Waiting

"Eisa, are you excited to meet grandpa?"

I smiled at my son who was toddling in the middle of the living room. Pabalik-balik siya kaliwa at kanan habang hawak ang paborito niyang kulay blue na blanket.

Ako naman ay nakaupo sa sofa at pinanonood siya. I'm resting after finishing the set-up for our dining table for our dinner with Don Emmanuel. He landed last night, a few hours after midnight, after a 19-hour flight from the Philippines. Nag-stay siya sa Hilton Hotel na 4-minute drive ang layo mula sa apartment ko

Gano'n kasi siya madalas, hindi siya tumitira sa apartment kahit na isang linggo palagi ang pananatili niya rito. Hindi siya rito natutulog kahit na dito siya naglalagi ng halos buong araw tuwing bumibisita siya. Kahit pa isang linggo ang tinatagal niya. It's his way of giving us privacy kahit na hindi naman kailangan. Kaso kahit na anong pilit ko sa kaniya ay mas gusto niya na doon mamalagi.

"Uh... yes!" he replied while spinning on his spot and nodding his head.

"How about Daddy? Do you want to meet your Daddy?" I bravely asked.

I never had the courage to ask this. Ewan ko, pero natatakot ako sa aanihing reaksyon mula sa kaniya. He understands everything now. Kaya gusto ko ring malaman ang nararamdaman niya. Katulad kung paano niya nagawang hilumin ang mga sugat ko dahil sa presensya niya.

Eisa's eyes glistened with anticipation the same way that his lips smiled widely. He even clasped his hands in front of his chest as if praying diligently.

"Dada Senrito?" he asked dreamily.

"Dada what?"

"Senrito!" proud na sagot niya. Pagkatapos ay muli na naman siyang nagtatakbo.

Hindi ko nagawang pigilan ang pag-alpas ng mahinang tawa sa bibig ko. For sure what he meant to say is Señorito. Gano'n kasi ang tawag ko sa kaniya sa mga kuwento ko kay Eisa.

"Mama!" My son walked towards me with a bright smile on his lips. Pagewang-gewang pa siya dahil siguro sa hili dahil kanina pa siya takbo nang takbo.

I reached my hands out just in case he stumbled down. Hindi naman ako nababahala kung sakali man na matumba siya. Padded naman kasi ang sahig kaya kampante akong hindi siya masasaktan kahit na matumba man siya.

He crashed himself in between my legs and arms with his giggles filling my ears. "Bimbo! Bimbo!" he shouted excitedly.

My smile grew wider. "You want to listen to Ang Huling El Bimbo?"

"Yes!" he agreed while jumping excitedly.

"Can you say please?" I asked politely.

"Please..." he pleaded while batting his lashes on me cutely. Eisa also signed the word to me by placing his palm on top of the center of his chest and rubbing it in a circular motion. "Please, Mama!"

My Mom heart felt proud after seeing him try to communicate with me through both means, verbally and through sign language. Tinuruan ko kasi siya noong eight months old pa lang siya para magawa niyang makipag-usap sa akin at masabi niya ang mga gusto niya. I was inspired by a Mom I stumbled upon on YouTube who also teaches her child sign language.

Kaya kahit na nagagawa ko na siyang kausapin verbally, hindi niya pa rin nagagawang kalimutan ang sign language niya.

Eisa's two years and five months old already. And I can already communicate comfortably with him. Siya lang din naman kasi ang nakakasama at nakakausap ko kaya siya lang palagi ang kakuwentuhan ko. It made him naturally excel linguistically. Something that I'm really proud of.

"Okay, love."

"Okay, love," he copied me. He wrapped his small arms around my neck and kissed me on my cheek. "I love you, Mama."

Mas lumawak ang ngiti ko. I cupped his chubby cheeks with my hands. It made his reddish lips pout.

I looked at his eyes that closely replicated the ones his father had. Hindi ako sang-ayon kay Hannah. Dahil kamukhang-kamukha talaga ni Señorito si Eisa. Kahit sa mata. Sa hugis siguro kawangis ang sa akin, pero mas kita mo ang similarities kay Señorito. I know because his eyes are my favorite feature of his face.

