Blissful Savior

Sebastian Rhett Galvez

I delivered your flowers safely.
And just so you know
He hasn't left the front porch since you left
He's waiting for you
Still

Christian Seth Galvez

Why didn't you tell me?

Señorito ♡

Nasaan ka na?
Akala ko ba bibili ka lang ng bulaklak?
Bakit hindi mo na ako binalikan?

It took me a lot of courage to finally read those messages that left me broken years ago. Kasalanan ko rin naman kaya hindi ako makapagreklamo. Natanggap ko iyon noong mismong gabi na umalis ako. At ang muling basahin sila sa pagkakataon na ito ay nagdudulot pa rin ng kirot sa puso ko.

Interestingly enough, memoryado ko na ang mga mensaheng ipinadala niya, nila kahit na isang beses ko pa lang iyong nabasa noon. Lalo na ang kay Señorito. His words just struck my heart big time that he left an impact that I will never forget. Even after a long time.

Parang dinukot ang puso mo sa loob ng dibdib mo at paulit-ulit na inapakan. Gano'n iyong kirot. Gano'n iyong klase ng sakit na hindi ko magawang makalimutan.

But to have the courage to reply to his messages was too farfetched to me. Hindi ko kasi alam kung ano ang sasabihin. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano magpapaliwanag. At natatakot din akong baka hindi niya maintindihan.

"Eisa," I called softly.

Salitan kong tiningnan ang papalubog na araw at ang cellphone ko kung saan ko binabasa ang naipon ng texts at chats galing sa mga naiwan ko.

"What do you think? Should we go back?" I asked as if he can understand me. "Parang kaya ko naman na. Pero hindi ako sure, eh."

Malalim akong nagbuntonghininga. Muli akong nagbaba ng tingin sa cellphone ko at nagpatuloy sa pagbabasa.

Christian Seth Galvez

How are you in there, Tori?
Naging routine na ni Señorito ang tumambay sa porch tuwing nababakante ang oras niya.

Lalo na tuwing gabi bago matulog

Sebastian Rhett Galvez

You won't believe what happened
Dominique was here, flirting with your mi amor

Napasimangot ako sa sumbong ni Kuya Rhett. Akala ko pa naman mabubura na sa imahe ang babaeng 'yon. Hindi pa rin pala.

Disheartened, I took my eyes off my phone. Ibinaling kong muli ang mga mata ko sa papalubog ba araw. Mula kasi sa balkonahe ng apartment ko ay kita ang magandang tanwing iyon. I live on the 12th floor of an apartment building in Downtown West Palm Beach here in Florida where I am able to have a picturesque view of sunset.

What a pleasant view.

The sky was painted in a gradient purplish color mixed with traces of yellow and a bit of orange by the horizon. Napakakalmado no'n pagmasdan. I soaked myself with its beauty and peacefulness. Feeling its serenity with my heart.

But I also couldn't help but to feel troubled by Dominique. Ang babaeng iyon.

"Eisa," muling tawag ko. "Do you think Señorito still waits for me?"

Malalim akong napabuntonghininga. Kahit pigilan ko ang sarili ko, nababagabag pa rin ako. Masyadong desidido ang babaeng iyon kay Señorito noon pa man. Paano pa kaya ngayon na wala na ako sa tabi niya? For sure, she'll do anything just to make Señorito notice her.

"Eisa... may babalikan pa ba ako?" buntonghininga ko.

Kinuha ko ang tasa ng umuusok kong kape na nakapatong sa maliit lamesang nasa tabi ng single sofa na kinauupuan ko. I blew on it first before taking my first sip.

Dinama ko ang mainit na hagod no'n sa lalamunan ko. Pagkatapos ay humugot ako ng malalim na hininga at hinanda ang sarili ko sa maaari pang mabasa.

Señorito ♡

It's been a month my love
I'm missing you badly
Nandito pa rin ako
Sabi mo babalik ka
Kaya mag hihintay ako

He's waiting.

"He's waiting, Eisa..."

He's still waiting.

Señorito ♡

It's day 46 since you left.
How are you?
I'm doing fine here except for the fact that I've been missing you a lot every single day.

