Affirmation

"Seryoso?" natatawa kong tanong habang pinagmamasdan ng tingin ang isang lata ng beer na nilapag niya sa harapan namin. Kapares no'n ay dalawang malinaw na baso na may kataasan ang tangkad at may lamang yelo.

He gave me a shrug. "You don't want to?"

Umiling ako at kinuha ang beer na nilagay niya sa tapat ko. Binuksan ko iyon at sinalinan sa magkapantay na rami ang dalawang baso.

I rarely drink, same with Señorito. Mga piling okasyon lang ang nagbibigay ng pagkakataon para masayaran ng alak ang mga lalamunan naming dalawa. Pareho kaksing mababa ang alcohol tolerance namin kaya as much as possible ay hindi kami umiinom talaga.

Tonight, though, calls for a drink. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang dahilan kung bakit. I just want to momentarily be lost in the moment. And having the spirit of alcohol in my system would make it possible for me.

I wish to wash away the embarrassment I am feeling and still be able to sit with Señorito. The night's still long after all.

"How was your first day here, Tori?" he asked me. He sat beside me and left an ample space between us.

I sighed in contentment. Muli kong binusog ang mga mata ko ng tanawin ng Vigan. Our room has an overlooking view of the night scapes of my dream place. And beside me was the man I've been in love with for a long time.

What more can I ask?

"I... I don't know, actually," I answered truthfully. "Hindi ko maisalarawan iyong pakiramdam. I'm overwhelmed as a matter of fact. Basta alam ko lang, whatever I am feeling is beyond happiness. Parang sasabog na sa tuwa ang puso ko."

A soft chuckle escaped Tobias lips. "I'm glad I took you here," he said with a hint of smile on his voice. Naramdaman ko rin ang pag-iwan niya ng isang halik sa tuktok ng ulo ko bago isinampay ang braso sa aking balikat. "I was unsure how to celebrate this day, actually. But bringing the whole family feels like a reward."

"You've been working like a cow these past few years, Tobias. You never really had a break, not even once," I pointed out. "Of all people, you deserve a break."

"I'm fine. As long as all of you will be happy during this week-long trip," he promised.

The corners of my lips shot up to form a smile. "The distant memory I have with the first time I saw you would be surprised to hear your words, Señorito," I said while subtly shaking my head.

"Why is that?" he asked.

Nagkibit-balikat ako matapos ay sumimsim ng alak. "Nakakatakot ka kasi," pag-amin ko.

"Ako? Nakakatakot? Bakit? Paano?" walang ideya niyang tanong sa akin.

"Palagi ka kasing seryoso," sagot ko. "Parang palaging kang hulog sa malalim na pag-iisip. Iyon bang ang daming bumabaganag sa iyo. To the point na mahirap at nakakatakot kang kausapin."

A moment of silence passed us. Kapuwa lang kaming nakatingin sa tanawin habang niyayakap ng malamig na hangin. But thanks to his warm hugs, I wasn't cold tonight.

Wala akong ibang maramdaman kundi kakuntentuhan habang nakapaloob sa mga bisig niya. Mas naisiksik ko ang aking sarili sa kaniya dahil sa paghampas ng malamig na hangin. I was only wearing a thin shirt and leggings which doesn't help much in protecting my body from the cold.

Humigpit ang pagkakayakap niya sa akin at paminsan-minsan ay binibigyan ako ng init ng palad niya sa braso ko tuwing hinahaplos niya iyon.

I felt safe... secured. I feel like I am at the safest place in the world where no one would be able to scar me. With him beside me, and being wrapped around his warm embrace, I felt home.

I felt the security I never felt before.

"Were you scared of me, too?" he hesitated, maybe afraid of what I was about to say.

Ibinalik ko ang sarili ko sa mga unang araw at linggo ko sa Casa Ramiscal. Muling binuhay ko sa aking alaala ang tunay kong naramdaman nang makita ko siya.

"I was," I admitted, reminded of the early days I spent with him. "Hindi ko alam kung paano ka ia-approach noong mga panahon na iyon. Even if I wanted to, it wasn't easy. There were times na gusto kitang lapitan at kausapin, lalo na sa tuwing mag-isa ka. Kaso hindi ko alam kung paano magsisimula. You were unapproachable, Señorito. Palagi kasing nakakunot ang noo mo. O di kaya naman ay may kaharap na libro."

