TWELVE: Black's guide to a perfectly awful date

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Step One: Choose the Worst Possible Date Partner

   If you're reading this, congratulations. You have survived the whirlwind that was October, though, like some of us, you may have missed the actual end of the month because of your best mate being bedridden with an inconvenient full moon-related illness. (Not that we're pointing fingers, Remus.) Regardless, now that November has arrived, it's time for the moment we've all been waiting for—the final tally of the Muggle Studies Debate scores.

Welcome to the official, Sirius Black—approved guide to the worst possible date imaginable. The rules? You must follow every step to ensure maximum discomfort, unbridled irritation, and complete and utter regret. Our unfortunate test subjects for this edition: Remus Lupin and Evelina Valentine, two academic rivals who would rather write an entire thesis on Muggle-technology integration in wizarding society than willingly go on a "date"—not that Sirius will allow them to call it anything else.

Evelina Valentine sprinted through the corridors, her heavy bag swinging wildly at her side, fingers clenched around the strap as she raced to Muggle Studies. It was filled with books—her books—the ones that should have secured her victory last month if Remus Lupin hadn't inconveniently fallen ill, delaying the results. Typical. She had spent the past month tearing through debates with the ferocity of a starved Hippogriff, determined to beat him, yet now, because of his untimely sickness, she had no idea if she had won.

She couldn't let Remus win. The thought of losing to him—and having to go on that ridiculous bet-date—was enough to make her stomach churn.

She shoved open the door to the Muggle Studies classroom, eyes instantly locking on the familiar group near the front.

Remus sat at his usual desk, looking equal parts bored and annoyed as Sirius Black lounged beside him, an easy smirk on his face. James Potter had his feet propped up on the table, lazily twirling his wand between his fingers. And, for the first time ever, Peter Pettigrew—who wasn't even in the debate club—was stationed at the board, furiously scribbling down scores as if his life depended on it.

Sirius was the first to notice her arrival. "Well, well, well, if it isn't our resident overachiever," he drawled, grinning. "Come to bask in the glory of your inevitable loss?"

Evelina ignored him, narrowing her eyes at Remus, who was slumped in his seat with his arms crossed, looking unbearably smug.

"Bet you're terrified, Lupin," she said, stalking over. "The results are about to crush you."

Remus scoffed. "Not likely."

"You were sick for a week," she reminded him. "That's a whole week of debates I dominated."

"Yes, well, even at half my usual brilliance, I still managed to win more debates than you," he replied lazily.

Evelina's jaw clenched at his smug tone, but she refused to show any weakness. She stepped closer, dropping her books onto the desk with a resounding thud that made the others glance over. "You think you can just waltz in and still come out on top after missing a whole week? You might be a genius, Lupin, but even your brilliance can't account for the fact that I was here, actually participating, while you were off pretending to be bedridden."

She didn't bother acknowledging Sirius and James's theatrics. Instead, she focused her glare on Remus, who met her gaze with a knowing look.

"Oh, please, don't look at me like that," Remus drawled, flipping a page in his book without much concern. "I had nothing to do with the delay. Blame my immune system."

"Convenient," Evelina snapped. "I've been waiting for this moment for over a week. I swear, if I lost—"

"You'll do what? Throw a tantrum?" Remus smirked. "How very mature of you."

Before she could retort, Sirius raised an eyebrow at her, leaning back in his chair, clearly amused. "Aren't you a little fired up, Valentine?" He cried out.

Evelina shot him a glare. "Someone has to stand up to him," she muttered, not taking her eyes off Remus.

James grinned, clearly entertained by the back-and-forth. "It's funny," he said, nudging Sirius. "You two bicker like an old married couple. Are you sure you're not secretly in love?" He grinned.

"Please," Evelina snapped, crossing her arms, "I'd rather take a bath in hot sauce than ever be in love with Remus Lupin."

Remus' smirk only deepened. "Funny. I'd rather spend a week locked in a room with Sirius and James plotting pranks than ever be in love with you."

Evelina scoffed. "So, absolute torture?"

"Exactly," Remus said smoothly. "And yet, somehow, still preferable."