But Eisa's eyes are on the brighter side with its russet brown color. Ang mas gusto ko sa mga mata niya ay mas pumupusyaw ang kulay no'n sa ilalim ng araw.

Even the curls of his eye lashes look exactly the same as Señorito's. Kaya madalas ko siyang naaalala tuwing pinagmamasdan ko si Eisa.

Pinanggigilan ko ang mataba niyang pisngi at leeg bago siya tuluyang pinakawalan. Humahagikhik pa siyang lumayo sa akin.

I played the song of Eraserheads, Ang Huling El Bimbo. For some reason he fell in love with that song one morning that I played it randomly on Spotify. Mula noon ay palagi na niyang ni-re-request ang kantang iyon sa akin.

Kamukha mo si Paraluman

No'ng tayo ay bata pa

At ang galing-galing mong sumayaw

Mapa-boogie man o cha-cha

Napangiti ako nang makita siyang umiikot sa gitna ng sala na para bang may kasayaw. I don't know if he fully understands the context of the lyrics. Pero nagawa ko nang ikuwento sa kaniya iyon noon.

Maybe that's why he's twirling like a prince dancing his princess for her last dance. His one hand was extended in a straight line while his one hand was on, I supposed, the waist of his invisible partner.

"I'm dancing with you, Mama," he said with close eyes as if imagining the two of us dancing together.

Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata ko dahil hindi ko iyon inaasahan. "You're dancing with Mama?" I asked, surprise reflected in my voice.

"Hmm-hmm. I'll dance with you again. Then Dada. Then family dance with grandpa!"

Kusang umukit ang ngiti sa mga labi ko. Parang may humaplos na mainit na palad sa puso ko dahil sa tinuran niya. The way he talks makes it seem like he grew up together with them. He sounded so full of love with them kahit na ang reyalidad ay hindi niya pa talaga nakikita ang ama niya. And although he has seen Don Emmanuel rarely, he still recognizes and respects him as his grandfather as if he's always been beside Don Emmanuel.

Pinakatitigan ko siya. At habang tumatagal ang pagkakalapat ng mga mata ko sa kaniya ay siyang paglinaw ng mukha ni Señorito sa paningin ko. Eisa really looks like him when Señorito was his age.

And a part of me feels utterly grateful to the Lord for allowing me to have a child... a normal one.

Gabi-gabing parte ng dasal ko ang maging normal siya. It's been my biggest fear as a mother with a disability. To have a child without inheriting what I have that kept me far from being a normal kid. Kaya labi-labis ang pasasalamat ko na naging normal siya.

It also comforted me a lot knowing that I was able to give birth to a healthy child who knows how to read my heart.

"It's okay, Mommy."

I was pulled out of my thoughts when Eisa hugged me. Doon ako natauhan. At doon ko lang namalayan na na umiiyak na pala ako sa sobrang pasasalamat na aking nararamdaman.

"I love you." He hugged me even tighter.

Napangiti na lang ako at ginantihan ang yakap niya kasabay nang pasimple kong pagpunas sa aking mga luha.

Eisa's presence really is a great comfort to me. It was like... everything finally made sense. My pain was finally comforted. And my sad tears were finally replaced with happy ones.

Si Señorito na lang talaga ang kulang.

"I love you, Eisa." I gave him a long kiss on his cheeks. He giggled at what I did.

Sabay na napatingin kami sa pinto nang mag-ingay ang doorbell. Eisa immediately sprinted towards the door.

"Grandpa!"

Napangiti ako. He's always excited when Don Emmanuel's around. Kahit noong mas maliit pa siya, palagi siyang nakabungisngis kapag buhat siya ng Lolo niya.

Tumayo na rin ako at tinungo ang pinto. I trailed after Eisa and walked past our dining area and common bathroom while eyeing him who was excitedly jumping up and down by the door.

"Open the door, Mama! Open the door!"

Hindi ko na rin naman siya pinaghihintay pa at binuksan na ang pintuan. Agad na sinugod nang yakap ni Eisa si Don Emmanuel na maagap na nakaluhod para hagkan ang kaniyang apo.

