Chapter 1
After-Effects of Despair

Huh?

What was that just now?

Did I see him awake?

Or was it just the lens of hope?

Or would it be the lens of despair?

I'm not sure anymore.

Because I, too, have locked myself in my cabin.

Ibuki once broke this lock. I remember clearly. The time she was throwing a party for Fuyuhiko.

Maybe I didn't lock myself in my cabin. Maybe they thought I had gone insane and locked me in here. Souda did that to Komaeda, didn't he? Ah, right, he did. I guess I now know what he feels like-- being tied up at your legs and feet with no chance of escape. I wonder what he thought whenever I didn't feed him? Did he somehow eat before Usami released him? How much did he think about his luck, that he would be released?

Have I gone crazy, like Komaeda? Have I finally reached that point of despair? Or would it be hope?

There's a difference, right? In hope and despair . . .

Clicking. There was clicking at my door. Someone was about to enter. I wonder who it would be? I guess it could be Souda to give me some food. They wouldn't want to kill me yet, right? I'm not too far gone yet, right? Oh, no, of course I shouldn't be. I'm still here, my heart's still beating.

It was Fuyuhiko.

"Hey. How are you holding up?" He looked down at me, all tied up on my floor. I didn't answer. "So, you've hit my point, huh? Well, I'm sure the rest of the bastards will fall, too, don't worry. You just got it worse than me."

Fuyuhiko sat down on my bed, still glancing down at me with a sympathetic look. "I'm calling it the after-effects of despair."

"Seems relevant enough," I rested my head back onto the carpet, facing away from him.

"So, uh, how did you end up like this?"

"I don't know. Ask them," I nodded my head towards the door.

He stayed silent for a moment, considering, "Alright." Fuyuhiko's eye-sockets were more caved in that I had originally thought. His eyes looks weary and very tired. I'm sure I looked the same.

Standing up, he walked over to the door, looking back at me to say, "Do you need anything to eat or anything like that?"

"No, thanks." And he simply nodded, starting to walk again before I called out to him, "It's good to see you're out, Fuyuhiko. Stay strong."

"You too, Hajime." And he closed the door.

And I continued my endless stare onto the floor next to me from day until night once again.

I'm not so sure if you would necessarily call this despair anymore. Maybe a depression mixed with despair. I can't honestly say since I don't even know, myself.

I want to see the others one last time before I'm killed off. Please, just let me see the others before I go completely insane in this damn room . . .

I want to see Komaeda. I want to hold his already lifeless hand so he can finally die and get rid of his misery, and ending mine, as well.

Another day passed. I took notice to how hungry I was, and the sheer strikes at my stomach telling me I needed to eat. Sonia came and visited me. Her and Fuyuhiko seem to be the only two who think I don't deserve to be tied up like this. Souda and Akane think I've gone insane, which I guess it expected.

"Another ship's come to give us supplies again," Sonia stated, as she stood above me. I wasn't caring enough to look at her at this moment.

"More medical?" I asked, still in a daze.

"Yes, as well as restocking the grocery."

I heard Kazuichi's voice outside my cabin: "Miss Sonia? Where did you go?" And soon enough he was in my cabin as well. He shrieked, "Miss Sonia! Get away from him! He's dangerous now!"

Sonia tried ignoring him, but eventually got dragged off by him, and the door was slammed after they were out.

I wonder if this is what we were expecting to happen. In no way could everybody just wake up a couple weeks after they were comatose and it be a happily ever after, would it? No, of course not. Just look at the state I'm in now. I wouldn't necessarily call this whole ordeal a happy ending in the slightest.

I let my mental exhaustion do the rest of the talking for the day.

. . .

"Please, don't forget . . . From the bottom of my heart . . . I am truly in love with the hope that sleeps inside you."

Where is that hope now, Komaeda? Where is it?

Of course I know what he actually meant when he said it to me. He was in love with me. There was no doubt about it.

Is that why I miss him so much? Do I miss his crazy personality? Do I miss his erratic laughter and twisted thoughts?

Or do I miss the way he loved me?

What even is the definition of "love"? It just has to be some undefined word that doesn't have a true meaning, right? There's no way . . .

There's no way he would fall in love with someone like me.

"Now that I'm on the verge of death, I've finally realized what I wanted all along: somebody's love."