At that, Peter cleared his throat, turned from the board, nervously adjusting his grip on the chalk. "Um, guys, I think I've got the scores..."

Finally averting her eyes from Remus for a moment, Evelina turned to face Peter. His face was stiff as he waited for their reactions, he was shifting his grasp on the chalk uncomfortably.

"Alright," Remus said, sitting up straighter in his chair, his voice suddenly serious. "Let's get this over with. Who won?"

Peter's eyes darted between the two of them before he cleared his throat again. "Well. . .it's a bit of a tie."

Evelina blinked, momentarily stunned. "A tie?"

She clenched her fists. A tie. She hadn't seen that coming. She had felt like she'd dominated—like she had outdebated him in every possible way. But a tie?

"Yeah," He replied. "It's close, but—"

"I swear, if you make me wait any longer, I'm hexing you," Evelina threatened, hands on her hips.

Remus, standing beside her with an exasperated expression, crossed his arms. "Really? We both know you wouldn't risk detention. You'd rather die than fall behind on coursework."

"Oh, shut it, Lupin."

Peter swallowed, interrupting them. "Remus won." He said, quickly. The words had hardly left his mouth before Evelina lunged forward, she shoved past him, eyes locked on the board. Peter let out a startled squeak, stumbling back as he barely managed to keep his footing.

"Oi! No need for violence!" Sirius laughed as James snorted beside him.

Evelina stared at the board, scanning the tally marks, fuming. "This can't be right. Check again."

"I already did," Peter muttered, still looking shaken.

As though reality could be changed by pure desire, Evelina stood motionless, her gaze fixed on the discussion scores. However, many times she blinked or cursed in her mind, Peter Pettigrew's questionable ability to count, the figures stayed the same.

Remus had won.

Although it was not a decisive win, it was not necessary. An evening of unbearable company, unbearable smugness, and whatever painful schemes Sirius had devised to make this even worse for her were now her fate because of a foolish wager.

The silence stretched, the tension thick enough to slice through with a wand. Then—

"Well, well, well," Sirius drawled, placing both hands behind his head and rocking back in his chair, a lazy grin stretching across his face. "Would you look at that? Our dear Moony has done the impossible and bested the infamous Evelina Valentine."

"Shut up," she snapped, whipping around to glare at Remus, who—annoyingly—looked entirely too calm for someone who had just condemned them both to a nightmare of an evening. "You must've cheated."

Remus exhaled a slow, measured breath and leaned forward, resting his chin on one hand. "Yes, because my master plan was to conveniently contract a violent illness, nearly die, and still manage to out-debate you despite missing a week of competition."

Sirius turned to James, feigning shock. "Brilliant strategy, really. We should all get deathly ill before exams."

Evelina ignored them, rolling her eyes. "Fine," she muttered through gritted teeth. "Fine. I'll go on the—uh—'mandatory social excursion,' if that's what you want to call it."

Sirius raised an eyebrow, his grin widening. "Nice try, Valentine. You can't escape the fact that it's a date, no matter how many creative phrases you come up with."

"I'm pretty sure that's a violation of some sort of wizarding law," Evelina shot back. "No one should be forced into anything with Remus Lupin."

"You're just scared you'll have a good time," Remus retorted, leaning back in his chair.

Evelina shot him a glare. "Not likely."

Sirius clapped his hands together. "Don't worry, we'll make sure it's the most excruciatingly awkward experience of your life."

Remus sighed. "Must you?"

"Must I?" Sirius echoed, looking personally offended. "Remus, mate, I live for this. You two are the perfect victims."

Remus sighed, rubbing his temples. "You're the worst, Sirius."

"Flattery will get you nowhere, Moony."

"We should make them follow a guide—steps to ensure maximum suffering." James grinned, enjoying this as much as Sirius was.

"I like the way you think, Prongs."

Evelina pinched the bridge of her nose, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like a swear word. "Can we just get this over with?"

Remus sighed, standing and gathering his things. "Might as well. The sooner we do this, the sooner we can both pretend it never happened."

"Oh, but it will have happened," James reminded him. "And we will never let you forget it."