Sa hindi malamang dahilan, namuo ang luha sa mga mata ko. I looked at Eisa, ready to brag about Señorito's text messages, but found myself pouting at his sleeping state.

"Ang daya mo naman, Eisa-boy. Kanina, ang daldal-daldal mo. Tapos ngayong ako naman ang nagkukwento, tinulugan mo ako," simangot na reklamo ko.

But it was immediately replaced with fondness as I looked at every soft feature of his face. At bago ko pa magawang pigilan ang sarili ko ay kinurot ko na ang pisngi niya. Napahagikhik akong lalo nang makita ang bahagyang pagsasalubong ng kilay niya.

Pinagpatuloy ko na lang ang pagbabasa bago pa magising si Eisa at maaburido ng tuluyan sa kakulitan ko.

Señorito ♡

Good news, Mi Amor!
I secured a deal with Rous and Golds!
You've been aiming for this, right?
I did it, baby!
And also, KT Collections is in its final stage of preparation.
I can't wait to share these with you, my love
Be proud of me, please?

Seasons have passed and a new one had just recently begun and things had drastic changes. But the things that remained constant even to this date... are the messages I've been receiving from Señorito.

Morning and nights, he never failed to update me with everything that is happening in his life. Kahit ang simple "I'm having steak tonight. What's yours?" ay ipinapaalam niya. Kahit pa wala akong ibinibigay na sagot sa kaniya dahil hindi naman ako humawak ng lumang phone ko ng matagal. I changed my phone with one that Don Emmanuel prepared for me on this apartment he rented for me. Kaya ngayon ko lang tuluyang nagawang basahin ang lahat ng mga natanggap kong mensahe mula kay Señorito.

I feel like I never really left the country with him still filling my heart and mind with each passing day. Palagi siyang laman ng isip ko. At okupado niya ang malaking bahagi ng puso ko.

I know that I've missed a lot about them but Señorito, from the get go, made sure that I would still be included in their celebration for the milestones they achieve. Although dahil wala nga akong communication sa kanila, madalas ay hindi ko alam kung ano ang tinutukoy niya.

Señorito ♡

It's been a hundred days of not waking up beside you, mi amor.
I hope you no longer cry.
Because I won't be there to dry them for you.
I wish I could, though
But I know you won't want that
Kaya dito lang ako
Hindi mapapagod
Maghihintay sayo

Nakakamangha.

Akala ko noon, pagdating ko rito sa US ay balde-balde ang iluluha ko. I even bought a lot of tissues first thing at the grocery but I didn't use them for that purpose. Sure I did cry a lot on my first night. I allowed myself to have multiple breakdowns. But as soon as the morning shone, I felt a lot better.

I no longer cry that much. At least, not for those painful memories.

Hindi na rin ako umiiyak dahil sa takot.

I long stopped crying for self-blame.

Because I finally learned to accept the fact that it was not my fault.

The long years of realization taught me that. Sa tulong na rin ng mga taong nakakasalamuha ko. I found myself an extended family with the right people who never judged me.

Also because I was finally able to recognize myself. That no matter how crazy the world could be, there's me who would always be the topmost support of myself.

Señorito ♡

How are you feeling?
Are you having bad nausea?
Drink a lot of water.
Don't forget to rest.

I smiled unknowingly. It would've been a great source of comfort to read his concern over me back when things were tough for me. Dahil sobrang naging mahirap sa akin ang mga unang buwan ko rito. Kahit pa maraming nangyari at mga plano na hindi natupad.

The scheduled surgery was moved and postponed for months, years to be exact. And no one is complaining. Not even Don Emmanuel. Siya pa nga yata ang pinakaunang matuwa sa rason kung bakit hindi natuloy kahit na siya itong mapilit na magpaopera ako.

Although the consultation pushed through. And thanks to that, I met my people.

I was able to make friends with people who have the same condition as mine, dwarfism. At ang nakakatuwa pa, hindi nila ako tinuring na iba. We may be born with different races, but our hearts connect immediately.

Being surrounded with them made me realize a lot of things. They helped me grow. They made me realize how letting go is not being weak.

Señorito ♡

Happy anniversary, my love!
Tandaan mong mahal na mahal kita!

