I'm not okay.

I don't know if I'm sane.

And no I'm not being dramatic or just joking. I'm seriously thinking that I'm not mentally sound.

I either hear voices, or I have extremely screwed up thoughts.

I just didn't want to admit they were my thoughts or feelings.

So

I'm going to tell my therapist about how I really am feeling. Because I'm not gonna wait until it's too late.

Because I have a feeling it's almost too late.

I'm not getting better.

I'm going to talk for real, because I'm not feeling okay.

I don't feel loved, even when my family loves me. Because I immediately spiral when they don't have time for me when I desperately need them.

Because I can't take the criticism or being told I'm selfish. Because I dwell on stupid things.

I don't tell them how I feel because I am afraid they'll hurt me, even though they say they wouldn't.

But they don't know what I really feel.
What I really am.
What I really want.

So I put it off.

For far too long.

Now I'm telling all of you, because I don't know if I'm going to be sent to a mental asylum or if I'll be kicked off of Wattpad or if this will get flagged like another post did today. I'm sorry for being misleading. I'm sorry for being a bad friend.

I really do care about you all though....
I never lied about that.

I never lied about any of my feelings, I just.....
Left so much of it out.

I have urges.
It scares me because it is barely containable.
Urges to do.... things
To randomly kill everyone in a room,
Because I'm bored.

I don't know why these urges exist, and I hate being this way.

I said I have issues with self loathing.
It's because I don't know how long till I end up hurting someone.

I don't want to hurt anyone.

But can someone explain how one can also want to make someone else feel the pain they've caused or the pain you feel so badly?

That one meme,

"I stopped a murder today!"
"Oh really? How?"
"Self restraint!"

That's me.

And I hate it.

This is what I mean when I say I hate myself.

Because I hate that I sometimes take pleasure in someone else feeling the pain they've wrought.

Ashy, you thought you were the monster.

You were wrong.

So so wrong.

I'm sorry to all of you, you've had to be around me.

Heh.

Bet you regret that now.

Some of you called me an angel.

You were wrong.

So so wrong.

I'm not an angel.

If I'm an angel at all, I'm a fallen angel.

Sorry.

If you could do one thing for me,

I ask you to not get my account deleted.

I never hurt anyone on purpose.

I do have self restraint.

I just don't want to lose everything.

Please.

I'm sorry.

I promise I'm trying my best to be good.
I'd rather die than hurt anyone.

Even if my thoughts tell me otherwise.

My heart wouldn't let me.

So please.

If you have any mercy,

Don't make me be erased.

Don't make me be forgotten.

I don't want to lose anyone.

I'm sorry.

Stay safe my friends, I love you all.

- Loki