Trauma

I kept my bent knees close to my body in a tight hug while I tried to sleep in that crunched newborn-like position. I promised myself to only think of the present in order for me to keep moving forward.  Malinaw sa akin na hindi makakatulong ang patuloy na mabuhay sa nakaraan. Pero paano ko gagawin 'yon kung sa bawat pagpikit ko ay siya namang paglitaw ng mga ala-alang dala ng nakaraan ko.

The tauma's coming back to haunt me in my sleep at night. Keeping me wide awake... drenched in sweat... and shivering in fear.

My nights have been long the past few days but I can do nothing but to be sleepless during those long hours of agony.

Like tonight. It's almost midnight. Pero hindi pa rin ako dinadapuan ng antok. Natatakot ako... na baka sa pagpikit ko ay muli ko na namang maalala ang nangyri noon.  I've been trying to sleep since nine but would only find myself wide awake out of the crawling fear in my veins feeling the horror of the demon's touch and the devil's whisper even though it happened ages ago.

I've been in a battle with myself for weeks now. I'm doing my best to act normally or to at least try not to make it obvious that I'm very much conflicted over something. Pero ang Señorito, ni minsin hindi nagtanong. He's been very understanding of my situation right now. He's been very understanding of my silence.

And my conscience is killing me good knowing that I've kept a lot of my truths under the rug for a while now. Pero wala akong magawa kundi ang tuluyang magpalanon doon. I can't even justify myself anymore. Sobrang gulo nang takbo ng utak ko ngayon.

I watched how my phone stopped from ringing for the nth time today. Wala akong lakas ng loob na sagutin ang tawag na iyon. Like how the past week has been for me, I let my mind succumb to the deep sea of questions that has been drowning me for quite some time now.

It was a call from Kristoff. Hindi ko na tanda kung pang-ilang tawag niya na ba iyon ngayong araw. He's been trying to reach me out since I couldn't remember when. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit at para saan pa. Pero alinman sa mga tawag niya ay hindi ko sinagot maski isa.

Nahinto ako pag-iisip nang marinig ang mahinang katok sa pinto ng kwarto ko. "Tori," the soft voice of Señorito called me. "I know you're awake. Can I come inside?"

I flinched at his voice. Mabilis ko ring kinurap ang aking mga mata para gisingin ang sarili ko mula sa kanina pang pagkakalunod sa sarili kong isipan.

I contemplated for quick seconds but I chose to be rational. "Of course, Señorito. Bukas 'yan," pagbibigay ko ng permiso.

Ang nakangiti niyang mukha ang bumungad sa akin nang tuluyan siyang pumasok sa kwarto ko. Tipid man at hindi kasing lawak ng kaniya, ginantihan ko ang ngiti niya.

 "Hey," he calls softly.

Nilagay niya ang dala niyang gatas sa bedside table ko. Pagkatapos ay dahan-dahan siyang umupo sa tabi ko. Without having much thought, I scooted over to my side to give him a wider space. Mukhang nakuha naman niya ang gusto kong iparating kaya tuluyan na siyang tumabi sa akin.

Señorito carefully placed my pillows on my back before encircling his arms over my shoulder, embracing me on the process. Sa ginawa niyang 'yon ay agad kong naramdaman ang kapayapan sa puso ko. Mas isiniksik ko ang sarili ko sa kaniya at tuluyan nang sumandal sa dibdib niya.

"Paano mo nalaman na gising pa ako?" pagbubukas ko nang usapan.

Naramdaman kong bahagya siyang natigilan dahil sa naging tanong ko. Hanggang sa naramdaman ko na lang ang banayad niyang pagsuklay sa buhok ko.

I wrapped my arm across his warm body. His heartbeat serves as the music played directly in my ears. Ang sarap pakinggan ng kapayapaan sa puso niya. Para ka niyang kinakalma. Para niyang binubura ang mga problemang bumabagabag sa akin. At tinatahan ng malumanay na tibok no'n ang bawat agam-agam ko tungkol sa sarili kong nararamdaman.