"My Elysian!" Don Emmanuel beamed.

"Lolo!" Elysian clang onto Don Emmanuel's neck for a tight hug.

The sight immediately warmed my heart. Knowing that they never had the chance to stay side by side longer than one week but still treats each other like they never missed a single day out of each other.

Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang balikan ang pakiramdam na pumuno sa puso ko noong araw na unang beses ko silang nakitang magkasama.

Don Emmanuel visited me a week after I gave birth to Eisa. Halos hindi na nga niya iwan nang tingin ang apo niya. Mataman lang siyang nakatingin kay Eisa at panay ang picture sa bata.

I could vividly remember how my heart felt awkward at the sight of them together. Well actually, kahit noong nasa sinapupunan ko pa lang naman si Eisa ay ang awkward na. I gave birth to Don Emmanuel's first grandson! How crazy is that?!

Si Don Emmanuel na amo ko, lolo ng anak ko. God!

"Were you a good boy to Mommy, Elysian?" Don Emmanuel asked his grandson.

"Yes!" my son replied, sounding like a good boy.

Don Emmanuel ruffled his hair that made him giggle. Binuhat niya si Eisa at saka ako binalingan. He opened his free arm, inviting me for a hug.

"Kianna," Don Emmanuel greeted with a smile.

"Don Emmanuel," I greeted back gleefully.

Mabilis na nilukob ng tuwa ang puso ko habang nakatingin sa maaliwalas niyang mukha. And before I could even stop myself, I immediately went for a careful run and hugged him tight. "I missed you po!"

"I missed you, Kianna." Mas hinigpitan niya ang yakap niya sa akin. Even Eisa hugged me, too.

It's been about six months since he last visited us. Kaya sobrang na-miss ko ang presensya niya. Although our communication remains open for each other, iba pa rin talaga kapag personal na pagkikita.

Being away with them made me more expressive with what I feel. Siguro iyon ang epekto kapag malayo ka sa mga mahal mo, kapag nandyan na sila mas nagiging madali ang ipahayag mo ang sarili mo ng hindi mo namamalayan.

"And I missed you, Elysian." He kissed Eisa on his cheek.

Isinandal ko ang ulo ko sa balikat niya. Agad ko namang naramdaman ang ginawa niyang paghaplos sa buhok ko.

I sighed in contentment. Ang sarap talaga sa pakiramdam kapag kasama ko siya.

"I cooked dinner for you. Don Emmanuel," imbita ko sa kaniya.

"Just in time. I'm starving." He patted my head twice before we pulled away from each other.

Pinangunahan ko ang pagpunta sa dining area habang abala pa rin ang dalawa na mag-usap. Nakangiti at kuntentong pinakinggan ko lang sila, lalo na ang kadaldalan ni Eisa.

May dalawang plato sa pabilog na dining table na may tig isang hiwa ng malaking steak at hash brown sa gilid. It was drizzled with a generous amount of steak sauce and decorated with rosemary. On separate white oval-shaped deep plate contains a spaghetti. Iyon lang kasi ang kaya kong lutuin. Inuubos ko na lang kasi ang stocks ko.

Sa kulay blue na high chair naman ni Eisa ay nakalagay ang sariling plato niya na may lamang spaghetti at maliliit na piraso ng hiniwang steak.

"How are you, Kianna?" he asked when he entered the dining area.

I gave him a genuine smile. "I'm a lot better now, Don Emmanuel."

Pinakatitigan niya ako na para bang kaniyang binabasa ang katotohanan ng mga salita ko. Hindi ako nag-iwas nang tingin. Kahit ang makaramdam ng kaunting ilang sa matagal niyang pagtitig ay hindi ko naramdaman.

Hinayaan ko lang siyang makita ako.

Hinayaan ko siyang makita na okay na ako.

"No more nightmares?" he carefully asked.

The gentleness in his voice sounded exactly the same as it was from 4 years ago. Naroon pa rin ang pag-iingat para sa akin.

Mas nilawakan ko ang ngiti ko sa kaniya. "Wala na po," tugon ko.

