Valentina Karas 

My parents already aren't home on weekdays very often, but they're spending more time at the hospital with Ronan than at home after work. Sometimes only one of them goes, but more often then not both of them are at the hospital and they leave me to fend for myself. 

I mean, I can kinda cook but I burn popcorn pretty often and I stay busy by doing my work, but without my family I'm kind of lonely. It's been less than twelve years since I was an only child. It never crossed my mind that I'd feel like one after all this time or at least Ronan would when I go to college. The worst part is that they're all alive, just not physically here.

Dead silence fills the house and let me tell you, it's uncomfortable. I wish my brother was still around to make fun of me and my parents' chatter filled the house, but we weren't dealt those cards.

You know how they say everything happens for a reason and they mean well but you know damn well those words won't make things magically go back to normal? That's how I feel. Why on earth would an energetic sixth grader with all of the friends in the world's life turn upside down out of nowhere? I highly doubt I'll get the answer as I'm studying for my AP Gov test, but hopefully there's a good reason why the fights between my parents are getting more intense and chemo's not meshing well with my sick brother's body.

At least the doctors are saying it's doing something for him. 

I've been feeling like the forgotten black sheep. At this point, my parents are merely my overwhelmed roommates who sometimes forget to say good morning to me. I know they don't have a choice but to tough it out and show up every day, but I really miss them.

Thank God for music that drowns out the silence and I can't believe I'm saying this, but even school's a solid distraction from it all. My friends can't relate to what I'm going through, but they're helping me keep my head up however they can.

At school, I can go pretend I'm the person I used to be and seeing my friends takes the weight off my shoulders. But the minute I pull up to my house and I'm greeted by silence and my parents' absence, the boulders on my shoulders weigh me down once again and the lonely reality sets in. 

My bed is covered in all of my AP Gov notes. After the Calculus test disaster, I decided to study extra hard for this test because Mr. Richards is still a mean excuse for a teacher despite knowing about my situation. 

An odd notification pops up on my phone, distracting me from my studying. It reads, Asher Mendez added you! I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not hallucinating, but the notification is still there and wants to taunt me for a while until I give in. When it hits me this is serious and the insanely hot Asher Mendez decided to take a chance on me, the freaking out begins.

The girls at the Mountain View party may not have been the most welcoming, but they're stunning. I felt self conscious around the off duty models I was surrounded by in the huge house, wondering why the hell he would pick me instead of them.

My phone dings with a snap from Layla and the noise startles the shit out of me. I figure since I've been studying for a while, briefly checking Snap can't possibly kill me. 

Layla Kumar: v I did something pretty bad and I have to tell you but you have to promise not to get mad

Her ominous text bewilders me beyond words. Layla has always been a loyal, supportive friend who I've never gotten into a major fight with. What the hell did she do that was that bad? Part of me is happy she's fessing up to whatever it is on her own rather than me finding out the hard way, if you will. 

Valentina: well damn layla, i can't promise not to get mad until you tell me what you did

I love Layla, but she's freaking me the fuck out with this ominous text. A wave of apprehension washes over me as I await her confession. Knowing her, she feels bad for something minor she did that I don't notice until she brings it up.

Layla Kumar: i'm sorry valentina.

Valentina: jesus layla. just lay it on me.

If she's stalling, it's probably pretty serious.

Layla Kumar: asher asked knox for your snap so i had to give it to him so if he adds you don't be surprised...sorry again

Layla Kumar: i feel horrible v. you're already dealing with enough.

I roll my eyes and smirk at my phone. How did I know it was going to be something stupid like that?

Valentina: that's it?

Layla Kumar: what do you mean?

Valentina: shit layla, i thought you were going to say something else

Layla Kumar: so you're not mad?

Valentina: for scaring the shit out of me yes, but you're literally fine that's nothing to get mad over

Layla Kumar: you should add him back and see where it goes. he ain't my man but he's pretty hot so go for it v!

