Some of this is from the actual show.

Mention of Suicide.

"There she is."

"His sister."

"Connor Murphy is dead."

"I wonder how he did it?"

"Shhh, she can hear you."

I had a feeling that I was the only one the school was looking at. It was highly unsettling fact, but it was true. Being mollycoddled because of your dead brother was... awful. The halls seemed strangely empty without him, no one to really avoid. Having a sibling was a strange experience in general. You can hate each other but you always seem to be able to see into one another. You know how to cheer them up and just the way to bring them down. Me and my brother always never told one another from about the age of 10 or 11 (or for him 11 or 12). It was a silent agreement. Maybe that's why my parents never saw who he was. 

I saw Evan a couple of times in the hallway, but we made no eye-contact. Something seemed off about him almost like-

"Zoe?" I looked up. "Are you with us?" I nodded. Her tone of voice wasn't like the sharp teacher voice that usually was used when asked that question, but a concerned one. I sighed. Go figure. The loudspeaker turned on which signified the end of the day.

"A reminder that the Jazz Band tryouts are today at 2:00 pm after school in Mrs. Polarinski's  Music room. If you wish to try out or continue band, stop by."  The announcements signified the end of the day. 

Thank God. I crammed my papers into my binder, not even looking at it.

I was never the neatest person. My binder was scrunched up and dirty, with strewn papers sticking out. Today wasn't an exception. The bell rang and I grabbed my guitar and headed to room 138 for Jazz Band. New faces. New faces. I was never really good with new people, so time to endure this disaster again. 

"Hi, everyone! For all of you who are new, welcome, and for all that aren't welcome back!" Hoo boy. "So since there are newcomers, why don't you say a little bit about yourselves!" H O O B O Y 

So we did. 

"Hi, I'm Natasha, I play drums and I am a Capricorn."

"Hi, I'm Ellis, I play Saxophone, and uh... I used to swim."

"Uh, hi, everyone, I'm Brooke and I play the piano and uh... I've played the piano since I was three." (Yes, this is the BMC and DEH universe. I know in the second chapter she quotes it but shshshshshhhhhh. The BMC group and currently freshmen, so this is a year before the whole SQUIP thing.)

Pianos. 

I remember pianos.

---

1 year ago

---

"You're such an asshole, I pick you up from school and all you do is complain! The whole way home!" The door had opened and in stormed Connor, Dad following shortly after. 

"Can I eat? I haven't eaten an actual meal for 3 days. You just buy random food."

I tightened my huge headphones around my head. "Some people long for a life that is simple and planned..." Maybe the only thing that seemed right in this world was music. That's why I play the guitar, the only thing that made sense was the notes. The arguing was blocked out, nothing seemed to filter as actual words. Just noises. 

All of a sudden, a crash. Well, not a crash, more like a slam. 

I shakily stood up and walked into the room with the Piano (because what else do you call it?). 

The Piano was broken.

The freaking piano.

And pianos, if you don't know, ARE FUCKING HUGE. 

LIKE LOOK AT THIS:

There were keys and wires strewn about with wood splinters sticking out.

I backed out. 

---

The car door squeaked as it slammed. The red door seemed to come alive like blood. Everything seemed to jump out at me, like all of it was alive. I walked inside the house to find none other than Evan Hansen in the middle of the dining room peering nervously at my mom who was clutching a stack of papers. 

"Why are you here?" I asked, slightly embarrassed by how rude it sounded. My mother jumped up and smiled.

"Zoe! Wait 'til you see what Evan brought us! Emails from your brother!" I stared at the papers, doubtful, disbelieving, angry.

"How was your first day back?" My dad said, clearly uncomfortable. I turned toward him.

"Terrific. All of a sudden everybody wants to be my friend." I rotated on my heels dramatically. "I'm the dead kid's sister, didn't you know?" 

"I'm sure they mean well." Mom said clutching the letters tightly. She was too focused on her dead son to notice anything else. Evan's voice barely reached my ears.

"I should probably go..."

"You're not staying for dinner?" My mom said trying to keep '̶C̶o̶n̶n̶o̶r̶'̶  Evan there.

"Oh, I just-I hadn't planned on it." My mother walked over to him and reached out as if to physically keep him here. 

"Then we can do another night." She glanced down at the papers and tightened her grip. "I can cook something for you!"

"No, no, no, you don't have to."

"It would be my pleasure! We would love to have you." His eyes darted around and I started at him for a second before regaining my train of thoughts.

"Why don't I show you out?" Evan's shoulders seem to tense up and relax at the same time as my dad came up to him and placed a hand on Mom's shoulder.

"Oh. Thanks." And he was escorted out.

I sighed and started walking up the stairs, my guitar thumping ruthlessly against my back. I was about to turn out of sight when my mom spoke from the bottom of the staircase. 

"So, how was band today? I bet they're happy to have you back, huh?" I narrowed my eyes and stepped down a bit.

"You really don't have to do this, okay?"

She didn't move. "Do what?" I started walking down until I was about three steps away.