A small smile crept on my lips upon recollecting those memories. Noong una talaga, hirap akong kausapin siya. It was like taking a step closer only to take two steps backward. I find him distant. Iyon bang may pader na nakaharang sa pagitan niya at ng ibang tao na para bang nakakulong siya sa sarili niyang mundo.

Maraming pagkakataong sinubuan ko ngunit palagi akong bigo. I would often hide behind the walls to see what he's up to as I was curious about how his day went by. Iyon lang kasi ang paraang mayroon ako para makita siya ng hindi naiilang o kung ano pa. Hanggang sa naglakas-loob na ako sa wakas, at iyon na yata ang pinakamagandang desisyon na ginawa ko sa buhay.

Totoo iyong sabi nila. It's always the first step that's hard to take. Dahil matapos ang unang pag-uusap namin ay unti-unti na kaming naging malapit.

To the point of me... loving him secretly.

"Ikaw iyong may pinakamalapit na edad sa akin sa buong Casa Ramiscal. Kaya ginusto kong mapalapit sa iyo kaso hindi ko alam kung sa paanong paraan. I wanted to approach you so badly, to talk about my day with you and ask how yours went. I wanted to be friends with you. Kaso mas gusto mo ang mag-isa," pagpapatuloy ko. "Then I entered junior high. Nakita ko iyon as an opportunity to approach you. Nagpaturo ako ng lessons ko sa 'yo. Akala ko nga iignorahin mo lang ako, but you gladly helped me without any complain."

I smiled at that memory. Ilang beses din akong atras-abante sa tapat ng kuwarto niya bago ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na kumatok. He was already a first year college student at that time, at siya lang naman talaga ang malalapitan ko.

"You have no idea, Tori," he uttered. I felt him shaking his head before kissing the top of my head once again. "I have always wanted to approach you first. But all that I could do was to stay meters away and hide behind the wall to watch you."

Hindi ko maiwasang matawa ng bahagya sa pagkakapareho ng kuwento naming dalawa. In my point of view I was watching him from afar. While in his memories he was watching me with the same distance.

"There were multiple times where I tried to approach you. Pero bago ko pa man magawa na sambitin ang pangalan mo, pinangungunahan na ako ng matinding kaba. Kahit sarili kong boses hindi ko magawang hanapin. It was as if I've run a hundred miles before I could reach you, making me breathless. Iyon bang kahit sa sarili kong pandinig ay rinig na rinig ko pa rin ang lakas ng pintig ng puso ko, to the point of hearing nothing else but it. Gano'n iyong klase ng kabang nararamdaman ko tuwing nanaisin kong lapitan ka," kuwento niya.

Pasimple kong inangat ang isa kong kamay upang damhin ang tibok ng puso ko. Kasabay nang pagsasalarawan niya sa kaniyang nararamdaman ay siya namang unti-unting pagbilis ng tibok ng puso ko, tulad ng kung paano niya isinalarawan ang kaniya.

It's fascinating that, at different times in the universe, our heart beats the same way.

"Then you initiated a conversation. God... you have no idea how everything went crazy between my heart and mind," he continued, his voice reflected relief and truth.

Hindi na kailangan pa ng salita. Sapat na ang malalim na buntonghininga, na para bang ang mabigat na bagay na nakadagan sa dibdib niya ay parang bulang nawala, para maiparating iyong kaginhawaang naramdaman niya ay sapat na.

It wasn't just me.

That exact moment what we felt was a reflection of each other's heartbeat.

Iyong tipong ang sarap humiyaw ng malakas na "Sa wakas!" dahil nakapag-usap na rin kaming dalawa. After all those tries and give ups, we did it in the end. Finally. Iyong hindi na sa wakas nanaig iyong takot at kagustuhan na tumakbo at magtago.

"Eh, bakit parang napipilitan ka lang namang makipag-usap sa akin noon?" pagsasaboses ko ng tanong na dati pang naninirahan sa isip ko.

"No, it's not like that." He tapped my head lightly as if reassuring me. "Hindi ko lang alam kung paano ka kakausapin. It wasn't a secret to me how my parents, specifically my Mom, found you."

"Why? Because I looked dirty? Because I used to live on the streets and go through different trash cans just to feed my hunger?" I asked continuously.

"Of course not! God, don't think like that!" he denied aggressively. Señorito made my head rest on his chest as he embraced me tighter. "It was never like that, Torianna."

I was pitiful.

That's a fact.

