Chapter 5: Time Is Like a Sword

1. Wang Zheng's Lover

A teenage girl's heart is like a flower, it will flourish for the person they like and also wither for the person they like.
Some people's flourishing and withering are like a red rose under the sunlight, no matter whether it's opening or closing, it's all done spectacularly, becoming a legend in the memories of other people.
Some people's flourishing and withering are like a wild lily in a mountain valley, No matter if it's opening or closing, it is silent, becoming a secret buried in time.

I was too concentrated on my own things so only a long time after the speech competition finished did I learn that Wang Zheng didn't go to technical school.

In that era, in our city, no matter how bad your grades were, you still went to technical school because technical school was jointly run with several large scale state owned enterprises (nowadays it's called monopolized industries). After graduating from technical school, you go straight into various large state owned enterprises depending on which specialized field you're in. You'll definitely have a secure job with a good income and just as good benefits.

So parents with lower expectation's didn't worry if their children's grades were bad because even if their grades were bad, they would still have a secure job as a way out. However, Wang Zheng has a strong personality, in spite of his parents' cries and threats, he still wouldn't go to technical school. At that type, this type of action was completely a kind of suicide.

Wang Zheng took his drum set and came to 'Across the Water', he also found a few friends who were going the path as him, formed a band and started to perform live.

At the time, most of the dance halls in our city played tapes as accompaniment and there pretty much weren't any halls that used live bands as accompaniment like Brother Li did. Plus, Wang Zheng was truly handsome and once the lights were on him, he started playing the drums with no restraint like there wasn't anyone else present making all the girls who watched him become delirious.

Brother Li found a few pretty girls who dressed up like the female leads of Chuing Yao's television series to sing on stage. Quickly, 'Across the Water' became extremely popular in our city. No matter if it was male or female, they all stove to be the first to go to 'Across the Water.'

However, there's also no need to think of the dance hall as being too complicated, society's morals in that era were much better than it is now. Dance halls were only a place to listen to songs and dance. One of my classmate's parents went to dance there regularly and they also brought my classmate and her sister along to play there in the weekends, the grades of both siblings were very good.

But it can't be said that the dance hall didn't have any random things, there were pornography among the young people but those were definitely hidden under the table.

Because Wang Zheng performed at the dance hall, Xiao Fel also started going regularly.

The girls dressed and acted completely different to a student at school. Even when saying a simple sentence to a guy, they would say it sweetly and tactfully.

Wang Zheng became more and more cold towards Xiao Fei to the extent that he really hated Xiao Fei following him to the dance hall. Xiao Fei became confused and her confidence broke down bit by bit. She no longer stopped other people calling her 'Fei Er' and subconsciously started dressing like Chen Fei Er from 'The Flowering Season Of Age Sixteen', as if she would only be able to surpass everyone else if she dressed like a celebrity.

I didn't know about any of these. I was busy striving to succeed in the speech competition and busy chasing the shadow in my heart. It was until Xiao Bo told me, "Qi Qi, last night Ge Xiao Fei was drunk and fought with other people. For your sake, Brother Li didn't say anything but it's best if you go persuade her not to go to 'Across the Water' anymore. She's too young and she doesn't have parental supervision so she's not suited to go to dance halls.

That night, I also went to 'Across the Water'. Although the school strictly forbade middle school students to enter dance halls, but it was very clear that there were quite a lot of middle school students coming in and out. There were a number of people who I recognized, Li Shen from our class, the flower of Class (8), all were beautiful teenage girls. The younger girls would have lots of guys chasing them. Not everyone were as pure hearted and desire free like Guan He, between dull textbooks and interesting guys, most of the pretty girls would choose the latter.

On the stage, a girl with long hair, wearing a white silk dress, was singing 'The Moon Represents My Heart'. Pairs of guys and girls were lighting dancing along on the dance floor. The lighting was soft and picturesque like starlight, shining on them as they danced.

Candlelight shone from every small table beside the dance floor, it really seemed like you were across the water and no longer in the human world.

It was the first time I entered the dance hall and I didn't know where to put my feet and legs but I didn't display this ignorance, instead I walked composedly from table to table, carefully looking for Xiao Fei. Only when I looked clearly did I realize that this wasn't the 'Across the Water' from the 'Book of Songs', the twinkling lights weren't romantic but full of lust.

