Task Discription:

Tributes are paired to fight to the death.

It all started when I wanted to go to McDonalds and realized that I was locked in.

Don’t you dare look at me like that. I am one thousand and twenty times smarter than you, Joe Biden and your grandmother combined- which is like really smart. I just never thought about the fact that I was probably the only willing player in the game these annoying simpletons called ‘Death’. I mean it’s such a fun game! Well… actually it wasn’t fun when Minion died….

Whatever. I don’t care. I’m too fabulous to care.

Aren’t I?

Let’s move away from that subject, it does not amuse His Future Majesty Skullcrusher. Skipping forward to the bottom line; upon reflecting upon the day’s events as I laid snuggled in a nest of pillows and clothing items I had made for myself that evening; I decided that I deserved a Big Mac. After all, I was exerting all of my ninja strength and otherworldly unicorn powers on dominating in this game. Then again, if you want to get technical, the emperor always deserve a Big Mac.

And so I rolled from my place of rest and began making my way towards the gates screaming the lyrics to Elvis Presley’s masterpiece “Hound Dog”. A few people screamed at me to ‘shut up’ because they needed their beauty sleep or whatever, this only encouraged me to sing louder. I was the only one who needed his beauty sleep, for I (along with being your future ruler) was also the fairest in the land. While I am aware no one even came close to me as far as beauty, I never missed the chance to widen the gap.

I found myself increasingly proud of myself  as I recalled that even though it was rapidly nearing 12AM, Mcdonald's would still be open- but what did that have to do with me being proud of myself? I enforced that all McDonald's in the Surfside Valley area be open twenty-four/seven. What? You thought that was an executive decision to make more money? No, that was mwa. Threatening people that you will eat their children is a surprisingly effective way to get what you want.

So, I make it to the gate and I (get this) can’t open it. I tried everything! I kicked it, I gnawed on it, I took a giant blow torch and tried to melt it- it still sat there. Mocking me. It appeared to be under some type of magic forcefield… after all I was unable to break through it…. It was most definitely voodoo.

Sadly for the gate voodoo has never been able to stop me from getting a Big Mac in the past - it is just another long story we don’t have time for. I decided the best course of action was going to get a trailer and drive it into the gates like a battering ram. I am such a genuis.

I turned to walk away to go find the largest most lethal looking trailer I could find and hotwire it. Then I remembered the gate- I couldn’t let it think it won! I spun back around and faced it. “You will live to fear my wrath, gate!” I yelled shaking my fist at the dishonorable gate.

The gate said nothing.

I smirked spinning back around on my heal, I’d scared him so bad he was speechless. I had that effect on inanimate objects. They were way smarter than people in that way, people never knew when to hold their tongues around me, and we all knows what happens when people can’t hold their tongues around me; I pull them out.

Anyways, I turn around and come face to face with Aitius. My natural warrior instinct screamed at me to kick his balls so I did. Sadly instead of getting to watch him writhe on the ground in pain, he just smiled smugly at me and asked, “Would you like to kill someone, small, deranged child?”

My ears perked up and I completely forgot about my Big Mac for the time being. “Really?” I asked hopefully. Perhaps killing someone would make me feel better…. Then again I didn’t like Aitius’s tone, or his use of descriptive words toward me. He was clearly blind. I had no sympathy for the handicapped. I was going to kill his family. With shish kabob sticks.  

“Yes really-” He started but I cut him off by yanking his jockstrap off and pounding his balls with my steel toed cowboy boots. I yanked his arm and flipped him onto the ground. I watched as he curled into a ball (pun completely intended) and his face flushed scarlet. I threw my  head back and laughed, feeling a little better.

That was when my spider sense failed me; someone snuck up behind me and threw a feedsack over my body. One second I was innocently beating a man who looked like a Disney prince, the next I was in a bag. I banged my fists against my chest like Tarzan letting out a war cry, how dare they? I felt myself lifted off of the ground. I grabbed the material and began gnawing my way through it. This person would pay! They would all pay! I would suffocate them to death with donuts!

“Great distraction, Aitius!” An all too familiar voice said. Apple-Head, I thought, yanking a small hole in the bag. “Shit! He’s eating through the bag! Get him in the confined area quick!” He shrieked, I felt my body slam against his legs as he began to run. I hope they bruised.