Sirius leaned toward Evelina, smirking. "Just think, Valentine. You and Remus. Alone. Romantic setting. Meaningful conversation. Maybe even a little hand-holding—"

She shoved past him. "I will hex you."

"Love you too!"

Step Two: Set the Scene for Utter Discomfort

Reluctantly, Evelina and Remus found themselves trudging through the streets of Hogsmeade, the cold wind biting at their faces. Both wore identical expressions of dread, though neither would admit just how much they despised being forced into this situation.

"This is stupid," Evelina muttered, kicking at a stone as she walked. "I don't even know why I'm here."

Remus glanced at her with a raised eyebrow. "You lost. That's why."

Evelina scowled, pushing her hands deeper into the pockets of her cloak as they continued their slow, miserable trek. "For the record," she said, her voice laced with annoyance, "if I had won, you doing my assignments would've been a disaster. Your handwriting alone would've given me away."

"And if you had won," Remus shot back, "I would've suffered through your insufferable need for perfection. I think we're both equally doomed."

The notion of what was ahead made Evelina's stomach turn as they got closer to their first destination, Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop. As Sirius had foreseen, the store was a nightmare. It appeared to be straight out of a sickly beautiful romance story from the outside, with hearts and frilly drapes covering every available space. It was exacerbated worse inside by the overpowering lace and pink.

"Well, this is exactly what I imagined hell would look like," Evelina muttered under her breath.

"Don't knock it 'til you try it," Remus teased, grinning as they entered the frilly establishment. The sight of couples exchanging whispered words of affection and gazing at each other with doe eyes made Evelina's skin crawl. A cherub-like waitress greeted them immediately and led them to a tiny table in the corner, where the tablecloth was embroidered with hearts.

Before Evelina could protest, Remus had already ordered. "One 'Sweetheart's Delight,' with extra whipped cream and a dusting of rose petals," he said with all the seriousness he could muster, though Evelina could hear the slight amusement in his voice.

Evelina stared at him, unimpressed. "I hate you."

Remus sipped the drink with mock enthusiasm, unbothered. "Excellent. I do try my best."

Evelina stared at her drink, her eyes narrowing. "If you think I'm sipping tea with you and making heart eyes, you've completely lost your mind."

Remus, unphased, leaned back in his chair, eyes twinkling. "If we must suffer, we do it properly."

"This is torture," she muttered under her breath, rolling her eyes.

"It's delightful," he replied, just to be contrary. But even he couldn't hide the discomfort that was beginning to show. He shifted in his chair, glancing uneasily at the frilly curtains around them. "Okay, maybe it's a bit much."

The store was filled with pastel colours, lace, and couples laughing while sipping tea. Remus gave her a smug smirk in return for Evelina's unavoidable look.

Remus looked at her with exaggerated politeness. "Oh, come on. You don't want to break Madam Puddifoot's heart, do you?" He said as though he could read her thoughts, he spoke.

"Shove it, Lupin," Evelina muttered, her eyes scanning the room with growing distaste.

Five minutes

That was all it took for Evelina to decide that she was never coming here again.

Five more minutes, and she had learned some unsavory truths about Remus Lupin that she was loath to admit.

First, he had an annoying habit of being right.

Second, he was surprisingly good at casual conversation, which meant she had to work extra hard to dislike him.

And third—most annoyingly—he was, in fact, a decent human being.

Not that she would ever admit it.

"You're fidgeting," Remus observed, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips.

"I don't fidget," Evelina shot back, though her stirring of her drink might have suggested otherwise.

"You're stirring your drink and haven't actually taken a sip in five minutes," Remus continued, clearly amused.

Evelina scowled and stopped immediately. "Maybe I just like stirring," she muttered.

Remus raised an eyebrow, clearly not buying it. "Of course. How could I have been so blind?"

Evelina rolled her eyes and, begrudgingly, took a sip of her drink, which was far too sweet for her liking. "So, what now? Do we sit here in awkward silence until one of us caves and leaves?"

Remus tapped his fingers against the table thoughtfully. "We could try having an actual conversation."

Evelina narrowed her eyes at him, suspicious. "What, like normal people?"

"I know it's a radical idea," Remus said dryly.

