Third person pov

Obito screamed as someone, or something, jumped on his back. Whatever was on him screamed back, punching him in the head. Obito felt his heart drop. This was it. This was the end. The gays had tracked his scent, and found him in the woods. It was all over now. Fighting it was futile. Now that they had a grip on their prey, they'd never let go. Not even the kamui could save him now-

"Chidori!" Sasuke flew out of the trees, and Obito immediately stopped screaming. Okay, so Orochimaru was on his back, not someone from the bar. This was good. Maybe now he wouldn't die. He felt a little upset though. He'd been genuinely terrified! What if it had been that man in the wig, huh?!

"You can't stop me now that there isn't a raging gay on my back, Sasuke!" Obito laughed manically, dodging the blow from the man-turned-boy with relative ease. Suddenly, the fact that he had an actual grown man on his back didn't seem that bad. In fact the pressure made him feel less stressed. Like a weighted blanket or jacket. Less anxiety this way. 

"Don't be too sure about that, sugar." Orochimaru licked Obito's ear, and the Uchiha froze again, letting out a shrill scream soon after. Orochimaru was a gay?! When?! Obito could have sworn he'd just been a gay pedophile before. He was going after grown-ass men now? Why? Obito was screwed. The opposing team had a gay man on their side, and that terrified Obito.

"That's disgusting." Sasuke said. "Orochimaru, don't lick people! We've been over this! Jesus Christ. I'm going to laugh when you get aids from this. Obito is like, the most evil person ever. He totally has HIV!" 

"No I don't." Obito immediately denied. He didn't have AIDs or HIV or whatever the hell Sasuke was implying. Although he probably did now, seeing as Orochimaru had licked him. He knew that's not exactly how you got HIV or AIDs, but like, it was Orochimaru. Apparently he could rape people without even touching them. He was a scary force. One that Obito really hadn't planned on reckoning it.

"You wanna bet?" Sasuke narrowed his eyes. There was no way someone as dirty as Obito didn't have some sort of sexually transmitted disease. Plus, he probably did after spending so long on that bars floor all tied up with that rope they'd borrowed from than man with neon-purple hair. Sasuke didn't even want to think about where that rope had been, let alone the tape they'd used to cover his mouth with had been used for.

"Bring it on, pipsqueak." Obito's eyes narrowed at his younger relative, who cracked his knuckled threateningly. Orochimaru didn't really know what to do, but Obito didn't push him off, so he just stayed there. It was kind of warm anyway. Plus, it was a free ride to the hospital, where they were apparently going. Although Orochimaru really had no idea why. He guessed they were getting tested.

~

"Why the fuck is Suna so damn hot?" Rasa asked as he walked back into the village. People all greeted him brightly, excited for their leader's return. They didn't get too close, however. Gaara was still at his father's side, looking rather tired of having to deal with the man. Anyone who knew the new Rasa couldn't blame the redhead. The man went on nonstop about the dumbest shit.

"Probably because it's in the middle of the desert." Gaara answered dryly, clearly not amused. He spotted Kankuro and Temari in the crowd, but he didn't get his hopes up. He knew they still feared him in this time. That didn't stop him from being happy about seeing them, especially since they were all safe and sound in this time. Ah, the joy of having family members that hadn't been brutally murdered. It was truly a luxury.

"Father, you're back!" Temari scurried forward, but stopped. "Y-You really did bring Gaara with you! Are you okay?!"

Kankuro seemed hesitant to join his sister, but did anyway, glancing at the awkward Gaara. Rasa let out a booming laugh, which was weird to everyone surrounding because Rasa really had no sense of humor. He hadn't really even smiled since his wife's passing. Him laughing in such a manner was an extremely rare occurrence. So rare that this was actually the first time it had ever occurred-

"Oh, Gaara is harmless!" Rasa scooped the redhead up, earning plenty of shocked gasps. "Look at him! He's just a little cutie with a temper is all. Aren't you? Yes you are." Rasa hugged him, and Gaara frowned at the baby talk.

"Put me down before I remove your head from the rest of your body." Gaara said stonily, earning more gasps. Rasa was pushing it too far! He was going to get himself killed, and then they would be without a kage! Who would control Gaara with Rasa gone? Only his golden dust could counter his sand! 

"Awww, so cute." Rasa placed a wet sloppy kiss on Gaara's cheek before dropping him. Gaara landed on his feet, letting out a hiss of protest, wiping at his cheek. Temari and Kankuro gaped. Their dad had touched Gaara, and he wasn't even dead! That, and what was with the sudden personality change anyway?

"Now." Rasa clapped his hands together. "Who wants some casserole?"

~

"There's no way he'll be dumb enough to show up here." Jiraiya insisted as they walked back towards the hospital instead of teleporting. Naruto claimed that Shisui was in too fragile a state for that kind of stress right now. Shisui now sat next to Hidan, shivering as the Jashinist awkwardly patted his back. Why did he always get stuck with the sucky jobs?

"Even if he does, why are we bringing them for backup?" Tsunade scoffed. They were bringing almost the whole bar with them, and evidently Tsunade didn't appreciate that. Naruto thought it was nice, all the support they were getting.

"They volunteered." Kakashi shrugged, still reading his porn. 

"Oh great. More people to die." Shikamaru grumbled dryly, earning an eyeroll from Naruto.

"Whatever. You guys are all non-believers. It's gonna be fine!" Naruto assured. "Now, mush!"

"Brat, I will bite your fucking head off with my own damn teeth if you dare treat me like a fucking dog again-"