I reared my head back and growled, summoning my inner hulk strength, ripping ferociously at the weak fabric. I heard a metal door swing open and I peered through the small hole I  had torn to see that I was heading rapidly toward a food trailer that read ‘Pizza, Pizza, Pizza!’

Wow, creative title for a pizza place, it must have taken them forever to to think that one up.

I was thrown inside, my body crashed against the cabinets that lined the trailer and an enraged howl escaped my lips as I clawed my way out of the godforsaken bag. I threw myself at the door the second Callisto pulled it shut. I felt myself begin to foam at the mouth. This only happened when I was really, really angry.

I slowly backed away from the door seething. My eyes scoped the interior of  the trailer, it was a mess. Seriously the pizza man who ran this joint should have been put out of business for uncleanliness. Not that I personally really cared, after all I ate hot dogs that came from street vendors. Whats wrong with hot dogs that come from street vendors you ask? Do you know where they come from? Neither does anyone else.

Food and cooking utensils were scattered all over the ground, sauce on the wall, and a very angry girl glowering at the wall. I mean seriously, what's more unsanitary than a girl? The sliding glass window that the business must have used to serve their customers was boarded up with plywood. I was on the verge of going termite and eating my way through the plywood when I heard Aitius begin yelling at us from outside the food trailer, “Listen closely Arwen and Bobby-”

“SKULLCRUSHER!!!! ITS SKULLCRUSHER YOU DAFT PUPPY DOG!!!!” I shrieked at the top of my lungs, flinging a steak knife at the wall. It fell to the ground harmesely.

There was a long pause, then he continued in a strained voice. “Okay. Skullcrusher. So you and Arwen have to fight to the death. Only one shall prevail. The victor shall be released and may go about their business. You have one hour, if one of you is not dead we will throw a grenade in the trailer and you will both die. Okay?”

I furrowed my brow in confusion, “Wait thats it? Whats the catch?”

I never got my answer because the girl, Arwen - who names their child Arwen anyway? It sounds like a type of ground fowl-  flung herself at me with a streak knife grasped in her hands. I was not amused. I did not enjoy being cut off. I blocked it with my swan like grace and countered it with my bull like strength.

This Arwen fellow might have been taller and older than me, but alas she was no match for the sheer awesomeness that is Skullcrusher! I flipped my gorgeous hair as I kicked her in the stomach sending her tumbling backwards. I took a few seconds to raise my arms above my head while balancing on one foot to scream “Caw-caw!” Before launching myself into kill mode.

Arwen struggled to get up, I slammed my foot into her jaw elbowing her windpipe as I came down. Her body collapsed, unconscious.

I stood back dusting my hands off, well that had been easy. All those long days of watching ‘Penguins of Madagascar’ had really assisted my fighting skills. Or maybe she was just weak. Man, if I ever had a brother I’d never want them to hang out with someone this unfabulous. They’d probably get contaminated with girly-unfabulous cooties! Ew.

I glanced up at the clock, I still had 45 minutes to kill her. I was also hungry. I should make pizza, I concluded happily. I had always wanted to be a cannibal when I grew up, and now I didn’t have to wait!

I hummed happily grabbing some tie-wraps from the cabinets and binding Arwen up so if she woke up she wouldn’t start trying to attack me again. Defeating her was so easy it wasn’t even fun.

Next the real problem presented itself; how does one per-say ‘make’ pizza? I always bought mine. Luckily, I knew I was smart so this should be pretty easy to figure out. I needed cheese, however, since this was cannible pizza I should use cannibal cheese. Arwen’s pale skin kinda looked like mozzarella cheese.They couldn’t taste that different.

I turned around and began to rummage through the drawers until I found a shiny metal cheese grater. I trotted back over to Arwen who was beginning to stir. I figured I should probably say something to her, “Hey Sleeping Beauty, I’m going to make you into a pizza, okay?” I cooed  kneeling down beside her, grabbing a random bowl that happened to be lying around.

“Huh…? What?” She moaned as I positioned the bowl underneath her knee.

