XXXIII
Do You Love Me?
~~~

"C'mon just take the sweatshirt off!" Is all he heard from Jinx for the next thirty minutes. At one point he just began to ignore her and talk with the others.

It wasn't completely horrible, though the topic of his mental state was brought up a few times. It was really here when he had to use all of his emotional and mental strength to prevent another episode.

Especially since everyone just arrived. Jackie showed up with her parents, Terra's parents, Wally's dad, and Jinx's mom showed up too. So had Arella.

They made their own separate area a little ways away from the kids to sit.

Arella being there made him want nothing more than to just get up and leave.

He's sitting pretty calmly though. The anxiety from the adults arriving has subsided. His head is resting on his knees which are up against his chest, not as tightly as before. His hand is propping him up, all finders spread out wide on the blanket. He drags his fingers back and forth on the blanket ever so often, feeling the soft cottony cloth between them.

Raven is sitting next to him cross-legged. The other's talking isn't even registering in her mind. She examines his hand as everyone continues to talk.

She traces over his fingers with her own. Strangely, he doesn't seem to notice. She places her own hand on his. No reaction. He's facing away from her, so she can't see his face to tell if there was one or not anyway.

"Ha! I new you were lying! Right Gar? Gar?" Not getting a response out of him, Vic, and everyone else, turn to see that Gar is actually asleep.

"Wow. He slept through all our screaming?" Jinx questions.

"Well that's what happens when you don't eat. You get tired ." Dick states.

"I was wondering why he wasn't moving." Jackie says.

"Wonder how long he's been out." Terra ponders.

"About five minutes now. I saw him drifting off." Kori claims.

"Should we wake him up?" Jackie asks.

"No. I think he needs it. Plus if he can sleep through all this nose then he must be really tired." Dick replies.

"But I'm hungry!" Jinx complains. "Weren't we all going to get up and get something to eat?"

"Yes, but we cannot just leave Gar here by himself. If he wakes up while we are gone he won't be very happy." says Kori.

"I'll stay with him." Raven offers. "Just make sure you buy him like a funnel cake or something."

"You sure Rave?" Vic asks. She nods. "Alright then." The rest of them get up.

"Large or small funnel cake for him, Rave?" Wally asks.

"Large for him and for me. Make sure mine has whipped cream!" Wally flashes her a teethy grin and a thumbs up.

She moves her attention back to Gar. She moves herself around to the way his head is turned, so that if he wakes up he sees her. But he's already awake. His eyes look exhausted though.

"Oh. You're up. You didn't even sleep for more than a ten minutes."

His thin eyes blink warily a few times, then he sits up.

"It wasn't a deep sleep, more like a light nap." He picks up his hand and futzes around his his fingers. "Why were you messing with my hand?"

"Um..." her cheeks start to grow pink, which makes Gar grin a little. She pulls her hair behind her ear. "I guess I just missed holding it..." she replies, wholly embarrassed. Gar laughs a bit, but then his smile leaves his face.

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Miss me." He replies.

"Why? I haven't seen you in a month."

"It's not that, Raven. I don't treat you the way I should."

"Well...I'm not going to say that you do, but you have an excuse, and I understand it now."

"What? No don't accept my excuses. 'I jump to conclusions.' 'I can't handle change.' A legitimate excuse has to be unique. It can't be some same-old same-old thing. Then it's not a real one. Don't just settle because of how you feel about me..." He puts his legs down and crosses them. Then sits up just to slouch back down again.

"But–"

"No." He interrupts her. "No buts. I f*cked up Raven. I don't get an excuse." She sits there patiently and waits. He takes a deep breath. "Being trapped in my house for a month made me think about a lot, Rave."

"Wait trapped?"

"I was...afraid of everything. I couldn't leave. I was afraid of the door, I was afraid of the steps, I was afraid of the kitchen. It was always a battle with myself to even leave the room. That's why I didn't eat. I was afraid that everything would just suddenly burst into flames.

But the worst part was when I started to stop being afraid of my house and started being afraid of everything outside of it. It was the middle of the month and I was finally ready to go outside, then I realized how scary it all was to me.

In my mind Vic was going to hate me again, Kori and Dick would just avoid me, Terra, Wally, and Jinx would yell at me, and you..." He looks at Raven dead in the eyes. Right into her oh so attentive eyes. He grows uneasy, then her eyes flash brightly, and he diverts his eyes towards the baseball field. "I was afraid that as soon as I saw you you'd be on fire or something."

They sit in a silence, then Gar breaths and continues to talk. "I know I said this before, but you deserve someone much better than me. I'm honestly no better than Adam. When I get stressed I can almost never control what I'm going to do. I could end up hurting you just as much as he would."

She looks at him with a serious gaze. Disregarding everything he just said, she says this, "Do you still love me?"

"..." Of all the ways she could've responded, he  wasn't expecting that.

"Do you still love me?" She repeats slower.

"I–"

"WASSUP GUYS?!!?" Vic screams from behind them scaring the absolute daylights out of both of them.

"We bought funnel cake!" Jinx adds.

