My every waking breath is for her. About her. Every breath and heartbeat propelling me toward her. If I could, I would give the sun and the moon, I would give all of Prythian and the lands beyond it. I would give my very last breath to see her smiling back at me, just once. Not the smile she's saved for me, laced with discomfort and uncertainty. But the full Elain Archeron smile, the one that slowly blooms open like the first sign of spring. The dazzling smile that lights up her entire delicate face like the twinkling city all around us.

Like the flowers she plants in the garden of the river house. Everyone believes roses to be her favorite. But they're not. She loves the violets best, one of the first to bloom in spring. I can feel it, through the thread that connects us to one another. Her joy so palpable when she tends to her violets, that it feels as if it's my own.

It must have been the early hours of morning, as the sounds of both Rhys and Feyre on one side of the house, as well as Nesta and Cassian on the other side had long passed and given way to another silent winter night. So much so I could hear the snow fall. I laid in my bed, in one of the guest rooms of the river house, contemplating over and over why I couldn't just leave her alone. Why I still continued to show up to this house, this city, full of people who barely tolerate me at best. For her, for Elain. Elain. Elain. Elain. Her name reverberated along my bones like an unending tidal wave.

I turned to my side and allowed my eyes to slide shut, knowing full well that sleep would evade me despite my greatest efforts. It's always been that way, but it had gotten worse since the war. Since the fallout and what had happened to the court I once called home. I released a loaded breath into the darkness of the room. That's when I felt it, the tug on the thread between Elain and I. So stark I nearly jumped out of the bed and ran to her. But I forced myself to put on my jacket slowly, to breathe through my thundering heartbeat, to count the buttons, to do anything to calm myself so that she wouldn't scent my desperation.

Despite the impressive size of the estate, I needed no help finding her. My mate. I could find her anywhere in this world, with my eyes shut. All I needed to do was follow that tug. That voice, coming from somewhere deep inside of me, urging me. Go to her. Go to her. Go to her. I found her there, in the main study, where gifts had been exchanged for solstice just hours before. The room was in a ridiculous state, with paper strewn everywhere, boxes haphazardly thrown aside, and scattered empty wine glasses. Many of which belonged to Morrigan, judging by the red lip prints on the rims.

And there she was, in a dress of amethyst that delicately hugged her frame and then loosened into flowing skirts around her. She stood peering out the bay window, watching the snow drift past. I couldn't bear to be too close to her, the bond made it too difficult to breath, the primal need to touch her so strong that I had to remain on the other side of the room. I attempted to appear casual, despite my racketing heartbeat, as I crossed my arms and leaned against the archway.

"Elain" I called softly as not to startle her. Even though I knew I couldn't. She would've sensed me coming down the stairs. She probably would've even sensed me as I laid awake upstairs, restless in bed. She turned and her honey brown eyes found mine. Only, she didn't give me that politely distant smile that she displayed around others. No, this was the look she reserved for the rare times when we were alone. It was searching, curious, open. She took a step toward me automatically, likely a byproduct of the bond, before stopping herself in her tracks. As if she, too, needed to control herself. Although I knew that was wishful thinking.

"What happened?" I asked gently. Having sensed her pain as it echoed into my own chest. What many failed to notice about Elain, was that she spoke often. She talked and she talked. Nesta had all but called her boring. But she was wrong. It wasn't that Elain had nothing important to say. It was more that no one was quite listening. But I listened to her all the time. Even from my dwellings in the human lands. I couldn't hear her words, but it was more a melody that played in the back of my mind, soft and gentle when she spoke with Feyre. Strong willed and, sometimes irritated, when she spoke with Nesta. And timid but hopeful when she spoke to Azriel. Yes, I knew about Azriel. The others had convinced themselves that I wasn't aware of their budding attraction. Always evading the topic as if they were Azriel's shadows whenever Elain was around. I knew about Azriel but I wasn't angry. I didn't have a claim on her. Did it feel as though my soul was being shredded to ribbons by Tamlin's claws each time I saw them interact? Yes. But I would give anything to see her happy. Even if that meant sacrificing the very essence of me that was written into my soul by the Mother. The bond. I would deny myself my every need and desire to be sure she was happy.

Her lips quirked to the side as she contemplated her thoughts. "I..." she started, but then paused again. "You've been crying" I said, unable to stop my feet from moving in her direction at the sight of the red rimming her eyes. She didn't step back or flinch as I reached a finger out and swiped at a half dried tear that had streamed down her right cheek. Fires erupted across my bones, my skin, at the contact. Her eyes fluttered shut briefly and I felt her body release a breathe that she had likely been holding the whole night. They opened again and she spoke quietly. "He gifted me a necklace, a beautiful one, with a rose...but I gave it back. I'm not sure why, but his mood changes with me" she added solemnly. His mood changes, or his orders from Rhysand change? I thought to myself.

