The idea that I would keep a large sum of money in a home safe was so preposterous that I had trouble understanding why anyone would think it a possibility. I am a banker. I believe money should be put to work in investments, not hidden away under a mattress somewhere.

I said as much to the man standing in my bedroom at 3:30 Thursday morning. I also asked him to point his gun somewhere else. He ignored me and repeated his demand that I turn over my 'stash' to him, "or else..." His wild-eyed look and the big gun he was waving about boded no good ending to this. It was not lost on me that he had not bothered to wear a mask.

I had nothing to defend us. No gun under the pillow. No panic button to summon the police. Nothing heavier than the book on my nightstand. We were in our pajamas, in bed. We were in trouble.

"Keep him talking," I thought. Maybe I would come up with a plan. "Why do you need the money so badly?"

He looked surprised like no one had ever asked him that. Before he answered, I pushed back the blankets and swung my feet over the edge of the bed.

"Whoa," he said. He brought the gun up and pointed it at my chest.

"I am fifty years old and in my pajamas. You are what, thirty? And fit. And you have a gun. I am no threat to you. I have to go to the bathroom." I was standing by this time.

"No. No bathroom. Sit back down."

I crossed the bedroom to the chair and sat. Now my wife was out of the immediate line of fire. He had to turn at right angles to watch both of us. Before he thought about this too much, I said, "you haven't thought this out too well, have you? I am a successful banker. I know all about robberies and alarms. Hell, we have entire training courses about this stuff. So with all that knowledge, what do you suppose I would do to protect my home?" I pointed to the combination smoke detector above my head. "Cameras. Video. Streaming. Do you know what streaming means? It means your picture has been on a website ever since you walked in here. You know about facial recognition? I see that you do. You know that if you hurt us, you could go to jail for life? So far you haven't done anything too bad. But the moment you touch us it becomes felony assault with a gun. And - They - Know - Who - You - Are." I pointed at the smoke detector again. He followed my finger and looked right at it. "Smile for the camera."

--

"And he just gave up?" The detective asked, shaking his head. "By the way, we will need that video."

"I'm sorry, detective. There is no video. That is just a smoke detector."

I came back into the bedroom after escorting the police out. My wife giggled. "You actually had them believing that we would have video cameras watching us in our bedroom. How silly."

As I hugged her, I thought, 'Maybe I should pull them out for a while, just as a precaution.'