Question

Grabeng pagtitimpi ang ginawa ko para pigilan ang sarili ko na huwag magbukas ng email at ng Viber para mag-check ng emails at missed messages na natanggap ko para kay Don Emmanuel at Tobias. For sure, sermon na naman ang aabutin ko mula sa kanilang dalawa kapag nakita nila akong nagtatrabaho na.

The sweet and delightful vacation of Vigan ended with us carrying a bunch of memories we'll treasure for life. Pauwi na kami sakay ang van na minamaneho ni Kuya Seth. His twin was sitting on the passenger's side. Solo ni Don Emmanuel ang gitna habang magkatabi kaming dalawa sa likuran.

The long hour ride home felt like minutes as I spent most of it just admiring the ring ang daydreaming. Kaya hindi ko na namalayan na nakarating ka pala kami sa Casa.

"We're home, everyone," Don Emmanuel announced.

Napangiti ako dahil pakiramdam ko ay hindi lang literal ang naging ibig sabihin ng mga salita niya.

Home.

"Back to reality," mahina kong bulong.

"Back to our new reality, Tori. That's more like it," Señorito Tobias corrected.

I tried my best not to smile but I couldn't help but to grin at his words. Never have I imagined hearing such cringe words from the serious Tobias I am more familiar with.

Hindi ako sanay sa suwabeng pagdulas ng mga ganitong uri ng salita mula sa kaniya. Maging ang tatas niya sa pagtatagalog nitong mga nakaraan ay nakakapanibago rin at hindi ko alam kung kailan ako masasanay o kung masasanay ba ako sa hinaharap.

Pinangunahan niya ang paglabas ng sasakyan. Kasunod no'n ay naroon na naman ang kamay niyang nakalahad at nakaabang bilang pag-alalay sa aking pagbaba. At tulad ng mga nakalipas na pagkakataong nagtatagpo ang kamay naming dalawa ay hindi na naman niya iyon binitawan hanggang sa marating namin ang tapat ng casa.

"Dear!"

My steps halted at that thin and irritating voice. Agad na nalukot ang mukha ko nang masinghot ang matamis niyang vanilla scent na pabango.

"Dom," Señorito said. Maagap siyang nakaatras nang tangkang lalapit na ang babae sa kaniya para maglambitin marahil sa leeg niya.

I immediately tasted bitterness spread out through my system as a familiar emotion lingers in me. The kind of emotion only Dominique could trigger, an emotion that makes all my insecurities relive again.

"My God! Stop with that name! So not bagay with my beautiful face!" Dom rolled her eyes in the air as her face flashed annoyance and disgust with her own name. "Monique, alright? Monique," she corrected.

Ako naman ngayon ang napairap. Dapat doon siya sa magulang niya nagrereklamo, tutal sila naman ang nagpangalan sa kaniya. 'Di hamak na mas malapit naman ang Dom bilang palayaw niya kaysa sa Monique na may pinagbaliktad pang letra maipilit lang.

"Dominique," Don Emmanuel butted in. "What brought you here unannounced?"

Nakagat ko ang pang-ibaba kong labi upang pigilan ang pagsupil ng aking ngisi. Alam kong wala namang masama o nakakatawa sa sinabi ni Don Emmanuel ngunit ang reaksyong inani no'n mula kay Dom ay para bang pahiwatig na nasaktan ang babae sa narinig.

This is bad, I'm turning into a different person.

Selos ba 'to?

"Don't you like me here, Uncle? My Dad would be so sad to hear that," she asked using a sad voice.

Iyon bang klase ng boses na pinahina at pinatinis na para bang batang nagtatampo dahil hindi napagbigyan nabilhan ng candy.

"I had beef with your Dad the last time I shared one table with him." Don Emmanuel shook his head disappointedly.

"You know naman my Dad, Uncle. He just wanted what's best for me," she reasoned.

