I was terrified of falling asleep.

When I dreamt, I dreamt of him. His gnashing teeth like sharpened blades, and beady red eyes that seemed to follow me even into the darkest pits of my mind. He was everywhere. Always.

And I fucking  hated it.

I could add Voldemort to the laundry list of people I hated on a daily basis. He sat up top with my idiotic parents, who failed whatever mission the dark lord assigned them. Alongside Nelly our nosey house elf who stole my cigarettes.

And of course Draco Malfoy.

I hadn't given two extra thoughts about Malfoy until today. We played quidditch together, and were in the same year at Hogwarts. We ran around the same friend group but otherwise rarely interacted outside quidditch practice and passing a joint at parties.

And somehow I have gone from not giving two shits about him and his escapades, to sliding him to the top of my list of most hated people.

It wasn't by any fault of his, to be honest. He had no idea my hatred for him had come along so suddenly after being almost friends for so long. He had no idea the sick and twisted knots my mind was winding itself into because of him. And he definitely had no clue about the ways I was plotting his death at this very moment. 

I turned from looking out my bedroom window, staring out at the dreary weather that matched my mood — and I looked down at the ugly dark mark that slithered around on my left arm. It wasn't my first tattoo by any means. I had nearly a dozen littered around my body in various hidden nooks and crannies, and of course my favorite portrait of the goddess Athena on my left shoulder blade. 

But god was it fucking ugly. 

I can thank my parents for this one, they failed whatever Voldemort had sent them off to do a couple years ago. Which left me to pick up the pieces of my broken family legacy. Sacred twenty-eight my ass, I'd give just about anything to be a muggleborn at this damn point. The second I turned sixteen and was mildly competent at magic, I was forced into this bloody cult of Voldemort's and this mark was slapped onto my arm. 

"I trust you not to fail me, as your parents once did."  Was what he said to me. He had just finished torturing both my parents before turning the wand on me, and I can still feel the lingering effect the cruciatus curse had given me even though this was well over a month ago. 

A month I have had to come to terms with this, and it hasn't gotten any easier. 

It takes a sick individual to ask a sixteen year old to commit murder. And even though I knew this was typical of death eaters, it didn't mean I was accepting this fate with grace. At first I fought my parents tooth and nail not to subject me to the same abhorrent  fate their parents had befallen them. Alas I was met with several smacks across the face and a few bruised ribs. 

It was not unlike my parents to be cruel. Their cruelty has only been highlighted by their own agonizing fear of death. Their fates left in the hands of their only child, the child they treated so harshly for so many years. 

My parents might have been nice to me when I was very young, this was not something I could vividly recall. I can remember my magic manifesting at age nine, I broke several kitchen glasses when I was angry at Nelly who wouldn't play with me. 

Nelly had rushed to clean up the mess, my mother however had already seen the damage to her antique crystal stemware. And even though a simple reparo could easily fix it, my mothers anger had gotten the best of her. She ripped my favorite toy apart in front of me before encasing it in fire. 

It hadn't gotten better after that. My parents were like two time bombs waiting to blow up at any moment.

My first bout with the cruciatus curse at ten when I broke my mothers lipstick.

A broken leg at age twelve when I lost the quidditch match to gryffindor.

Fractured wrist in fourth year when I wasn't chosen as Hogwarts champion, even though it wasn't even possible.

Various breaks and split lips. Bloody noses and bruised ribs. I was as sure my parents hated me as much as I was sure Harry Potter was simultaneously the most lucky and unlucky wizard in all of Great Britain. 

Today though —today I could forget about them for just a moment. As I was going back to Hogwarts. I could revel in the grand feasts and flying ghosts. The beautiful views of the black lake that surrounded the Slytherin common room. For just a moment I could feel at home, before this mission became all too real. And everything was suddenly life or death once again.

~

With my trunk packed and my cat, Freya happily perched atop it, I waited at the front door for either parent to take me to the station. I could easily Floo to Kings Cross if I wanted to, but for some reason both parents insisted on taking me every year. Like they needed to show the public they actually gave a shit about their only child, and were the golden couple of the wizarding community. 

I've felt their wrath before when I tried to go alone. It isn't worth the pain, and easier to play the dutiful daughter everyone thought I was. 

"I expect you have everything. I don't want to waste time owling you something you easily could have remembered." My mother droned on, walking as slow as humanly possible, her black dress flowing behind her. 

"Yes, mother." I answered, rolling my eyes. She stood silently beside me, waiting for her husband like the devoted little wife she was. He appeared only a moment later, his bald head towering over us, a chagrin frown across his aging face. I've seen photos of him in his younger years, and death eater life did not treat him kindly. 

"I expect you to do as the dark lord bids. I want that boy dead by Christmas, do you understand?" He growled, his imperceptible black eyes glaring at me with unspoken hatred. 

"I don't want to do this." I gulped. "Please don't make me do this. There's not coming back from—"

I was cut off by my father slamming my head back into the wall. I groaned but stayed steady in fear he would hurt me even worse before I needed to board the train. I've done a good enough job keeping my tragic home life a secret from my friends and my boyfriend, I wasn't so sure how good I would be showing up to the station with bruises across my face. 

