I felt nerves get to me ever so slightly as I walked down the boardwalk in an area that was once familiar to me.

I was going to visit Emily again for the first time in two months. Maybe it was crazy to finally do so on such a stupid whim when my own friend screaming at me wasn't enough to make me finally take this step. Nor the love for my Em to begin with. To be honest, I felt absolutely ridiculous now as I thought back to every excuse that seemed to possess me, and the reasoning behind the decision itself to stay away.

I don't know what I was thinking, why I ran away like I had done for all the other problems I've faced. Yet, that one dream I could barely remember the following morning, had left me with my eyes open and a new dedication to visit her again. Even if.. I'd have so much to apologize for once arriving.

The voices weren't as loud as before, but they were still there trying to make me turn back, taunting me, using everything they had to cause me to fall into the same pit as before.

Who are you kidding?

Just leave!

You're really going to visit her after all this time on an absurd last minute decision after how much of a coward you've been? What are you going to do when you have to actually face her? Save yourself the trouble and go home now. After all what if she breaks down again? That's what made you run away scared last time, will you just do it again?

No. The next time it happens I'll be by her side, and I'll stay there after it's over. I just need.. I need to stop looking at it as her breaking apart. When she's like that.. it means it's one step closer to her healing.

I didn't know where this new feeling of control or empowerment was coming from, but it shut those annoying doubts up fast while I continued walking, getting closer and closer to the flower stand.

I was suprised to see at the tiny shop, a different man. More disheveled and less cheerful than the other who normally ran this place.
Had the other moved in the two months I was gone?

There were still the same assortments of flowers like usual, but now each of them had cards for some reason. Did someone else taken over this business?

"Hello sir, where's the other guy who's usually here?"

"Oh, Tom? He took a vacation with the missus bout a week ago. I'm covering for em until he gets back in'a week."

"Oh, alright. And what's with the cards?"

"My little brotha insisted on writing them out when I refused to memorize fifty different meanings for five flowers. Stupid, I know, but he's as stubborn as a mule that one."

I couldn't help but smile at that. Even if half the time I never listened to what the hell he was going on about, I had found myself missing Tom's rambles in my two months of absence.

"Well alright, I guess I'll take that pack of tulips please."

"Comin right up."

The man sounded so uninterested, bored, and overall tired of everything during the interaction, but to be honest I found myself amused by the contrast he was to Tom.

He didn't wrap them in bows or crinkle paper like Tom aways would, and I actually found the once irritating process of my routine now appreciated as it was a bit more challenging carrying all of these weeds with one hand when they weren't bunched like the owner always insisted he do.

Maybe I should've been nicer to him.

Oh well, he wasn't here now, just his moody older brother and a bundle of flowers I was attempting to carry.

Dropping a few as walking fast threw off my balance, I sighed with annoyance before sitting at a convenient bench to re-straighten.

God.. I never realized how bulky tulips were. They better last awhile. Here, let me check the card to see if it says.

Sure enough, in sloppy handwriting was a detailed, individually done note containing a full paragraph of information.

Heh, I guess it wouldn't really be Tom's handiwork any other way. Okaaay, in cool temperatures this can last one to two weeks. Well that shouldn't be a problem, hospitals are always annoyingly cold. Alright, anything else important about keeping these alive for that long... sciency name.. weird rant about how these are perfect to give to a woman... their plant relatives.... aaaand lastly what they symbolize, of course. Says here forgiveness and peace. Heh, perfect for today actually. Maybe they'll even work and Em will forgive me for leaving her side for so so long.. God, this is going to be so hard..

Doubts were starting to creep in along with the dampening of my mood. It was like my previous confidence was being sucked out. Although I guess I shouldn't have expected more. Random boost of confidence and willpower to go see her, why wouldn't it fade at random too?

I suppose I could still turn back... not too late. Ugh, no no no! I'm already here, and.. she deserves this.

She deserves something better.

Where was my fight against these thoughts from earlier? The impulsive decision to come down here was starting to look flimsier and flimsier and more and more of my thoughts began to revert back to the fear and worry from before.

It's easy to say I can deal with a breakdown... but can I REALLY? What if it's even worse than last time? What if every time one happens, I'm just watching more of her die? Or.. what if that sedative the nurses keep giving her are slowly turning her brain dead? What if she's really just dying slowly from drugs she can never recover from

I paused for a moment, the anxiety spiking before flickering only for a moment as my eyes rescanned two words on that silly little handmade card.

