I didn't like him. I wasn't sure what I felt, but I didn't like him. I might've loved him.

But he broke me. I couldn't love him. I couldn't.

Then... I thought of... Samandriel.

Just another boy I got caught up in.

It was before I even met Dean. We never dated, but I wanted to. It just took me too long to realize it.

We were both chaperoning at this day camp thing. I only went because my mother enforced it. We rented a bus and everything. It was one of those charter buses or whatever they're called. I remember we watched movies on the way there, including Frozen. I haven't watched that in years now. Frozen, one of the Tinker Bell movies, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and other stuff I can't really remember.

I just sat in the very back, laid out across the seats, watching the movie. On the first day, I thought I was going to hell. But no, it was just an elementary school. One I knew.

It was the elementary school I went to before moving in the third grade. I remembered that old place. I had two best friends there. We were really tight when we were kids, but over time, after I moved a few towns over, we drifted apart. Like we forgot each other.

At first, I was absolutely silent. I kept to myself and didn't bother anyone. I figured it would be better that way. But then I was introduced to Samandriel. We really hit it off. We liked the same things. We were both writers, we both watched Psych, and we even came up with a book idea together. It made no sense to me, and I could tell it didn't to him either, but it was awesome.

It took me longer than it should've to realize how much I really liked him. Which was funny, since I didn't even know his last name.

Huh. A boy who brought me out of my shell. I guess I have a type.

We would hang out with some other people. The group consisted of me, Samandriel, and about three other kids. We were there Monday through Thursday, and while I didn't tell Samandriel how I felt, I certainly alluded to it.

Once I got there on Thursday, I found him and gave him what I was planning on giving him since the previous night.

"Um... hey. I just wanted to give you this. It's a seashell necklace. I got this seashell from the Gulf of Mexico." I held out the necklace for him, which I made myself.

He smiled and took it. "Thanks! Oh my god, really, thanks!"

I seemed make him happy. So I was happy. I couldn't tell him. It would just freak him out. Not to mention there was still Crowley on my mind. That all happened before I told him. Before he said no.

I soon fell asleep in Dean's car with so much Samandriel on my mind.