Kahit sinong makakita sa akin ay iyon din ang iisipin. Nakakaawa ano. Ikaw ba naman ang magpalaboy sa lansangan ng ilang taon at mangalakal at magbasura para makaraos. Gusgusin akong tao noon bago ako nabigyan ng panibagong pagkatao dahil sa pamilya ni Señorito.

Hanggang ngayon ay palaisipan pa rin sa akin kung paano ako naisipang lapitan ni Donya Margarita nang mga panahon na iyon. Wala akong ligo't mabaho. Puno pa ako ng grasa at madumi dahil kagagaling ko lang sa pangangalakal. Kaya nang pasakayin niya ako ng kaniyang sasakyan ay puno ako ng pagdadalawang-isip.

But the kind heart Donya Margarita has overlooked those things. She never minded. She didn't even complain. And she was the one who first reached out her hand to be my help, something that no one has ever done for me.

"You were distant," Señorito continued after a moment of silence. "Takot kang makihalubilo sa mga tao. Just like me, Tori, you avoided people and just wanted to be by yourself. Kaya mas lalo akong pinaghinaan ng loob. I witnessed how you would always put distance between you and other people. Kahit kay Ma gano'n ka rin. That's why I was afraid of going near you. I was afraid of your rejection."

Understanding what he meant, all my why's finally had answers. Hindi ko na kailangan pa ng mahabang eksplanasyon dahil gets ko na.

I grew up on the streets. Then suddenly, my life changed when Donya Margarita took me home. Kaya hindi ko alam mung paano makihalubilo sa kanila. I was as good as a mute who doesn't really talk during those times. Nai-intimidate kasi ako at hindi ko alam kung paano sila kakausapin.

Their family provided me with everything I had to work overtime just to have before. May nakahain na agad sa harap ko hindi tulad noon na kailangan ko pang maghanap sa basurahan. That was one of the reasons why I distanced myself to them aside from Donya Margarita. Hindi ko kasi alam kung paano makibagay.

At ayaw ko kasing masanay. Hindi ko naman alam kung hanggang kailan magtatagal iyong pagtulong nila sa akin dati. Kaya hindi ko kinakahayaan ang sarili ko na mapalagay dahil baka sa isang iglap lang ay bumalik na naman ako sa lansangan.

"What happened to you, Tori? Mom told me that you still have a family. She hired someone to find them, didn't she?" he cautiously asked.

Umukit ang isang mapait na ngiti sa mga labi ko. Nakakatawa. Sa kabila ng pagkakaroon ko ng pamilya, nabuhay pa rin ako bilang isang palaboy at mag-isa.

Wala, eh. Ganito kasi ako. Unano. At hindi iyon tanggap ng ina ko.

"I was a mistake," I started.

Malalim akong huminga, kinakalma ang aking sarili. Ito pa lang ang unang pagkakataon na malalaman niya ang bahaging ito ng buhay ko. He never asked. I never talked either. I just don't know how to. Wala naman kasing nakaka-proud sa kuwentong mayroon ako.

With one heavy sigh, I continued, "My existence was a fruit of curiosity. Hindi ako planado at para sa nanay ko, hindi dapat akong ipinanganak. Sa ilang beses na pagsumbat niya sa akin ng mga nangyari, memoryado ko na ang lahat ng linya niya. Iniwan siya ng tatay ko nang malamang buntis siya. Iyong uri ng pakikitungong ibinibigay niya sa akin ay siya ring eksaktong natanggap niya mula sa mga magulang niya nang malamang nabuntisan siya. May sinabi sila sa buhay kaya iba rin iyong galit ng mga magulang niya sa kaniya. They have high expectation on her only to be ruined by my existence. Then years of living while being treated worstly than a dog, one morning I woke up, I was abandoned."

Tobias stilled. "Y-You were what?"

Mapait akong napangiti. " Abandoned," I repeated. "Kaming dalawa lang ni mama ang magkasama. She was a single mother, but never treated me as her daughter. Alam ko, ramdam ko, hindi niya ako gusto. Iniiwan niya ako sa bahay mag-isa. Tuwing may bisita siya, papalabasin niya ako o di kaya'y ikukulong sa kuwarto. Kinahihiya niya ako."

How ironic. Alam kong bawat salaysay na ginagawa ko ay siya ring paglalim nang pagkakabaon ng kutsilyong nakatarak sa puso ko. Pero ang maramdaman ang sakit ay hindi rumerehistro ng tuluyan sa isip ko.