. . .

Maybe it was true. Maybe all of it was true. He always thought I couldn't see through him. He didn't want me to know.

But of course I knew. I was there for him since the beginning, just as he was for me.

He was my . . . my friend. Both of us cared for each other. Both of us loved one another in some way. Though he probably had a whole different version of love towards me, I know I loved him just as much.

I just . . . hoped he knew. I wished from the bottom of my heart that he knew I did love him, at least once, in his lifetime. That there was someone who did love him.

Maybe he doesn't remember me. Maybe none of them remember us.

. . .

Fuyuhiko untied me. I finally got to see what I looked like. I was right. I looked just about like him.

"Thank you, Fuyuhiko."

"Enjoy the little freedom there is in this god-awful depression," he called over his shoulder as he walked out of my cabin. I needed to eat. I was having severe hunger pangs again.

With all the strength I had left to muster, I went to the hotel's restaurant. Nobody was here, good. At least I could eat in peace. I took a place by a window, hearing the ocean sweep up on the shore. I ate in silence, enjoying the calm of the sea.

I felt a bit of my strength come back to me already. On the beach below the hotel, I saw someone walking. I'm not sure who it would be, but I had just brushed it off as Fuyuhiko, finishing my long-deserved meal.

The person did turn out to be him, as he came up to get something from the restaurant and leave right after, no words said. I cleaned up and left, myself. I headed for their cabins, where all of our friends were in their comas. I visited everyone. Their expressions the same. Their conditions the same. Nothing changed.

Looking down at Komaeda, his expression still unchanged, I sat in the seat by his bedside, holding his hand again to give me some closure that he was at least still here. Sometimes I would imagine his hand would close back onto mine, if just for a second. Just a slight twitch of a finger, maybe. I'm not sure what all my delusional mind tried making up. Mikan was tending to the ones still comatose. Or Hiyoko was walking to the market with Mahiru. Nekomaru was training again with Akane . . .

I'm not sure what all I wanted to imagine happen. Just happy things. Just some type of miracle that wouldn't surface.

What happened to the future we were going to create together, Chiaki? Chiaki . . . what happened?

Is this something that we had imagined to happen?

Is this our future?

I glanced at my hand that was wrapped around Komaeda's lifeless one.

When would the day come where something happens?

. . .

Today. Something will surely happen today, right? There will be hope for today, I just know it. No matter how strong the despair, the brighter the hope will shine through.

"Isn't that right, Komaeda?" I spoke out, unaware.

Glancing at the clock, I realized it was time for everyone's pill. We were all assigned to do one side of the cabins. Souda, Fuyuhiko, and I take care of the boys. Sonia and Akane take care of the girls. They should be making their rounds soon. It's noon. I headed over to the cabinet, getting out the pill bottle. I heard Komaeda stir a little bit behind me, possibly just his head tilting a little bit on the pillowcase. I looked back at him, hopeful, only to be let down. The same expression, the same position.

Taking out a pill and filling a plastic cup with a little bit of water, I made my way back to his bedside, opening his mouth gently so I could put the pill in. The process has to be a bit quick, trying to get the patient to swallow the pill. I guess this is how Mikan must treat her patients, too. Of course we wouldn't be at her Ultimate level, but . . . I say from all the times we've done this, we could be close enough.

I saw Souda make his way into Nekomaru's cabin, and I didn't see Fuyuhiko. We had a little system installed to where if we've been in a cabin to give the patient their pill, a sign by their mailbox flicks green. If they haven't been given a pill, it stays red. The Future Foundation was generous enough to implement that system for us. Gundam's was marked red still. Might as well just get it over with. I came back outside to see everyone's was green. I'm glad I could at least rely on them all to still help give the pills to the rest of them. At least we haven't lost hope that much yet.

I decided to retreat back into Komaeda's cabin, seeing him strung up in his hospital bed. All of the cabins were like that now-- just hospital rooms. At least, hopefully they find some comfort in the ocean waves just right out their window.

Maybe they can even hear us talking to them. I've heard of stories like that-- where people in comas have heard their relatives and loved ones talking to them while they were in their long sleep. Sometimes they only heard a couple sentences, but sometimes they could hear every word that they had told them.

