Some of this is from the actual show.

Mention of Suicide. 

He looked up quickly, surprised and placed down a book he was examining. "I was just waiting for-"

"Don't your parents get upset that you're here all the time?" 

"Well, it's not like I am, I'm not here all the time..." Really?

"Just two nights in a row."

"Well. It's just my mom and she works most nights. Or she's in class." 

"Class for what?"

"Legal stuff."

"Where's your dad?" I crossed my arms, raising an eyebrow.

"My dad is um... he lives in Colorado." Uh-oh.  "He left when I was seven." Fuck, go back. "So. He doesn't really mind either." Well, I've been with him for... 15 seconds and already forced him to open up a probably painful memory. Great. He paused, causing my mind to overthink...everything. "Your parents... They're really great." I stared at him, confused.

"They can't stand each other. They fight all the time."

"Everyone's parents fight."

"My dad's, like, in total denial. He didn't even cry at the funeral." I stopped, realizing what I was talking about. There was another awkward moment of silence before he looked out the door, changing the subject.

"Your mom was saying, gluten-free lasagna for dinner. That sounds really..." He tried to form a compliment. You couldn't. Now with her lasagna. I smiled.

"Inedible?" He gave a short laugh. 

"Well, you're lucky your mom cooks. My mom and I just order pizza most nights." He said, avoiding my gaze. I sighed and leaned against the wall. It wasn't a sad sigh, just an amused one.

"You're lucky you're allowed to eat pizza." He looked up.

"You're not allowed to eat pizza?" I shrugged and walked around the room.

"We I can now, I guess. My mom was Buddhist last year so we weren't allowed to eat animal products."

"She was Buddhist last year but not this year?" 

"That's sort of what she does. She gets into different things. For a while it was Pilates, then it was "The Secret", then Buddhism. Now it's free-range, 'Omnivore's Dilemma'... whatever." I said, counting on my fingers.

"It's cool that she's interested in so much different stuff." I looked at him and smiled a bit.

"She's not. That's just what happens when you're rich and you don't have a job. You get crazy." I wiggled my fingers around my head.

"My mom always says it's better to be rich than poor."

I laughed. "Well, your mom's probably never been rich then."

"You've probably never been poor." He muttered. I looked up surprised. He realized what he said, eyes widening. "Oh my God! I can't believe I just said that. I'm so sorry. That was completely rude." I sputtered a laugh. A real laugh. For the first time in seemingly ever.

"Wow! I didn't realize you were actually capable of saying something that wasn't nice." He looked at me, seemingly surprised about my reaction.

"No, I'm not. I never say things are nice. I don't even think things like that. I'm just, I'm really sorry." I grinned and crossed my arms again.

"I was impressed. You're ruining it."

"I'm sorry." Sorry again. I let go of my arms and approached him, now about five feet away from him.

"You really don't have to keep saying that." He stayed silent, clearly uncomfortable.

"...Okay." I smiled, slightly concerned but slightly amused.

"You want to say it again, don't you?"

"Very much so, yes." He quickly responded, rocking on his heels. He glanced up at me.

"You're weird." I realized what I had said. Even though I was kidding, maybe he thought I wasn't. That's always what his brain told him, and to be honest, I don't think that anyone had really ever joked around with him like that before. I forced a grin on my face none the less.

"I know." He mumbled. I stared at him, my smile falling. I had to ask him... didn't I?

"Why did he say that? In his note?" He looked up confused. I walked over to the bed and sat down, reciting the note. "'Because there's Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe. Who I don't even know and she doesn't know me.'" Why would he write that? What does that even mean?" It registered what I was asking of him. He stayed silent. He couldn't give an answer. Of course. It was like when you use a calculator for a problem, and it's not an answer on the test. It seemed correct, you did the math right, there just wasn't a place for it to be. And all of a sudden. he spoke.

"Oh. Um... Well, I guess- I'm not sure if this is definitely it- but he was always... He always thought that maybe if you guys were closer-" I looked up, interrupting him.

"We weren't close. At all."

"No, exactly. And he used to always say that he wished that he was. He wanted to be." I scooted forward.

"So you and Connor, you, you guys would talk about me?"

"Sometimes. I mean, if he brought it up. I never brought it up. Obviously. Why would I have brought it up?" I smiled weakly. "He thought you were... Awesome." And pack it up, it's over, we're done. Of course, he didn't think I was awesome. But I couldn't just leave, so...

"He thought I was awesome? My brother."

"Definitely." He said, his voice sure.

I cocked my head. "How?"

"Okay... um, okay... like.. um, like whenever you have a solo. In jazz band?" I nodded. "You close your eyes and you get this-you probably don't even know you're doing this... But you get this half smile. Like you just heard the funniest thing in the world, but it's a secret and you can't tell anybody. But then, the way you smile, it's sort of like you're letting us in on the secret, um... too." What? He cleared his throat, starting over. I smiled reassuringly. He stared at me for a moment before looking away. "Um... He said, there's nothing like your smile, sort of subtle and perfect and real." Then he looked back at me. I felt myself go pink. Smiling, huh? I was smiling at the moment. I pushed it away, trying not to show off or whatever. "He said... You never know how wonderful the smile could make someone feel." 

