Third person pov

It's not that Obito wasn't a match for the men and women of various sexualities flying his way, it's that he was... well, he wasn't sure. They were terrifying to say the least. They flew at him in flurries of rage, and he was having trouble knowing when to Kamui. It's not like he could hold the jutsu forever. He supposed he could get Shisui's eyes later.

"Gack!" Obito ducked under what looked like a giant purple dildo. He gagged slightly. He didn't want to know where they had been, or why someone had decided to bring it in here. "I told you, I'm not a rapist!"

"That's exactly what a rapist would say." A woman hissed, eyes blazing.

Obito had to admit, she was right. 

~

"Shit, shit, shit." Orochimaru cursed as he and Sasuke ran through the woods. Sasuke ran like any ninja would, and the Uchiha couldn't fathom why the sannin would choose to pump his arms rather than bend himself down at a nearly ninety degree angle. It would make him faster, he wouldn't use as much energy, but he supposed it didn't matter. At least he'd go down far after Orochimaru did should they be caught.

"Go faster before I leave your sorry ass behind." Sasuke hissed at him, ducking under a low-hanging branch. Orochimaru hissed right back at the Uchiha, shoving a shrub out of the way, almost ripping it out of the ground. Sasuke deadpanned. If he could rip rooted bushes from the ground with a swipe of his hand, why couldn't he kill a ROOT member or something?

"Leave my ass behind? Excuse me? Is that any way to talk to your mother?" Orochimaru seemed genuinely offended by Sasuke's harsh tone, even though he probably should have been used to it by now. The Uchiha's face twisted into an expression of slight disgust and confusion, and also a little bit of understanding as though maybe something about Orochimaru's questions had actually made any real sense.

"You're not my mother." Sasuke said, eliciting a laugh from the sannin. 

"Oh, honey." Orochimaru shook his head, wiping a faux tear from his eyes. "You're so naive."

The Uchiha was mildly freaked out to say the least, although he wasn't about to say anything. Instead he closed his mouth, turned to face forward, and kept running in silence. Orochimaru took this as a win. Satisfied, he humphed slightly, picking up the pace. He wasn't ready to die. At least not yet. 

~

"Go!" Naruto shrieked. He, Shikamaru and Kakashi all sat on Hidan's bed, along with Jiraiya who was barely managed to hold on as Tsunade sped them straight out of the hospital. Nobody was too sure how she'd managed to get the bed down the stairs without accidentally killing someone, but nobody was brave enough to question the situation.

"I'm going, dammit!" Tsunade hissed back at him. "Where the hell are we even going?!"

"The stripper place!" Naruto was extremely specific, as per usual, and it earned him many groans from the people surrounding him. Save for Kakashi, who was too absorbed in his porn to care about much of anything. Hidan envied him greatly. Kakashi could leave if he wanted. Hidan? Hidan had been stabbed and now couldn't move without wanting to throw up from the pain.

"It's a bar, dammit!" Shikamaru shook his fist, and Jiraiya looked vaguely interested.

"Give me directions, pineapple boy." Tsunade demanded. Of course she knew the boy's name. Shikamaru Nara was probably the smartest man in the village, or maybe even in the entire land of fire. But recalling names was such a pain in the ass. She could remember pineapple boy so much better! I mean, had the kid seen his hair? Was that even natural?

"Okay, you know my name." Shikamaru grumbled. "My dad is gaining on us."

"Kakashi, it's time to sacrifice the porn. Give it to me." Naruto grabbed for it, fully prepared to chuck it right at Shukaku's head. Fugaku wasn't far behind, his Sharingan blazing as they somehow struggled to catch up with the rolling hospital bed weighted down by people that had some pretty shitty wheels on it.

"Kid, I've got explosive tags." Jiraiya said, deadpanning. He was very glad to see Naruto again, of course, but a part of him didn't want his precious creation to get thrown at the head of a man who would no doubt throw it to the ground without a care. Shikaku Nara wasn't one for porn. At least, not to his knowledge.

"I know, but Kakashi-sensei has barely said a word since he got here." Naruto whined, wanting to have a conversation.

"Well Jesus-fucking-Christ, I can't imagine why he'd want to have a conversation with your intuitive self and smart self." Hidan scoffed sarcastically in a way that made Tsunade snort slightly, and Jiraiya roll his eyes. 

"Exactly." Naruto somehow managed to completely miss the sarcastic part of that sarcasm-filled statement, instead nodding his head at Hidan with some sort of newfound respect that Ex-Jashinist really didn't want. Shikamaru was too busy giving Tsunade directions to the bar while they tried to lose two not so happy clan heads to really care what everyone else was talking about.

"Mah, mah, Naruto. If you wanted a conversation, you could have just asked. I'm very good at multi-tasking." Kakashi turned a page in his book, his lone eye never leaving the page.

"See? No problem." Jiraiya gave some sort of shrug. Hidan stared at the sannin, wondering how he was managing to stay on this bed without falling off. He was also curious as to how everyone had managed to comfortably cram themselves on his bed withoutcrushing his legs. Seriously, Shikamaru was the only one physically touching him at the moment. He just didn't understand. 

"Guys, what if Shisui caved and let Itachi go?" Shikamaru asked as Tsunade took a very sharp right, followed by two sudden lefts that left everyone just a tad bit confused as to where they were. They'd never been in a high-speed chase between two powerful clan heads and a bed before, so they weren't used to any of this. It made sense that they'd get just a little turned around.

"We're screwed to hell anyway. What the fuck's it matter?" Hidan shrugged.

"He has a point." Tsunade said, and Jiraiya nodded in agreement. They had no plan. They were probably zipping straight towards their deaths. This was fine. It was fine.

Kakashi simply turned a page in his book.