Third person pov

Rasa had converted the bomber via casserole, and all was right in the world. They were having tea. Crumpets. Those tiny finger sandwiches you could eat a hundred of and still crave more. Rasa had taken the terrorist in question in as a casserole apprentice, and that was that. No violence required. No imprisonment. Just casserole, and two dudes chilling in their heelies. Bonding. Manly bonding. This was the true way of the kage. Peace, serenity, and casserole.

"And you know what she said as she left me?" The terrorist— Rasa still didn't know his name— asked. "She said she was taking the cat. My cat. Who the fuck does she think she is?"

"Fucking bitch." Rasa gasped with all the required dramatics. No wonder this poor man had turned to terrorism! If Rasa were in his shoes, he... actually, he didn't think he'd blow people up over a cat. But if someone dared touched his children, he was pretty sure he'd flip his proverbial lid and lose his shit. A pet cat was basically the equivalent to a child, so Rasa could see the connections. He had the brain cells required to figure this one out.

"That's exactly what I said." The terrorist stressed, all but slamming his cup of tea down. "She took my cat anyway, too! And now do you see what happened?"

The terrorist gestured wildly towards the window. Rasa pursed his lips, squinting at all the smoke a debris. What was he looking for here? Why gesture out the window? He really hoped this wasn't foreshadowing to a planned suicide the terrorist was plotting. They'd just met and become friends! Losing him would be devastating!

"Hold on, I've got this one." Rasa insisted, still searching. The terrorist raised an eyebrow. "Don't tell me. I know the answer to that question. Give me two minutes."

"I blew everything up." The terrorist said dryly. Rasa let out a gasp, standing up and out of his seat. The tray of crumpets went flying. The finger sandwiches were now all over the floor, and Rasa's tea splashed down onto the table with a sizzling hiss that made the terrorist flinch in surprise.

"You blew everything up?!" Rasa all but screamed. "That's terrorism!"

The terrorist opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again, looking confused. Rasa started to pace. Terrorism, in his own home, performed by his bestest friend! He never would've assumed! How could he fix this mess? He needed to do damage control, and the best way to do that was to—

"You!" Rasa whirled around and pointed an accusing finger at the terrorist, who was mid tea sip. "I need to make two hundred casseroles, and you're going to help."

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"Any day now would be great." God said idly, his voice bouncing around the void space. Kakashi hummed in acknowledgement, but still continued to read on. Seriously, this work of art wouldn't exist at the time he went back to. He had to try and sear every line into his brain while he still could. Wasn't God supposed to be all knowing? Seemed like a sham, but that was none of Kakashi's business.

"Does it look like I'm done yet?" Kakashi asked, still not looking away. Could god even see? Holy shit, maybe god didn't have eyes and he was being offensive. Which would be horrible if Kakashi actually cared. He didn't wait for an answer. "No, I didn't think so. You know, I teach all my students patience."

"I'm God." God said in a bland tone, stating the obvious and giving Kakashi absolutely no new information.

"Wow, I didn't notice." Kakashi's voice wasn't sarcastic, but it was far from serious. He has things to do, books to read. God should've consulted him before taking him here to see if he was free, because it was pretty clear Kakashi was busy.

"I could smite you." God was genuinely considering it. He really would, but he was pretty sure the guy would just come back to life. How many times had he died and come back to life now? Last god checked, this wasn't supernatural, and Kakashi's name wasn't Sam or Dean. Which, okay yeah, wrong universe, but the point still stood! He'd tried killing this man off. It didn't work.

"Then do it." Kakashi didn't sound at all concerned, which was worrying in and of itself. He just flipped another page in his book. He was literally reading porn in front of God. Did he have no manners? "I'll just come back."

God sighed, but only because he knew it was true.

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"Oh my god, he's blackout drunk." Orochimaru'a voice sounded overly gay for some reason. Why, Sasuke didn't know. He wasn't going to ask. He was too preoccupied with trying to coax Itachi off the top of the fountain. He was trying to use the thing as a water fountain, but the pressure was too high, so he kept getting sprayed in the face. Sasuke was about 90% sure he'd almost drowned three times now.

"No shit he's blackout drunk. Stop standing there and help me get him down already!" Sasuke was too short for this. Not to mention he was down a limb, which was making this a lot harder than it needed to be. Damn him for having too much chakra. He'd just climb up the flow of water if he had any control whatsoever. But he didn't, and he didn't want to pay the bill when he inevitably blew the fountain out of the ground.

"Sasuke, I'm thirsty." Itachi insisted. He looked and sounded completely sober. He was anything but. He'd proven that when he'd asked what Sasuke's tongue was and how it got in his mouth. "I'm going to die from dehydration."