Evelina hesitated. As much as she hated to admit it, talking to Remus wasn't the worst thing in the world. He was infuriatingly intelligent, had a dry sense of humor that rivaled her own, and—worst of all—he wasn't nearly as unbearable as she had built him up to be in her mind.

"Alright," she finally relented, sitting back in her chair with a resigned sigh. "Fine. One conversation. But if you make it weird, I'm leaving."

Remus smirked, tilting his head. "Define weird."

Evelina scoffed. "You're impossible."

He chuckled, clearly amused. "I've been told."

"By who? Other impossibly irritating people?" Evelina shot back, arching a brow.

Remus tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Well, Sirius says it at least once a day. James usually agrees. Even McGonagall's given me a look that suggests she's thinking it." He paused, then added, "Oh, and last week, a particularly disgruntled first-year called me a 'menace to society.'"

"Brilliant. You're collecting insults like Chocolate Frog cards." Evelina groaned, rubbing her temples.

Remus grinned. "Ah, but only the rare ones."

That was it. Evelina snapped. "We're leaving."

Remus, barely containing his relief, nodded. "Smartest thing you've said all day."

Step Three: Introduce Unnecessary Chaos

Desperate for an antidote to the suffocating sweetness of Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop, they darted into Zonko's Joke Shop. The air inside was thick with the scent of novelty sweets, enchanted tricks, and mischief, and Evelina, still nursing the aftertaste of pink frills, was grateful for it. But in her misery, she had completely forgotten that Remus Lupin, the insufferable prat, was one-fourth of Hogwarts' most infamous prankster squad.

Which, as it turned out, was a grave mistake.

Evelina glanced over at him, noticing his glinting eyes as he surveyed the shop with a grin that made her gut twist. "Why do you look like you belong here?" she asked, raising an eyebrow as he picked up a pack of self-writing quills.

Remus smirked, clearly amused by her suspicion. "I have friends who live for pranks."

"You don't even like pranks."

"Doesn't mean I don't know my way around Zonko's." He turned the pack of quills over in his hands, as though contemplating which one might be most likely to cause the most chaos.

Evelina scoffed, her frustration growing. She had known this outing would spiral into disaster the moment Remus had picked up a Dungbomb, pretending to examine it with exaggerated curiosity. She rolled her eyes, but before she could protest, she felt a surge of irritation bubble up and accidentally knocked into him. In that instant, the Dungbomb exploded, releasing a cloud of foul stench that immediately filled the shop.

Chaos erupted.

The shelves rattled as Zonko's most mischievous products came to life, and sparks crackled above them in a shower of fireworks. Students shrieked and darted around the shop, while Dungbombs were hurled between groups, creating an overwhelming sense of pandemonium. Evelina, caught off guard by the blast, ducked down, shielding her nose as best as she could.

"Lupin!" she cried, emerging from behind a stack of joke items, her face contorted in pure exasperation. She shot him a glare so venomous it could cut through steel. "You knew this was going to happen." Her voice was sharp, laced with disbelief and fury.

Remus, completely unrepentant, flashed her a wide grin. "Consider it part of the experience," he said with a shrug, clearly enjoying the havoc unfolding around them.

Evelina, now on the verge of both laughter and rage, punched him squarely in the arm, her irritation bubbling over. She shot him yet another look that could freeze someone in their tracks, then muttered through clenched teeth, "If I ever get my hands on another Dungbomb, you're my first target."

Step Four: The Accidental Couple Act

In contrast to the catastrophes of their previous visits, the Three Broomsticks was a warm and cosy refuge. Even the cheerful clatter of glasses and the enticing aroma of hearty food could not quell the seething tension between them, despite the pub's vibrant hum serving as a stark contrast to their own simmering annoyance. Slumping into their seats, their robes grazing the wooden floor as they walked to a little corner table. Madam Rosmerta arrived before either of them could say anything, her sly smile indicating that she had already assessed the situation.

"Well, well," she said, hands on her hips, the gleam of mischief in her eyes. "Didn't think I'd see the day."

Evelina opened her mouth, ready to protest, but before she could get the words out, Rosmerta was already filling their mugs with butterbeer, her expression a mix of amusement and expectation.

