Dans room mate was... Well... gorgeous. His black hair feel against his forehead in the perfect wavey fringe and his dull blue eyes scanned the room that he would now be staying in. He looked disappointed. And Dan couldn't tell if it was because of him, or because the off white curtains didn't match the walls. It was probably neither but his mind assumed the worst anyways. It always had ever since he was a small child.

The doctor and his new room mate were busily conversing, but Dan tuned them out. All that mattered at the moment was how adorable the stranger looked in the fox sweater that was slightly too big for him. It hung around his wrists, blocking his hands from few. He looked warm, adorable and comfy. Like a teddy bear, ready for a cuddle but their was no mistaking the broken look in his dull blue eyes. Dan knew that look all to well.

"Alright phil." The doctor said, a huge cheesy smile on his face. "Get settled and then Dan here can give you a tour."

"H-hey-" Dan started to say in defiance, but the doctor had already left the room, hurrying on his way to a more important patient. Most of the emergency room doctors were like that. They didn't understand the "moody" teenagers and figured they were just doing it for attention. Dan had once heard the story of a girl who had her self inflicted wound stitched up with no anastasia. Now dan was left on his own, to show this new kid around. Figured.

"Um hi." Phil muttered shly, looking down at the younger boy. That's when Dan saw the black and blue marks, and cuts that littered his body. They looked fresh and painful. Some dried blood was on his pale lips. For some reason everything about this kid screamed vampire.

maybe he is a vampire the voices taunted. here to put you out of your misery. he's gonna bite a huge chunk out of your neck and the warm blood will slowly trickle down your chest.

"Hi." Dan said curtly, looking up at the boy from where he sat comfortable on his bed.For some reason the voices in his head were suddenly silent at the moment. As if they had just been cut off.

A moment of awkward silence weighed on the two boys, and Phil shuffled his feet, looking anywhere but at Dan.

"Aren't you suppose to give me a tour?" He finally asked, and Dan nodded sheepishly, pushing himself up from his way to comfortable bed. He shuddered from the instant gust of wind that traveled down his bare wrists.

"Yeah....yeah sorry c'mon." Dan let Phil lead him from the room, before jumping in front of him and staring the tour. In all honestly he was shocked he was even given a room mate. Generally a psychopathic, schizophrenic kid wasn't given a room mate. Instead he was given a bed with restraints and a handful of pills. That wasn't the best christmas for Dan, but that's another story for another time.

He lead phil down the hall, right to the cafeteria. The cafeteria then lead to a few different hallways.

"This is um...we eat here." Dan muttered, looking about the bland room. He saw the table were he and dodie had eaten breakfast and smiled to himself. They didn't have lunch together, but he planned to eat dinner with her tonight. Phil nodded, taking it all in.

"The hall way were were just in was the boys dorm." Dan pointed to the hallway across the room. "That's the girls dorm. The rest of the hallways lead to therapy rooms and class rooms." Dan let out a deep shuddering breath. "I'll show the way to your class when that starts, but it's Friday and Saturday and Sunday's are free days."

"Free days?" The older male asked timidly. He looked scared and unsure of his surroundings. Dan wanted to hug him, but it was against the rules. Any human contact was, but people rarely paid attention to that demand.

"Yeah. Only one therapy session and we get to choose."

"Get to choose?" Phil asked and cocked his head to the side, hair falling in front of his dull blue eyes. His voice was more monotone then expressive. It was utterly emotionless.

"Um yeah... We get to choose between stuff like music, or art, or writing classes. All expressive stuff."

Phil gave a curt nod, taking a deep breath. Dan thought about weather or not to say anything to Phil in order to comfort him.

tell him it's horrible here the voices whispered. tell him he's not gonna make it. tell him being here will kill him

"No." Dan hissed, fighting the horrible things the voices told him to do. Phil seemed nice enough, and he really wasn't to keen on scaring him away. Dan wrapped his dirty fingers around his hair, pulling on it gently. The pain always grounded him to reality.

"Hey..." The black haired male asked gently, putting a hand on Dan's back and rubbing in small circles. "What's wrong you okay?"

"C-can we go back to my-our room?" Dan stuttered, slowly unraveling his hands from his hair.

"Of course." Phil replied, leading the way back while Dan followed him sheepishly. He felt incredibly guilty about having a small, random break down in front of the new kid but didn't let it show. In stead he took four short breaths in, before holding his breath for four seconds like he was trained too. The square breathing was one of his copping skills, a word they liked to use a lot here.

The breathing techniques they taught him here really did help him calm down quite a lot and he used them often. Evidently he hadn't had a serious panic attack in a long time. They had taught him other things too, like how to get out of a crisis when in a crowded place.

