An Autobiography ~

~ The Damage After The Storm

Next thing I knew, the pain was growing significantly stronger and stronger; second by second, minute by minute, moment by moment, hour by hour, hours by hours, day by day, month by month and year by year. The pain was not only just increasing every month, it was every week and then it became every day of every second of the day. The side effects of the pain were too much to bare and I was so weak. It's all a little bit hazy as it was so long ago as I tried to block this part out of my life but none prevailed.

So at the start of 2017, I had a public minor, Laparoscopy {key-hole-surgery, to identify if I had Endometriosis {Endo}. During a Laparoscopy, they would insert a small telescope camera into the belly button and lower abdomen to identify any inflammation endometrial tissues to remove the Endo by cutting or burning, which involves destroying any inflamed endometrial cells. I had to have this surgery to see if they could find any Endometriosis, but they didn't cut any endometrial tissues out, thus why it was a minor surgical procedure. I hated that surgery so much. It was gross and yucky and I hated every moment of it, because they found nothing. No Endo.

So, after the first Laparoscopy surgery they said I didn't have Endo and they basically told me I was insane and that I need to get mental help and saying that they will refer me to a pain management clinic. No joke! After my doctor got the results back, it turns out they found something...I was then diagnosed with Adenomyosis. Which is a condition in which endometrial tissue exists within and grows into the uterine wall. So it's basically a sister to Endometriosis but it's only in the uterus. And it also causes me extremely bad abdomen pain. And don't even get me started on periods. It literally feels like I'm in childbirth or something when I get my period on the first couple of days. And I also have ovulation pain which is annoying too. But when I always think back to my pain and symptoms, I always come back to Endo. I HAVE to have Endo. How could I not have it. It doesn't make any sense if I don't because I have all the symptoms.

After hearing the news of not having Endometriosis I didn't give up hope and I stayed persistent. So I decided public health was not the way to go and pivoted towards private health. I saw a private Gynaecologist and they listened to me but only believed I had Endometriosis and not Adenomyosis as she told me you need a Hysterectomy to be diagnosed which I don't believe that is true as my mother has Adeno and got diagnose by ultrasound. But nonetheless, I was still happy they believed me about having Endo. But, unfortunately, in Australia you have to wait 12 months to have any major surgeries done when you get Private Health Insurance. So that's exactly what I did. I waited 12 months to get my surgery. So at the start of 2018, I had another Laparoscopy surgery, and I was finally diagnosed with stage 3 Endometriosis. But it turns out I was lucky enough to have invisible Endo. Like, it wasn't entirely invisible just discolouring and dark marks. So, when I had my first surgery, they couldn't see it and ruled it off as I was insane and making it all up.

So after all my surgeries as you could imagine they played a big role in my mental health. I've had 7 surgeries so far by this point. I was pretty depressed and anxiety sparked up 100%. I was so lost and confused how to feel like myself again and I still don't, unfortunately. Not too long ago I started getting symptoms for PCOS, so I did a hormonal test and it turns out I only have reallly reallly really low progesterone. Which has caused me bad acne like I'm going through puberty all over again. And another symptom of low progesterone is that I am unable to lose weight. Like I don't gain weight because I eat so healthy, but I can't lose any weight and it's so annoying...

So, now I'm just playing the waiting game and waiting out the pain till it gets extreme again, untill I can have my 2nd Laparoscopic surgery, as the first surgery doesn't count as they didn't cut any Endometriosis out but still considered as a surgery as it was painful post surgery. I have two more surgeries I can have until I've reached my maximum amount of surgeries.

~ Permanent Scar

you're a permanent scar
deeply wounded into my pale skin
causing permanent numbness and pain
throughout my whole, weak and lifeless body
look at what you did...
are you happy now?

CM 🎗