Expectations

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Shaira's POV

Waiting for someone who suddenly captures a place in your heart has never been easy! When we expect somebody to show up this waiting becomes even more pathetic!

It's said that we should never expect anything from anyone and when expectations Don't TakE the shape of realIty it hurts, it's like somebody is strangling you without applying any force on you....

It was almost four in the evening when I came back from college and that too smiling like a lunatic. I know i am sounding a little unreasonable right now but just for once i want believe that maybe someone like Ayaan can be interested in me. It's not a crime right?  So what I am not like Natalie Portman, i am shaira sweet and cute, i don't want to put tons of makeup to hide my dark circles or pimples because firstly there aren't any and secondly I don't want my skin to be use to of something which isn't healthy. I don't even remember when was the last time i went to beauty parlour for all this stupid stuff like manicure, pedicure or facial! I don't want all this I am fine just the way I am.

The moment I entered my apartment my eyes landed on the balcony door and do I need to say what happened after that? All the memories of last night came rushing to me, i know i am giving this whole thing so much attention and focus that must have been a little irritating for you but just for once think as me and put yourself in my shoes.

Think of how a girl who has nothing and had done everything in her life on her own. She never expected anyone to show up ever not even when she cried knowing she doesn't have parents like other children at her school do, not even when she came first in her class she had no one to share this news to. There were so many instances in her life where she wanted someone to be with her ,to hold her hand, to say they were proud of her or everything will be alright with time but sadly enough there was no one. From very difficulty she has learn to live without any expectations or love and now she isn't ready to break all the walls in a second,  she can't do this ever until and unless her mind and her heart will both agree to it.

Life has never been kind to me but still with my hard work it has atleast never disappointed me much and I am ready grateful for it. I know how to live without anyone, this is the reason I never get close to anybody because the fear of losing them scare the hell out of me. I am scared like shit whenever I think about letting any person in,  that is why I don't have any friends at all. All those who are in my life only arrived when they require me or when I want any work done from them. I know it all sounds selfish but honestly I don't care what people think about me anymore and it's better that way.

No matter what you do in life people will judge you anyway so instead of being afraid of getting judged you should always give yourself a priority always. I don't know why but from the past three days there is some calmness in my life and whether I want to admit it or not I do want Ayaan to give me attention but obviously I am not going to tell him that. I just want to see where all this is going and then decide what should I do. Maybe like everyone who has come in my life he is also here to fulfil his some kind of motive, i cannot trust him at all but I want to as whenever he is near me, my heart becomes irrational and lose all its sanity making me look like insane! There has to be some meaning to all this right?

Putting every irrational thought of mine aside I went to my kitchen to make something from myself and I ended up eating full one huge pineapple pastry! Ayaan was right I am really obsessed with cakes and pasteries!

"Now will you think about him only?" My subconscious mocked at me.

"No not at all! I was just stating the facts" i snapped at my subconscious. Well why does it have to butt in, in every matter?

"Ooh please you know it I know it,  just agree to one thing in your life wIthout arguing!" She snapped back at me.

What the...

"You know I don't have to agree anything as there isn't anything for me to agree so just do me one favor, just go" I said calmly and to my surprise she said something which made me uncomfortable to an extent which I cannot even explain..

"You like him, agree this" she said and before i could deny this she was gone. And no matter what I said afterwards she never replied , it was like my own subconscious was ignoring me...

At four I entered my apartment and its eight now, till now i haven't done anything except one, i am simply lying in my bed under my grey color duvet and thinking about him. In such a short time he has made an indelible print on my mind which I don't have any idea how is it even possible. I mean it's not like in the past two Years of my college nobody was interested in me but it's just this was not what I wanted, even now i don't want to complicate my life by being involved with someone else as i cannot even think of investing in someone emotionally ever but Ayaan has something in himself.

I mean he is a charmer that is true,  he knows how to catch somebody's attention but the point is why me when he has so many options available. I remember when I was with him in the football court, every girl was giving me death glare and how can I even blame them! Ayaan is really handsome, his green eyes compliment his white skin, his tonned muscles make him look even more fit...

"Arghhh just stop describing him for one fucking second!" I yelled at myself burrying my head in the pillow.

To say I was frustrated was definitely an understatement as now i am irritated with my own thoughts. How can I think about him so much?

I did one thing that will surely put my mind off him was i plugged earphones in my ear and let the songs made its way in my head, which no doubt was relaxing. It didn't mattered to me which song is it I just wanted a break from all the thinking as I was exhausted like hell. I didn't wanted to eat anything as i was upset with myself. I am thinking way too much about Ayaan which is not healthy for myself at all.