I looked at the date on that particular message. August 8. It's also Don Emmanuel's birthday.

Señorito ♡

Are you feeling alright, my love?
Stay warm.

Señorito ♡

October 25
I'll surely remember this day, Tori.
Thank you for making my dream come true!
And I can't wait to meet the both of you!
Uwi ka agad, ha? Para mapakasalan na kita

Life still worked wonders to me. At hanggang ngayon namamangha pa rin ako sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko. It feels just like yesterday when I was begging the Lord to save me. It feels like yesterday when I cried a river for the overwhelming emotions of self-pity and self-blame.

Thankfully, I was saved.

Not just by the people who showered me with so much love and appreciate. But also because of my Elysian Salvatore.

My Eisa.

My son.

I looked at Eisa once again and gently held on his foot hidden behind his blue blanket. At bago ko pa magawang agapan ay kusa nang tumulo ang luha mula sa mga mata ko.

I feel both sorry and happy.

Of course, he knew about my pregnancy. Hindi imposibleng alam niya dahil nandoon siya sa ospital. Kung alam ni Don Emmanuel, walang dudang alam din niya. And I feel sorry knowing that I robbed that opportunity away from him to experience my pregnancy with his child but made him experience pregnancy with another man's child. At mas lalo iyong nakakapanglumo sa pakiramdam.

I don't know how he feels.

But I feel extremely sorry about it.

Ngunit sa isang banda, kahit papa'no ay nakakagaan sa pakiramdam na malamang ang tono ng mga mensahe niya ay kailanman hindi nalalapatan nang panunumbat. In fact, he's excited to meet our son.

To meet Eisa.

Señorito ♡

I'm sorry I wasn't able to personally tell you about it. I was waiting for the right time until I totally missed the opportunity.

And I am sorry for not being there with you through your pregnancy.
I can't wait to see you two.

I was taken back to the moment I found out that I was pregnant. Sa loob ng envelope na naglalaman ng mga papeles ko ay nakalagay rin ang isang papel na naglalaman ng lab result ko tungkol sa pagbubuntis ko. I was about four weeks pregnant on the lab result, kung tama ang pagkakatanda ko. And before I left the country, I had an ultrasound. Only then I was convinced that I was indeed pregnant.

I looked at my phone once again. My heart smiled at the last message I received from Señorito sent a few hours ago.

Señorito ♡

Dad just boarded.
He'll be there soon.
Take care always, mahal ko.
Hindi na ako makapaghintay na makita ka ulit
Mahal kita, palagi.

"Kismet!"

Napabaling ako sa loob ng apartment nang may kumatok sa pintuan. Boses iyon ni Hannah. Tinago ko ang cellphone ko sa bulsa ng dress na suot ko.

Tulak-tulak ang bassinet na kinalalagyan ni Eisa ay pumasok ako sa loob. He was sleeping peacefully on a wheeled gray bassinet while he was tucked on his favorite blue blanket.

Pansamantala ko siyang iniwan sa sala para pagbuksan ng pintuan ang nasa labas. "Hannah, aga mo, ah?"

Ngumisi siya at nagkamot ng batok. "May lakad kasi ako mamaya."

Nginisihan ko siya. "May date ka na naman siguro." 

Mahina siyang natawa. "Parang gano'n na nga. Himala nga at nagka-time ang lalaking iyon. Malapit ko na talagang kalimutan na may asawa ako."

Ako naman ang natawa nang makita ang pag-irap niya. She's an unexpected friend I made here in Florida. Although kilala ko na siya noon pa man sa Pilipinas dahil kay Haven. Pero ngayon lang kami naging magkaibigan talaga.

She's the five year girlfriend of Haven that he told me he had broken up with. They apparently met coincidentally back in Vigan and reconciled and got married in the end. Then, nag-migrate na sila dito dahil nandito ang trabaho ni Haven.

May magic talaga ang Vigan.

Mabuti na lang talaga at nandito silang dalawa. Natulungan nila ako sa napakahirap na adjustments na pinagdaanan ko.

"Pasok ka." Nilawakan ko ang pinto. 

"Iyan ba deliveri mo today?" Tinuro niya ang boxes na nasa ibabaw ng dining table.