"You're really not." Orochimaru said in a pitying tone. Sasuke growled slightly, ripping another flower from the planter next to him and throwing it at his brother. It smacked him square in the forehead, but all Itachi did was grab it and shove it in his mouth. Orochimaru hid his laugh with a cough.

"No!" Sasuke screamed as Itachi began to chew the flower. Was that poisonous? Cancerous? Both? He hasn't assumed he'd go all 'goat' and chow the fucking thing down!

"Vegans these days." Orochimaru shook his head as Sasuke lunged, grabbing onto his brother's leg and successfully getting himself doused in ice cold water. The snake sannin wished he had popcorn. Maybe a soda to wash his laughter down with. It was a shame cameras weren't big in this time. He could've blackmailed the entire Uchiha family. They'd become a joke if everyone knew their heir ate flowers on top of a public fountain while drunk.

"I'm not vegan." Itachi insisted, smiling. "I'm vegetarian."

"Itachi?!" A drunken voice called. Orochimaru twisted around to see none other than Fugaku Uchiha. He was being escorted by a Uchiha police officer. The Hokage and Shikaku Nara were with him as well, looking just as intoxicated as the head Uchiha was. Orochimaru guessed the truth had been too much for them. Sad life. Becoming an alcoholic at this point actually didn't seem like too bad an idea. The sannin would definitely add that to his to-do list, right under world domination.

"Father!" Itachi wouldn't remember a shred of this in the morning. By the way Fugaku was stumbling, he wouldn't either. "I am an underage drinker!"

"I am an overage drinker!" Fugaku let out a bellowing laugh. Orochimaru took a step back as Itachi kicked Sasuke off his leg, sending the one-armed bit plummeting into the fountain below. Itachi didn't seem to notice it or care, instead standing up atop the fountain and waving his arms wildly as though his father couldn't already see him.

Precariously, Orochimaru leaned over the edge of the fountain to see if Sasuke was still alive in there. He blanched when a pair of Sharingan eyes glared daggers up at him. He slowly leaned back.

"Alright, cool." Orochimaru decided, wondering if he'd get out of this alive. He severely doubted it. Not much of a loss if you asked him, but details, details.

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"I say we give up on finding Itachi and go look for Kakashi instead." Naruto proposed. "I mean, if Kakashi is going to be the one going back in time, we'll just cease to exist anyway. No harm, no foul."

"Did you just say something smart?" Shikaramu looked genuinely surprised, which somehow made it all the more offensive. The blonde boy gasped. "I thought all your brain cells died out when Kurama brought us back."

"Shikaramu!" Naruto exclaimed, bringing both hands up to protectively hold his head, as though it were his child. "You'll offend them!"

"There you go again, proving his point with your idiocy alone." Kurama sighed with something like fake awe.

"Why do you both hate me? Did I do something? Was it because of that one time where I almost killed you with a Rasengan, because that was an accident." Naruto swore.

"Which one of us are you even talking to?" Shikamaru rose an eyebrow.

"Uh, both of you, duh." Naruto rolled his eyes. Shikamaru rolled his right back. He was pretty sure Naruto came close to killing just about everyone he met.

"Whatever, let's just go find Kakashi. We should try transferring Kurama to him, since we won't be able to go along." Shikamaru grumbled, massaging his temples. He was simultaneously too young and too old for this bullshit, which was about as complicated as it sounded. Imagine being stuck in a tiny body, but having the mind of a full grown man. Was this how midgets felt? Was that all he was now? A temporary midget?

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down there, you little shit." Kurama held up a paw despite the fact that Shikamaru could neither see or hear him. Naruto's nose scrunched up. "I'm attached to this pineapple lookin ass. I don't want to be sealed in a pervert."

"Pineapple lookin— I don't look like a pineapple! That's Shikamaru!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Your hair is yellow and spikey. Pineapples are yellow and spikey! Shut the fuck up!" Kurama flushed. "I don't know any other yellow vegetables."

"A pineapple isn't—"

"Besides, that porn-addicted teacher of yours isn't anywhere we'll find him. God abducted him." Kurama huffed. Naruto froze. Shikamaru rose an eyebrow at him.

"What is it? Is he refusing to transfer over to Kakashi?" Shikamaru asked. He didn't give a shit what the fox wanted to be honest. He's force the demon into Kakashi if that's what it took. A violation of most rights? Absolutely, but that wasn't going to stop him. He was already a wanted man. A wanted child, maybe? He didn't know!

"That bastard!" Naruto shook his head, looking pissed. "God stole Kakashi-sensei!"

"God?" Shikamaru rose an eyebrow.

"Shut up and kneel with me. We're going to pray until that rat bastard gives him back!"