I witnessed how Don Emmanuel's face hardened at her words. Gone are his welcoming smiles, fatherly stares, and sweet gestures he does to most people around him. Kahit na pilit niyang itago, kitang-kita at bakas na bakas ang iritasyon sa kaniyang mukha. Kung babasahing maigi, tila ba ang nais ipahiwatig ng kaniyang tingin ay ang kagustuhan na tapusin ang usapan nila ni Dominique.

Pero bakit?

This isn't the first time I saw Don Emmanuel like this, but it surprises me knowing that Dom's father and Don Emmanuel have a fair share of years being friends with each other.

"Okay lang ba ang Don?" mahinang bulong ko kay Señorito.

"He's pissed," Tobias answered.

I was about to ask Tobias when Don Emmanuel spoke. The moment that he let words escape his mouth, that's when I realized what he was displeased about.

"What's best for you shouldn't compromise the happiness of my son, Dominique," he said.

It felt like the dark and heavy clouds moved, clearing the sky for a brighter view. Everything started making sense with those simple yet clear words.

"She wants you," I concluded silently.

But saying those words in a hush voice was of no use as Señorito was still able to hear them. mas humigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa kamay ko, ipinararamdam ang presensya niya upang kalmahin ang namumuong kaguluhan sa isip ko.

Noon pa man, aware na ako tungkol sa bagay na iyon. Dominique liking Tobias was like an announcement posted on a bulletin board. Even her confession was like a solo track on my Spotify played on repeat, always reminding me of the day she told me to back off and to stay away from Señorito since she likes him... a lot.

"I'm into you, Tori. That's all that matters. She doesn't, not anyone else," Señorito promised, erasing all my doubts and insecurities in an instant.

"Still, both of you would have created a perfect couple," I insisted.

"I don't want perfection if it's with her. I want a content life, Tori, and I could only have that with you," he answered back. Sa paraan nang pagsasalita niya, para bang wala ng lugar ang mga sasabihin ko pa.

Bigla, inusig ako ng aking konsensya. Here I am thinking of moving out of Casa Ramiscal to build myself outside of my comfort zone, while Señorito, on the other hand, finds contentment with me.

Within myself I know I wanted one thing... to have stability.

The kind of stability of not being afraid for my future.

The kind of stability that gives me comfort and peace.

The stability that offers me assurance against all my doubts and insecurities.

"I'd appreciate it if you'll leave, Dominique," Don Emmanuel pleaded.

I was pulled back right on track. Mui akong napa-angat ng tingin sa kanila.

"I'll leave, Uncle, but only if Zachary would escort me to my hotel," she bargained.

Awtomatikong nagsalubong ang dalawang kilay ko kasabay nang paglakas ng kabog ng puso ko. For some reason, I began to feel uncomfortable with the idea of Tobias being in a contained space with Dominique.

Sumisigaw ng pagtutol ang isip ko ngunit nanatiling tikom ang bibig ko. Wala naman akong lugar para tumutol dahil desisyon naman nila iyan. Hindi naman ako puwedeng mag-inarte dahil lang hindi ako palagay.

Pero bakit kasi may gano'n pa siyang kondisyon?!

"Why would I?" Tobias asked, bewildered.

"Why would you not?" Dominique inched a step forward, wearing a flirtatious smile as if seducing Tobias. "You owe me, Zachary. Remember?" She grinned.

Ano ang ibig niyang sabihin?

Dumapo ang paningin ko kay Tobias kasabay nang paglukob ng kuryosidad sa akin. In that instant, my mind got filled with questions I knew only he could answer. Pero ang isaboses ang mga tanong na iyon ay hindi ko kayang gawin.

In the end, all I did was share my silence with them as I waited for Tobias to give Dominique an answer.

"Dominique," Señorito warned.

The former flashed him a smug grin. "Yes, my dear?"

I heard Tobias sighed. Seconds later I felt him lowering his body to level mine. "I'll be back, Tori. Wait for me."

With my lips still intact, I nodded my head as a response. The ember of curiosity turned into a wildfire as I got no answer to the growing questions in my head.