"And he knew, whenever you get bored, you scribble stars on the cuffs of your jeans." I smiled and looked down at them. But then it disappeared. Anyone could see that. Maybe he was making it up. I looked back down, studying the bedspread. "And he noticed, that you still fill out the quizzes, that they put in those teen magazines." My head snapped up. He knew that? I've never told anyone that."But he kept it all inside his head, what he saw he left unsaid. And though he wanted to, he couldn't talk to you, he couldn't find the way. But he would always say: "If I could tell her, tell her everything I see. if I could tell her, how she's everything to me. But we're a million worlds apart...And I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell her... If I could tell her."  My eyes had traced him around the room, he was walking and pacing and darting his eyes toward me, and I took in every word.

'We're a million worlds apart.' 

Of course, we were. I always knew that, but never could put it into words. I squirmed in my seat and looked up.

"You know the first time he ever said anything nice about me?" I sighed. "In his note. A note he wrote to you! He couldn't even say it to me."

"He wanted to, though. He just... He couldn't." I pushed myself as far as I could at the end of the bed.

"Did he say anything else?"

"A-about you?" What had I said? That I wanted more? No, I couldn't want more, I couldn't need more. I stood up starting to run toward the door.

"YouknownevermindIdon'tevencareanywaysit'sjust-" 

He grabbed my arm, then let go, quickly. "No, no, no, no, no! He said so many things, I'm just- I'm trying to remember the best ones. Um..." I lowered myself onto the bed slowly and looked down again.

"He thought, you looked really pretty, er-" I turned red looked up. He cleared his throat. "It looked pretty cool when you put indigo streaks in your hair." I tightened my grip on the sheet with one hand and fingered my hair with the other, smiling.

"He did?" 

"Uh, and he wondered how you learned to dance, like all the rest of the world isn't there." He saw my dance. At least one person would have seen me, my windows in the room were facing the road. So that wasn't too surprising. But he kept it all inside his head, what he saw he left unsaid..." I stood up slowly and walked to his desk, cluttered with papers and pens little pins and mini erasers. Evan noticed but continued.

"'If I could tell her, tell her everything I see. If I could tell her, how she's everything to me." I gave in, repeating his words.

"But we're a million worlds apart..." I sang along. I turned around and smiled a bit at him. He looked surprised, his face somewhat tinged with pink. I walked to the other side of the room crossing my arms, looking at his many posters.

'This Is Gospel'

'Please don't make any sudden moves, you don't know the half of the abuse'

'So paint it black and take it back'

'Had to have High Hopes'

"'And- I don't know how I would even start...If I could tell her, If I could tell her.' But what do you do when there's this great divide?"

I sighed and looked down. "He just seemed so far away..."

"And what do you do when the distance is too wide?"

I softly laughed."It's like I don't know anything." And turned around and walked back to the bed and leaned against the bedpost.

"And how do you say 'I love you'?" I sunk down onto the bed. Looking at him. It was true. Now I believed him. Only now. I had too, didn't I?... Didn't I? "'I love you.' I love you...I love you..." He now sat down on the bed. I scooted toward him. "But we're a million worlds apart...And- I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell her... If I could-" 

He kissed me.

HE KISSED ME.

HELLO WORLD THIS IS IMPORTANT EVAN HANSEN FUCKING KISSED ME.

I pulled away, obviously, and jumped up, backing away, confused. "What are you doing?!" 

"Um... I just- um..." He was bright red, stammering, trying to explain himself.

"Dinner is ready, guys..." My mom called from downstairs. We both didn't answer both staring at each other. "...Guys?" I turned around, running out of the room.

"Tell them to eat without me!" 

I slammed the door and sat down on my bed. I'd never been kissed before, that was my first. Not really how I imagined it if I'm being honest. Unless you were one of those 'we're so mature, lets date in 3rd grade and kiss boys' girl, you don't get kissed until you fall in love, hook up, or someone is in love with you. Or what just happened. Evan wasn't in love with me... was he? Maybe I was right, maybe the tiny part in my mind was right. Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe I was so romanticized in Connors mind that he kissed me, just because of how..."good" I sounded. 

If that's how it works. 

Or maybe he did like me. Maybe I was right before and he was lying. But how would he know that unless... unless he liked me for a very long time... 

I'm overthinking.

Evan was probably downstairs, trying to make up a story about why I couldn't come. Maybe I was sick. Maybe I wasn't hungry. He didn't tell the truth, I don't think he would tell my parents that.

I grabbed my guitar, strumming the tune to 'Dear Theodosia'.

"Dear Zoe Murphy, how to say to you,

Sometime last week, your brother wrote your name,

And like the flame that I blew out too soon,

I had not...known...." I stifled a sob and threw my guitar across the room. It wasn't broken. That wouldn't have been good. I inhaled slowly and walked across the room to it, but hesitated to pick it up. Instead, I picked up my Ukulele. 

My phone buzzed.

Willa: Hey, you doin ok?

Oh, yeah, just great. 

---

(Some of this scene's photo's I'm gonna start doing that now)

"If I could tell her..."

"If I could..."

(she's not kissing back just blinking)

"What are you doing?!"

"Tell them to eat without me!"

Yay. 

Sorry, this chapter sucks lol.