“Pizza.” I repeated straddling her leg to make sure she couldn’t jerk it away. I drove the grater into her knee cap. She screamed, wide awake now as the skin on her knee cap peeled away, falling in little ribbons to the bowl below. I went back driving it deeper, into the kneecap. Back and forth, back and forth. Her screams sounded like that of a wounded animal. I brought the grater slowly down her shin, blood spilled with each new ribbon of cheese that fell away. I started to make the greater move harder up and down her leg hoping if I did it harder she’d shut up.

She only screamed louder as the grater tore into her veins, getting a few caught in its blades. Finally I snapped, “I understand that I am turning you into a pizza, however you're making my eardrums bleed. Would you find it in your heart to shut up?!” I screamed back at her casting the grater aside in frustration.

She stopped and stared at me for a second, tears streaming down her face. Then she screamed, “FUCK YOU!”

Well she had a spicy personality. Hopefully it would add some flavor to my pizza.

I glanced down at my bowl of skin/cheese. It looked like I had enough. Now, when my foster mother #129 made eggs she always cautioned me not to leave any shells into because it would make it crunchy. I concluded since pizza, much like eggs was not meant to be crunchy, I should remove her teeth and nails. I grabbed some kitchen pliers  and Arwen’s foot, fastening them on the tip of the nail and pulling it with all my might. Slowly it ripped free, blood spilled from the new wound as I tossed it aside. I quickly moved to the next one, my stomach rumbling as I thought of my pizza. I ignored Arwen’s screams as I yanked and twisted each of her nails free.

Luckily the teeth proved to be less of a pain to remove. Getting her mouth open was the tricky part, I just grated her skin a little more until she screamed and I pried it open with a serrated knife, punching the blade through the roof of her mouth and into her nasal cavity to fit it. Little whimpered moans were the only thing that escaped her mouth now, as if the blade through the roof of her mouth had stopped her. Intresting. I would have to do this in the future….

I grabbed the pliers again and began clenched the metal against her teeth and pulled. The first one was a failure. It cracked in half, another strangled shriek erupting itself from her mouth. “SHUDDUP!” I yelled, but she didn't listen. People were so annoying. I wanted to slap them all. With bulldozers.

I placed my foot on her forehead and used my entire upper body strength to tear the tooth free. That method worked. I pulled another one free, and another one blood poured from wounds, looking in the back of her mouth, her screams were gurgled and weak. I stared at my work, trying to decide whether I should cut corners or not and just cook her and have a few  crunchy sections. The gums where I had yanked the teeth free resembled a corncob  after you had eaten all of the corn kernels off.

Cornkernals…. Food.

My underachieving side won out as I dragged Arwen’s pale, quietly moaning body over to the stove. I opened the door and removed the shelves, throwing the skin/cheese over her head and stuffing her in the small cubical.

It was a tight fit. I had to throw all of my weight against the door to fit her in there. Finally though I got the open door to click shut and I cranked the oven to 400 degrees. I stepped back, doubting that anyone else would have thought of this. When I was Emperor of the World we would have human pizza every day!

That was when Aitius opened the door.

His jaw dropped a little when he saw the interiour of the trailer. I have no clue why. There was only blood, peeled skin, nails and a few teeth lying everywhere. Oh and that mysterious smoke beginning to curl from the oven. Why was my human pizza burning?

I would have checked of my pizza had I not remembered that I had decided to kill Aitius and Callisto. Sadly I was going to have to kill them…. brutally- no wait! I could turn them into human pizza too! I smiled warmly at them raising a steak knife, “I don’t exactly remember why you’re on my kill list- but I know you're on my kill list so I’m afraid I’m going to have to kill you.” I shrugged as Aitius screamed and began running for his life. I laughed maniacally, clasping the knife between my teeth and dropping to all fours in hot pursuit.

Callisto who had been waiting outside took off after his doomed friend. It was too late for them though. They had made me angry and my stomach called to me to feed it. My stomach could not be denied! And so I chased them into the sunset….

….to infinity and beyond.

Sadly Bobby dies after this. Lets have a moment of silence for our fallen killer 9 year old.

We'd like to say your going to character heaven, however we all know that's not true.