I looked around but couldn't find Xiao Fei. Just as I was walking past a room, I saw a glimpse on a girl with two small ponytails. The guys around her were pouring her drinks. She had her head lowered and her shoulders were trembling as if she was crying.

I immediately rushed in but a hand suddenly reached out from nowhere and grabbed hold of my wrist. The other hand pressed down on my shoulder and forced me to retreat. After I retreated, the girl on the sofa raised her head. She was around twenty or so and she was giggling, her whole body lightly shaking with laughter and the guy who was playing with her was Little Six.

I nearly just caused trouble.

The person who held my wrist and forced me out of the room was Zhang Jun and standing beside him was his kindergarten teacher girlfriend.

Although he saved me, I didn't feel grateful and instead, glared at him and threw off his hand.

Zhang Jun coldly asked, "What do you want to do?"

I asked, "Where's Ge Xiao Fei?"

Zhang Jun said, "Not here."

However, his girlfriend said, "Ge Xiao Fei? Is it that person who thinks of herself as Chen Fei Er?

I glared at her. She laughed and pointed towards another room, "Over there."

I qickly ran over and saw Xiao Fei and a group of guys and girls squeezed together. When I say 'squeezed', I truly wasn't exaggerating. The sofa originally could only fit seven or eight people but was currently holding more than ten. The guys and girls were all you hold me and I cuddle you. There were people drinking alcohol and people smoking. Under the dim lighting, the girls who wore makeup all pretty much looked exactly the same.

I didn't dare believe the scene I saw in front of me and my heart hurt to the utmost. I squeezed over to pull Xiao Fei. I don't know whether Xiao Fei was drunk or had eaten something she shouldn't have, she was laughing dazedly. I pulled her but she unhappily pulled away my hand.

The people around her all laughed. Many of them were impatiently and shouted straight out, "Get lost!" "Don't seek to be beaten!" I didn't say anything. I pulled Xiao Fei up with force and the guy next to her got angry. He stood up and wanted to hit me but behind me, Zhang Jun said, "Let her go."

That guy sat back down again. I half carried and half dragged Xiao Fei out. She was in my arms yelling unwillingly, shocking the people who watched. Luckily the manager had seen me before or else the people watching might have clashed with me. The manager helped pull Xiao Fei to the side. Xiao Fei lay on the sofa laughing foolishly.

I looked at her but I didn't know what to do. How did she change to this? This kind of hairstyle was truly like Chen Fei Er's but where was Chen Fei Er's pure and clean temperament? Where was Chen Fei Er's positive attitude during awkward situations?

I asked the manager, "Is she only drunk or......"

The manager carefully inspected her then told me, "She's only drunk, she didn't eat anything bad."

I was slightly more at ease, "Where's Wang Zheng?"

The manager looked at his watch then said, "It's not yet time for him to come on stage but it's soon."

"Does Wang Zheng have a girlfriend?"

"The female guests who come here all like Wang Zheng."

The manager's answer was very clever. However, I didn't decide to give her the opportunity to shirk responsibility. I pointed at Xiao Fei and asked, "How does he treat this girl? Has he bullied her before?"

The manager hesitated, I continued, "If Xiao Bo was standing here asking you, would you also be so hesitant?"

She immediately said, "Average, but he's also a bit impatient with her and treats her worse than anyone else."

I was playing with a candle from the table and the wax dripped onto my hand but I didn't wipe it off, instead, I tilted the candle and concentrated on watching it drip into my palm.

The manager sat down by my side and overcautiously said, "Wang Zheng isn't a bad person, there are lots of people who like him but he has never used these girls' feelings to take advantage of them. I think......I think that it's for her good that he's treating her badly. I heard the band talk privately, Wang Zheng is currently saving up money. He wants to go to Guang Zhou in the future. There are lots of people there who also like music and there will be companies looking for him to record."

I was stunned and dazedly watched the candle wax drip into my palm. The manager quietly said, "I'm going back to work. Wang Zheng will come on stage after another few minutes, do you want to drink anything?"

"No."

A girl with two braids was currently on stage singing, 'Don't Pick Roadside Wildflowers', she had a lively stage atmosphere, attracting the people below the stage to laugh along with her.

After she finished singing, the atmosphere in the dance hall calmed down. The older people started to leave one afther the other. More and more young people came on the dance floor.

