POV Kanaki

I wasn't tired. I haven't been in days.

Touka fell asleep in my arms with her nose where my neck meets my shoulder.

Ichica was fast asleep in her room. I can't believe she's three already. They weren't lying when they said the time goes fast. She already fancies herself independent.

She's adamant she can read any book in the house. She'll take one of my books and open it and page through. I always ask how it is and she makes up her own story based on the cover. We go along with it.

When we get her books though she doesn't hesitate to ask what a character is.

She's just so... herself.

She's not afraid to say what she wants.

She likes singing and dancing, but oh it has to be a performance. We have to sit on the floor and she stands on her own stage (the couch).

I can't get her dressed for her concert though, no. It has to be Touka. She's the only one that can put her dress on right.

I didn't know you could put it on wrong, but I'll do whatever she wants.

She often gets to excited while she's dancing and falls down. But she doesn't even think to be embarrassed. She just laughs in this magical way.

I can't describe it, but when she does it... I feel at home.

I feel creepy just staring at Touka while she sleeps. I don't know how she manages to get more beautiful every day.

I wish I could could see her beautiful sapphire eyes.

She was so warm and my heart was so full, but sleep wouldn't come. I couldn't even close my eyes.

I was getting itchy with the need to move.

I gently took my arm out from under her and guided her head from me to the pillow.

She was still fast asleep. Thank God.

I walked into the living room.

I feel the sudden urge to run. To just go out the door and run and run and run until there is nothing left.

But with the way the door squeaks there's no way it wouldn't wake anyone. Then they would ask where I was going. And I don't have an answer.

My entire body was starting to tremble.

I needed to move.

My head was filled with some song I heard once, or maybe a book, or something I have forgotten. Maybe all at once.

I walk to the couch and sit down.

Almost immediate my leg bounces up and down on it's own accord.

I can't leave. I can't make to much noise.

But oh gosh I can't fucking sit still.

And what was the song I heard? I think it would be better another way. Or the last book I read. It was so bad. There was so much they could have done differently. Maybe if they move the inciting incident further in so we knew the charachers better that would be better. Oh and all the scenes were recycled. How hard is it to write something new.

That's so odd.

That's so odd.

That's so odd.

I put my head in my hands.

Odd. odd. Odd.

I just wanted it to stop.

Stop

Stop

Stop

Over and over.

I don't know when this all started. At first It was just not paying attention and being distracted, but know I can't escape my thoughts. They just keep repeating. All over each other. All at once. And I feel like there are bugs in my skin when I sit still. I haven't slept at all in nearly three days. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

I can't do this.

I can't do this

I cant do this

I can't

I can't

I can't

"Then don't"

I looked up by my home was no longer there. Just a dark room with Riza in front of me.

I really am losing my mind. I closed my eyes. I can't do this again.

I am in my home. Touka and Ichika are asleep. Riza is dead.

She laughed. "What scared of an old friend"

She took her hand and lifted my chin to face her. Her grip was forceful and her hand was ice cold.

I rubbed my eyes, but it was all still there. Riza. Her hand. Her voice.

"If you can't do it. You know what to do. It would be better for everyone. You would finally be free. And all your silly little friends and your made up family finally doin't have to be bothered by you every time you fall."

My lip quivered. Not this again no. I can't leave Touka and Ichika.

"You'd be leaving them better off" Her voice was gentle, but matter-of-fact. "Imagine how exhausted they are of you. Your constant troubled. Having to pretend to worry to keep you here."

I have been having a lot of hard times. I keep falling back into this place. I am only hurting them.

Besides... I don't think I can do this anymore.

No. It will go away. It will get better. I can't leave Touka and Ichika.

"Oh really?" she laughed.

I suddenly felt something rough around my neck. I opened my eyes and looked down. I was standing on a platform a dozen feet off the ground. The platform was barley wide enought to keep me on it.

I tried to reach the rope around my neck, but my hands were bound behind my back.

I closed my eyes and tried to feel the couch I was sitting on. I am in my home. I am sitting in the couch, but all I could feel is the rope getting tighter around my neck.

I can't no. Let me go. Please. I just want to go to bed and wake up with my wife and daughter sleeping in my arms.

"They're better off without you."

Without me.

Without me.

Without me.

"Your making it hard for them. It's better if you do. You know you want it to stop"

I do.

I do.

I do.

I looked down and the room filled with everyone I love. Hide, Yomo, Hinami...

They were cheering, though I couldn't make out the words.

Maybe this is for the best.

It would be better for everyone.

I took a step forward. And the moment the platform left my feet I saw Ichika 2 inches from my face.

"Dad?" Her eyes were pounds of tears threatening to spill over.

It was to late. I was already on my way down.

I closed my eyes tight so nothing could do through.

And I fell. The world falling so fast around me. Then screeching to a halt and squeezing my neck so hard I thought it might burst.

I heard touka say, "what have you done?"

I open my eyes.

I'm in the living room and Touka is waiting for something. What did she say?

"I said are you alright?"

I could still feel the pressure around by neck, but I was trying to keep my breath stable. "Yeah.. I just cannot sleep."

Touka took a seat next to be. She ran her hands through my hair.

"I had that dream again." She said.

I look down. I don't want to hear this dream again. I'm trying so hard, but I know she's still worried. I am to. I don't want to leave them behind. "Sorry."

"Is it happening again?"

I looked down.

I am so tried of talking. I feel like I am running from something that will never stop.