"Do not question the dark lord. Do not question me." His voice reverberated through me, shaking me to my core. A beast in a designer suit, who would kill me without hesitation. 

After a beat I finally answered, "Yes, Sir."  

Without any more delay, my father latched onto both my mother's and my arms and apperated us to Kings Cross station. 

~

A silent goodbye to my parents and a silent prayer to the gods as I was out of their clutches for the first moment all summer.  I smiled as I passed by the lingering first years, too scared to find a compartment of their own. Familiar faces who nodded to me in greeting, and the palpable pleasant energy that just encased the entire train.

I found my people where I knew they would always be, the very back of the train, second compartment on the right. 

"Lexi!" Came the voice of Pansy Parkinson the moment I stepped into the compartment. Her long black hair practically smacked me in the face as she threw her excited arms around my shoulders. I smiled and hugged my best friend back. 

"I can't breath, Pans." I chuckled, taking in the scent of her new perfume. Pansy and I had just seen each other a month ago before I took the mark, we had snuck out and met at a club in downtown London. Thankfully I wasn't caught, but I knew Nelly knew I left, and by some grace of unfound luck she didn't rat me out. 

You'd think we hadn't seen each other in a year the way she squeezed the life out of me. 

"You look like you haven't eaten all summer!" She cried out, " Have you lost weight since I saw you last?" 

I hadn't really been eating much, but I wasn't going to tell her that. My stomach was in knots anytime I thought of the mission assigned to me. 

"Pansy, piss off so I can say hello to my girlfriend." 

I snickered as Theo yanked Pansy off of me, practically pushing her over to Blaise before wrapping his slender arms around my waist. "Hey, baby." He murmured into my ear. 

I sighed into him, latching onto the back of his dark blue henley. He was always my comforting place, there for me always. We had gotten together at the beginning of fifth year and been inseparable since. I'm not sure how well that will stick with me being assigned to killing one of his best friends. 

"I missed you." I mumbled, enjoying the kisses he peppered along my jawline. 

"I told you, you should have come home with me last year." Theo answered, maneuvering us from standing in the center of the compartment to me perched onto his lap. Blaise smirked at us before leaning his head back and closing his eyes. 

"You live all the way Edinburgh, My parents would have freaked." I lied way too easy these days. 

"My Mum loves you though." 

Edda Nott sure did love me. Not only was she a Voldemort sympathizer married to a death eater, she was more than ecstatic to know her son was dating a pure blooded witch who had recently been marked to serve the dark lord.

Theo was nothing like his parents for the most part. Though he detested muggle borns as he was raised to believe, he was not as outwardly cruel about it as other members of our house were. He didn't want the same death eater path that I was forced into (Though his ignorance of my mark will prove to be an issue soon enough) and actively worked towards marks that would serve him best outside of Hogwarts. 

I've seen his mother at meetings over the summer, and an arranged marriage was already in the talks between our parents. This wasn't something I was going to just announce to him, though I'm sure he wouldn't hate the idea at this stage in our relationship. 

"Maybe next summer." I suggested, giving us both some false hope that I wouldn't be dead by then. 

"It's a plan." He whispered, pulling me into another kiss. 

"Have you seen the tits on the Patil twins this year?" Adrian asked, suddenly shoving himself into the compartment. He had a cigarette dangling from his lips, and his Slytherin tie was loosely dangling around his neck that showcased several new hickeys. Slytherin's eternal playboy he was. 

"You're disgusting," Chuckled Theo, rubbing a hand up and down my leg. 

"They're bloody fantastic, I don't care if they are Gryffindors." Chuckled Adrian, plopping himself down between Pansy and Blaise. 

"Run out of Slytherins and Hufflepuffs already?" Asked Pansy with a snort. Pansy laughed but I knew she was secretly upset Adrian had never gone for her. The pair of us were the only two he hadn't tried to woo, me being  the obvious reason, and her I honestly had no clue. She tried to fuck him at a party once, and he brushed her off almost instantly. 

I don't think she even liked him in that way, she just didn't want to be left out of his list of conquests. 

"Almost." He winked in her direction, making her roll her eyes. None of us missed her clenching her fists at her side. 

"Where's Draco?" Blaise asked suddenly, causing me to tense up. "Tending to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb?" 

"He should be here soon," Answered Pansy. "Oh, there he is! Hey baby!" 

My heart stopped, watching the tall muscular seeker of the Slytherin team strut into the compartment like he owned the place. He had grown exponentially since I saw him last, his once lean frame had bulked up and he appeared to tower over everyone in the compartment. When his eyes met mine, a smirk passed his lips. 

I had this dirty little secret and he was standing there looking at me as if he knew everything I was thinking. Pansy threw her arms around his shoulders and pulled him into a sloppy kiss, his eyes still cautiously watching mine. 

The fact that her and Draco got together this summer made this mission all the more harder to complete. 

Fuck. Was the only thing I thought of as he sat down across from me.