How does she know about my feelings for him? Layla cut my brain open, revealing that Asher runs through my mind more than I've been letting on. The revelation that there's a chance he might like me back fills me with both excitement and worry. His interest seems enticing, but it feels too good to be true. After all, he goes to school with some gorgeous girls who don't have cancer wrecking every facet of their lives.

While I haven't been in a romantic one, I know relationships take hard work. With the right person, the arguments are merely curves in the road and the misunderstandings are resolved with a little communication. From observing my parents, a lot of time, thought, and effort goes into making another person feel cared about. 

In theory, being in a high school relationship sounds enticing, even to me. What a lot of people forget is that whether you're fifteen, twenty five, or eighty five, relationships are a two way street. I realistically can't put in the necessary effort without spreading myself any thinner.

Valentina: give me a good reason why i should add him back

I recoil at my text, knowing I sound like a bitch. Layla has good intentions, but I don't think a relationship is doable right now. But since I'm a good friend, I'll hear the poor girl out.

Layla: come on valentina, don't knock it till you try it

Layla: first of all, you're literally a senior and you can do whatever because you're on top of the food chain

That's not exactly how it works, but she has a point.

Layla: if nothing else do it for katelyn. she won't give up on the three man girly. 

Layla: also yolo??? don't get so ahead of yourself

Layla's reminder jolts me back to reality. She's right; I shouldn't get too ahead of myself. Rushing into dating Asher might not be the wisest move, especially considering everything else that's going on in my life, but there's no reason to ignore someone as hot as he is. Maybe I need to take a step back, talk to him first, and see where it goes. 

After I've adequately studied for my crazy AP Gov teacher's test, I add Asher back. Even though I'm giving up parties and football games in order to make Ronan's well being my priority, life is too short to let my senior year pass me by.

~

The next day's weather is perfect with the high in the mid-seventies, a relief from September's last traces of summer heat. Most people prefer either high heat or bitter cold but I personally like a happy medium. Too bad the weather's this nice for only fifteen weeks out of the year.

Not only was the weather beautiful; Mr. Richards wasn't cranky today as he distributed our tests. That means he'll grade them more leniently. Of course I trust my studying, but the old man doesn't particularly like me. He gave Katelyn a stare down when she walked into class with a giddy smile on her face but didn't comment.

When class ends, I ask Katelyn what has her so excited as we head to lunch. She tells me that tomorrow night, Sawyer's taking her on a date. 

"He texted me the reservation this morning and he told me to look pretty," she recounts. "It's at the restaurant where our first date was."

I give her a soft smile. "I see you, Katelyn. Have so much fun."

"Thanks," says Katelyn. "We're getting Italian. Between you and me, I'm a little worried I'll look a couple months pregnant when we try on dresses." 

Even though I laugh off Katelyn's comment, it kind of hurts. She has a body to die for: a perfect hourglass shape with sizable boobs and a fat ass like some kind of Victoria's Secret angel. Katelyn also eats a lot yet somehow has a flat stomach with light abs etched into it. I'm not skinny and I seldom complain about my weight, so there's no reason she should be worried about being a little bloated.

"What's the occasion?" I inquire. 

Katelyn shrugs. "I mean, our two months are coming up." Hearing her say they've been talking for almost three entire months is insane. Believe it or not, Katelyn was terrified of rizzing him up until Riley and I gave her a pep talk telling her to speak to him before it was too late. 

As we talk about her plans, life feels...actually bearable? I wish I could just enjoy the moment with my friend without that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I'm a selfish sister who doesn't give a shit about her brother. 

Speaking of which, I'm visiting Ronan after school today and tomorrow. I don't have a lot to do for the rest of the week and I'm sure he'd like it if I paid him a visit. For some reason I can't put my finger on why it feels like an eternity since I last saw him even though it has only been a couple of days. 

My phone buzzes in one of my side pockets with another snap from the lovely Asher Mendez. Since I took Layla's advice and decided to see what happens rather than force anything to happen before it should, he's been blowing up my phone. I don't really snap a lot of people, let alone boys. There was a point in time, however, when a handful of jackasses decided to pressure me into sending them nudes. Luckily they didn't get their racy pictures and the situation made their mothers wish their husbands wore a condom.