As I was suspiciously watching the young people gather on the dance floor, suddenly, the sound of a guitar started, and with the drumming, the rock and roll started. The entire dance floor changed from tepid middle aged people to roused youths.

The guys and girls on the dance floor were all very excited. They waved their fists while loudly singing with the bad as if they were venting out everything they've been suppressing up to now.

A handsome guy wearing tight black leather pants and a white shirt was currently concentrating all his attention on playing the drums. His eyes were downcast and he had an unconcerned expression. He didn't look once at the crowd and was only immersed in his own world. His long hair moved with his strong body movements and paired with the calmness on his face, it created a contrasting charm. So assertive, distinct, hot, yet so indifferent to other people, no wonder the girls all went crazy for him.

In a second, I seemed to understand Wang Zheng from the music, apart from caring about himself, nothing else exists. No wonder Xiao Fei likes him, how similar he was to her!He acted as if there was no one else and only lived for himself, so although Xiao Fei cared about him, he only cared about his music.

I turned around only to find Xiao Fei no longer on the sofa. I hurriedly squeezed into the dance floor to look for her. Looking at Wang Zheng, I felt worried, just how much did Xiao Fei like him?

After their song ended, the music on stage changed to 'Nothing to My Name'.

"I once endlessly asked, when will you come with me, but you always laughed at me for having nothing to my name."

The crowd became more frenzied, the boys and girls around me all started to shout. It was the first time the me who had never come in contact with rock and roll before understood it's charm.

I had difficult weaving through the crowd searching for Xiao Fei. When I finally saw her, she was staggering along, trying to climb up the stage as if wanting to grab Wang Zheng. The guy who had her in his arms appeared and went to hug her. Xiao Fei wanted to push him away and pushed for a few times before finally succeeding. Just as she was about to leave, she was pulled into the guy's arms again. Xiao Fei turned around and gave him a slap in the face and without restraint, he also gave her a slap back.

Everyone was still reveling in the deafening sounds of the music, and no one saw the chaos happening in the corner of the dance floor. Although Wang Zheng saw the scene beneath his foot, he was unconcerned and continued drumming indifferently.

I finally squeezed to the front of the stage. That person still wanted to hug Xiao Fei. This time before Xiao Fei moved, I slapped his face. He was dazed for a bit then let out his fury, wanting to hit me. I picked up a steel pipe lamp and considered if I should swing it on his head. He saw that I had something in my hand and stopped. His brothers gathered around and smirked at me.

Because it was at a corner of the dance floor, it was very close to the tables. There were still unfinished alcohol and drinks on the table. In that instant, I had a really evil thought. If I spilled the drinks on their bodies then pulled out the electric wire from the steel pipe lamp and threw it on them, I don't know what would happen, if it was as the books said, that liquid which were not pure can conduct electricity.

However, Zhang Jun and Xiao Bo didn't give me this opportunity to verify my thoughts. The two of them blocked my front and back. Xiao Bo's face was livid. He grabbed the lamp from my hands and pulled me away. The person beside him pulled Xiao Fei along.

Brother Li was in his office waiting for us. When he saw me, he smiled, "Female bandi, how did you plan on tackling a few guys alone?"

I didn't say anything. He stared at me then looked at Xiao Fei who was now sober, "For Wang Zheng again! So fucking annoying! Call Wang Zheng over!"

Wang Zheng entered and saw the room full of people but he had no reaction and wore a very calm expression.

Brother Li said, "This girl is our little sister's friend. Today because of you, our little sister nearly clashed with Little Six's people. Speaking clearly with her here today, I no longer want to see her in the dance hall in the future."

I wanted to prevent it but I thought better of it. Although Brother Li's method was cruel, it was swift and resolute.

Xiao Fei saw Wang Zheng and immediately smoothed her hair and wiped her tears, she looked both anxious and joyful.

Wang Zheng sat in front of her, stared into her eyes and said very clearly, "I know you like me but I don't like you. I didn't say it out in the past because I thought you were small and I saw you as a little sister so I hoped you would understand yourself. But now you're making such a ruckus I can't work at ease which makes me extremely despise you. Can you disappear from my sight and let me work at ease?" After he finished, he looked over to Brother Li, "Is this okay?"

Brother Li nodded, Wang Zheng turned and left.