"Dalawang oras na akong nakatayo sa labas ng villa mo. Dalawang oras ko na ring hinihintay na mamatay ang ilaw ng kwarto mo pero mukhang wala ka pang balak na matulog. You're taking extra long to sleep tonight and it got me worried. Kaya inakyat na kita," kwento niya.

Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata ko. At bago ko pa mapigilan ang aking sarili ay nag-angat na ako nang tingin sa kaniya. I wasn't surprised to know how he was able to enter my villa. Hindi naman kasi ako nagla-lock ng fence at ng mismong pinto. Mataas naman ang security system ng mga Ramiscal kaya tiwala akong hindi ako mapapahamak.

What surprised me is the fact that he's been watching me through the light of my room from my window.

"Anong ibig mong sabihin? You've been keeping an eye on my villa?" gulat kong tanong.

With a gentle smile on his, Señorito looked at me. Mrahan niya ring hinagod ng haplos ang likod ko pagkatapos ay magaan akong kinantilan ng halik sa aking noo. "It's a habit I can live a lifetime with."

"A habit since when, Señorito?" Hindi ko nagawang itago ang gulat sa boses ko.

He gave me another peck, on top of my head this time. "Since the day you turned 18." Señorito captured my hand, gave it a light kiss on the back, and placed it on top of his chest. 

Feeling his heartbeat on my palm was like holding the whole world. It feels overwhelmingly good to hold.

Ni sa hinagap ay hindi ko inasahang maririnig ko ang naging sagot niya. I mean, I have always thought that he was disinterested in me. Inakala ko pa nga na ayaw niya sa akin. Kaya ang marinig ito mula sa kaniya ay hindi ko inaasahan.

"Now tell me, Tori. May problema ba?" maingat niyang tanong. 

Ang kaninang banayad ng usapan sa pagitan naming dalawa ay nauwi sa katahimikan dahil sa tanong niya. Sinubukan kong halughugin ang isip ko para sa tamang mga salitang isasagot ko sa kaniya, ngunit para lang akong nakatingin sa isang blangkong papel. I can't seem to find the right words when what I'm about to say will probably lead to another pain.

Not for me.

But for Señorito.

Muli na naman akong inusig ng konsensya ko. A part of me wants to tell him everything that has happened lately. Pero natatakot akong masaktan siya.

Sa huli, sa kawalan nang sasabihin, hindi ko nagawang makaimik. I just tightened my embrace to him. Hoping that through it, he'll feel how my heart feels.

"You've been spacing out a lot lately, Tori.  Alam kong may problema. Would you be comfortable sharing it with me?" maingat niyang tanong sa pangalawang pagkakataon.

Parang may bumara sa lalamunan ko sa naging timbre ng boses niya. Bakas ang kaseryosohan doon ngunit mahihimigan din nang tampo. I've been anticipating this moment. Alam ko kasi na one of these days ay magtatanong siya. Hindi para sa kaniya kundi para sa akin. Because that's what he does best ever since, to make sure that I am fine. And that no one's hurting me.

So how on earth can I afford to hurt him when all he does is make sure I am fine?

He knew who Kristoff was to me. Although he knew not even half of the story, Señorito witnessed my pain and he dried my tears away in my ex's stead. So, why the hell on earth did I allow myself to get this affected by the mere presence of a guy who never treated me right? How did I afford to cause trouble in his mind knowing how much he cares for me?

"Okay lang naman sa akin kung hindi mo gusto o kung hindi mo pa kayang sabihin. Maghihintay ako hanggang sa handa ka na." Señorito gently rubbed my arm with his warm hand. "I just want to make sure you're fine."

Pinilit kong hinanap ang boses ko. At pinilit ko ang sarili ko na humanap ng tamang salita na isasagot kay Señorito. But no matter how loud the echoes of the voices were in my head, my lips remained closed and unmoving... not knowing what the right words to say to him.

