chapter 4 - to be alone
charlie's point of view:
As the great J.R.R. Tolkien once wrote - I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread. The dry patches on the small piece of loaf only expand as time goes by. As the light spots covered by butter decrease, the darkness underneath creeps forward and spreads, like festering mold in my mind. I feel as if I've had the same packet of butter since forever, it has always lasted and provided me with what I needed. Until one day, all of a sudden, I opened the lid only to be met by a few small yellow clumps scattered across the tub. I don't know when it happened, but I'd ran out of butter, my fuel. I'd ran out of what was keeping me sane, from what was keeping me from cracking and breaking. For the next few years I'd kept that tub of butter, carefully taking small portions so that it wouldn't run out. I knew that somewhere I could find more, I simply hadn't found that place yet. I was lost in the supermarket called life, fanatically looking for my damn butter. And time was running out, the checkouts were closing.
I never would have guessed working as a receptionist in a hotel would be so tiring. But when I came home after my nine hour shift I felt completely battered. It felt as if I had a massive hangover; my head was throbbing, my ears hated even the tiniest of annoying noise they could hear and my eyes had trouble adjusting to its surroundings. I'd gotten this job when I was 17, and ever since then this felt like my second home. My boss, Katherine, was like a mother to me. She was 39, managed a hotel, was a freelance writer and enjoyed gardening - all whilst still managing to take care of three children, and me. Sure, I was 24, but in her eyes, I was still a kid. She had seen me at my very worst and yet she'd always stayed by my side. Never once had she looked at me with anything but love in her eyes, whether that be the kind that showed happiness or the kind that worried for you. Not once had she questioned my choices or judged me for who I was. She was truly my guardian angel.
I pulled up into my driveway, hearing the snow creak under the tires of my Volvo as it slowly came to a stop. Turning the engine off, I gathered my stuff from the passenger's seat. With my phone and keys in one hand, I opened the door and stepped outside, feeling the cold and crisp air hit pinch my cheeks. I immediately felt the thin, freezing air fill my lungs, sending a shiver throughout my body. As I walked towards my house I couldn't help but smile. I don't know why, but winter did something to me. What some might consider cold and awful I experienced as quite thrilling. The sound of the snow creaking as my boots sank into it was one of my favorite sounds in the whole world, after the sound of my mother's laugh, my father's old guitar and the scratching of the stylus of the turntable against the record. Winter filled me with an energy that seemed to fill the emptiness inside me. All my favorite memories were from the winters of the past. Riding the reindeers at the Christmas market, eating candied apples with my grandmother, building snow forts with my brother – winter brought back all those memories. I could not think of one unhappy winter day. Although the sun must set sometime, and as the darkness grows around my house so does the darkness inside me. The happy memories remind me of what I miss, and I realize that I have to cope with how to be alone.
I throw my keys onto the dresser next to the shoe-rack. Kicking off my shoes and putting my coat on the chair next to the door I start walking toward my kitchen.
"Darling..." I hear my mother's voice, filled withdisapproval. I sigh as I walk back to the front door. I pick up my coat andhang it in the wardrobe, put my boots neatly on the rack and place my keys inthe small ceramic bowl on top of the dresser. Without even having to see it, Icould imagine my mother, standing with her arms crossed over her chest andeyebrows raised, giving me a meaning look.
"I've told you a million times, Charlotte. Please put your things away straight away, I don't want to be following you around all the time, only to make sure that you tidy up." Her voice was dripping with a sense of disappointment, I knew she was tired of telling me to put my things away. You could almost sense her sigh coming before it actually happened. Sigh. Deep, tired, yet it was also filled with love.
I snapped back to what I was planning to doearlier. Right. Kitchen. My missionwas simple – food. Before I could even think about being hungry my stomachgrowled, telling me that I did not have to express my hunger, it already knewthat. Putting a hand over my empty stomach I finally dragged myself into thekitchen. I opened all of the cabinets at once and stood in the middle of the kitchen. Scanning all the shelves I quickly realized something that I already knew – I was almost out of food. You see, shopping for food was never my forte. My brother is usually the one to do the shopping, so naturally, when he is away he not only leaves his room empty but the cupboards as well. I sighed as I grabbed the one thing that amazingly never seems to run out – the instant mashed potatoes. Filling a pot with water and putting it on the stove I started to hum along to a random melody. I could feel my feet move back and forth and my hips starting to sway. I quickly ran into my living room and put the record of the not so mysterious tune on. After a few seconds of silent scratching I could hear the first notes plucked on the electric guitar, accompanied by Van's voice.
"I got misled, mistook, discard
Anything that I said
See I'm not the type to call you up drunk
But I've got some lies to tell"
As the song progressed and soon reached the chorus, I found myself dancing vigorously around the kitchen. It felt as if I was no longer alone, as if they were all in the room with me. I heard the bubbling of the water starting to disturb the song and I quickly took it off the stove. I stirred the powder into the pot, making a lovely yellow goo form. After putting the mashed potatoes onto a plate, I went to the fridge. Luckily, I found some still fresh vegetables tucked away behind the milk carton. I took out both the vegetables as well as the milk and brought them over to the counter. I cut up the tomatoes and poured some milk into a glass. Bangers and mash, you say? I say 'tomaters' and mash.