Forgiveness, and peace.

She... at least deserves a proper goodbye rather than me just crapping out on her! I at least owe her that. Yeah.. a proper goodbye to tell her how much she's meant to me, and how much I'll always, always, love her. Maybe then... if she can hear me... that'll put us both at peace. A proper apology, and a peaceful goodbye.

There wasn't another confidence boost like before. No feeling like I could conquer the world, or like something was guiding me in this decision. However, I had made up my mind all the same.

Even if this time.. I felt absolutely alone in doing so.

_________________________________________

My breath hitched as sharply as the first moment I saw her after her disappearance once I entered Emily's familiar room. And it took a moment for me to regain my bearings enough to sit next to her in the chair I had been in so many times before.

Her hair was still matted, messy, and in her face like usual; and her blue eyes that used to shine so kindly, were still dead and blank as I saw them directed at the wall in front. However, with some time away.. it was no longer familiar.

No longer something I was desensitized to. And it hurt so much more to see like this.

"Hey Em. Sorry I'm a little late, I know visitation hours started ten minutes ago but I um... I was kind of fighting with some flowers. Heh.."

It was almost funny how a laugh or chuckle that normally represented a feeling of joy could also be something caused by anxiety or a feeling of dread- as it was now.

I didn't know how to go about this. Even if she couldn't hear me, it still felt so difficult with a lump in my throat as I swollowed, and a heavy feeling in my chest with every beat of my heart.

"Emily I um... I need to talk to you. I-I know I haven't been seeing you like I used to. Like... Like I promised you I would. But I um.."

I had to stop for a moment to clear my throat as it broke from the strain being forced upon it by the lump that had grown larger to be able to carry the guilt I was feeling.

How was I to say this..? How should I collect my thoughts to find put what I needed to say?

After my heart seemed to calm down some and the pain in my throat faded enough to allow words, I took a deep breath before preparing to speak once again. Making sure I chose my words carefully, perhaps more for me than her since she still hadn't given any sort of indication of listening.

"I'm here to... to say I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for leaving you by yourself for so long, I'm sorry I can't be the boyfriend you deserve, I'm sorry for any moment I've ever put you through more pain by trying to help you. And... I'm here to say goodbye. I can't keep coming here like this... I could be hurting you just as much as it's killing me. But you... you deserve me actually telling you that rather than disappearing like a coward. Of course I'm not leaving you completely alone, Isabelle and Alex still visit all the time, so you'll still have comfort if that really is what you need. However will... this will likely be the last time you see me. I truly... t-truly hope the best for you baby... I want you to have all the happiness, love, joy, and peace in the world... And I really really hope youre still able to find that, and that youre still able to recover."

I couldn't suppress the tears flooding my eyes. I didn't want to leave her. I felt like I was throwing away everything we had these years over me not being strong enough to handle this. It took a random boost of confidence just to get me to visit again to begin with. Hell, from the beginning I was worried I'd drag her down with me rather than lift her up, but instead she was the rock and stability I needed to pull me up. However, now...?

She needed someone who could keep her from breaking any more. Who could handle what it would take for her to heal.

And that wasn't me. Even if it was those voices chanting it in my head, that didn't make it false. I had proven it by failing her countless times, and just by how hard it was to be near her at the moment.

I learned over and gave her a soft kiss on the forehead, staying like that for a few seconds to pour all of my love into her in the one farewell, before I pulled away and said five words.

"Goodbye, Emily. And... I love you."

I pulled away and went to take the old flowers out of the vase before placing the new ones in there.

These... would be the last ones from me.

I took one last look at her. She didn't budge, not a single change in expression or position as she still stared blankly, and had her hair as disheveled as before.

It's almost funny.. I had begged for her to come back. She went missing and all I wanted was to be near her again, in any form. Yet... now I'm about to leave her for the last time. I just hope... I'm strong enough at least to stay away. I don't want to hurt her any more than I already might have in my attempts to bring her back.

Because I'm not suited to take care of her.

I was walking to the door now, not daring another glance back. And as I shut it once more? My heart ached so deeply at knowing it was for the very last time.

Ahh this might have some parts that suck, and I'm sorry for that. I will however say, if the plot is confusing let me know in comments and I'll explain 😊