"Can you guys do me a solid and NOT try and give me a heart attack?"

"Sorry, Gar...jeez. Why are you so jumpy?" Vic apologies.

"It's not that I'm jumpy, you're just so damn loud."

Raven grabs the funnel cake from Jinx and gives it Gar.

"Eat it." She demands. Everyone laughs at how agressive she shouds.

Yes, he said he wasn't hungry. Yes, he said that he didn't want to eat.

But he just scarfed down the entire funnel cake in 5 minutes.

"Holy crap. Gar!" He's got powdered sugar all over his hands.

"Leave him be." Raven waves Wally off. If powdered sugar was blood, this would be a crime scene.

He even licked the paper plate clean.

"Um, guys? Did you buy another one?"

"Man, you tore that up!" Vic states the obvious.

"Why don't we get him another one?" Terra suggests. "At least we know he'll eat it."

"Yeah, but the blanket!" Jinx exclaims.

"Jinx, the blanket getting dirty is not the end of the world. We shall just hose Gar and the blanket down together when we're done!" Kori replies.

"No don't hose me down!! I just want another funnel cake!" He answers back in innocence.

"Alright, Gar, alright. I'll get you another funnel cake. Wipe your mouth off while I grab some money from my mom." She hands him a napkin and gets up and walks to the adult's blanket.

"Hey Mom."

"Oh. Raven. Why are you over here? Shouldn't you be with your friends?" Arella asks.

"I need money. Gar wants another funnel cake."

"My goodness is that Raven?" Terra's mom asks leaning forward a bit."

"Hi Mrs. Markov." Raven greets reluctantly. She dislikes her parents as much as she dislikes Terra.

"You've gotten so big since I've last seen you! You almost as tall as your mother!"

"Shhhh." Arella quiets her. "No she's done growing. Don't say that. She will always be shorter than me." The parents laugh.

"Arella, you have a beautiful daughter." Terra's father states.

"No shit Sherlock. Look at her! I bet she's got every guy in school after her." Jinx's mom butts in, and causes Raven to start blushing.

"Thanks... Mom can I have the money now?"

"Oh right." As Arella rummages through her purse for five dollars the other parents continue to talk to her.

"So Raven," Wally's dad begins to speak.

"How was school? Anyone kill anyone? Anyone smoke in front of the principal?"

"Uh...not...that I know of." She stands very proper. Hands neatly placed together in front of her with amazing posture; her usual stance when she addresses adults that aren't family.

You know they're gonna ask the question. Just prepare for it and you'll be fine.

"What about the teachers? They f*ck up yet?"

"Not yet." Raven says matter-of-factly. She sounds pretty confident though.

"What about a boyfriend huh? You got one of those yet? I'm sure you've had like twenty." Jinx's mom asks.

"Terra told me that she was dating Garfield." Mrs. Markov replies.

"What?! Your Gar started dating?!" She turns to Rita and Steve.

"Yeah...well–" Mr. West cuts her off.

"'Rella where's that money?" Steve hurries Arella in a whisper.

"Damn that's amazing! A love that grew from a childhood friendship. That's like shit from romance movies and books and shit. You have sex yet?"

"Robert!!" Arella shouts as she hands her the money.

"What? It's just a question."

"Then has Wally had sex yet?" Arella retorts.

Mr. West replies with finger guns, "That's for you to find out 'Rella."

"Raven– where did she go?" Jinx's mom looks around for her.

"She left. None of your kids told you that they're arguing right now?" Arella replies.

"Oh my! No! Terra hardly tells us about school and her friends at all. I was surprised she told me this!" Mr. Markov states.

"If she doesn't come back over here tell her we sincerely apologise." Mrs. Markov says.

"Tch. Speak for yourselves." Mr. West says with crossed arms.

"Robert!!"

"Gar, c'mon." She scoops up Gar and they walk over to the funnel cake in that dreaded awkward silence.

They stand in line, and all of a sudden he feels shy. Not nervous or anxious, but actually shy. He can't muster up the confidence to even say her name.

"One large funnel cake, please." She hands the twelve-year-old behind the register the money. She turns around and leans up against the stand with her arms crossed, directing her eyes at nothing in particular to her left.

Gar, meanwhile, stuffs his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt as he eyes her hand.

A gust of wind blows by and he gets chills.

Why am I so cold? It's the middle of the summer. Or maybe it's just me?

She switches her arms from being crossed to one being down, and the other holding it close to her body. His eyes follow the hand all the way down.

"What are you looking at?" Raven notices.

"Huh?" He realizes once he sees her expression. "No no that's not what– I wasn't looking at– oh God dammit! Rae I wasn't looking at that! Sorry sorry I was looking at your hand!" He stumbles over his words while Raven hands him a good dose of her wide purple eyes. She quickly hides them though.

She pulls her hair behind her ear again and looks away, aloof.

"It's fine. Don't worry about it."

"Large funnel cake?" The boy comes back and sets the pastry on the ledge acting as a makeshift counter.

