*Oct. 4, 2015*

Camry P.O.V

I let the water run down my face as I cried. My life went from 100-0 real quick. I've never expected to lose so much in such a small amount of time. The pain I felt in my heart was a pain like no other. I never thought I'd have to live my life without one of my daughters. It's been a month since Chelsea died in the car wreck.

The settlement from Walmart came in the day before yesterday. It was $10,000,000, but that didn't mean anything. It couldn't take away the emptiness in my heart. I've had so many mental breakdowns within this month. I want to end my life but I have to think about my other child. I can't be that selfish.

Mariyah has been taking Chelsea's death, seemingly well. I figured it would dawn on her that Chelsea wasn't coming back after we left the hospital, but she's just been checking on me.

Amsterdam, Ciroc and Mary Jane has become my best friends. If Ciroc and Amsterdam weren't there, I could always depend on Mary to take me away. I've slowly stopped my therapy sessions. I stopped leaving the house altogether. There was nothing in the outside world for me.

I thank God every day for Anisha and Auntie Jay. Even Deona has been helpful within this last month. They take turns with Mariyah, taking her to school, picking her up and just making sure she's getting the love and support that I'm not able to give her right now.

Today, I plan on making a big step. I've been so cooped up in my room, that I don't even know what's been going on in my house.

I got out of the shower as the water became cold. I wrapped a towel around me as I grabbed my phone. I headed into my room and started looking for an outfit. I haven't worn a decent outfit in a while. Jogging pants and tank tops were greatly appreciated.

"Momma!" Mariyah screamed walking in my room like she did every morning.

Mariyah was dressed in a long sleeve shirt that said "Love PINK" by Victoria Secret. She had a black ruffled skirt with the matching "Love PINK" thigh high socks and her black and white Adidas.

"What's up baby girl?" I was coming out of my closet, catching her off guard. She hadn't seen me out of my bed in weeks.

"Ohh. I was just coming to check on you. To see if you needed something from the store. Me and Nisha were going for ice cream. Do you wanna com.. Nevermind."

I hated that I wasn't the mother Mariyah needed. She was so used to me being very active in her life that this was all new to her. I missed round one of her talent show and round two was in a week. I plan on making an appearance that one.

"Sure Ri, I'll go with y'all. Just give me a second to find my outfit like yours."

I put my sweatpants back in the drawer as I found my outfit like Mariyah's. Chelsea's outfit fell out as I pulled my shirt out. My heart stopped beating, as I could picture CheChe twirling around in her tutu. She would spin until she was dizzy, causing her to fall.

"Ummm Momma, I'll get that. Don't even look at it." Mariyah grabbed the outfit, sensing my uneasiness. She gave me a half smile and left out of my room.

I sighed and said a short prayer putting on my clothes. "Lord get me the strength to continue on with this day. Lord give me hope to look forward to more days. Lord continue to wrap your arms around my family and I. Lord we thank you." 

"Amen," Anisha said now standing in my doorway. "I thought Mariyah was having one of her days when she pretends you're coming with us but this," she waved over my outfit, "proves me wrong." Anisha smiled and hugged me.

"I just wanna thank you first and foremost, for always being here for me. There's no one in this world who I'd rather live with." Again, I started to cry. That's all I've been doing lately. I'm slowly losing my mind but I don't want to admit it.

I walked down the stairs and it was so clean. All of Chelsea's toys were put up somewhere. It looked to be dusted and smelled like pine-sol. I sat on the couch and dialed the number on the back of the Walmart card.

"Press one for your account balance." As I listened to all the options, Anisha rolled the blunt and passed it to me.

"Ri, go see if Deona ready," Anisha whispered with a slight laugh. Mariyah already knew why she was being sent off.

I put the phone on speaker as I lit the blunt. This was my first smoke session since the day Chelsea died.

"Your account balance is twenty-five million, eight-hundred and sixteen thousand, three hundred and forty dollars and seventy-eight cents. If you'd like me to repeat your balance, please press one. Otherwise, hang up or stay on the phone for more options." I hung up the phone as I inhaled the devil grass into my lungs.

"Damn girl you a millionaire," Nisha said grabbing the blunt from me and relighting it.

"Naw this shit can't ease my pain sus. It's a nice amount but what do that mean? Do I get my daughter back afterwards? No!" I felt tears trying to escape my eyes but I pushed them back down. I'm not crying no more today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the mall, I let Mariyah have whatever she wanted. We were currently in "Justice" per Mariyah's directions. If you didn't know her, you'd think she was fifteen years old trapped in a five years old's body. Instead of her going to buy toys and random things, she wanted new clothes, shoes and to buy her "baby sister" some items.

Somehow Mariyah found out that DeOna's baby would be her sister. She was excited that she'd be a big sister again but sad that Chelsea couldn't enjoy the same satisfaction of being an older sister.

"Ooh Mommy, Jaylah would be so pretty in this." Mariyah threw the four hundredth onesie in the shopping cart. I laughed as she picked up another one. Anisha smiled as she ate her pretzel.

"Good thing we dropped Deona off. Now she won't know what I got my sister until the baby shower."

After shopping for what seemed to be hours, we were headed home. "Buckle up everybody. First stop was the mall. Second stop, McDonald's." I said imitating a flight attendant.

"Momma I want a 20 piece chicken nugget with a shrawbewwy milkshake," Mariyah screamed as we turned into McDonald's drive-thru. Anisha looked at me and we busted into laughter. The fact that me or Mariyah couldn't pronounce the word, "Strawberry", never got old. I placed the order and pulled up to the first window. I got my debit card out my wallet and waiting for them to open the window.

"Twenty-four, sixty-eight is your total." The pretty girl informed me. She had a pretty smile and her goddess braids were beautiful. I handed her my card and seconds later she handed it back with my receipt. "Thank you have a nice day," she said as she smiled. I smiled back and pulled up to the second window.

I looked into the window and saw Kordell ordering food. I haven't talked to him in a month. I didn't like how he treated DaiShaunna. He told me at counseling that the only reason he came down here was because Dayshon got shot. Which it adds up because he was here but why didn't DaiShaunna know he was here? Or why didn't he attend his brother funeral? Why didn't he check on his sister?

"Cam, get the food," Anisha said nudging my shoulder. I looked up to grab the bags and noticed Kordell looking at me.

"Thank you," I said, handing Nisha the bags and pulling off. "Third stop, homeeeee.", I sang off-key looking in my rear view mirror at my daughter. I laughed as Mariyah covered her ears.

Mariyah and I's birthday is in two weeks. We have to plan something that will keep our minds at ease and away from the guilt of having fun without Chelsea. I owe her that much with me being absent this past month.

I have to be strong for Mariyah. I can't let go of my life. I have another daughter to live for. I might have lost my momma in May, my favorite cousin in June and my youngest daughter in September but I will not lose control of my mind.

I grieved after Chelsea's death, enough to heal my broken heart from all my losses. Now I have to come back together for Mariyah and Anisha, even Deona and Jaylah deserves a piece of my happiness. I'm determined to get myself on the right track.

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