A giddy smile involuntarily plays on my lips when I glance at his name, sparking Katelyn's attention. "Someone's in a good mood," she teases me.

"Shut up." I shoot her a serious look and shove my phone in the cupholder with my Stanley.

Katelyn's pretty feisty today as she gives me a cheeky smirk despite the stern stare I'm giving her. She doesn't have to open her mouth to annoy me. 

"Let's keep talking about you and Sawyer," I say with annoyance mingling in my voice.

Katelyn shakes her head. "Valentina, you're dense if you think you're changing the subject. Why are you suddenly walking on sunshine?"

I groan in defeat, knowing that I can't keep this from my best friend. "Asher added me on snap last night. Basically," I tell Katelyn the full story from when I first got the notification to Layla giving me an aneurysm to when I finally came to my senses and accepted his request. 

After I'm done, she contemplates everything she's been told. "Valentina..."

"I thought you'd be happier than that."

We walk past four teachers and Katelyn thinks it's a smart idea to smack my ass in front of them. "Are you stupid? I'm so proud of you, girl!"

Heat blazes my cheeks as she makes a scene in front of the teachers who share bewildered looks among themselves. Despite Katelyn's embarrassing me, I act like nothing happened. "It's not a big deal. I mean, before Sawyer, you had a solid roster."

Katelyn scoffs at the mention of her pre-Sawyer love life. "This is huge, Valentina. But I'll admit, I kinda forced you to do this. I'm sorry. You're kinda going through it."

There it is again. My friends act like they get me, but they don't know half of what I'm going through. They reach out almost every day and all and I appreciate the sentiment, but I feel horrible for bringing them down because my life is kind of up in the air. Layla and Knox are married, Katelyn and Sawyer's relationship is in its honeymoon phase and from what I heard, Riley's going on a date with the Asian from the party. They get to go to homecoming, football games, and go out with attractive people. 

Rather than pitying me, I wish they knew how much I want to have fun, but the thought of doing anything without Ronan makes me feel awful.

"Don't be sorry, Katelyn." I shake my head.

Katelyn's lips form a tight line and a regretful look fills her brown eyes. "No. I shouldn't have pressured you into talking to him before you're ready."

"I wasn't pressured at all," I sputter. Katelyn opens her mouth, but I cut her off. "I mean, you were getting kinda annoying about it and I know that's how you are, but...I'm starting to like him."

"She admits it!" A few heads turn to look at us and people stop what they are doing.

"Katelyn, you're making a scene," I whisper, shutting her up. 

Katelyn rolls her eyes, that excited smirk still on her face. "Fine, I'll drop it. I'm so proud of you, girl!"

The attention I'm getting makes my cheeks flush, but I can't help but absorb her excitement and I mirror her smile. "He's a good guy," I say modestly. 

"He seems like a sweetheart," she concurs. "You should go for it."

My smile drops. "I wish it was that simple, but it ain't." When Katelyn raises an eyebrow, I explain my conflict to her. "I just feel like a shitty sister for being this excited about him, especially with what's going on with Ronan, you know?"

Katelyn nods, processing what I've told her. "That's understandable, but don't neglect your happiness."

I'm pretty caught off guard. "My happiness? I'd feel terrible, Katelyn. My brother needs my support and my parents need help keeping their heads above water. What if his cancer spreads or he takes a turn for the worst and I'm not there?"

Katelyn shakes her head. "You're doing an amazing job. Some people would let something like this turn them into a shitty person, but in your case, you haven't let it change how much of a great friend and sister you are." 

"Wow, Katelyn. That means a lot." A lump forms in my throat at her unexpected words of wisdom. Katelyn may always be the life of the party who always keeps things interesting, but behind the scenes she also has this way of making people feel like they matter. She has a knack for calming me down when I psyche myself out.

Katelyn squeezes my shoulder. "Focus on yourself a little bit more. You can't be the best sister you can if you're running on fumes."

