Task Description:

Tributes must face their worst fear.

I am going to take a second and be really thoughtful and deep:

Nobody knows for a fact where humans came from, some people support evolution, others intelligent design, me? I’m about to propose a new theory. I am quite sure that Earth is the dumping ground for aliens who were so stupid they were rejected from society. Sadly, I don’t think the UFO’s are coming back anytime soon.  

Do I have data to support this theory? Duh. Just look at everyone around you with the exception of me. Elvis and I are the one fabulous exceptions. The morons who decided to tie me up were the opposite. In fact they were probably the poster children on Krypton for stupid people. I was not a happy camper. I was a pissed camper. A very pissed camper. Tying me up was not the best way to ensure your safety, in fact it guaranteed I would stab your eyes out with a fork.

For now though I settled on making obnoxious, borderline rabid sounding noises. I even began to foam at the mouth. “You guys didn’t do that great.” The Ate-Us said, sneering at the long line of soon-to-be dead-meat-people that sat tied up beside me. I let out a large burp, he paused trying not to act like he heard it. “It collectively took us twelve minutes to find all thirty of you. I think it’s time for a new game.” He raises his eyebrows glancing at Sushi Girl.

I interrupted her before she could pick up where he left off. “Yeah? Well I’d like to see you do better, Pretty Boy!” I yelled, wishing I could kick him in the balls again.

Sayuri raised her eyebrows and glanced over at Aitius whose shoulders stiffened. “You all need a place to rest, yes? Go on then,” She addressed us finally, purposely not looking at me.  She snapped her fingers as the man steps forward to untie us. “You’re all going to sleep inside of an attraction. Other than the funhouse of course.” She smiled, I looked at her still bloody scalp and smiled as well.

I decided to cause some unnecessary trouble for them. “Why? Is there a PHONE in there?” I yelled, emphasizing the crucial word phone. A low mumbling ran across the lines of trapped civilians. Aitius’s eye twitched as he looked over at me with a look of malevolence, I made sure to send him the impossibly annoying smug little kid face. “I think there’s a phone in there.” I added just to make sure I had conveyed my point.

Aitius successfully managed to get the first person untied- a woman with broccoli colored hair who just kind of looked up at the sky obliviously, then started to wander off. “Sleep well, my friends.” He yelled at her as if he wanted her to run off in terror and she wasn’t acting scared enough. “Your worst nightmares will be with you tonight.” Yeah. She was still walking away, studying everything like she was a high tourist.

He shook his head and continued uniting people until he made it to me. I grinned evilly, I was going to seriously mess up his face- no! I would beat it until the flesh got so bruised that I could reconstruct his face to look like mine! Mwahaha! He hesitated as if sensing my dastardly plan and looked over at Sayuri. “Do you want the honors?”

She rolled her eyes, like she was just going to shrug it off- then stopped as if a brilliant thought had just occurred to her. An evil smile spread across her face as she strode over to me like Beyonce at the superbowl. “Hey twerp. You’re going to to pay for scalping me.” She smirked drawing her hand to hit me.

Furry coursed through my body- how dare she?! I watched her hand swing her hand toward me, I opened my double jointed jaw (you’d be amazed at how useful it is) and caught her hand in my mouth like it was a Big Mac. I clamped her weak flesh between my teeth she screamed and began whacking me with her small purse. Her hand tasted like chicken…yummy. Maybe I would be a cannibal when I grew up.

Aitus took this opportunity to untie me- I believe that is the only reason I let go of her hand. I jumped at Aitus like an evil version of batman and bit his nose while simultaneously kicking him in the balls- I’m a ninja like that. Sayuri the sushi girl screamed, “Save yourself! I think it’s rabid!” and promptly threw her hands in the air and ran fucking for her life.

“Ahh! My poor face! My poor beautiful face!” Aitius was screaming, “Why my face?” He screamed desperately trying to push me off him. I felt his flesh peel under my teeth as  they were forced backwards by his buff arms pushing against my pudgy face.

I fell backwards and he ran screaming. I got onto my hands and knees and began chasing him down laughing maniacally as I went. He spun around a corner and disappeared from my view. I grinned, he probably thought he was safe just because I couldn’t see him anymore. Little did he know my great grandmother was a police dog- I had inherited her strong sense of smell. I stuck my nose to the ground and began tracking the pretty boy. The overpowering scent of hair gel and Nicki Minaj perfume wafted into my nose. In that instant I knew I had found my trail.

I scurried along the trail, wishing I had a large wedding cake to much on right now- I did not enjoy being hungry. Oh well I would just have to settle with the taste of victory when I caught up to Aitius, whose trail was growing stronger with each passing minute.

A scream broke into my ears, I sat up with sudden interest as a small girl who resembled one of those creepy porcelain dolls from horror movies came screaming around the corner. I raised my eyebrows in interest as six russian dudes in black suits darted around the corner hot in pursuit. They easily overtook her, surrounding her like a herd of velociraptors surrounding their prey. The girl sank to her knees, cowering in a ball and crying.

This was getting intense- I wished I had a huge bowl of  movie popcorn to stick my  mouth to munch on right now.  

“Anastasia Reznikov, you have been charged with being afraid, and now will face corporal punishment. Any last words?”  The biggest man squeaked, trying to sound tough. I resisted the urge to laugh because the dude sounded like he had eaten helium.

