Q^Q

Thank you HalucinationCreation

I really needed that. My parents know that I'm non-binary, (they don't quite get it still for who knows what reason), they know I don't like being called a girl or sweet or pretty or a woman because I have horrific gender dysphoria, (yet they still don't even seem to be trying to change their ways of referring to me), they know my pronouns and my preferred name, (but they said that I couldn't get angry at them if they were still calling me by Elsa because they've been doing it for all my life and that I didn't actually change my name for real yet and that we can't because my grandmother is over), (who by the way says they are supportive of the lgbt community but just saying "they're people too" doesn't mean you'd except your own family member as a part of that community and also she grew up in a way different time so society had normalized a lot of horrible things like discrimination and stuff so she honestly didn't know that the terms "oriental" and "colored people" were extremely racist and not okay in any situation to use, and she's got some bad internalized sexism that comes with the times she lived in and the upbringing she had, basically I had an entire fight because she said "all daughters are sweet" which was kinda stupid because that's wrong. I told her that's not true as a lot of people out there aren't sweet, and it's not correct to say every single girl out there is sweet and kind. I said that and she just couldn't seem to understand the problem with her mindset. In other words, I've been preached [talked to or the topic being brought up way too many times] about how "I'll find a lovely young man and marry him and have beautiful babies" yadda yadda yadda. The constant talking about how marriage is about husband and wife and the wife is supposed to be there for the husband and oh lawd someone get me out of this house with a mass of toxic mindset adults. I cannot tell you how many times my mother and father have flat out erased my asexuality/ possibly gray-ace self because "I'm still young." Or "I might change my mind when I find my man" or "ah you might be different later in life, you're only a teenager-" it's dumb. Oh and I can't determine if them saying the following is homophobic (because it avoids or invalidates my homosexuality) so please tell me what I should do: "you know... you never know Elsa, you could find yourself an amazing man years from now and decide you want to get married and have kids. So you might not even have to worry about anything anyways." (This was in response to my fears about what challenges I'll have to face as I grow older because of my noncishet self. (And they've told me they just want me to have it easier in life, and don't want me to be harmed or worried or dragged down by anything society views as "out of the normal" and they still love me and all, but I fear for myself because I know that they don't have the correct viewpoints or mindset on what being trans is like or what it means. They don't understand because they ask how could I be in the wrong body if I was made by God so I'm perfect and whatnot, this is incorrect however, as being trans isn't about getting a new body, it's changing the body I already have because I was always non-binary. Never was I a girl, nor a boy. And I grow so upset that it feels like they don't care about how they are accidentally hurting me by saying I'm a girl. I have been repeatedly reminded by my mother that "I have all the girl parts, so why do I feel like I'm not a girl?" This isn't helpful at all. The sucky thing is, my family is struggling with my sister's chronic back pain and my gut health, and they don't even have the time to try to research how to help me feel more safe and at home and accepted or at least they don't think it's important enough because my sister is in so much pain. So if I'm saying something I'll be shouted at and yelled at to be quiet because my sister is in pain and I'm being selfish for talking about something I've been struggling with because my pain isn't as awfully physical as hers. Mines mental pain so apparently it's not as important or requiring of attention. Because I have gut health that's fucked up my entire mind so bad that I have to dig my fingernails into my skin to keep myself from impulsively and suddenly attacking everyone in the room on a single barely restrained thought, because my gut health tying to my brain having made me chemically unable to be happy means I can fix it by JUST FUCKING EXERCISING BECAUSE THEY REMIND OF HOW I AM SO LAZY AND UNFIT BECAUSE I WONT EXERCISE WHEN IM IN PAIN! THEY SAY GOING OUTSIDE WILL SOMEHOW MIRACULOUSLY FIX THE GODDAMN HOLES IN MY GUT! THEY SAY MY MENTAL HEALTH FALLING APART DOESNT EXCUSE MY UNSOLICITED AND UNCONTROLLABLE RAGE AND UNKIND TONE OF VOICE BECAUSE "IM JUST BEING AN ASSHOLE OR A MEAN PERSON" BECAUSE MY PAIN AT SEEING HOW IVE UNWITTINGLY HURT MY FAMILY BY INSTINCTIVELY ACTING AGGRESSIVELY ISNT ENOUGH TO SHOW THEM IM TRYING MY FUCKING BEST! BECAUSE THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I SELF HARMED LAST YEAR DOESNT MAKE THEM EVEN THINK TO CARE ABOUT HOW I KEEP ASKING THEM TO UP MY DEPRESSION MEDS BECAUSE ITS JUST GETTING WORSE! BECAUSE APPARENTLY THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND ME! (WELL GUESS WHAT? I KNOW THAT THE WORLD DOESNT REVOLVE AROUND ME! IN FACT ITS LIKELY THE WORLD DOESNT GIVE A GODDAMN SINGLE FUCK ABOUT ME! I CANT FATHOM HOW EASILY YOUR WORDS COULD SHATTER ANYONE LESS WEAK THAN ME! IM TOO WEAK TO GIVE IT UP BECAUSE I KNOW IF ID DIED, THEN MY SISTER WOULD BREAK AND MY PARENTS WOULD BE ANGRY AND DISAPPOINTED OR SOMETHING BECAUSE I DIDNT TALK TO THEM OR DIDNT LIVE FOR THEM! (WELL GUESS WHAT? I HAVE TRIED TO TALK TO THEM AND IM LIVING FOR THEM NOW! I JUST NEED A LITTLE BIT OF VALIDATION THAT YOU LOVE ME FOR BEING ME NOT BEING ELSA IM LOKI AND I DONT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HOW THE WORLD RECEIVES MY "UNORDINARY" OR "UNNATURAL" SELF! THE ONLY WORLD I WANT TO BE ACCEPTED IN IS THE ONE I CALL MY FAMILY, MY SISTER CAN ACCEPT ME WITH MY FLAWS AND SHE FUCKING LOVES ME FOR BEING ME, SHE SAID SHE WOULDN'T CARE IF I WAS AN ATHEIST SHED STILL LOVE ME! THAT THERE IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, I DONT NEED YOU TO QUESTION ME OR DISAGREE WITH ME! I NEED JUST YOU ACCEPTING ME, NO QUESTIONS ASKED, AS LOKI! BECAUSE I WAS ALWAYS LOKI AND ALWAYS WILL BE! AND THE WORST THING IS I CANT EVEN TRUST MYSELF BECAUSE MY OWN BRAIN CANT PROTECT ME FROM ACCIDENTALLY BLURTING OUT EVERY FUCKING SECRET IVE EVER HAD TO ANYONE I MEET! I AM ONE FUCKING UNACCEPTING MARRIAGE TALK AWAY FROM FUCKING LOSING IT AND SCREAMING AT THEM FOR THIS! IM DONE WITH BEING QUIET! IM HURTING MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE MENTALLY AND IM NOT LETTING MYSELF BE LABELED UNIMPORTANT AGAIN! IM FUCKING DONE AND WHEN IM THROUGH-

I'm going to burn this place to the ground.