"Yes, yes. Iyong tatlo lang na malalaki. Iyong isa naman para sa inyo ni Haven," sagot ko.

May apat kasing box doon. Ang dalawa sa baba ay may lamang macaron habang ang isa naman sa pinakataas ay may lamang cake pops. Each box of macaron contains 24 pieces in chocolate ganache flavors. 36 pieces naman ang cake pops. They were ordered for the 7th birthday of Bria, a patron of ny macarons. Siya ang first customer ko at hanggang ngayon ay halos linggo-linggo pa ring nag-o-order sa akin.

Living in this foreign country was financially challenging. Although naroon ang maya't mayang paniniguro sa akin ni Don Emmanuel na wala akong dapat na ipag-alala, hinding-hindi mawawala sa akin ang hiya.

This pad amounts to more than two thousand dollars a month. Kaya kung iaasa ko sa kanila, ang kapal ko naman. Kahit opera at therapy ko siya na ang sumagot. Kaya gumawa ako ng paraan para hindi maging sobrang pabigat sa kanila.

After countless trials and errors of macaron-making, I was able to start a small business. Thanks to the help of my YouTube mentor, I was able to go beyond my limitations. Kahit papaano, unti-unting dumadami ang umo-order sa akin.

Hannah's the one who makes delivery for me. Nagkusa siya dahil wala naman siyang ibang ginagawa kundi ang maging mabuting asawa kay Haven na ayaw siyang pagtrababuhin. Bored kasi siya sa buhay niya kaya naghahanap ng gagawin.

"Where's Eisa?" she asked.

"Nasa sala, tulog," sagot ko.

"Ay pasilay sa aking baby-fever for today!" excited niyang sabi.

Hindi na niya ako sinagot at dumiretso na sa banyo para maghugas ng kamay. Hindi rin naman siya nagtagal at agad na ring lumabas.

Dali-dali niyang tinungo ang sofa at naupo katapat ang bassinet ni Eisa. "Oh, my baby! You're so pogi talaga!" mahina niyang tili upang hindi magising ang anak ko.

"He's a spitting image of his father," I bragged.

"Almost. But well, sa 'yo ang mata," aniya.

Napangiti ako dahil doon. I feel like I was praised just by having the same pair of eyes as my son.

"Do you think he'll recognize his Dad?" she asked while poking the side of my son's right cheek. "Baka mamaya si Haven na ang kilalanin niyang tatay dahil panay na nandito para mag-practice mag-alaga ng bata."

"Of course," kumpiyansang tugon ko. "I made it my mission for Eisa to know who his father is."

Gabi-gabi, tuwing pinapatulog ko siya, palagi akong nagkukwento ng tungkol sa ama niya habang nagpapakita ng litrato sa kaniya.

And my son, taking after his father, would listen to me carefully as if understanding each word that I am saying.

Señorito became our bed time story.

"Ninang ako, ha? Sabihan mo lang ako kung kailan, uuwi kami ni Haven," pangako niya.

Hindi ko pa kasi pinapabinyagan si Eisa. I wanted to have our family completely when it happens.

Nakangiting tumango ako. "Of course, Hannah. Para na rin kayong magulang ng anak ko. You've been with me in my entire parenthood journey."

Sila kasi ang naging kaagapay ko sa pag-aalala kay Eisa. Naging mahirap kasi sa akin ang pag-aalaga sa kaniya dahil sa naging operasyon ko.

"How does it feel, Tori?" She was wriggling her brows at me, hinting at her excitement.

"Hindi ko alam." Mahina akong natawa. "Dati, iwas na iwas ako sa bagay na 'to. Tapos ngayon naman para may kulang sa buhay ko kapag nawala na siya sa katawan ko."

Napangiti ako. Dinama ko ang lamig ng mga bakal na nakakabit sa binti at hita ko. I've been wearing them for over a year now. Na-attach na nga yata ako doon.

"How about now? Anong nararamdman mo na lagpas isang taon na siyang nakakabit sa 'yo?"

Nagkibit-balikat ako. "Ewan ko rin ba. Hanggang ngayon napapatanong pa rin ako kung totoo ba. I mean, parang joke time lang kasi."