"Are you confident to come back, Tori?" mas maingat niyang tanong.

Doon ako hindi nakaimik sa kawalan nang isasagot. Ayaw ko kasing pangunahan ang sarili ko. Siguro, dahil nandito ako sa malayo ay magagawa kong masabi na kaya kong balikan ang ingay na tinalikuran at tinakasan ko. Pero kapag nandoon na? 'Yon ang hindi ko alam.

I just knew in my heart that I needed to come back. I wanted to. Not for myself but for Eisa. He needs his father.

Masyado ko nang inilaan ang mahabang taon ng bubay namin para sa sarili ko. I already compromised my son. I robbed the opportunity of having a father from him. The same way that I deprived Señorito of being a father to Eisa.

Sila naman.

Sila na muna ang uunahin ko.

"Hindi ko po masasabi hangga't wala pa ako sa sitwasyong 'yon, Don Emmanuel," tapat kong sagot. "But I'm fine. Really... really fine. Ang malinaw lang sa akin ay si Eisa. He need his father. He deserve to spend his days with Tobias."

I thought I had to elaborate things further for him to understand my disorganized thoughts. But he smiled at me understandingly. "Tobias would be enlightened to hear that, Tori."

Ngumiti lang ako sa kaniya. Kinuha ko si Eisa at nilagay na sa high chair niya na nasa pagitan ng upuan namin ni Don Emmanuel. I also put on his bib to keep him clean. Makalat pa rin kasi siyang kumain. Ayaw naman niyang sinusubuan dahil mas gusto niyang kinakamay ang pagkain niya. Pinapabayaan ko na lang din dahil mas nag-e-enjoy siyang kumain sa gano'ng paraan.

"How have you been?" Don Emmanuel asked in the middle of our meal.

My lips formed an automatic smile. "I opened my old phone for the first time in years. Nabasa ko na ang mga messages ni Señorito," pagyayabang ko.

"Hmm, really?" A similar smile drew on his lips.

Tumango ako, nakangiti pa rin habang inaaala ang mga mensahe ni Tobias. "Oo nga pala. May tanong po pala ako."

"What is it?" tanong niya pabalik.

"May ire-release po ba kayong bagong collection sa Ramiscal's?" Nag-angat ako nang tingin sa kaniya, ang aking mga mata ay puno nang pagtataka.

A soft chuckle escaped his mouth. "Hmm, he told you about it?"

Tumango ako. "KT Collections daw po."

Ang totoo ay may nabubuo nang ideya sa isip ko. KT Collections sounded closely similar to my name, Kismet Toriranna. Ayaw ko lang maging assume-ra at pangunahan ang mga bagay-bagay.

Tuluyan nang kumawala ang tawa sa mga labi niya. "It's better if he'll tell you himself. He worked hard for it. Iyon ang una niyang inasikaso noong siya na ang humawak sa Ramiscal's."

"Siya na po ang may hawak ng Ramiscal's?" gulat kong tanong. Bahagya pang nanlaki ang mga mata ko.

"I'm an old man now, Tori. I want to spend more time with my grandson." He looked at Eisa who was silently enjoying his meal. Kumuha siya ng wipes at pinunasan ang bibig nito. Puno na kasi siya ng sauce sa mukha niya. "May two years na rin nang magretiro ako. Well, I was planning to postpone my retirement. But Tobias insisted for me to rest and for him to take over."

It was clear to me that I must've missed a lot about them. But I didn't know that the weight of those would be this much.

Tinitigan ko ang mukha ni Don Emmanuel. There were obvious traces of wrinkles on his eyes while laugh lines were drawn on the side of his lips and nose more deeply. Mas marami na rin ang puting buhok niya kaysa sa itim. Although he still looks good as he has always been, it was very obvious that he grew older.

"But you know what? I'm happier these days." Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at bahagyang pinisil iyon. "And I'll be happier to have you back home. He's waiting for you, Tori."

I already knew about that. But to hear it directly from the father of the man I love feels a lot more comforting to me.

Binibigayan ako ng lakas ng loob na bumalik.

Dahil tama siya... may naghihintay sa akin.