"We're not—" Evelina began, but the innkeeper was too quick, her attention already elsewhere as she expertly poured the frothy beverage.

"First date, is it?" Rosmerta teased, her wink making Evelina's face burn with frustration.

"Yes, it is," Remus cut in smoothly, flashing a polite but tired smile at the older woman. He leaned back slightly, clearly comfortable with the direction the conversation was going, much to Evelina's dismay.

Evelina nearly choked on her indignation, her eyes wide. "It's not—"

"On the house, then," Rosmerta said, giving a hearty laugh before turning on her heel and leaving them to their awkward silence, still grinning as she walked away.

Remus, looking far too pleased with himself, took his butterbeer with a polite nod. "How kind of you," he said, his voice dripping with the type of charm that made Evelina want to throw something at him.

She glared at him, her fists clenched under the table. "You absolute weasel."

"I'm just being polite," he said, his eyes twinkling with mischief as he took a casual sip of his drink. "And really, Valentine, why fight it? We just got two free butterbeers."

Without thinking, Evelina grabbed a napkin from the table and threw it at his face with a scowl. "You're impossible."

Step Five: Reignite the War

  After escaping the frilly nightmare of The Three Broomsticks, Evelina and Remus trudged through Hogsmeade, their bickering filling the cold air like an unshakable curse. Neither would admit it, but despite the insufferable company, there was a certain thrill in their verbal sparring—a game they were both too proud to lose.

By the time they reached Tomes and Scrolls, the bookshop tucked neatly along the cobbled street, they were both desperate for neutral ground.

This was the first place all day that didn't feel like absolute torture, though neither would admit it. Still, they were supposed to be suffering, so they kept up the performance, bickering over who was more to blame for their miserable outing.

That was until they both reached for the same book at the exact same time, their rivalry reignited like a fire catching dry parchment.

Remus reached for the book at the exact same moment Evelina did. Their hands brushed against each other on the worn leather cover of the rare, first-edition tome. It was instinctive, the way they both gripped it tighter, neither willing to let go, and both recoiled as if burned before narrowing their eyes at each other.

"You can let go now," Evelina said, tilting her chin up.

"I was about to say the same thing to you," Remus replied, raising an eyebrow, his fingers still stubbornly curled around the book.

"This is my find," she argued, her tone sharp.

Remus scoffed. "Hardly. I saw it first."

Their argument grew louder, the fire of their rivalry flaring up again.

"You've got to be joking," Evelina muttered, her grip tightening further, as if the book itself could somehow mediate this battle.

Remus sneered. "You don't even like Ancient Runes that much."

Evelina shot him a look of disdain. "You don't know that."

"You told me last week the subject was, and I quote, 'as thrilling as watching cauldrons boil.'"

"That was an exaggeration."

"It was an insult," Remus retorted, the corner of his mouth twitching in amusement.

Evelina huffed, her fingers curling stubbornly around the book. "Regardless, I saw it first."

"I highly doubt that."

"I said," Evelina's voice grew louder, "Let go, Lupin."

"You let go."

"I saw it first."

"No, you didn't."

"In what world? I literally grabbed it first!"

Their voices had grown so loud, attracting the attention of the elderly shopkeeper, Thomas Brown, who had been watching them with thinly veiled amusement. He was used to this; after all, the two frequented his shop more than most students, always searching for something to one-up each other with.

Thomas cleared his throat. "I'm afraid I can't sell this to either of you."

Evelina and Remus both turned to him, equally affronted.

"What—?!" she asked incredulously.

He chuckled kindly. "If I let one of you have it, the other will simply haunt this store in a fit of academic vengeance, and I don't have the energy for that today."

Remus crossed his arms. "So what, the book just stays here? No one gets it?"

"Unless you want to agree on sharing," Thomas suggested.

They both scoffed at the same time.

"I'd rather eat flobberworms," Evelina grumbled.

"Then you're free to browse," Thomas said with finality, leaving them with no choice but to awkwardly drift into the aisles, still simmering in unresolved rivalry.