"I wonder if you've heard me this whole time, Komaeda," I leaned my head back onto the wall as I sat in my usual seat, "I bet you'd be thinking I was some fool, huh? Losing hope . . . It's something you'd frown on, wouldn't you?"

I stood up again, looking down at his solemn, usual expression. It's calm, peaceful. I wonder if it is peaceful to be asleep for months upon months. To just not have to worry about the outside world.

Leaning over, not being in control, I placed my hands on each side of his bed, hovering over him for just a moment before placing my lips on his forehead, trying to muster as much hope as I could for him to wake up.

I don't know if there's going to be a cheesy ending or not. Where everyone will finally wake up and be all jolly and happy. But, honestly, I really wouldn't mind if that chessy ending would come true.

Just as long as everyone is okay. If everyone could just be okay . . .

The EKG started beeping more rapidly. In shock, I looked frantically to see what was wrong. His breathing. He wasn't getting enough oxygen. I quickly scrambled to get the oxygen tank to supply more rapidly. After a few moments, the beeping became more regular. Good, this is good.

I felt my heart racing, and tears starting to blur my vision. Placing my hand on his forehead once again, I felt myself breaking down onto his chest. I don't know why. I don't know why.

I don't know why I love you.

. . .

Another week passed by. Ordinary routines. Hardly any talk. There's nothing to talk about. Just some blind hope that our friends will wake up. Souda didn't even seem to care that I was out and about, not tied up.

I sat on his bedside, holding onto his hand, staring aimlessly at the ceiling. My imagination must want me to suffer more. It keeps imaging Komaeda's fingers move, if just a little. It made me feel it. as if anything else would be ordinary.

I closed my eyes, hanging my head down.

Then, I heard him.

"H-Hajime?"

I wanted to laugh. How delusional had I finally become?

Keeping my eyes closed, I didn't want this to happen. Come on, not today. Please, just not today. I've had enough of these thoughts.

I felt Komaeda's hand tighten around mine. I finally let these thoughts stay. They're nice, I would want them to happen, right?

Opening my eyes, I saw him staring right back at me. It's just a dream. He's not actually looking right back at me, his gray eyes . . . looking at me.

My vision was blurring. My muscles with tightening. My heart was beating too fast.

He was about to speak again. I stopped him, holding my free hand up to his mouth. I felt tears sliding down my cold cheeks as I reached my hand around his cheek, up to his forehead.

I was close to his face, looking right into his eyes.

"Please," he said, "Kill me."

I shook my head, letting out a sob. I could see his tears in his eyes now, as well. "Kill me," he pleaded, his grip tightening on mine.

My face was closing in on his slowly. He tried talking again, barely a whisper, "Please . . ."

My lips closed on his forehead, then my forehead rested on his. I let go of his hand, placing it on his cheek. He weakly moved his arm onto my back.

"I haven't forgotten, Komaeda . . . I will never forget, I promise," I cried out, trying my best not to raise my voice.

He closed his eyes, placing his hand on the back of my head, gently moving my head towards his. And he kissed me.

Letting me go, he rested back onto his pillow, and I continued to sit on his bedside. "I'm sorry," he said in a small voice, wiping away his tears, "I just know I should die."

"No . . . You shouldn't die, Komaeda," I reached my hand over to rest on his head, gently petting through his hair. "Don't talk, rest some more. You just woke up."

"Hajime . . ." he tried speaking again, closing his eyes. "Thank you . . . for seeing through me."

The EKG stayed steady throughout the rest of the night, he was in a calm state. He woke up from time to time, glancing at me, and then falling back asleep soundly.

I stayed by his side the rest of the night.

That following morning, I let the others know. They all came rushing into the room, so happy to see the person they used to think was insane awake. Souda still seemed to hold a grudge against him, but I didn't let him get close to Komaeda anyways.

It took him a little longer to remember exactly who they were. I guess that would be expected, but it seemed a little strange that he knew me right as he woke up.

"So, uh, he's just awake now?" Akane asked.

"I'm going to check on the others, maybe Peko's awake now, too!" Fuyuhiko bolted out of the room, all of our eyes on him.

"Yeah! I'm going to check, too!" Akane ran out after him, Souda falling shortly behind. Only me and Sonia stayed to accompany Komaeda.

"Nagito, do you need anything?" She asked him, and he shook his head slightly.