In response Anastasia screamed, clutching her hands to ears as if she screamed loud enough they would go away- which was a pretty darn good plan. My ears were virtually bleeding, and I was pretty sure that if I wore glasses they would have shattered and blinded me. The smallest black man that reminded me of the Duke of Westleton from Frozen (OMG, I LOVE THAT MOVIE I WILL NEVER LET IT GO!!!!  BITE ME YOU HATER!!!! THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD HAVE MADE IT BETTER WAS IF ELVIS PRESLEY PLAYED ELSA!!!!!) laughed deeply with a voice that reminded me of Darth Vader and yanked a taser from his pocket.  He grinned as a burst of electricity shot from the device lighting up poor little Anastasia like a Christmas tree. Her screams increased as her body flopped like a fish. I watched her skin turn a ash color as her convulsing slowly came to a halt. The men laughed as they pocketed the the wonderful instrument of death (that I was now strongly wishing I owned) and walked away.

I hoped I could get one with Elvis Presley's face etched on it.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a small flicker of movement. A boy with blonde hair walked out from behind a shack, stopping as he saw the charred remains of the russian girl.  He started running around in circles screaming while waving his hands in the air. I watched in grotesque fascination as a bird turd landed on his eyes. The screaming intensified and he ran into a wall- then another wall- and finally accidentally impaled himself on a how that was just randomly lying around. He writhed in agony as he bled out through his stomach a pool of blood forming around him. He forced his bloodshot eyes open and they darted to me. “Help!” He begged.

I backed up a step. “Sorry dude, but these are custom made leather boots. If I went over to help you I’d get all bloody and gross. Besides, you're going to die anyway. Why not die now?” I informed him as he broke into a fit of hysterics. Man! Some people were such drama queens.

I adverted my eyes from the simpleton. Man, these people were dropping like flies! It was only then did I notice the funhouse, well that was creepy. It must secretly have legs and be stalking me because I didn’t notice it when I first looked up and I notice everything because I’m just fab like that.

I stared at it, my brains doing some quick calculations:  

I had been told not to go in there = I must go in there.

I grinned, getting to my feet and running toward it, giggling maniacally as I advanced on my prey. Out of nowhere a strong gust of wind blew me over, sending my tumbling backwards. I looked up to see what had caused the strong currents of wind and my jaw dropped.

It was a huge 10 foot butterfly. Its grotesque face twisted into a grin as its mouth opened and it said the most terrifying words I had ever heard, “Bobby, I am your father.” It closed its mouth and then opened it again and a cheap pop cover of Elvis’s masterpiece “Burning Love” played.

My eye twitched. How. Dare. He. Suggest. Such. Blasphemy?! And then play it?! Fear and anger coursed through my body as I came to the inevitable conclusion: I was going to declare a Jihad on the butterfly from hell.

“FOR NARNIA!!!!” I screamed charging the butterfly, pushing aside any thought of logic, or common sense. Only one thought raced through my skull; kill the butterfly. I grabbed a stick and began beating the butterfly with all my might.

The butterfly never stood a chance. It crumpled with moderate ease, it let out a moan that sounded like a dying cow. But I didn’t stop there. I ripped its wings to smithereens, grabbing them in my hands and ripping them apart as if they were no more than notebook paper. The butterfly from hell howled in agony, I laughed grabbing scissors from a nearby booth dicing its legs off, one inch at a time.

After that I ran to the special effects booth and grabbed a beautiful little flamethrower. I wasted no time in sprinting back over to the butterfly who lay moaning on the ground. It looked up at me, “You were supposed to be scared of me.” It moaned, miserable. “Those freaks told me I would get to chase a stupid little kid around! Not be mauled by Satan.”

I remembered I was afraid of butterflies… I had been so furious I had forgotten. I shrugged, kind of surprised with myself. “I forgot.” I said rather dumbly. (Which allow me to remind you I AM NOT)

It frowned at me, making its ugly eyes wide. “Please spare me?”

I grinned, going back to my normal self. “You should have thought about before you decided to play a cover of The King that was sung by a woman using too much autotune.” I sneered coldly, readying my aim.

“You’d better not, Bobby. I am your father I will ground you until you die if you dare to burn me alive!” It yelled suddenly in one last meager attempt to save its life.

I grinned evilly, “Yeah right. Oh and one last thing, my name is Skullcrusher. Get it right.” I pulled the trigger and smiled blissfully as it’s head burst into flame. I skipped around it merrily lighting every other part of it’s body on fire too. I smiled watching the butterfly writhe in agony one final time before he lay still, collapsing into ash. The smell of burning skin wafted into my nose, as I stared at the bonfire, feeling my emotions begin to stir within me. I frowned, then I pushed them aside with a blossom of happiness welling within me. I could make smores now! I turned away from the fire heading quickly toward concession stands, anxious to find the ingredients before the fire died.

As I walked through the streets of dying people, a bizarre thought occurred to me; was it normal to enjoy burning people alive with a flamethrower? Or causing them bodily harm by kicking them in the balls? Was it normal to be so obsessed with a dead guy? And was it normal to have a possessed butterfly as a father? I shook my head rolling my eyes, of course it was normal of course it was…. I have no idea who I would ever think it wasn’t. And so, I walked to get s'mores to roast over my burning father’s body like the perfectly normal person I was.