"You've been like this since we met Kristoff. And it scares me each second of the day thinking that you might be leaning towards him... again." Señorito blew a harsh breath. 

Naramdaman ko ang pag-alon ng dibdib niya. At malinaw rin ang bawat pagrehistro ng lumalakas na tibok ng puso niya sa tainga ko. I can almost feel every beat of it on my palm and cheeks. 

And every beat feels like it's telling a story. One that he can't seem to share verbally. 

Listening to his heart is like reading a synopsis of a book freshly bought from a bookstore. It tells you a lot about what the story is all about, but there's still so much you need to know behind each line. Like his heart. I know how it beats for love, but deep inside I also know that pieces of it are slowly tearing apart.  

"Just please tell me, Tori... Naguguluhan ka ba?" tanong niya na sumakal sa leeg ko.

Funny how Señorito used words that should sound harsh and blaming on my end. But the way he said those words was so gentle as if he was more scared of hurting my already wounded heart than his own which I know has been taking the same amount of damage as mine. But nothing compares to how he must be feeling.

Mas humigpit ang pagkakayakap niya sa akin dahilan para mamuo ang luha sa mga mata ko. Sa kawalan ng lakas na punasan 'yon ay hinyaan kong guhitan ng mga luha ko ang pisngi ko.

I embraced its warmth. I allowed myself to feel the weight they carry.

"Kailangan ko lang malaman kung ako pa rin ba, Tori. Kung okay pa ba tayo. Kung may dapat ba akong ipag-alala. Because honestly? I'm fucking scared right now."

Hindi ko na nagawang pigilan ang sunod-sunod na pagtulo ng mainit na luha sa magkabilang pisngi ko. My ears tickles at the sincerity if his words as it just shows how much he cares and cherishes our relationship. But the weight they carry are like the sharpest knife ever made, piercing my heart and making it bleed in pain.

Ito pa lang ang unang pagkakataon na nagtanong siya. Ito pa lang ang unang beses na ipinaalam niya ang nararamdaman niya. All this time he was very patient and understanding with my silence. Kaya sobrang nakakadurog na marinig ang nararamdaman niya sa unang pagkakataon.

"Señorito..." was the only word I was able to say.

Marahang umupo si Señorito. Nag-indian seat siya pagkatapos ay inalalayan akong umupo. He cupped my face and flashed me a weak smile. "Iintindihin ko lahat. H'wag ka lang mawala sa tabi ko. Because it's you above anything else in my life."

I choked up even more. Mas lalong hindi ko siya nakita dahil sa panlalabo ng paningin ko. Sa rami ng mga bagay na lumulunod sa isip ko, hindi ko na alam kung saan dapat na simulan ang magpakatotoo sa harap niya.  All this time, I was only recognizing my own pain. My own heartaches. For the past days and weeks I was too drowded with my own emotions that I fail to recognize Tobias who always holds my hand dearly.

I was too focused on my past, on Kristoff's appearance, on our tortuous memories, and on my own feelings that I temporarily forgot that I have him. Mula pagkagising hanggang sa pagtulog at panaginip, si Kristoff ang naging laman ng isip ko sa loob ng ilang linggo. Kaya ang harapin at sabihin sa kaniya ang mga bumabagabag sa akin ay sobrang nakakaloko.

And to still be able to hear such words from him breaks me even more. Dahil sa kabila ng mga pagkukulang ko... handa pa rin siyang mahalin ako.

"S-Señorito..." I stuttered.

He didn't say a word. Mataman lang siyang nakatingin sa mga mata ko habang marahang tinutuyo ang mga luha ko... sa hindi na mabilang na pagkakataon.

"I was pregnant with his child." I gulped hard to ease the building lump on ny throat. I gulped hard enough to feel myself almost chocking at my own emotions.

"I know, honey. I was there with you. We experienced your pregnancy together. We did it together. I did it with you... for you," he reminded me.