I don't know how or when but while listening to my playlist I slowly drifted to sleep....

With a jolt my eyes flew open and my breathing was uneven so much that I was myself able to hear the loud thumping of my heart. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead making me realise how horrified my dream was. I don't know what happened in my dream which made left shaking but one thing which I am sure of I saw my mother,  she was holding my hand there were tears in her eyes and I was crying mercilesslY too after that what happened I had no idea.

I held my head in my hands and try to relax myslef telling that it wasn't reality,  it was just a dream nothing else and she will never dare to come in front of me as she has lost all her rights the moment she dumped me in that orphanage. When I was calm enough I noticed that my window was still the way I left it which means Ayaan didn't came today because if he had I would have known about it.

When this realization hit me that he didn't came, my heart sank and I don't know why I just wanted to cry but i cannot do this,  if I cry now then there will be no stopping which I don't want at all. There is so much pain inside me that nobody can share it not even Ayaan.

Then why I am upset if he didn't came? It is not as if he promised me! He is no one to me except his name I don't know anything about him at all. Why my heart is so dissatisfied with all this?

Shrugging all these thoughts I checked the time,it was six in the morning, i decided to take a hot shower today so stepping out of my clothes I let the water relax all my tensed muscles. My washroom isn't grand , it is simple yet elegant just the way i want it.

After twenty minutes i finally turned off the faucet and wrapping a towel around my petite body I looked at myself in the mirror. My face looked pale as if it has lost all its colour, and yesterday my cheeks were so red with all the blushing that I was myself amused as how can presence of one person affect this much to me...

Since I don't like make up at all, i decided to let it go and there is no need of me concealing all this when there is no one who is going to notice me anyway! Also I have to go to my job today so it's better I don't put any make-up. My attire  didn't bothered me today as it hardly matters. I was wearing my simple blue jeans and green colour sweatshirt which had some print in yellow. It was too lose and I like lose clothes so it matched my mood. When it comes to my hair I simply dried them with hair dryer and let them down as they were not completely dry and if I will tie them now then i will catch cold, i really am sensitive. I put on my white colour shoes which I purchased last month and are one of my favourite as they are really comfy!

Just when I was about to exit my stomach churned reminding me that I hadn't had anything! Even last night I skipped my dinner. Thinking it's not good to skip meals I decided to drink a whole glass of orange juice and ate full one banana which no doubt was healthy and my tummy was full!

After locking my door the moment I turned I was taken aback as i collided with a rough door but there isn't any door in the first place. When I look at the person I was really shocked. It was Ayaan who was standing way too close to me. His cologne made its way in my nostrils and that is the best scent I have ever smelled. I was again lost in his green eyes unaware of the fact that his hands were on my waist and he was looking devilishly handsome in a grey hoodie paired it with light blue jeans.

After two-three minutes, i chided myself for being so stupid and cleared my throat to get his attention. It was not only me who was lost afterall. We both were equally zoned out but now I have to leave knowing he never showed up yesterday and a part of me is saying to stay away from him.

"Hii" he said and removed his hands from my waist.

I should be happy right that he removed his hands? But guess what I am not. Suddenly I felt incomplete!

Really shaira? Arghh your thoughts are so amazing! I berated myself repeatedly for thinking so stupidly.

"Hi" i said gathering all the courage.

"See I am sorry, i didn't came yesterady as i was caught up in some important..."

"You don't have to explain yourself Ayaan it's fine" i said before he could give me any excuse or any explanation which I wasn't interested in.

"Shaira I owe an explanation to you" he said with his eyes boring into mine. His eyes looked sad just like mine. I wanted to ask him but right now is not the time to get all personal.

"You don't have to Ayaan it's fine. I am getting really late so if you don't mind we can talk some other time" I said to him without meeting his scorching gaze.

I don't know why I am making this all a big deal but after that dream I just want to be alone and if Ayaan will be anywhere near me then surely I will snap at him for no reason which I don't want to do at all.

"Bye Ayaan " I said and walked out before listening his reply. I know he was upset with my behaviour he wasn't expecting this coming but I also didn't knew either that his presence will make me his much uncomfortable and restless.

Clutching my books to myslef I was out and was walking on the streets with so many jumbled thoughts that I wasn't even shivering when the cold wind hit my cheeks. For a moment i became numb to everything....

So guys this is the fourth chapter of this book!  How are you all liking this book so far?

I am really enjoying writing this book and guys please tell me by voting and do comment.

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