"Just because Connor isn't here trying to punch through my door, screaming at the top of his lungs that he's going to kill me for no reason, that doesn't mean that all of a sudden we're the fucking Brady Bunch!" Well, see, he never really threatened to kill me, not really. But he banged and shouted and hit me but it was an exaggeration. My mom didn't back down. She looked me in the eyes.

"We are all grieving in our own way. I know how much you miss your brother." My figure seemed to grow smaller. "We all do." She placed the papers in my hand. Before I could shove it back she softly spoke and walked away. "You can read these when you're ready." 

(Hey so, little note, this version of Requiem is not according to the show. Neither was the parts before it. Sorry, didn't mean to spoil it.)

I walked back upstairs into the 'Shrine Room' for Connor. Four candles on each wall, giving out the only light in the room. A photo of an early teenage him. I leaned against the wall and slid down, crossing my legs. I looked down at the notes.

Dear Evan Hansen, we've been way too out of touch. Things have been crazy and it sucks that we don't talk that much. (Hey that rhymed lol) But y'know life without you has been rough. And I miss talking about life and other stuff (man I'm just on a ROLL today).

I stared at it, disbelieving. I don't remember the last time he joked at all. I stared at it for a second then glanced up at the dim room. "Why should I play this game of pretend? Remembering through a secondhand sorrow? Such a great son and wonderful friend. Oh, don't the tears just pour." I stood up wandering around. "I could curl up and hide in my room..."  My eyes wandered to the open door. "There in my bed, still sobbing tomorrow...I could give in to all of the gloom." 

I love my parents-

I love my parents.

I love my parents.

I looked up. Connor's photo was staring at me. I stepped forward as if to prepare to fight.

"But tell me, tell me what for? Why should I have a heavy heart? Why should I start to break in pieces? Why should I go and fall apart for you?" I stared at him, the blank slate of a photo, hurt carving into my voice.  "Why should I play the grieving girl and lie...Saying that I miss you...
 And that my world has gone dark without your light?" I dropped the paper, not looking back and walked out of the room."I will sing no requiem tonight."

 I walked out to the banister and surveyed my house. A chandelier in the living room, the portrait near the door. Arguing always echoing through the halls. Now too. Muffled voices. 

"...Can't stand to be in his room for five minutes-!"

"I'm exhausted!"

"You know, Larry, at some point, you're going to have to start-"

"Not tonight... Please."

"Just read this." A sound of shuffled paper.

"I'll leave the light on for you." He left Connors room and passed me, but I didn't look. He walked into his office, sat down defeatedly, and closed the door.

And there I was. Always the forgotten one. Even when Connor is dead, he's the biggest deal since Lincon was shot. I looked at the opened door. And I stormed in.

"Why should I have a heavy heart?" I wasn't the only one saying it. "Why should I say-" I brought the paper close to my chest dramatically. "-I'll keep you with me?" Again, I was not alone. "Why should I go and fall apart for you?" I inhaled the heat on the candles, the emptiness of the air and opened my eyes to meet Connors glass-encased ones. "Why should I play the grieving girl and lie, saying that I miss you and that my world has gone dark without your light?"  

I heard my mom tearfully say, "I see your light..."

I backed up to the other wall, far away from Connor. "I will sing no requiem...Tonight!'Cause when the villains fall, the kingdoms never weep. No one lights a candle to remember." My eyes caught onto the candle next to me, perched on a cheap table, burning bright. I picked it up and looked at the photo... and in a fit of anger and rage and frustration and sadness...I threw it down. The carpet caught fire in front of me. I inhaled sharply, helplessly. I'm getting better every day.  I shuffled the papers into his suicide note. My eyes narrowed.  Dear Evan Hansen."No, no one mourns at all, When they lay them down to sleep!" I glanced down and backed up as far as I could, hitting the wall. I shot a look through the wall. "So, don't tell me that I didn't have it right! Don't tell me that it wasn't black and white!" The bruise on my leg. The scars in my mind. The cut on my shoulder. The death of a brother. "After all you put me through, don't say it wasn't true,-" I was straining my voice, but I didn't care. Let the whole world hear about how Connor Murphy wasn't a freak. He was an animal. I stared at the paper. A line ran through my head. Keep getting better every day!  He wasn't even an animal. "That YOU WERE NOT THE MONSTER-!" And that was it. The papers were crushed and dropped into the fire. My breath caught in my throat. "That I knew..." The words were still visible. "'Cause I..." All my hope is pinned on Zoe. "Cannot play the grieving girl and lie..." All my hope is pinned on Zoe. "Saying that I miss you and that my world has gone dark-..." The words burned up. I let out a sob.  He was gone. He was gone. And nothing could bring him back. I regained my sense of self, drying my eyes and walked around the dying fire to the front of the room, keeping my head down.

"I will sing no Requiem..."

Repeated two more times, this time not from me.

From the office: "I will sing no Requiem..."

From the bedroom: "I will sing no Requiem..."

From my own voice: "I will sing no Requiem..."I took a deep breath and looked up at the young boy. "Tonight." And walked out of the room letting out my final notes.