The first thing I was aware of was a cold cement floor pressing into my cheek, which was odd because I remember passing out in the warm cradles of the earth. I furrowed my brow as I slowly opened my eyes. It was blurry for a second, all the colors of the gray room blurring together like a watercolor, mixing with the peach colors of another human’s skin.

I wasn’t alone.

I sat up quickly, bracing myself for combat as my brain finally processed the person standing across from me. I stopped dead feeling my hands drop to my sides as I gazed unbelievingly at the tall yet pudgy 9-year old who stood across from me wringing her career academy shirt in her hands uncomfortably as her hazel eyes stared up at me in wonderment.

It was my younger self…. I raised an eyebrow. This was a twist I never could have predicted. Probably a clone, or I might not even be awake either way there was some objective to having her here. I placed a hand on my hip trying to decide what I was supposed to do with Little Phae.

“Who are you?” Little Phae asked suddenly with a noticeable hesitation to her voice. Was I really this… vulnerable sounding when I was little? Seriously staring at myself I realized that I looked like a wounded animal.

I hesitated, how does one exactly talk to one’s self? “Don’t be stupid. I’m your older self.” I snapped finally, deciding to treat her like I would anyone else. After all I didn’t deserve special treatment.

She looked down, “You’re lying. I’m not that pretty.” Little Phae started wringing her shirt even more, if it was a human neck it would be dead. I resisted the urge to be prideful and focused on her irritating comment.

“Phaedra, don’t be such a sensitive dork. The world has no room for the weak.” I snapped, unsure of where the comment had come from. It sounded very familiar.

Little Phae still wouldn’t look at me. “Thats what mommy says.”

Oh. So thats where it came from. I shuddered as I realized I had quoted the Nazi. I hated my mother, its a shame it wasn’t her here instead of Little Phae, then I could dismantle my mother limb by limb. The thought of her mangled bloodied body diced into little pieces warmed my heart.

But no. I was stuck talking to the prepubescent version of myself. I bent forward and placed my hand on her shoulder. “Kill your mother.” I said with as much care as I could force into my voice.

Little Phae shook her head, “No. I don’t want to hurt anybody.” She said plopping to the floor and leaning her head back against the wall, a tear trickling her way out of her eye and running down her cheek.

I let out a strangled laugh, really hoping this wasn’t being broadcasted to the entirety of Panem. This was definitely that awkward, incredibly embarrassing stage of my development that everyone talks about having and likes to sweep under the rug. I knelt down beside her, “What are you talking about? Of course you want to hurt people!” I bit my tongue to keep from adding ‘and dominate the world enslaving humanity’. If this was being broadcasted I couldn’t risk the entirety of Panem knowing my plan.

Little Phae shook her head, “No. I don’t want to hurt anyone the way that the other girls hurt Dimitra.” She choked off tears swelling in her eyes as she bent forward and covered her face with her hands. “I wish I’d known! I could have saved her.”

Dimitra. I hadn’t heard the name in years. It was the name I had shoved to the very darkest corners of my mind. I felt the smallest pang of guilt twinge in my chest as I remembered my only friend from The Academy in District 1. Guilt… I’d felt something. It twisted around my chest like a snake and strangled my heart. I loved it.

Dimitra had been a tall girl with silky raven hair that fell to her waist like silk. She stuck out like a black sheep amongst the numerous blonde heads in District 1. Like me, she was a half-blood, meaning one of her parents had been transferred to this District through the peacekeeper program. Only she carried the features of someone from District 2 while I had gotten more of my native father’s features. She was quite a few years older than I was, but that didn’t stop her from singling me out and taking me under her wing.

I had accepted her affection hesitantly at first (After all who would want to be my friend?) but after a few weeks I had declared myself her sister and I had pretty much glued myself to her hip. In retrospect I realize that I must have been incredibly annoying, but Dimitra hadn’t seemed to mind. Then again, she was incredibly peculiar having no interest in killing or maiming anything, rather she would sit in the corner at lunch with a little pen and a napkin writing. I would sit with her watching the curves of her pen as they etched the paper. I remember asking her what she was writing once. She read them to me and even though now I forget what they were, I remember that they were the most beautiful words I had ever heard.

I think those were the happiest days of my life. I remember now, the swell in my chest that had tickled my stomach as I would talk with my friend. I remember the tears I had cried when I saw the older girls beat her up. I remember the feeling of peace that calmed my mind like a blanket as she would hug me and tell me she cared.

My feelings died with her, hanging in the old oak tree outside The Academy. She killed herself. She killed herself and left me alone.

I felt hot tears swell in my eyes as I remembered going to her room that morning, only to find it was empty…. I shook my head suddenly hating myself for all the feelings that suddenly swirled in my chest. No wonder I had buried them so deep in my chest that they could never be found. Well. They almost were never found.

I furrowed my brow and looked evenly at my younger self, “This world wasn’t made for the weak, or the different, or the sensitive.” I felt my voice crack, but I continued as if it hadn’t happened. “This work was built by the strong so that only the strong can survive and the weak will be weeded out before they reach adulthood.”

Little Phae looked up at me suddenly with a knowing look in her eye and suddenly my drive for world domination made complete sense. I knew why it hovered over me like a cloud day and night ruling my thoughts. I pulled little Phae closer to me until my lips hovered right above her ear. “I will mow this world down, I will pound it to the dust and I will build a utopia upon the rubble in which the weak and the strong will survive in unison. I’m not an idealist. People will die. Anyone who opposes me will die, the stupid will die and everyone in this arena will have to die, but what are a few lives for long term happiness of all? What are a few lives for the lives of the good? What are a few lives for the lives of millions?”

I was going to take this world by storm and no one was going to be able to stop me.