"I'll stay with him, Sonia. Go check on the others."

Looking at me, she gave a curtsy, and left the rooms with the rest of them, leaving Komaeda and I alone.

"Hajime?" he called out behind me. I turned around, surely having a sympathetic look on my face. "Why do you want to stay here with me? I'm nothing special at all. Please, go look at the others." I shook my head, making my way back over to his bedside. "Hajime . . ." he seemed to be pitying me.

Leaning down, I placed a kiss on his forehead, leaving the cabin shortly after. I ran into Sonia.

"Hajime! Mikan's awake! It was true!"

"Go let the others know, I'll go see her!" I ran into her cottage, seeing her hysterical.

"Where is my beloved?! Where is she?!" Mikan was frantically trying to get out of her bed. The Future Foundation said that this could happen. That some of them could return to their original state of Ultimate Despair. Komaeda seemed to be excluded from that. Mikan, however...

The others rushed into the room with me, trying to restrain Mikan down. Sonia eventually had to put a shot in her arm to let her sleep.

Out of breath, we all stepped back from Mikan's bed.

"Ahh, what are we gonna do with her now? She's gonna need, like, serious help." Souda sighed.

"Then we'll help her," Fuyuhiko spat, turning to leave.

"Yes, he's right. We're going to do the best we can to make sure everyone comes back to us just as we knew them," I agreed.

"It's a miracle in itself that Nagito and Mikan have woken up!" Sonia protested.

"I . . . I see I'm wrong," Souda moped his way out of the room.

I glanced at the clock. Time for everyone's medicine.

Fuyuhiko was already working his way down the cottages while Souda decided to skip his duty for today and head over to the military base to mess around with all of those engines, at least that's what he told me whenever I asked him.

I took care of Nekomaru and Gundam, Fuyuhiko taking care of the rest before I had gotten to them. He stopped in front of me, muttering almost to himself, "Peko's still comatose." I placed my hand on his shoulder, nodding with sympathy.

"She'll be back, Fuyuhiko. Everyone will, I'm sure of it."

He nodded, retreating back to his cabin. I went back in to see Komaeda staring out his window, almost as if it were such a normal thing for him to do. Was it normal for him, in that simulation? Just to sit here without feeling wanted, all except for me . . .

"Ah, hello, Hajime. How is everyone?" Since he's woken up, I really haven't heard much of his hope and despair cycle. I guess it just hasn't surfaced yet.

"Mikan's awake, but a bit delusional. It's a miracle."

"It does seem like a miracle, doesn't it?" he looked down at his arms on his lap. "I'm glad my luck decided for me to wake up now."

"How so?"

"Well, I think it went like this: My luck decided to keep me alive, but prolong my awakening so that way people could suffer, as well as me. But now that I'm awake, I can't tell if there will be good luck or bad luck," he gave a sad smile. "I say it's good. Because," he looked up at me, "You've been here with me throughout this whole time. All throughout the simulation, ever since I was in a coma . . ." his voice trailed off.

"Komaeda . . ." I felt a lump rise in my throat. I leaned over, wrapping my arms around his frame. "I'll always be here for you."

"Someone like me doesn't deserve you, Hajime."

"Maybe not," I leaned back up, holding onto his shoulders as I suspended over him, "But in my eyes, everyone deserves someone's love."

He stayed silent, I saw his eyes become teary. "Hajime . . ."

His hand moved onto my back, shoving me into another hug. "Thank you . . ." he let out a sob, starting to weep more onto me.

. . .

Komaeda wanted to try and walk today. He said he was feeling some strength in his legs and he wanted to take a walk around the pool in the courtyard with me. I was trying my best to convince him it might not be a good idea, but he kept urging to walk with me, so I reluctantly obliged his wish.

"I'm sorry, I'm causing you trouble. I just miss walking with you. I guess that makes me selfish, right?"

"Don't worry, Komaeda," I said over my shoulder, unlooping his cannula.

Walking over to him sitting on the side of his bed, I took off his mask, then I placed it over his head and helped adjust it to supply his oxygen.

Leading the oxygen stand with us, he wrapped his arm with mine, and out the door we went, slowly, so he didn't fall. He looked up at the sky, admiring the pinks and oranges, as the sun was setting. "So beautiful," he awed.

