Sometimes you regretted trying to save Feyre from Prythian, regretted travelling through the wall and being caught trespassing in the Spring Court. You had a choice of death or staying as it was clear that you weren't going to be going back to the village alone without trying to get Feyre again. It was almost a blessing though. Your life at the Spring Court, although terrifying sometimes was a lot better than that at home. You wished for nothing and if you hadn't been there, you wouldn't have met Lucien who saved your arse more times than you'd like to admit and resulted in the two of you getting along better than you thought you could with a High Fae.

Feyre was the first to notice that you liked Lucien and with a little pushing from your friend, you admitted your feelings and the two of you ended up in a happy relationship.

Maybe that wasn't the time you regretted crossing the wall. Maybe you regretted when you were sent back with Feyre, tearful and broken at losing Lucien but soon the two of you were to return to save them both from their captivity under the mountain. Amarantha had no reason to keep you alive other than as a ploy to keep Tamlin's second in command in line, keeping you as a prisoner, only released to watch Feyre's torture in the form of her trials or whenever Lucien was punished for his behaviour to try and keep you and her safe.

Part of you wished you had died under the mountain. Part of you had died. The part that felt happiness, the part of you that saw the good and the part of you that wanted to keep going. When you returned to Rosehall, only the shell of you was able to escape. You no longer knew how to smile or to laugh, even when you lay in bed in Lucien's arms you didn't feel the happiness that you once had, but instead you felt nothing.

The only time you could feel was when you were awoken in the middle of the night by the nightmares and mental torment that appeared like clockwork. That night was no different. That nightmare plagued you with Feyre's second trial, with her panic of illiteracy but she hadn't been able to complete it, she had failed, and you were forced to watch her, and Lucien die brutally before you and listen to Amarantha's mocking towards you.

You were awoken in a cold sweat, gripping onto the covers and waking up Lucien as you did so. By now he was used to the routine. You had nightmares every night and ended up waking him up with most of them.

"You're safe."

Lucien repeated the words over and over as he wrapped his arms around you until the tears and shaking seized and you were back to your numb form. He gently laid you back down, stroking your sweat sodden hair until you were able to fall back into the tormented sleep again.

~*~

Written by Charlotte.