Go back.

That voice kept playing in my head, asking the same thing of me that I couldn't do now as I was already out of the building and walking me to the car.

Go back.

It would call again. Calmly, as if it was the certain thing to do.

I...I can't. I won't be able to take seeing her like that anymore. I know it's an excuse, I know I'm afraid! It doesn't have anything to do with being "too busy" or having "sooooo much going on". It's just me being afraid to see her like that. I'm afraid.. of her never recovering. Of watching her like that for years to come with us both aging only in body. Of us both being trapped in this horrible loop with no way out! Of being.. the cause to her loop. That's why I said goodbye properly. Cause I know I'm doing this like a coward who's scared.... but at least she'll know it. If... If she can hear me that is.

My heart ached in my chest, hating what I was doing as I forced my legs to keep going against the call in my mind.

That's right. You ARE causing this loop. You're failing her. Which is why it's better if someone else takes the wheel. Don't you agree? I mean, you're the coward who even had the THOUGHT of leaving her, how could someone like you take care of her with monstrous wants like that?

The voice was right. Whatever power had washed over me before that made me go in the first place had left hours ago, and yet I had already forgotten what it felt like. Maybe it had only come in the first place to give me strength to say my farewells? Perhaps that really was it. This was what I was meant to do for her, even if it felt like every step was putting another knife through my heart as memories of us flashed through my mind.

When I met her officially.

When I realized I was in love with her.

When I had to go through watching her crush on another guy, oblivious to my feelings as I waited patiently for her.

When I finally got the guts to tell her. The smile that was on her face as she hugged me.

Our first date.

My first job.

Our first home.

The moment I realized my nightmares went away by her side.

The moment I knew I wanted to propose.

I was at the car now, but for some reason I couldn't open the handle. I was right there. My thoughts were screaming at me to do it. Telling me to not be weak, to not go back just to ruin what I was trying to do for her. And yet... even with all the screaming and yelling in my mind, there was still that small, calm, patient, little whisper in my mind.

Go back.

There wasn't any strength given like before, the other voice in my mind hadn't quieted at all, but I still found my body moving back towards the hospital with vigor.

You weak pathetic excuse for a person! Is this what you want for her or is this just your OWN desire!? Do you think you can make her happy again!? You'll just break again in a few days over her next tantrum once you're reminded how hard this is! You CANT support her! Not without destroying yourself!

Maybe this was making me a bigger coward. Maybe this was only caused by my desire to not leave her overpowering what I had thought to be the selfless act of allowing someone else to be there for her since I wasn't a good influence on her healing. However, at the moment I didn't care.

I was so concerned with avoiding all of her bad moments, that I forgot I'd be losing all of the good moments we had too. And as I rushed back in to go see her, I think I finally, finally understood a semblance of why my mother always ran back to my father time after time again.

Those songs about heartbreak, the poems about truly loving something, all the different ways of telling the same message about loving something enough to let it go, what they didn't tell you...

Was that real love, was holding on even if it hurt. Because letting go was easy when the excuses justified it. Holding on the harder it gets, continuing to try and fail and allowing that process to continue?

That was real commitment, and real love.  Because it meant it was something- or was someone- worth fighting for.

Go back.

I listened to that voice now as I checked back in, and ran through the halls like I was running out of time. And as I got there, as I got to her room again and opened the door, I heard something I wasn't expecting. Something I never thought I'd hear again only moments ago, even in my decision to go back.

She was saying my name.

It was a hoarse whisper as she said it on repeat. Something so quiet that I almost mistakened it in my disbelief as my ears playing tricks on me.

But as I stumbled to her side, leaning closely to her. I saw the blank, dim, look still there, but accompanied by a tiny, muttered, name.

"A...Aiden. Ai....den... Aid...en... Aiden..."

She kept repeating it, as if she was trying to find me, trying to call out to me because she didn't know where I was.

I had tears filling my eyes as I grabbed her hand gently, like I used to do, finding that it was skinnier than before, like she had been losing weight.

"B-Baby... I'm right here. I-I'm right here sweetheart."

She didn't look up, there wasn't any response, and there was no hesitation as she kept calling my name. But even so, hearing her voice again made me smile softly while the tears built more.

She doesn't see me, but it's a start. She's actually doing something now, and she not hysterical. I... I don't want to make this worse or hurt her, however maybe I can try a few things, some things to get her to see me again. To realize I didn't leave her.