We started walking around the courtyard, myself trying to make sure he was alright at all times.

"I'm sorry for making you worry about me, Hinata-kun," he stopped walking, me standing beside him. "I know I must be such a burden," he gave his carefree smile. "Please, whenever you want to, kill me."

"No, Komaeda," I held onto his arm tighter with mine. "You poured your heart out to me, Komaeda. I'm not going to let you go."

He unhooked his arm from mine, bringing his hand to my cheek. I felt my cheeks starting to burn.

"Hajime, from the bottom of my heart, I . . ."

I placed my forehead on his gently, "I know, Komaeda. I know."

I hooked my arm with his, and we continued our slow walk, staying close to the cottages so we can return quickly if needed.

Soon after, Komaeda had gotten tired, and we returned to his cottage. I helped equip the machines back on, and monitoring his stats.

"I can stay here tonight, if you want me to, as I did before."

"No, Hajime. Something bad will happen now. I had plenty of good luck for today. Please, I don't want to hurt you."

" . . . What will you do for your bad luck then?"

"Ah, I'm not sure," he gave a carefree smile. "I guess I'll have to find out when it comes."

Walking over to his bedside, I leaned down and placed my lips on his forehead. "Goodnight, Nagito."

I left him with a sad smile plastered on his face.

. . .

The hand that was replaced with Junko's was no longer on him, if you couldn't tell. It was just no longer there, he didn't have a left hand, and that was okay. I know it bothered him that he had once been corrupted enough to do that, but I wouldn't let him take the blame from all of Junko's brainwashing she had done to us.

Mikan is still suffering, we keep having to put shots in her to calm her down. We'll get her to be okay, I know we will. She remembers us, if that's any hope.

Nagito and I take walks around the courtyard almost everyday now, at a slow pace, just to relax a bit.

"You know, Hajime," he began, stopping to look up at the night sky, "I had liked you from the start of the simulation." He paused for a little while, I looked consideringly at him, waiting for him to continue. "You were my only friend."

I felt another lump rise in my throat. "I'm glad I was there for you, Komaeda."

He tilted his head back down to look at me. "Me, too, Hajime."

He still had lymphoma. He still had dementia. But . . . This was him. This is the Komaeda I know. This is the Komaeda I . . . I love.

"Komaeda . . ." I began, my voice trailing off.

"Hm hm? What's wrong, Hinata-kun? Have you finally gotten tired of me for the day?"

I shook my head, "No, I . . . I could never get tired of you, Nagito."

I saw his cheeks become pink under the moonlight, standing there in his hospital gown, oxygen still being supplied to him . . .

"I made sure to have a lot of bad luck while you were taking care of Mikan today. Would you mind keeping me company while I sleep? I . . . I've felt a bit lonely, ahah." He nervously laughed, putting his hand to his head.

"I'd love to," I locked my arm with his again, heading back to his cottage. I helped him return to his bed, setting up the machines once again. He watched me as I had set all of these up, making me feel a bit embarrassed. After I was finished, I sat on his bedside. He took his right hand and held mine, closing his eyes, falling into a peaceful sleep soon after. This bed could fit two, right? I mean . . . that chair gets pretty uncomfortable, and I couldn't just sleep sitting up, I'd fall over on him.

Letting go of his hand, I was able to lay next to him, trying as much as I could to give him enough space. This was okay, right? I . . . I could just lay here, right?

"Hajime?" I heard him mumble. I rolled over on my side slowly and saw him looking at me with tired eyes. He rolled over on his side, too, to face me. Unawareingly, I held out my arms to him. And I found him falling asleep in them shortly after,

my head resting on his. I felt . . . happy. Warm, comfortable, safe . . .

I wonder if he felt the same.

. . .

Opening my eyes, I rubbed them, seeing Komaeda sitting up, his back faced away from me. It was still dark outside. I called out, tired, "K-Komaeda? What's wrong?"

He didn't answer me.

Getting up on the opposite side, I made my way over to his, kneeling in front of him to see him . . . crying.

"I . . . I've never slept in someone's arms before. It felt so nice, I just . . . can't comprehend why someone like you would accept and appreciate my existence. It's so horrible and awful, I deserve to d-- . . ." I cut him off, reaching up to wrap my arms around him. He hugged tightly back. Reaching my hand up to the back of his head, I moved my hand through his hair, shushing him.