Muli siyang bumuntonghininga kasabay nang pagtayo niya. Ang tanging nagawa ko na lamang ay ang yumuko at pasimpleng bumitaw sa kaniya.

***

The sunset breeze felt colder than usual. The silence was loud, way too loud that it's making my mind work overtime.

Kung ano-anong bagay ang pumapasok sa isip ko, iba't ibang scenario at imahe ang kanina pang namamahay roon. Not even the comfort of Casa Ramiscal could pacify my mind right now.

At ang mas nakaka-frustrate pa ro'n, ilang oras na akong ganito pero wala pa ring nagbabago. Siguro dahil insecure talaga akong tao kaya hindi ko magawang alisin iyong mga pagdududa sa isip ko. Because I always feel like they'll soon realize that I wasn't worth the fight at all.

Kaya kahit anong salita pa ang marinig ko ay buhay pa rin iyong insecurities ko. Having dwarfism caused me so much pain already which rooted from my family myself.

"Hey," a soft voice called in a whispering voice.

Nilingon ko ang boses na iyon at natagpuan ang pigura ni Kuya Rhett na papasok ng patio. "Kuya," nakangiti kong bati sa kaniya.

Sigurado akong si Kuya Rhett iyon dahil may suot siyang salamin. Parehong malabo ang mga mata nilang kambal pero magkaiba ng preference. Contact lense ang kay Seth habang salamin naman nag kaniya.

"Anong ginagawa mo rito? Pagabi na," tanong niya matapos sumandal sa hamba ng entrada.

"Pumapatay ng oras, Kuya, maaga pa naman," sagot ko.

"Oras ba talaga ang pinapatay mo o tao na ang nasa isip mo?" biro niya.

"Grabe ka naman. Wala pa naman ako sa point na may murderous thoughts na," nakangiwing tanggi ko sa kaniya.

Although I do feel uncomfortable with the thought of Tobias and Dominique being together, wala pa naman sa point na gusto ko nang manghila ng buhok. I know and I am confident that Tobias doesn't like her, but knowing how bratty and needy Dominique could get makes me lose my nerves.

Muli kong ibinalik ang tingin sa papataas na daan ng Casa na maghahatid sa mga kasama sa bahay sa tinutuluyan nila. Sa tagal ko na ring pananatili rito ay namamangha pa rin ako ng paulit-ulit. The massiveness of their land, Casa Ramiscal, was the reflection of their worth. Bukod pa sa mismong Casa ay may farm din sila, bahay-bakasyunan, at iba pa.

Maliban kasi sa mga alahas na pinakanegosyo nila, shareholder at investor din sila ng iba pang negosyo ng malalapit na kaibigan. Idagdag pa na may sarili rin silang hotel and restaurant at resort. Kaya hindi nakakaduda ang yaman ng mga Ramiscal. Kaya hindi ko rin maiwasan minsan ang magdalawang-isip kung tama bang nagugustuhan ko si Señorito.

"Talaga ba?"

Kahit hindi ko siya nakikita ay alam kong nakangisi siya, nang-aasar na naman.

"Alam mo, hindi match iyong humor natin kahit kailan." Inilingan ko siya.

"Want some update?" he asked, more like challenging me.

"Ayaw ko nga. I don't even want to listen," mariin kong tanggi.

Malakas akong napabuntonghininga. I feel short of breath just thinking of what Kuya Rhett has to say. Alam ko namang walang masamang ginawa, ginagawa, at gagawin si Señorito kaya ayaw kong magtanong.

He already did more than enough to make me feel less insecure about myself and my handicaps. What more could I ask?

Nasa akin na ang problema.

"Anyway, I'm not here for that. I'm here for the favor you asked for." Rhett walked to the nearest seat, the single couch in front of the long sofa I was sitting at, and settled there.

Nasa pagitan namin ang isang babasahin at mababang coffee table kung saan may nakapatong na libro. For sure kay Señorito iyon.