My heart lurched for her. And, stupidly, instead of trapping my instincts in a steel cage, I opened my arms for her. And surprisingly, against her better judgment, she leaned into me. Her scent of Jasmine and Vanilla enveloped me, nearly knocked me to my knees. I wrapped my arms around her gently as she lay her head on my chest. I willed my body to be still, pooled every ounce of strength in me to maintain my composure for her. "Is there something wrong with me?" she asked into my jacket.

"Hey" I said softly, pulling back and tilting her chin up to look at me with a finger. Her eyes again found mine and whatever was left of my better judgement shattered into a million pieces. "There is nothing wrong with you, Elain. You are kind. You're stronger than anyone is aware of. And you're...the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." Her breathe caught and she looked between my own eyes, searching, our souls twining as they did whenever one of us made the mistake of gazing at the other for more than a passing moment. Another byproduct of the bond between us. And then, she smiled. So bright and unrestrained that I could've swore the mountains surrounding Velaris sang, and I could've died in that moment. I could've died and not had a single regret, everything horrible I had endured across my eternal life, the mistakes I had made, all erased by that smile.

"Thank you" she said shyly, and a warmth spread through me at the sound of her voice again, like liquid honey. At the fact that we had been alone now for minutes and she hadn't shied away yet. Her hand drifted upward but she paused, thinking through her every move as I did with her. But she continued, by whatever force, by the cauldron or the Mother, she let her hand glide up to my face. My eyes closed intuitively and she ran her thumb over my eyelid. The one that encased the gold eye. The eye that made me freakish to others. But Elain never looked at me that way, never stared at it. She ran her finger gently over the scar. "I have something for you" she finally said.

She walked out of the archway and down the hall to her own quarters. I waited as she grabbed a large canvas and carried it, impressively given the size of it, in her arms back to me. She turned it to face me and my throat tightened. It was a painting of me, laughing with Feyre. Her hands were placed on her swelling belly as she sat on the couch in the study and I sat perched on the rolled arm of the chair beside it. "I showed Feyre this memory, in my mind and I...asked her to paint it. For you" she said, watching me carefully. "I paid her for it, of course. Though she made quite a fuss about that part" she added with a chuckle. It was beautiful, beautiful and so detailed. And Elain...she had saved this memory, had thought of it and called it forth, and asked Feyre to paint it. For me. There were so many words stuck in my throat. So many feelings threatening to expose themselves.  But I forced them down, quelling them with the autumnal fire in my veins.

"Do you like it?" She asked. "It's...it's perfect. Thank you, Elain." She nodded, her lips tugging up slightly at the corners, satisfied at the answer. "You're welcome" she said, dipping her chin. I gazed at her for a few more moments before I cleared my throat. "I should head back up" I murmured, against my deepest impulses. "Yes, of course" she nodded again, though her eyes did not leave mine. I forced myself to look away, to turn around, and place one foot in front of the other. Each movement away from her felt like dipping my entire body into a bath full of ice.

"Lucien" she called as I had made it to the foot of the staircase. I looked back over my shoulder. "Thank you" she said, her eyes lined with silver as she pulled something out of a hidden pocket in the folds of her skirts. I recognized it immediately. I had gifted her the pearl earrings for her to open in front of the others as not to embarrass her. I knew her well enough to know it was best to leave the real gift somewhere she would find it later and open it alone.

She held the real gift in her hand. The deed, to the cottage. Her sisters hated that dilapidated place. They all assumed Elain did too. But she didn't. She loved everything in this world, the good, the bad and the ugly. She missed sleeping so tightly next to her sisters that she could feel their breathing. She missed seeing her father every day. It wasn't perfect, in fact, it was often awful. But Elain found the good in everything. So I bought it and the land around it, and fixed it up. I left the bedroom drawers, her fathers figurines on the mantle of the fireplace, and all of Feyre's paintings. But I fixed the roof, the floors, added necessities. I made it livable again. Comfortable. And it's hers, to do whatever she wishes with it.

"Thank you, Luc. Truly." My heart stuttered at the name she'd called me only a few times before, when we were alone. I nodded, my chest both tight and full at the same time. I forced myself up the stairs, down the hall, and into my bed. And then, only then, did I release the breath I had held, the breath that kept everything I wanted to say to her, everything I wanted to do to her, at bay. And only then, did I smile to myself. A smile that mirrored her blooming grin.