When Rhysand brought you into the ranks of his inner circle, you tried to fit in best you could, and it worked well. You became best friends with Mor within your first conversation, got along with Cassian like a house on fire, learnt what generally annoyed expressions of Amren's meant that she liked you and with Azriel... well things were more than you first anticipated. You were friends, the same as you were with the others of the inner circle, but you certainly felt for him differently than you did the others.

You weren't sure what had first drawn you to the Illyrian, but you fell for him quick, and you fell for him hard. You never mentioned it though. Not only did you not want to endanger your friendship but there was so much turmoil across Prythian that you didn't have time for love and affection, you needed to work and do what was needed and appreciate the relationship you had instead of trying to form different ones.

Part of you regretted ever thinking like that. When you ended up Under the Mountain you could only think of the life you could have had with Azriel if you had been brave enough to admit how you felt. Everyday under the mountain, you questioned if Velaris and those inside of it would continue to stand strong whilst you and Rhys were stuck trapped under Amarantha's reign. It hurt to watch Rhys having to be seen as her whore when you knew he was willing to lay down everything to make sure that his home and his people survived. You weren't sure at what point you gave up hope. Even in your secret conversations with Rhys and his certainty that one day you would be free and back in Velaris, you had lost any hope of seeing anything past pain and suffering.

You had been freed from under the mountain, but you knew that part of you would forever be stuck there. The part of you that felt joy and happiness and held hope and naivety was gone from you. You had been forged from the blood of those murdered and brutalised by a tyrant, created into a hardened form of the person you had been before you were captured. You weren't overjoyed seeing your friends again, you were relieved they survived, that Velaris had survived, and you were grateful that they hadn't been stuck where you had.

Although you tried to reintegrate into your old life, you weren't the same person and unbeknownst to you Azriel was very aware of that. He voiced his concerns to Rhys and even though he assured him that you were just scarred from what you had been through, he still couldn't help but be suspicious of you. It didn't take long before you noticed his watchful eye. You had once been hyperaware of him because you wanted to know if he loved you how you loved him but now you could tell he was watching you liked you had something to hide. You did.

You were trying to go about your day when you noticed him watching you again. You were angry. You knew you weren't a danger, weren't someone that the spymaster needed to observe but you were far more annoyed by how sloppy he was being.

"Maybe if you're going to spy on me, you should try to not be so fucking obvious about it," you snapped at him.

He had known he wasn't being as careful as he should be, but it was you who he was watching, even if he thought you were suspicious, part of him would always see the person that had been there before your capture.

"Maybe you shouldn't make me have to spy on you," he responded.

You scoffed. "What have I done?"

"I know that you're hiding something," he stated. "I just don't know what yet."

He had picked a bad day to question you, to mess up enough for you to feel the need to voice that you knew he'd been watching you. You took a few heavy steps towards him until you were practically chest to chest.

"What do you think I'm hiding?" You spat. "Are you accusing me of being a spy for Hybern, planning to kill you all whilst you sleep? Or are you worried about my mental state after being a toy for Amarantha to get a rise out of Rhys, to be beaten and laughed at by her and her little friends until I lost any hope of ever coming back here? Or maybe I've been hiding something longer than I was stuck in that shithole?"

"You've changed and I don't know in what way. You aren't the person that they took," he said. "Rhys said that they broke you, but I don't believe you would be here if you were completely broken."

"Azriel, I have a reason to stay, and it isn't to report back to the enemy."

"Then what is it?"

You took one deep breath and gave up the last part of you that still worried about ruining your friendship, about feelings and emotions and thinking the worst thing that could happen was being rejected.

"I love you! Is that what you wanted to hear?"

~*~

Written by Charlotte.

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