"Anong balita?" may halong excitement na tanong ko. Umayos pa ako ng upo paharap sa kaniya habang ang ngiti ay hindi na napigilan pang umalpas sa aking mga labi.

"May nahanap na ako. Malapit sa University na gusto mong pasukan. Walking distance lang din kaya hindi ka na mahihirapan," imporma niya.

Mas lumawak ang ngiti ko. Pansamantala, nakalimutan kong iniisip ko nga pala si Señorito. Ang balitang hatid niya sa akin ay para bang isang regalong buong taon kong hinintay. Walang pagsidlan ng galak ang puso ko.

Just like from the animated movie, Trolls, the black & white hue of my mood gradually turned into a colorful rainbow. "Oh my God..." I whispered in awe.

"Nakapag-down na rin ako gamit iyong perang binigay mo sa akin. Your papers for your new university are almost done. Ikaw na lang ang hinihintay," dagdag niya. "But I suggest you pick up your courage again to say goodbye properly. Huwag mong bastang iwanan."

Sa kabila ng hindi niya pagbanggit sa taong tinutukoy niya, walang hirap ko iyong nakilala. Ngiti lang ang aking naging sagot sa kaniya. I already practiced the words I would say to him. May ilang buwan pa naman ako para humanap ng tamang tiyempo.

"Ang sama ko bang tao, Kuys? Kasi sa rami ng naitulong nila sa akin ay aalis pa rin ako sa huli?" tanong ko kasunod ang isang malalim na buntonghininga.

Hindi niya ako nagawang sagutin agad. And I understand that.

Dumaan pa ang mahabang katahimikan sa pagitan namin bago niya ako sinagot sa paraan nang pagtatanong, "Hindi rin naman libre ang pagtira mo rito, 'di ba? You're working for both of them, right?"

"Pero kahit na. The kind of work I do for them is not enough to repay their kindness," rason ko.

"But the work you do for Señorito and Don Emmanuel gave them ease of work load. Ilang taon na rin naman simula noong naging sekretarya ka nila. You've earned your pay, alright?"

Wala akong naisagot sa kaniya. I wanted to keep going on with an argument with him but I feel like he makes more sense than I do. Hindi ko lang talaga magawang kumbinsihin ang sarili ko. Buong buhay kong tatanawing utang na loob ang tulong na naibigay nila sa akin.

And sometimes, it makes me wonder, baka charity work lang ako para kay Señorito.

"Nothing would be enough if you're always questioning things why it happened. Don't you think it's about time to give yourself some credit for the hard work you did?" he remarked questioningly.

Still, wala pa rin akong imik. With his words, I ended up reflecting on the moments that had gone by in my life.

Walang araw na hindi ko pinagdudahan ang sarili ko. Walang oras na hindi ko kinuwestiyon ang mga mabubuting bagay na nangyayari dahil pakiramdam ko ay hindi ko deserve iyon.

"Kung kailangan mo ng oras para mag-isip, take your time. Pero kung gagawin mo man iyan, sa tamang paraan, okay?" Tumayo siya at namulsa tsaka lumapit sa akin para guluhin ang buhok ko. "I support you."

Nahawa ako sa ngiti niya dahil sa ganda no'n. He really feels like a brother in the form of a friend. I always enjoy conversing with him dahil naiintindihan niya ang mga gusto kong mangyari at sinusuportahan ako kahit na kontra talaga siya.

Kaya tuwing nasa ganitong sitwasyon ako na kailangan kong gumawa ng mga bagay at desisyon sa buhay ko, siya agad ang nilalapitan ko.

But the next question he threw at me caught me completely off-guard. Kung kanina ay wala na akong imik, mas lalo pa akong hindi nakapagsalita ngayon. Paulit-ulit na umaalingaw ngaw sa isip ko ang tanong niyang hindi ko mabigyan ng sagot.

"Babalik ka pa naman, 'di ba?"

Even if I wanted to utter even just a mere sound, all that I could do was to fake a smile.