Once Dan got to him room he rushed to his bed, and sat down, letting out a shaky breath, feeling much better to be back in his room. His home almost. He'd been in the hospital so long it really was his home.

"You...you ah okay now?" Phil nervously sat down next to Dan, gently rubbing his back again. The younger male leaned into his touch, enjoying the subtle contact he rarely got.

"I think so..." Dan said, but the voices said other wise.

no you aren't. you're crazy. you're mental

"Yeah I'm fine." Phil smiled numbly at that response and Dan put his head in his hands, embarrassed to death.

"I-I'm sorry for that...." He said, shivering. you're so weak. So pathetic.

"Hey don't be." Phil replied, his voice dripping with concern. "Happens to the best of us." Dan was genuinely shocked at how worried he seemed to be. No one was genuinely like that. Even the nurses and doctors faked all that soupy 'I'm so sorry bs'

"I um..." Dan scrambled to his feet, shocked by the sympathy from Phil. No one ever treated him like that. "I got to go." In record time he ran from the room, heading to the bathroom to be alone with his thoughts like always.

When he finally reached the cramped stall he let out a shaky breath and sat on the hard cold tile, resting his sweaty forehead against the even colder porcelain.

slam your head against the toilet the voices whispered. make yourself bleed Dan let out a strangled screech at these words, and pulled at his hair, desperately trying to get these voices to leave with no avail.

"Leave me alone." Dan pleaded, tears prickling in his deep brown eyes. Bile crawled up his throat, steadily threatening puke. All he wanted to do right now was sleep. Alone. Without a gentle stranger in the bed next to his.

"Dan?" Someone asked, and the boy groaned. Of course phil would come after him...of course.

"Dan?" The person asked again...only those voice was too high pitched. Too...girly.

"D-dodie?" He sniffled and lifted his head from the toilet.

"The one and only." She answered, calmly knocking on the stall door four times with her petite hand.

"B-but this is the boys room." Dan mumbled, unsteadily climbing to his feet and unlocking the door. It took him several minutes as his hands were shaking badly, but finally he did it.

"I don't give a shit." She replied, yearning a giggle from Dan, who frowned soon after at the unmanly action. "I came to get my maths homework back but saw you run from your room and got worried."

Dan nodded in understanding, completely forgetting about his homework, before bursting into tears.

"Dan Dan Dan Dan!" Dodie repeated, quickly stepping into the stall and wrapping her lanky arms around the tall boy. "Hey it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay." The older boy hiccuped into Dodies shoulder, and she gently set both of them on the cold floor, still holding tightly on to Dan.

"Just take deep, steady breaths okay." Her bandage hands rubbed small circles on the boys back, and slowly but surely he started to calm down. Eventually his heart rate became steady and so did his breath. With a sigh he rested his head against the toilet again, suddenly exhausted.

"Am I aloud to look at her like that?" Dodie starting to sing softly, her sweet voice dancing through the bathroom. Dan squinted his eyes, confused at the sudden music, but it slowly helped him calm down. "Could it be wrong when she's just so nice to look at?"

Dan hummed in enjoyment, his eyes now fully closed. Dodie was a surprisingly good singer-great in fact- and was marvelous at lullabies. "She smells like lemon grass and sleep. She taste like apple juice and peach."

Dan also found it pleasing that dodie was somehow part of the lgbt+ community. She was singing a song about falling in love with a girl, which lead to Dan to at least assume....

"You would find her in a Polaroid picture."

It would make it easier for him to come out as pansexual .

"And she, means everything to me. Yes she, means everything to me."

* * *

Dan woke up alone in the bathroom, a small amount of drool dribbling into the toilet water. He wrinkled his nose in disgust and lifted his head up slowly. For a few moments he was disoriented until he remembered how he had gotten into the loo in the first place, and his face burned with shame.

The voices had pestered him into a panic attack. Not the worst one he'd had but it certainly wasn't fun freaking out in front of his new room mate. With a groan Dan pushed himself off the floor, his mussels aching in protest from sleeping in such an uncomfortable position.

Quickly he did his business into the bowl and scrubbed his hands until they were bright red.

wash until they bleed the voices jeered, but Dan ignored them and just listened to the running water. It helped block out the horrible things they were asking him to do. He turned up the tap and sighed.

When he left the bathroom he didn't turn off the water and headed straight to the cafeteria. Luckily Dan had perfect timing and teenagers were scattered across the room, mulling about and eating dinner. Today it was subs.

Dan scanned the room for dodie in vain, and after several uncomfortable seconds of standing and staring Dan sat at the closest table near him, sheepishly looking at the array of food out for everyone, but stayed hungry and didn't move. He didn't know why, but he just sat still, listening to his stomach howl. He wished Dodie had been here to comfort him.