Xiao Fei's face was ghastly pale. She refused to believe it and stared at Wang Zheng's back, loudly shouting, "Wang Zheng, Brother Wang Zheng......"

Wang Zheng ignored her and quickly disappeared down the corridor.

If Xiao Fei started crying loudly, I would actually feel a bit more at ease but she stupidly stared outside as if she had lost her soul. I've never seen Xiao Fei like this and I worriedly called out, "Xiao Fei!"

Xiao Fei suddenly shouted, "It's all you, why do you care! Who told you to meddle!" She shouted as she ran outside. I was about to chase her but Xiao Bo pulled me back and gave orders to the person standing by the door, "Go watch out for her, take her home."

From small to now, Xiao Fei only feared not having any setbacks yet today, she was rejected by the boy she liked in front of many people. What she was feeling right now, I could completely understand. I heard Xiao Bo order someone to watch after her so I decided not to go annoy her anymore and let her calm down alone.

Brother Li saw there was only us three left in the room. He rose and closed the door then full of stress, he asked Xiao Bo, "How does she have such an impulsive temper? Back in the year when I saw you fight, I thought that you were fierce enough, how is she even more fierce than you ah!"

Xiao Bo glared at me, "Did you have assurance you would be able to defeat them?"

"No."

"I saw that you weren't the least bit afraid. You should always have something to count on, you didn't think that the guards would help you attack guests right?"

"I had a light in my hand, the table beside me had impure liquid."

Brother Li didn't understand what I was saying but Xiao Bo completely understood. He suddenly held up his hand wanting to hit me but when his hand was nearly about to slap my face, he forced it down, wanting to take it back but it was already too late. Luckily I subconsciously moved sideways and his palm landed on my shoulder. I staggered back a few steps from his hit and nearly fell onto the floor.

Brother Li was shocked, the color on his face changed around. He quickly defended Xiao Bo, "Qi Qi, Xiao Bo hasn't this angry for years. He was impulsive, don't be angry at him......"

However, Xiao Bo coldly said, "I wasn't impulsive, I really wanted to hit her."

How weird, Xiao Bo wanted to hit me, I was on one side angry but on the other side, I felt very warm inside. I started to feel that the structuring of my brain was different to a normal person.

Someone knocked on the door, "Brother Li, someone has been seen taking drugs."

Brother Li's face immediately turned blue. He rushed outside as he ordered Xiao Bo, "I'm giving this girl to you to teach."

Only Xiao Bo and I were left in the office. The two of us both didn't say anything.

After a very long time, Xiao Bo asked, "Qi Qi, are you still speaking to me?"

I lowered my head and didn't say anything. He suddenly had a very hurt expression on his face, he wanted to say something but he became quiet again. I bit my lip and surrendered, "Your question is very idiotic. If I answer you, doesn't that mean I'm speaking with you? But I'm still angry ah, you have to comfort me. Xiao Bo, you're so stupid, how will you comfort your girlfriend in the future?"

I glared at him, "Of course! You try getting hit by someone, of course I'm angry! However, if I have a brother and my brother hits me, I'd be angry but I wouldn't be angry for a lifetime."

He smiled and rubbed my shoulder, "Still hurt?"

"Mhm." I sat on Brother Li's leather chair and let him help me massage it.

He helped massage my shoulder while saying, "When I was little, my temper was very similar to yours, I fought with people. When my temper rose, there was no being light or hard, I'd pick up the brick and throw it at the opponent's head. I nearly took a life but luckily I met Brother Li. He spent a lot of money paying for it."

"What was it for?"

"A young man's impulse. It was for some things that felt very important at the time but was actually not worth it. Hypothetically speaking, if I had taken a life in the past, what do you think would've happened?"

"I wouldn't have met you."

He laughed, knowing that I was avoiding the important point but he didn't press on it, only saying, "Qi Qi, when someone is young, they can make lots of mistakes. There is always a chance to correct it but some mistakes can't be made. If they are made, there there will no longer be a road to turn back to." I didn't say anything. Xiao Bo sat on Brother Li's work desk, he put his arms on the chair handle and leaned his body forward to stare at me, "From little, we weren't the same as other kids. Other kids have laughter and doting love in their lives, they have fear and they have nostalgia but we don't. To the world, to ourselves, we carry pessimism and despair. In our subconscious, we think that living is a very hard thing. However, this isn't right. It's because fate gave us too little that we learn to love and treasure ourselves. Did you really think I was angry because you wanted to kill those three people? If there wasn't any law, if you wanted to kill them, I'd help you find a knife."