After giggling at my own (very bad) joke I made my way into the living room where "Homesick" had transcended into the final few seconds of "Kathleen". I put my plate down and danced over to the record player, swiftly turning it off. Even though the music was gone I still danced my way back to the sofa. The rush of hearing Catfish and the Bottlemen always left me in a very happy state. I plopped down into the sea of couch pillows and rummaged around to look for the remote.
"Aha! There you are you little bastard!" I exclaimed as I found the remote. I turned the TV on and quickly clicked my way through the channels until I found what I was looking for – Cartoon Network. Seeing as it was currently 18:07 I knew that the reruns of Scooby-Doo had only just begun. I smiled in content as I watched Velma crawl around on the floor, looking for her glasses. The sight of her being nearly blind reminded me that I, too, was squinting very hard to be able to see her clearly on the screen. I dropped the remote and quickly ran upstairs to grab my glasses. Almost as fast as Scooby himself, if I may say so, I ran back downstairs again. As I once again threw myself onto the couch I picked up my plate and almost inhaled the food. I was just about to eat my last tomato as I heard a meow from under me. Looking down at the floor I saw Amethyst stare up at me with her big eyes. I looked at my tomato and then back at her. She let out a small sound again to assure me that, yes, she did want the last tomato. I patted my lap and she hopped up onto the couch and then onto my lap. I placed the tomato in my hand and held it in front of her. Just as she way about to bite into the red piece of vegetable there was a loud know on my door. The knock not only startled me but Amethyst as well. As a response to the strange sound she bit into my hand instead of the tomato.
"Ouch! Amy!" I squealed and held my right hand in my left one. There were tiny droplets of blood in the palm of my hand. I looked at her with an angry frown. My frown quickly disappeared when I saw her apologetic eyes. "Oh Amy..." I sighed as I got up from the couch. I walked towards the door, still holding my hand tightly.
alex's point of view:
My entire day had been spent trying to make my new home feel more like my home. After playing some guitar, I'd found my way back to the TV, and somehow that's where I'd spent the rest of my day.
Sometime in the afternoon I could hear a car pull up outside. As I peeked through the curtains I could see a blonde head in the Volvo parked at the house next doors. There she was. Just like earlier, I got the sudden need to meet her. I watched her as she walked into her house, a smile on her lips. I felt my face move as I walked away from the window. As I walked past the window I realized that I was smiling. I figured she probably wouldn't enjoy some stranger coming by just after she got home so I decided to wait a while before making my next move.
I found myself not really paying attention to what was going on at Central Perk, even though I was staring at the screen intensely. I saw Ross' mouth moving and Joey laughing but I didn't hear it. My eyes flicked between the TV and the clock on the wall.
"That's it, I'm going over."
Before I knew it I was knocking on her front door. I felt my palms getting sweaty and I wiped them on my jeans. As I heard footsteps coming towards the door I took a deep breath. I really didn't know why but this girl – a girl that I didn't even know the name of – made me so nervous. The door opened a bit and she peeked out her head.
"Hello?" she said. It was more of a question than a greeting. She pushed her glasses up her nose with her index finger and licked her lips. Just as she was about to open her mouth and speak again I hastily interrupted.
"Hi! Um, I just wanted on check on you, see if you were alright." My answer came out in much more rushed manner than I had planned.
"Right." Her answer was barely a whisper.
"So... Are you? I mean, are you alright?" my voice failed on me and came out almost as weak as hers. I stuck my hands in my pockets and pushed my shoulders up, trying to fake confidence by standing tall. It didn't work.
"Yeah... Thank you." She gave me the faintest of smiles, but it was visible in her eyes. There was this sparkle that showed emotion.
"I'm Alex, by the way. I just moved in next doors." I jolted my thumb in the direction of my house and quickly put it back into my pocket. "Nice to officially meet you, ehm..." I waited for her to fill me in on her name.
"Charlotte. Or Charlie. Anything's fine really..." her voice was still very soft and she hadn't looked up from her feet.
"Nice you meet you, Charlotte." I stretched my back and once again tried to gather myself, gain some kind of confidence. Her eyes slowly traveled from her feet to mine. In what felt like an eternity, her eyes slowly made their way up to meet mine. She met my stare and didn't move a muscle. I smiled reassuringly, and as I did I could swear I saw that sparkle again. The most delicate and shy smile you could imagine crept onto her lips. "Well I should probably head back home, I suppose." I said slowly. I reached my right hand out towards her. "Lovely to meet you." I expected her to accept the invite and shake my hand my she was holding her hands together firmly. As I looked down onto her hands I saw a single drop of blood drip down, landing on my shoe.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry! Please let me clean that up for you!" The voice that was once a whisper grew louder as she repeatedly apologized. She opened the door wider and rushed me into the house. I didn't even have time to say that it was nothing she had to worry about before she had closed the door behind me.
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disclaimer:
as you may have noticed this story will not be totally accurate to what actually happened and when it happened. it is fiction after all. so, alex's age and the year will not be accurate, nor will the rest of the events that occur be. I hope you enjoy it either way! please comment if you find it interesting! or you could comment if you think it's boring, too!
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