Some kids stared. Others paid him no attention. Dan didn't care. His head was pounding and his mussels screamed at him, as did his head.

rip your hair out the voices whispered. scratch your skin off.

With a submissive sigh Dan started to run his sharp nails down his wrists, desperately trying to draw blood without calling attention to himself. Tears prickled in his eyes and he stared straight ahead, pulling harder on his wrists. He'd had enough with the voices today, and just wanted to give up. He stayed like that for a while, completely zoning out. All that mattered in the moment was how much pain and harm he could cause to himself.

"Hey stop that!" Came a high pitched, scared voice jeering Dan back to his pitiful reality. It was Phil, his room mate. A red tray of food was in his bandaged hand and a cup of soda was in the other.

"I-I uh..." Dan looked up at the boy, frowning in shame. His cheeks burned bright red, and he quickly casted his eyes away, wrist bright red.

"Why were you doing that?" Phil asked gently, and put his tray down before sliding into the seat next to Dan. He picked up his fork and pushed the food around on his plate.

"It...um..." Dan stuttered, trying to come up with a logical excuse that didn't make him seem crazy. Sadly his brain rendered unhelpful.

slap phil. Hit him hard. Flip the table

"No no no..." Dan whispered and phil squinted his eyes at the younger boy. "No no no no."

"Dan?" He asked, growing pale.

pull the fire alarm. bite your hand. hit your head. scream bloody murder

"No please." Dan whimpered, covering his ears with his shaky hands. The voices hasn't been this horrible in a long, long time. "Not now."

choke yourself. stab yourself with Phil's fork. stab phil with the fork.

"Help me." Dan said pitifully, his voice just a mere whisper.

rip your throat out

"N-nurse!" Phil yelped, and jumped away from Dan, backing up in fear. His dull blue eyes were wide. The therapist with crazy, curly blonde hair rushed over, and forcibly made Dan stand up. The younger boy kept muttering no under his breath, his trembling picking up.

"Please I don't want to. Please."

"Dan, Dan you're okay." Mrs.Fletcher repeated, and gently pulled the kid away from the group that was now staring at him. She pulled him into a bare room with nothing but one of the uncomfortable hospital bed and hurried to call an emergency doctor. Luckily living in a hospital there were lots of doctors on call.

kill the doctor. hurt them.

"No no no no."

Before Dan understood what was happening a stranger was rushing into the room and their was a sharp pain in his neck before everything faded into black.

* * *

Dan woke up in a cold sweat. He realized with a sinking feeling in his stomach that he wasn't in his room. He was somewhere strange, and he couldn't lift his arms. He struggled and squirmed but nothing worked.

He cried out, and tried to see anything in the pitch black room in vain. He felt the restraints on his wrist dig into a wrists painfully. He was utterly alone.

At least the voices in his head weren't talking to him. Quite on the contrary actually. They were silent. They didn't utter a single word.

With a shudder, Dan squeezed his eyes shut, tears leaking from his brown orbs. He wasn't even going to try and wipe it away, considering the fact his hands were tied down. Numbly he realized the tears stung his checks, and his wrist ached something horrible.

With a small sob, Dan strained against the things holding him down, wanting nothing more than to pass out.

Suddenly he felt a warm hand gently rubbing his sweaty hair from his forehead. "Shh you're okay." Said some familiar. The voice sounded girly and light, but Dan couldn't see who was their.

"D-dodie?" He croaked painfully, coughing harshly. His throat burned.

"Yes it's me Dan. You're okay." She muttered in barley a whisper.

"B-but h-how?"

"That doesn't matter." She said gently. "Just sleep."

* * *

Dan woke up terrified of what he would see when he opened his eyes, but quickly realized his hands weren't tied down anymore and sat up in joy.

A smile spread on his lips and he stretched. He hadn't been this well rested in years and not a single yawn fought it's way through Dans body. Instead he radiated energy through out the bare room and looked out the window, watching the clouds go by. They seemed happy today. Just as happy as him.

They were all nice and fluffy, floating around the bright blue sky. Dan smiled up at them, and closed his eyes, humming in content.

"Nice too see you awake." Doctor fletcher said as she came into the room a while later, a bright chirpy smile on her face. Dan nodded in response, and stretched his arms to the celling.

"I started you on a small dose of some new medication" she explained calmly, taking Dans vitals. "You'll take it again at dinner."

"Okay." Dan replied, watching as Carrie put her cold stethoscope against the boys back making him shiver.

"You missed breakfast but I snuck a muffin for you." She said with a smile and pulled a blue berry muffin wrapped in napkin from the pocket on her white jacket. Dan smiled gratefully and devoured the yummy treat.

"Alright sweet heart you're all good." She smiled and patted his back. "Get on your way to therapy. You're scheduled for music."