I was expecting myself to cry if ever time like this comes where I would share this story to someone. But there were no traces of tears. I know that my heart was bleeding in so much pain, but it was too numb to even feel it. Remembering how I was left alone turns my heart into a cold stone. I don't want to be hurt. Especially if the pain comes from the person who didn't even hesitate to turn her back on me.

No intention of coming back.

"Okay lang naman sa akin. I didn't mind. Oo, masakit pero okay lang. Dahil alam ko naman, tanggap ko na kakaiba ako," pagpapatuloy ko. "Seven years old, I was supposedly attending school. Pero hindi ako in-enroll ni Mama. Ayaw daw niyang gastusan ang isang tulad kong wala namang maitutulong sa kaniya. Again, I was fine with that. Pumirpi lang ako sa bahay. Then... then..."

Kinalma ko ang sarili ko nang maramdaman ang bahagyang panginginig ng aking kamay. Mukhang naramdaman iyon ni Señorito kaya hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. Thank goodness he didn't ask. He just patiently waited for me to find my voice back and continue telling my story.

"Then my mother had a lover," I continued. "That's when everything started to turn even darker. Akala ko nga magiging okay na dahil hindi na niya akong pagtutuunan ng pansin. Pero mas lalo lang palang iinit ang dugo niya sa akin," tukoy ko sa ina ko. "Lalo na noong pinagtatanggol ako ng lalaking iyon mula kay Mama. Umabot pa nga sa puntong napagbubuhatan na niya ako ng kamay, hindi ako pinakakain, at hindi ako pinapalabas ng bahay. Pero alam mo kung ano iyong nakakatawa?" Isang walang buhay na tawa ang kumawala sa bibig ko. "She denied me. Hindi niya ako pinakilala bilang anak niya kundi bilang anak ng katulong nila noon. She even tried to hide me inside of the washing machine just so she could face her lover without any embarrassment."

"You see, I was fine with everything else... huwag lang sana akong itanggi. But here I am thinking that was the worst thing she could do to me only to wake up lost one day. Sinama niya ako sa bayan dahil ibibili niya ako ng bagong damit. I was excited because that was the first time. Pakiramdam ko naging anak talaga ako sa kaniya. She felt and acted like a mother to me. Then while I was busy eyeing some clothes, I looked back... she was gone."

For the first time since I started sharing my story, I felt the pain. I could feel my heart slowly breaking into pieces, making me feel every thread of agony I kept in my heart.

My eyes watered as it got filled with tears. Pero hindi iyon bumuhos. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang paghapdi ng dalawang sulok ng mga mata ko ngunit mas lumalamang ang unti-unting pagguhit ng sugat sa puso ko.

Gusto kong umiyak. Gusto kong ibuhos iyong hinanakit ko sa pamamagitan nang pagluha. Pero ang tanging kaya ko lang gawin ay ikulong ang sakit sa puso ko. Ilang gabi rin ang lumipas na puno ng tanong ang aking isip kung bakit kailangang mangyari ang lahat na iyon. Gabi-gabi tinatanong ko kung mali ba talaga na pinanganak ako tulad nang sabi ng sarili kong ina.

Kasi sobrang lupit lang. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay ituring na isang anak. Iyong mahalin ako sa likod ng mga kakulangan ko. Pero iyong pamilyang kinagisnan ko... itinakwil pa ako.

"Iyan ba ang rason kung bakit ayaw mong kausapin sila kahit na matagal mo nang alam ang address nila?" maingat niyang tanong.

Tumango ako. "Ayaw kong mas saktan pa nag sarili ko. Ayaw kong ikulong iyong sarili ko sa isang pag-asang hindi naman magkakatotoo. Mas lalong hindi ko gustong ipilit ang sarili ko sa taong mula't sapul ay hindi tanggap ang kondisyong mayroon ako."

Naaawa ako sa sarili ko. Pero ayaw kong mas ilagay pa sa kaawa-awang sitwasyon ang aking sarili para lang ipilit iyong pagtanggap na dati nang ipinagkain sa akin.

She already did it once, I doubt there would be a change. Ayaw niya sa akin. Hindi niya ako anak para sa kaniya. That's it. Period.

"Was being born with dwarfism so wrong?" I questioned feeling so wronged and unfair.