"Baliw." Mahina niyang tinampal ang noo ko. "Paano magiging joke time kung linggo-linggo gumagawa tayo ng ebidensya na totoo talaga."

Napanguso ako. Pinaharap niya ang ulo ko sa pader sa gilid ng pintuan ng kwarto namin ni Eisa. May maraming guhit doon na ang indikasyon ay ang dumdagdag sa tangkad ko. May medida rin doon na nakadikit sa mismong pader.

It has been our weekly routine. And it has been going around for more than a year and a half already. And I find it amusing. Tama naman kasi siya, may ebidensya.

"Ready ka ba ba sa height reveal?"

Napangiwi ako. "Oo? Siguro?"

It has been a little over a year and a half since I had my leg lengthening surgery after postponing it for a while because of my pregnancy. I am now in the last weeks of my consolidation period where I already stopped making adjustments on the device attached to my whole leg. And in two weeks time, I'll finally remove them. And after that, I'll continue my PT sa Pilipinas na.

It was honestly... hard.

The whole process was quite overwhelming.

The distraction phase or the lengthening of the bones took a year and a half long, since it normally takes two weeks to grow a centimeter of height.

 I also had to attend three to five physical therapy sessions a week to keep my bones functional and to help the lengthening process with 1-2 hour sessions per day. A part of my thigh and shin bones were cut where fixators were placed in between. May external lengthening device na naka-attach doon na kailangang i-adjust araw-araw. 

On my thigh, there's a monolateral lengthening hardware while a 6-axis lengthening hardwares were placed  on my shin. Manipis na metal frame ang mga iyon na secured gamit ang pins. 

And it's undeniably uncomfortable to wear on a daily basis. Lalo na noong mga unang linggo. Hirap kasi akong makakilos. Bukod pa ro'n, hindi ko rin masuot ang mga masisikip kong damit dahil may nakaharang na sa paa ko. Kaya madalas na dress na lang para mabilis lang. It's big. And when hormones get the best of me, I feel ugly because of it.

Nilalabanan ko na lang talaga at kinukumbinsi ang sarili ko na mag-focus lang sa end goal ng buong proseso na iyon.

But the post surgery journey was harder at maximum level. I had to be wheelchaired for a while since I couldn't walk. Noong nakakapaglakad na ulit ako pagkatapos ng ilang linggo ay nagsaklay naman ako para hindi mabigla ang mga paa ko. Not to mention the pain. Hindi lang siya basta simpleng kirot. May mga time pa na parang binubuhusan ng alcohol ang bukas na sugat mo. Lalo na noong mga unang araw . Mabuti na lang talaga ay naidadaan sa pain reliever.

But what's more painful is the fact that... it prohibited me from doing things more comfortably with my son.

"That will surely leave a scar." Hannah looked at my legs. "I'll give you a scar removing cream to help your scar fade quickly," she offered.

Umiling ako sa kaniya. "I will politely refuse," nakangiting saad ko. 

"Bakit naman?" Pinagkunutan niya ako ng noo.

Nagkibit-balikat ako. "Isn't it pretty that way?" I looked at my legs. And before I could notice, I found myself smiling while looking at it.

"It will leave a scar. Mas better pa rin kung makinis," giit niya.

Umiling ako, tinatanggihan ang kaniyang suhestiyon. "It's pretty, like a battle scar I've acquired after beating all my enemies in life." I gave her a wide smile. "You know what's uglier?"

"What?"

Dinama ko ang lamig ng mga bakal sa hita ko. Noon, atat na atat akong matanggal iyon. May mga pagkakataon kasi na sobrang 'di na ako komportable. 

But now that years have passed unnoticeably, I find myself attached to it.

"The stories behind my dwarfism. Those are uglier in so many ways." I looked away. "You see, it took me a lot of courage just to be here. Buong buhay ko wala na akong ibang ginawa kundi ang sisihin ang sarili ko sa lahat ng bagay. I've been judged, called names, mistreated... and molested not just by one man.  My scars would just symbolize how I was able to conquer those nightmares. That I was able to choose life... and continue living despite the countless voices in my head to just jump off a random bridge I would see."