Her words of encouragement replay in my mind throughout the day. Our lives look different, but knowing that Katelyn is one text or concerning snap away and I can lean on her reminds me that my family and I don't fight alone.

When the final bell rings, I head to my car. Each long drive to St. Gabriel's goes by a little swifter than the previous one as I get familiar with the route. Even the rush hour traffic has calmed down, getting me to the hospital sooner than I imagine. 

Ronan's nurse stands outside of is room and looks surprised to see me. "Valentina, what a pleasure to see you. I'm guessing traffic was pretty light today?"

"Everyone drove like Sid the Sloth and it was awful," I deadpan, earning a laugh from the petite nurse. "How's my brother?"

The nurse's smile drops, a serious expression replacing it. "Ronan's hanging in there. After his treatment, the poor thing threw up six times within a half hour."

"That sucks." Ronan complained about feeling nauseous after his initial chemo sessions, but never to the same extent as today. "May I see him?"

"Sure, but he might not feel all that social today. Last time I checked on him, he was asleep," she replies. 

Guilt fills me after hearing about Ronan's state. For a little while, I believed my unconditional support for my brother and my own personal happiness could coexist. I can't imagine enjoying my senior year knowing that chemo does its job, yet it messes with his body and is accompanied by vomiting and being bedridden for hours. His leukemia hasn't metastasized or spread anywhere else, thank God, but imagine if it did. The guilt of not being there for him in an emergency because I chose parties and football games with my friends over him and not being there until it gets too late is something I can't imagine living with.

I tentatively open the door and peek at Ronan's bed. Like his nurse said, he is fast asleep, wrapped in a Tennessee Volunteers blanket like a burrito. Ronan is a relatively heavy sleeper who can sleep through loud noises and my parents' screaming, but I'm still careful not to wake him up. 

My brother was already scrawny, but his arms just about look like sticks. Cancer hasn't robbed him of his optimism just yet, but it's clear he isn't the same energetic and athletic boy he was before chemo entered his system. Other than making him barf all the time, chemo bleached his lightly tanned skin so he looks more like a ghost than a human being and robbed him of his appetite, making him drop fifteen pounds in almost two week.

Settling into the chair next to his bed, I notice how you can hear a pin drop in the room. Other than medical machines' quiet hum, it's peaceful. Although the room is as sterile as it gets, there's a sense of warmth here. From the staff's outstanding bedside manner to the joy that fills the hospital, it's impossible to leave without your heart feeling full. I pull out my phone to keep me busy until he decides to wake up. 

My heart catches in my throat when I see a new notification from Asher, a mix of excitement and guilt flooding my body. Part of me knows that he deserves a chance; he's a good guy, but another part of me feels like it's wrong to be happy while my brother suffers.

I leave him on delivered and divert my attention back to Ronan. I get closer to his bed and whisper a promise in his ear: "There's nothing you can't do. We'll get through this."

The little gremlin's eyes flutter open and he manages a weak smile. "Hi," is all he can manage.

"Look who's up," I joke. "How are you feeling?"

"Terrible," he confesses. "I just want to see my friends again. Now that you're here, I feel a little better." Ronan carefully lifts his skeletal arm and pinches his thumb and forefinger together as a visual. 

We talk for a while, and though he's tired, he fights sleep to converse with me. We share stories about school, friends, and anything that might make him smile. For a brief moment, it feels like everything is normal, like we're just two siblings hanging out and not a boy fighting a battle against cancer. Moments of normalcy are few and far between and have taught me not to take them for granted.

A few hours later, it's completely dark out, indicating it's time for me to leave, I lean down and kiss his forehead. "I'll be back tomorrow," I promise. "Get some sleep for me?"

He nods, giving me a sleepy smile. "Love you, V"

"Love you too, Ro," I say, feeling a lump in my throat. As I walk out of the room, I take one last look at him, wrapped in his blanket, and silently vow to be there for him no matter what. Even if it means disappointing Katelyn by putting his needs first, it's the right thing to do.

~

hope we enjoyed the chapter

in the next few chapters, valentina will make a few impossible decisions regarding the people around her