"Thanks." She leaves a few quarters from the change and walks away. Gar scrambles behind her. "There you go, Gar." She hands him the cake and the crosses her arms again.

He devours it and Raven people watches as they walk. She notices a few things. Things she's never really caught before. Things she wonders if anyone's ever caught before.

There's so many men and boys with their hair flipped over in the same exact hair style: part down the left or right side and flipped to the opposite side.

For some reason, people are sitting and talking and cannot stop touching their mouths. Wiping their mouths, playing with their lips, covering them, it doesn't matter. A way to keep their hands occupied perhaps?

The couples...they unnerve her. It's a good 75% that lean in and kiss at the same time. As if to spite her in some way. A few towards the back of the crowd even start to make out.

She doesn't want to people watch anymore. They've gotten to where she wanted to anyway. The very back of the lot, past the baseball outfield, past the soccer fields. They could see the whole crowd in front of them.

"Gar?"

"Hm?"

"Throw out the plate and wipe your mouth." He does as he's told and he looks half way decent again.

"Why are we over here? The blanket's all the way over there."

"Because we didn't finish our conversation from before."

"Oh, right." A chill is sent through his skin and down his spine. The thick summer air feels cold now for some unexplainable reason. He pulls his hands out of his sleeves and brings his eyes up to her's.

Her eyes are extremely serious, but there's some childish sparkle gleaming within them. She knows what she wants out of this conversation. It's her most childish and naïve desire from when they were little.

She leads with the question. Asking it just as slow, if not slower than the last time, "Do you still love me?"

He answers almost immediately, "Yes, Raven. Of course I do."

Her eyes glimmer just a bit. She heard exactly what she wanted. The child in her just started jumping and giggling madly.

"But?" She struggles to say. She knows there is one behind the curtain of words he said with such confidence.

Damn, she's too smart for her own good. He sighs, "But I don't think I'm good to have around..."

"What?" Fear and anger boil. "Does what I said before about needing you not matter all of a sudden?"

"It does! I never said that it didn't!"

"Then why do you just all of a sudden decide for me that you aren't good to have around?" She's shockingly calm. Though, the air is quite tense.

"Because I'm sick of lying to myself! I can't help myself! Nothing I've been doing has helped! I kept telling myself that you've been helping, but me thinking that just makes it worse! I'm not helping you either am I? Doubt the last two months have been any help!"

"All that is just because you've been trying to do every single little thing on your own! Not everything is a solo gig! You should've figured that out by now!"

"I have! I swear!"

"Then why are you trying to push me away again?!" She's struggling to keep in her tears. Her face is even starting to flush.

"How am I supposed to help you if I can't help myself?!"

"By just being there!"

"Look how that turned out for me! Because I thought all you needed to do was 'be there' to help me, I didn't pay attention to everything that went wrong! I just figured 'oh, Raven will fix it' and you didn't even know about my PTSD then!"

"Well I'm not hiding anything like that from you! For me, as long as I know you're here it doesn't matter!" The words fall from her mouth. That first sentence wasn't supposed to. It was supposed to stay trapped in with the rest of her thoughts of that nature.

"No, Raven, I'm getting the feeling that you are." She fights the urge to react. She fights one of her most basic human functions. "But I'm not going to ask about it because it's a secret for a reason." He composes himself a bit.

"But this is exactly what I'm talking about, Raven. You see how you're expecting the same thing of me as I was of you? That 'I can fix it' and 'I'll make it ok' when I don't even know what 'it' is!"

"Gar, you have no idea what you're saying. You help me in so many ways that you can't even fathom."

"I'm willing to bet that it's all in your head too. I know from experience." He walks closer and puts his hands on her shoulders. "Raven, I would never forgive myself if I made you like me, just because I blinded you and caused you to make the same mistake I did. That's why it's not good for me to stay around. I'm not healthy for either of us."

She roughly shoves him away and turns away to hide her face. Her throat burns as she struggles to keep the dam up, but the concrete is beginning to crack, and water is beginning to leak through.

"I refuse to let you walk away from me again. I don't care what you say." She turns back to him and wipes the tear tracks away in one flawless motion.

They stand with a good few feet in between them.

"Why can't you just make up your mind?" She asks quietly.

"...?"

"You want to be my friend but keep me in the dark, and then date me and still keep me in the dark. Then finally when I come out of the dark you push me away, and now we're here and..." Her eyes sting. Why is it so hard to fight back tears? " can't lose any more people, Gar." She hugs herself.

"Raven..." He can see her practically choking on her inhibited tears. Should he feel guilty? Is this his fault or her's?

It doesn't matter either way. He takes a step, and another. He reaches out to her, but they don't touch. Why? Well, something of course got in the way.

Something always gets in the way.

~~~

Sorry this took over a week to come out! My allergies want to kill me and I was trying to work on my webcomic. I also had some personal issues that are plaguing me. Long story short you may have to expect updates to be more spaced out in the following weeks. I also had to split up this chapter into two because it was running on 6000 words.

Also, I think there are about 2-4 chapters left in this story, so eventhough updates may be scarcer, it won't be for too long! Thanks for all of your guys support!

Word Count: 3161