Wala namang mundong perpekto, kailangan mo lang mapunta sa mga tamang tao. Iyong mga taong maiintindihan ka. Iyong hindi ka huhusgahan. Iyong matatanggap ka kahit pa iba ka sa karamihan.

I learned it the hard way.

The harshest way perhaps.

But thanks to all of those nightmares, I am able to appreciate not just the people who cheered for me but also myself. I learned how to talk to my heart and know what it really wants.

Dahil din doon ay natutuhan kong pahalagahan ang sarili ko. Natutuhan kong buksan ang isipan ko sa mga bagay na mag pagpagaan ng buhay ko. Because I realized that there's nothing wrong with undergoing surgery if it will help you feel more confident and less insecure about yourself.

Most especially if it would heal your heart from all your pain.

Kahit na ano pa iyan. Kung sa paraan na iyon ay magkakaroon ng katahimikan ang mundo mo, hindi ka dapat na matakot. Lalo na kung sa paraan na iyon mababawasan ang panghuhusga ng mga tao, ang mga masasakit na salitang kanilang ibabato, at magkakaroon ng kapanatagan ang puso mo.

"Pero, ang reyalidad kasi, kahit na ano pang ayos ang gawin mo sa sarili mo, may masasabi at masasabi pa rin ang tao." Ngumiti ako sa kaniya at hinarap nang muli si Eisa. "But it's okay. Hindi ko naman kailangang ikulong ang sarili ko sa isang bagay na hindi naman mahalaga. Marami pa akong kailangang ayusin sa buhay ko. Kailangan ko pang bumawi sa anak ko."

Binalingan ko si Eisa na mahimbing pa rin na natutulog sa bassinet niya.

I always feel sorry for him.

He's only eight months old when I had the surgery. Dapat nga sana ay limang buwan pagkatapos kong manganak. Pero mas ginusto kong sulitin ang mga buwan na kasama siya at magagawa ko siyang maalagaan na para bang isa akong normal na ina. Ang bilis lang kaya ng newborn stage ng mga  baby. And I don't want to miss any of that for Eisa.

"How about going back to the Philippines? Ready ka na?"

Mabilis akong tumango dahil matagal nang buo ang kagustuhan sa puso ko na balikan ang mga naiwan ko. I gave her a genuine smile. "I'm better now, Hannah."

Mataman niya akong pinagmasdan. Hindi ako nag-iwas nang tingin. Nakangiting sinalubong ko lang ang mga mata niya upang iparating na okay na ako.

"Your smile looks real," she said dreamily.

She witnessed my lost state on my earlier days of stay here. Kaya hindi na nakakagulat ang kaniyang obserbasyon.

Mas lalo kong nilawakan ang ngiti ko. "Because they are, Hannah. Okay na ako ngayon. I won't say na limot ko na ang mga nangyari dahil imposibleng malimutan ang mga gano'ng bagay. But healing is a process that I don't want to rush. Even if it's already been almost four years since then. But one thing is certain... I'm better now. I'm happy."

In my years of staying here, I was able to learn that you have to acknowledge your own pain. Ilang beses ko nang tinanggi ang sarili kong nararamdaman. Madalas sinasabi ko na okay lang kahit na ang totoo ay hindi naman talaga.

I was deteriorating inside. Halos wala nang matira sa akin dahil sa mga sunod-sunod na nangyari sa buhay ko. I deprived myself the freedom to feel what I really feel. And when I finally allowed myself to feel what my heart has been feeling all along, doon gumaan ng tuluyan ang puso ko.

I found my own rhythm of letting my heart speak to me. Hindi ko minadali.

I had a lot of reasons why I chose to live. 

But the answer that I would never get tired of saying is because of Eisa.

Because he exists.

That's why I named him Elysian Salvatore which means blissful for his first name and savior for the second one.

Because that's what he is.

My blissful savior.

He saved me.

Dahil noong nalaman kong buntis ako pilit kong binura sa isip ko ang mga negatibong bagay. I forced myself not to think of self-harming myself and chose to live a life centered on my child.

Because I didn't want to lose a child again.

He's the one who made life worth living once again.

The one who brought joy into my heart that used to cry for sorrow.

The one who was my constant reminder of love I shared with Señorito.