I leaned back, wiping away his tears with my fingers. "Let's go for a walk, Komaeda."

I set up his portable oxygen tank, along with his cannula, and locked my arm with his.

"Do you think we can make it to the beach, Komaeda?"

He nodded, not saying anything since we left. We went slowly, enjoying a late night walk, seeing the stars still shining above our heads

We made it, and Komaeda seemed to be a bit tired, but we would rest on the beach for a while. He seemed okay now, thankfully.

"Hajime," he called out, in front of him, quietly. His stare was aimlessly looking at the sea in front of us, as I held onto him with my arms, keeping him warm. "Please, Hajime . . ." he let out a sob, "St-Stay with . . . St-St-St-- . . ."

He started shaking. I held him tighter, reaching my hand to gently caress his cheek towards me. I kissed him, trying my best to calm him. "I will, Komaeda, I promise I will."

To my surprise, he leaned down, fumbling with my pants zipper. "K-Komaeda?!" I held his shoulders, feeling my cheeks start to burn.

"I . . . I'm supposed to pay you back, right? I-Isn't that what I have to do now?"

"N-No, Komaeda . . . please don't worry about 'repaying me'. You won't need to."

"Hajime . . ." He rested his head on my shoulder, "Thank you . . ."

. . .

We made our way back to his cottage, him falling back asleep soundly in my arms with no hesitation.

In the morning, I did my normal rounds of checking up on everybody. Mikan was calming down, surprisingly. I tried speaking to her today.

"Hello, Mikan. How are you feeling?"

She glanced at me, her eyes still having swirls in them. "Hajime. What's happened?"

"We were in a simulation, remember?"

"Sort of," she whimpered, "But . . . what about my beloved? Wh-Where is she?"

"Mikan, she is no longer here. We are not with her anymore."

Mikan looked at me with a strange glare, "What do you mean 'no longer here'?"

"You need to rest, Mikan. Lay back down." I placed my hand on her shoulder, adjusting her pillow behind her. "We'll be back to check on you soon."

I left the cottage, going to eat at the hotel restaurant. Nobody was there again. I decided to get my food and head over to Nagito's cottage to keep him and myself company. While I was eating, Nagito started talking about what it was like to be in his coma.

"It was strange. Just a very, very long dream. I could sense you were here with me, somehow. I . . . I heard you say that you liked me back, and . . . I felt you kiss my forehead. You were always so gentle and caring, Hajime."

I felt my cheeks flush, trying to finish the bite of food I had.

He stayed silent, he must have been thinking back on some things. I finished eating, setting my plate down.

"Junko . . ." he spoke out. I felt my heart drop. "I despise her, don't I?"

The flashback of him and Izuru came back to me on the boat.

"Yes, Komaeda . . . You've said something similar to that before."

His eyes were staring blankly for a moment, looking out his window. Suddenly, I saw the swirls. I could . . . hear his erratic laughter slightly.

"Ultimate Despair . . ." he started to laugh more. "We are Ultimate Despair." He put his hand to his head, I could see tears forming in front of his swirling eyes.

"Komaeda . . ." I touched his shoulder, gently, my voice calm. This was my Komaeda. He is just the way he is.

"Stay away from me, Hajime Hinata," I heard his voice become cold. "You wouldn't want to be trapped in my luck."

I shook my head, placing my hands on his shoulders, letting him stare into my eyes. "I'm not staying away, no matter what you say."

"Oh. Perhaps it's you who's planning to do something to me?" His grin widened as he leaned himself forward more, "It's alright. I'm all for it. It's you, after all -- do with me as you please."

I stayed silent, watching as the tears spilled from his cheeks. Taking my hand, I wiped away the tears before they fell from his face. He reached his hand upon mine, seemingly coming back from his hope-obsessed mind.

"I might have loved her once in my life. But not anymore," he said, continuing to look at me. "You are the only one I've genuinely cared about, Hajime."

"I know, Komaeda . . ."

He held his hand on the back of my head, pushing my head down gently, placing his lips on my forehead for once.

"May my luck always be good with you," he cried, starting to sob, bringing my chest close so he could cry onto me.

I comforted him all throughout his restless night.