Neither of them was happy about it, but they had no choice. Remus sighed and turned towards another shelf, leaving Evelina to her own devices—but he wasn't done being insufferable. Ever the strategist, he refused to let the disagreement die. If he couldn't win the book, he could at least ruin Evelina's experience.

Every time Evelina reached for a book, Remus would materialize over her shoulder, arms crossed and that infuriating smug expression in place. With a nonchalant glance at each book she picked up, he'd say, "I've read it."

She tested him. Pulled a random book from the shelf.

"I've read it."

Another one.

"Read it."

Evelina gritted her teeth. "Do you have nothing better to do, Lupin?"

"Not really," he said.

Another.

"Read that one twice, actually." Remus grinned. "The husband dies in the end. Tragic ending." He spoiled, watching Evelina's disbelief.

"Did you just spoil it?!" she exclaimed, her eyes wide in shock.

"What if I did?" Remus replied casually.

Evelina let out a sharp exhale through her nose, narrowing her eyes. "You're bluffing."

Remus merely shrugged. "Am I?" An innocent look on his face.

This situation has turned into a game, and Evelina was never one to back down from a challenge. If he insisted on ruining every book for her, she was going to find one he hadn't read.

She scoured the shelves, determination in her every movement. A few minutes passed, her hands flipping through the spines, searching, scanning, before her fingers finally settled on a book. She knew this one. Knew it well.

A slow smile spread across her lips as she held it up triumphantly. "What about this?"

Wings of Misfortune
By: Isla Darnell

Remus glanced at the cover, about to utter his usual reply, but then—she started talking.

Not in her usual sharp, competitive way.

"It's brilliant," Evelina began, her fingers brushing reverently over the spine. "Not just in the way it's written, but the way it makes you feel. It starts off so simple—you think you know exactly where it's going, but then it turns everything on its head." Her voice picked up in pace as she continued, her eyes alight with excitement. "The protagonist isn't your usual hero; she's messy, stubborn, and constantly making the wrong choices, but you root for her anyway because she's trying. And the way the author builds tension—Merlin, there's this scene in the middle where she's standing at the edge of a cliff, and you don't know if she's going to jump or be pulled back. And you feel it, you know? That moment where everything could go horribly wrong or finally, finally go right. And the way the magic system works—"

She continued, hardly stopping to catch her breath, her hands making animated gestures as though she could physically form the words into the air.

Remus found himself... entranced.

And, to his own surprise, smiling.

Evelina was so caught up in her enthusiasm that she didn't notice at first. But then, mid-sentence, she realized how much she had been saying—how fast she had been talking. A rare flicker of self-consciousness crossed her face as she quickly stopped herself, looking at him warily.

"You haven't read it, have you?" she asked, almost hesitant.

For the first time that day, Remus didn't smirk, didn't tease.

He shook his head. "No."

Evelina blinked. Then, without hesitation, she practically shoved the book into his hands.

"You need to read it. Immediately."

He chuckled quietly at her sudden demand, but before he could respond, she had already returned to the bookshelves and murmured that she was looking for more.

Remus stared down at the book in his hands before making his way to the checkout counter, where Thomas Brown raised an amused brow.

"That's a favourite of yours," Thomas commented, inspecting the title. "You've checked it out a fair few times before."

Remus stilled for half a second.

The realization settled over him like a slow, dawning warmth.

His eyes strayed to the shelves where Evelina stood, arms piled high with books, unaware of his watchful eye. With her brow wrinkled in concentration, she sorted through the titles with a keen, deliberate grace, and the candlelight flashed softly across her hair, temporarily casting it a shade of gold. She was almost captivating in her concentration and dedication to her work. She was immersed in her own universe, and every motion she took was exact and purposeful. She moved with a focused intensity that  Remus couldn't help but notice, the focused intensity in the way she moved, the sharpness in her every gesture.

Remus smiled to himself, a hint of amusement flickering in his eyes. Nodding to Thomas, he said casually, "Yeah. I really like this one."

SPEAKING; HEYY, haven't spoken on here for a while & I just wanted to say thank you sooo much for all the support for this fic! I'm glad you're all enjoying reading it as much as I enjoy writing it <33

SO HAVE FUN READING THIS HEHE