I tried kissing her temple, gently stroking her cheek, putting myself in front of her so she'd actually be facing me and maybe be able to see me. Yet nothing changed. She just kept saying that name like a broken record.

"Oh sweet girl.. I don't know what to do for you. You're making progress here and I don't know how to help it move foward."

If I knew more, if I could help her somehow, if I could just get her to see me.

After a moment, when I spoke, I noticed the smallest spark of recognition in her eyes as her brows furrowed a little. For a moment, I felt elated, hoping beyond hope she had heard me.

However, that changed to worry as my heart dropped into my stomach at hearing her call my name louder. Her breathing was harder, she started to look scared, and that was when I realized what was happening.

She was reliving something, and was calling out to me because- through whatever she had been experiencing in this moment- I was on her mind.

I didn't know if her call of my name was due to her wanting me to save her, desire to see me again, or just out of her simply trying to escape what had happened by thinking of good memories of us. However I did know she was screaming the word now, so scared without me being able to do a thing.

"Aiden...? AIDEN.... AIDEN! AIDEN! AIIIDEEEN!"

I immediately tried to hug her like before, but I stopped myself since I didn't know if touch right now would hurt her more, so I went with simple words to try to sooth her.

"Shhh.. It's okay, I'm not leaving, I'm right here baby. You're safe now. I'm RIGHT here for you. I promise you Em I'm not leaving again.."

I meant it, every word. I wasn't going to leave again. Hell, I knew I'd never forgive myself for almost leaving only fifteen minutes ago to leave her calling out to no one there at all. But the words didn't stop her.

She wasn't thrashing or trying to throw things, but I could still tell she was spiraling to that point soon as she continued hyperventilating while screaming her lungs out.

God... she sounded like she was in so much pain. So hurt, so confused, so scared. It tore every part of me open, and the voices were telling my smartly how they knew this would happen again.

However I had no desire to leave her. To run from this.

Because painful or not, this was progress. And I knew she wouldn't be able to heal without this hurt. It was something that had scared me off before, but right now, I was just thinking of the Em I knew.

She was worth going through this to get back.

The nurses came in a few minutes after she had started screeching, sedative in hand. All the while dread filled me as I saw the needle. I knew that as soon as they gave her that, she would go back to being a mindless doll. And I couldn't have that, not now when she's actually making headway.

"Wait! She's making progress you can't give her that!"

"Sir, if she keeps this up she'll damage her voice and potentially cause more injury for herself if it turns physical.

"But it hasn't yet! She's just talking! She's finally talking again! Isn't that a GOOD thing!? Why the hell would you wipe that away!?"

I was almost as loud as Emily as I spoke to the nurses unfazed by me. I wasn't about to let them give this to her again though. I wouldn't watch her regress again. But, that did mean I'd have to calm her, and fast.

"Em.. please, calm down. I'm right here, no one will hurt you, please, please, calm down. It's just you and me here. No one is hurting you.."

I kept chanting soothing words as I tried to bring her attention to me. My actions were getting desperate now as the nurses got closer. I needed some sort of miracle right now. A miracle like the one that made me turn away from my car.

I needed Emily to come back, even if only for a moment, I needed her back.

All hope shriveled up however, when Emily's words faded, and the lifeless stare was back.

Finally, there had finally been something. Even more than when she looked at me for a moment.

Fury filled my very being as I saw the nurse standing next to her with the syringe.

Oh just the sight of that item snapped the cage wide open. Allowing everything pent up to rush out in the monster's moment of control.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE IN THOSE?!!! DO YOU ALL WANT HER TO SUFFER!!? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO HER YOU MOTHERF-"

I continued to break down as my sorrow and pain turned into more anger. The others tried their best to calm me, to get me to let go of the terrified woman, but the only think I could hear was the blood roaring in my ears and the only thing my vision saw was Emily going back into that state as all life was drained from her.

I was scared. It had taken a year for Emily to just get tovwhere she was then. What if it took another for it to happen again, and what if it was wiped by those drugs immediately after?

I couldn't even tell anyone what all I said to the nurse as I screamed, cried, and cursed. However I do know that after what seemed like an eternity of this, there was a sharp pain in my neck and my body felt weak before collapsing a moment later.