I nodded my head while my tears continues to stream off my face. I tried to delay informing them about my pregnancy as later as I could. And I succeeded. Nasa huling buwan ng second trimester na nang malaman nila ang tungkol sa pagbubuntis ko sa anak namin ni Kristoff. Kung hindi pa ako naging hirap pang lalo sa pagkalakad ay hindi nila malalaman ang tungkol sa kalagayan ko.

They came as my rescue when the man whom I thought would hold my hand at the darkest point of my life didn't run after me to fix things for us. Pero hindi ko kailanman sinabi sa kanila ang ginawa ni Kristoff sa akin. Dahil alam ko ang galit na isusukli nila para sa lalaking iyon.

Even until the end, even when things no longer moved in my favor, even when the whole situation between Kristoff and I already soured, and even when he directly rubbed it in my face how I was just a fruit of his curiosity, I still chose to protect him. Dahil kilala ko si Tobias at Don Emmanuel. Hindi sila papayag na ipagsawalang-bahala ang nangyari.

And during that time, I didn't want any harm on Kistoff. Kahit sobrang naubos ang dignidad ko sa ginawa niya sa akin.

"T-Tinanong mo ako kung hindi ko ba sasabihin sa kaniya." Nakita kong tumango siya sa sinabi ko. "Sinabi ko. Ipinaalam ko ang pagbubuntis ko."

Naging malalim ang sunod kong paghugot ng hininga. Kapares no'n ay ang muling pagbalong ng luha sa aking mga mata.

Hindi ko inakalang magiging ganito kahirap ang ikuwento sa kaniya ang bahaging iyon ng nakaraan ko. I feel like I'm being stripped naked in the middle of a busy road where multiple pairs of eyes feasted on my nakedness.

Nakakapangliit.

"But that day... he... h-he..."

A painful cry escaped my mouth. And not even the warmth of my own tears were enough to give me comfort and to pacify the fear in my heart.

I tried seeking for the light in his eyes but all that I could see was a blurry image of him hidden behind the cloud of tears in mine.

"He did what, Tori?" he asked in a careful manner.

My body jerked in an instant when he tried to reach for my arm. His hug was my biggest source of comfort just a while ago. But it now feels like every feather touch from him was a rope choking me to death.

"Tori... w-what did he do?" his voice trembles.

Nagsimula nang manikip ang dibdib ko dahilan para nawalan ako ng kakayahang huminga ng maayos.

"H-He molested m-me, Señorito..."

I felt my heart shattering into millions of pieces as I let those words out of pandora's box. Images of what happened that day flashed in my mind like a demon taunting and smirking at my misery. Funny how after all the years of trying to live by, to forget those memories, in just a snap of a finger... I found myself in a deeper state of agony. Kakatwang kung gaano kahirap kong binuo ang sarili ko, ay walang kasing hirap iyong sirain ng isang tao.

To live and relive the trauma you tried hard to forget is hard... and more cruel than the first time. Because you'll never get to live a single day the same way. Dahil walang gamot para makalimot. Walang exact formula para burahin ang masalimuot na memoryang iyon sa isip mo. Not even a happy memory could be a bandaid to cover your wounded soul.

Because at the end of the day, when you're all by yourself, when darkness embraces your surroundings, and when silence starts to resonate loudly, those memories start to live vividly again.

"In a p-public place," my voice cracked. "H-He touched me... toyed me. Even though I begged him to stop, he continued to make sexual advances. He... he..."

Hindi ko na nagawang ituloy ang sasabihin ko nang kabigin niya ako para sa isang mahigpit na yakap. "Oh, God, Tori"

Pero hindi ko siya nagawang sagutin. My body started to shake as our bodies made direct connections. Pilit ba kinumbinsi ang sarili ko ba si Señorito ang kaharap ko upang huwag pangunahan ng takot.

Hinigpitan niya ang pagkakayakap niya sa akin "I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm sorry, Tori."

I cried in his arms.

Sa hindi ko na mabilang na pagkakataon, siya na naman ang aking naging sandalan.