May mga napapanood naman ako across social media, okay naman sila. Tanggap at normal naman silang nabubuhay. Perp bakit pagdating sa akin, ang unfair? Bakit parang mali kapag ako na?

"Shh, Tori," he hushed me down, silencing all my wories. "Remember this, even if the world turn its back on you, or even if the people doesn't favor you, I am here to stay. I will always guard you from all the negtive things in the world. I will shield you, protect you, and love you to bits."

I felt my heart ache again, for a different reason this time. Señorito's words of affirmation never fail to make me feel accepted and loved. Iyong pagtanggap na hindi ko nagawang makuha mula sa sarili kong pamilya ay walang pagdadalawang-isip isip niyang ibinigay.

Sa buong durasyon na magkasama kami at nakatira sa isang bubong, ni minsan ay hindi ko siya nakitaan nang panghuhusga sa kalagayan ko. Hindi niya ako tiningnan kailanman na para bang nawiwirduhan sa akin. At ni minsan, hindi ako nakarinig nang panghuhusga sa kaniya at sa pamilya niya. Everyone in Casa Ramiscal in fact.

Instead, I was showered with praises and compliments. They showed me nothing but acceptance. And they all made me feel nothing but happiness.

All the miseries I have gone through when I was someone else's became worthwhile having the family I mad in Casa Ramiscal by my side.

"Let's stop talking about the past," I said, trying to lift up the gloomy mood. "Let's just live in the present and enjoy the moment."

Señorito sighed and his breath immediately fanned the top of my head. "How about we talk about us?"

Mabilis na napahiwalay ako sa kaniya. But despite my speed, Señorito was quick to lock me in my place by embracing me tighter.

"Not so fast, honey," he whispered with a hint of laughter in his voice. "But seriously, with you in the family, everything felt lighter. Especially for me. And please, don't ever question your worth. Nasasaktan ako," mababa ang boses na aniya. "Whenever I am looking at you, I see nothing but a gorgeous lady who have grown into a fine woman." He lifted up my face by placing a finger at the bottom of my chin. "You're beautiful, okay? Body, heart, and soul. Engrave that to your heart and mind," he praised while staring directly into my eyes, making me feel the emotions his words have.

I feel loved.

Gumaan ang pakiramdam ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Despite all the bad things, endless doubts, and unstoppable cries I did back when I was a child with my own mother, I was still able to find home with Señorito and his family.

Hindi ka rin talaga pababayaan ni Lord. Mayroon at mayroong kapalit iyong lahat ng putik na dinaanan mo.

It may always not be your own family who would save you from drowning, but there definitely be someone who would reach a hand to you.

"Meeting you was the most magical moment in my life, Tori. I became more alive. Ang sabi nga ni Pops, mas naging tao raw ako simula noong dumating ka." Bahagya siyang natawa. "I can't even forget your first hi, and the first time you called me by my name. Not Señorito. Just Tobias." Señorito's arm that was above my shoulders traveled down to my waist. Pumirmi iyon doon kasabay nang pagdausdos ng ulo niya pababa sa akin. I felt him rest his chin on top of my head, and contented himself with the close distance we shared. "You have no idea how I treasured that day. For days, laman ng mga kuwento ko kay Dad ang nangyaring iyon. There were times where I would just find myself smiling because of it."

I looked at Tobias with fascination mixed with disbelief. Hindi ko akalaing dadating iyong araw na maririnig ko ang ganitong kahabang mga salita mula sa kaniya. Even his face looked brighter and his eyes were full of life.

"Too bad, though," he cleared his throat as if there was something stuck in it. A few seconds passed before he continued, "You were you back then. Illegally young for someone like me to like."

May kung anong bumara sa lalamunan ko, pinipigilan akong magsalita dahil sa mga rebelasyon ni Señorito. Hindi ko napigilan ang aking sarili na mapatingin sa kaniya. Agad na nagtama ang mga mata namin na walang hirap niyang nahuli.

His free hand reached for my cheek and started caressing it softly. "Took me too long, right? But not to late to say it to you out loud. Hear me out, Tori." Señorito's head slowly began to descend until his lips reached my ears.

And there, he whispered, "I love you, Tori."

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

A/N: I hope you enjoyed writing this chapter dahil nag-enjoy din akong isulat ito! Feel free to share your thoughts about it. :)

with endless love and appreciation,
Aerasyne

My Social Media Accounts
Facebook: Aerasyne WP
Instagram/Twitter/Tiktok: aerasyne