Dan nodded again, and was about to leave the room, before he thought better of it.

"Hey um...Carrie whatever the hell they gave me last night it....well it feels great."

The doctor laughed, shaking her head of curls. "Well don't get use to it Daniel. That was a one time thing. Now go run along."

Dan did as he was told and hurried away, nearly skipping down the hall in happiness. He smiled at each of the hand drawn pictures that were hanging up and beamed when he saw that his old hand-turkey had yet to be taken down. the nurses fucking love that picture he thought to himself proudly and swaggered into the makeshift music room.

Their were about eight to ten chairs in a circle and each chair held a different instrument. The walls were covered with different art work from the patient's and a boom-box was pulled in, in the corner. The walls were a sky blue, and Dan could picture the fluffy clouds floating in the air.

He looked out the window anxiously as other patient's filled the room, but to his dismay saw not a single cloud in the sky. That was pretty unusual for London.

With a sigh he headed over to the nurse in the corner. He looked new and his glaringly bright red hair really made him stand out. His name tag read 'Luke' and he seemed somewhat scared to be approached by Dan, or any of the kids. Feeling pretty confident the brown eyed male walked right to to the nurse.

"I-is um..." Dan started, looking up at the nurse. "Is dodie in this class?" The younger boy was hopeful that his new friend would be in music therapy with him. After all she did sing him a song to help him calm down yesterday.

"Doodie?" Luke asked, mulling over his clip board.

"No..., um dodie. D-o-d-i-e-" Dan responded calmly.

"It doesn't look like anyone named dodie is in this class. Do you wand me to see if she's in another one?"

The brown haired boy nodded eagerly. "Yes, yes please."

Luke flipped through more pages on his clipboard mulling over the information, checking the art and writing therapy classes, but came up empty handed. It was several seconds before he replied.

"No, still no dodie. Sorry kid." Dan smile feel at those words and his brown eyes widen.

/you're crazy. you're mental. you're a freak. you made that girl up. you sicko/ Dan didn't answer the voices, and bit the inside of his cheek hard.

"W-wait!" He stuttered, ignoring the 'musical guest' (aka a volunteer who could play the guitar) that was instructing the kids to sit down and pick up an instrument.

"What?" Luke growled, growing impatient. He just wanted to sit down and listen to the crappy music that the kids played for a few hours.

you're just a nuisance. why don't you off yourself already?

Dan flinched, but took a deep breath. He would not let this worry him. No, instead he would stand up for himself and figure out what the hell was going on. He was not crazy.

"C-can you check again?"

not worth it.

"No." Luke replied bluntly, a small amount of guilt building up in his brown eyes. "Go sit down."

Holding back tears Dan did as he was told, and took up the last chair, bitterly looking at the triangle he was being forced to play. The piano, his preferred instrument had been taken by a girl with short grey hair and dark brown eyes. He glared at her the entire lesson, ignoring everything Bri, the Irish music teacher told them about music being a great escape and blah blah blah.

One the lesson was finally over Dan jumped up from his seat and was the first to leave the room, rushing down the hallways towards Mrs.Fletchers officer. Nervously he knocked on the door, four times for Dodies sake.

"Oh Dan what a surprise." The doctor said with a warm smile, and opened the door for the boy to come on in. Dan stayed put. "How was musi-"

"I need to ask you a question." The boy rudely interrupted the adult, nervously picking at his skin.

c'mon Dan you know this is stupid. It's not worth all this trouble. You're not worth all this trouble.

"What is it?" Her voice was soft and gently, just the way it was trained to be.

"I-is their a patient here named Dodie?"

"Not one that I know of." The doctor replied in her god damn whispery voice.

rip out her vocal cords. Make her scream

"W-well can you l-look it up?"

she won't find anything Dan. It's useless. You're useless

"Of course sweetie."

Dan let out a shaky sigh as Carrie headed to her computer, and scanned over the patient files. Anxiety clawed at Dan Howell and he fought the urge to throw up on the floor right then and their. Nothing could stop his hands from shaking. He closed his eyes and imagined himself among the clouds. The white, fluffy, puffs of air lifted him higher and higher into the night sky and he watched the stars twinkle by. The little vision helped him calm down momentarily but the minute he opened his eyes he was jeered back to the harsh reality.

He hadn't hallucinated people or situations in a long time. In such a long, long time but it seemed like suddenly that streak was going to be broken, just like his brain. The medication had stopped doing it's job and he really was crazy. He was bloody mental.

The loud typing of the key board just fueled Dans anxiety and bile slowly crawled up his throat. After what seemed like an eternity Carrie turned away from the screen, a worried frown on her face and Dan knew what she was going to say before she even opened her mouth.

Without a word he ran from the office and straight to the comfort of his room and the window with the clouds.