"Then...Then why were you angry for?"

"I was angry because you wanted to destroy yourself for those three trash. Are you really that worthless in your heart?"

My tears started running in my eyes but I didn't want him to see so I turned my head. He also got up and looked elsewhere, "As children, we were too small and weak. For the sake of resisting outside humiliation, we had to be ready to go all out. But now we are already big, we have to learn to use other methods to deal with conflicts in life."

I secretly wiped my tears and laughed, "Next time I'll learn to control my impulses."

Xiao Bo smiled, "The outside world is very large, you have to fly out and take a look in order not to live life in vain so you can't let your wings get hurt too early."

I seemed to understand but I didn't really understand, fly to where? Look at what?

Xiao Bo asked, "Qi Qi, what do you want to do later on?"

Other than the 'My Ideals' in writing class, pretty much no one had every asked me this question. I frowned and pondered for a while and said, "I don't know ah, when I was small, I wanted to go and live together with grandpa when I grew up but grandpa has already passed away"

"What about university?"

"It doesn't matter if I go or not. I'm not infatuated with university. Going to technical school is also pretty good, the sister who lives next to us works at the water and electricity plant. Everyday she watched the instruments in a daze and she gets paid for it. She's able to support herself at seventeen, it'll be really good if I can be like this too.

Xiao Bo never expected that my grand aspiration would actually be to go and work at a water and electricity plant to earn money at age seventeen. He resisted laughing and asked, "Staring at the meter everyday, aren't you afraid of being bored? Do you have anything you really like doing?"

"Um......Um......I like to read books. Perhaps I can open a small bookstore and pretty much read everyday while earning money." I became excited as I talked, "You do business, Xiao Fei goes to work and every weekend, we can meet up and play poker together while eating lamb skewers and drinking beer." I pointed at him, "You'll definitely be rich later on, you can't disdain the poor!"

Xiao Bo laughed heartily, "Okay, I'll treat you guys."

I also started laughing, there was a kind of happiness and a kind of relief.

Xiao Bo looked at his watch and said, "I'll take you home."

The two of us walked out side by side. Although it was close to midnight, business was good in the dance hall. I asked him, "Is the decor in here your idea?"

"Mhm."

Zhang Jun and his girlfriend were sitting together. It was like something was weighing on his mind, every five words she said, he replied with one. The girl swayed his arm while talking, her eyes watching the dance floor seemingly pleading him to go and dance.

There were bursts of pain in my heart yet my eyes didn't leave him, it truly was being masochistic!

Zhang Jun suddenly stood up. My heart leaped violently only to immediately realize he was looking at Xiao Bo. Xiao Bo greeted him, "Much thanks for just then."

He politely said, "It's us who are embarrassed for causing trouble at Brother Li and Brother Xiao Bo's place."

Xiao Bo waved the manager over and gave orders while smiling, "Put the cost of the alcohol on this table into my tab."

Zhang Jun didn't decline, only saying, "Thanks Brother Xiao Bo."

Zhang Jun's girlfriend said, "Brother Xiao Bo, are you busy? If you're free then let's all play together!"

I couldn't resist being sarcastic, "Xiao Bo is younger than you, he should call you sister, why are you calling him brother?"

The girl's face turned bright red and her tears were about to fall. It looked like she still cared a lot inside about being older than Zhang Jun.

Xiao Bo stared at me then he was just about to say a few words to ease up the atmosphere when Zhang Jun was was indifferent the whole time suddenly laughed, "She's my girlfriend, since I call Xiao Bo brother, of course she would also call Xiao Bo brother."

The girl immediately broke into a smile and it was my turn to choke. However, I wasn't taught by Treasure Bowl and Ceng Hong for nothing, although my heart was as sour as matured vinegar, the smile on my face was as brilliant as the spring breeze. I intimately clutched Xiao Bo's arm, "Let's go!"

Xiao Bo said goodbye to Zhang Jun, "We won't interrupt your fun, we'll go first."

Outside the dance hall, I asked Xiao Bo, "Did you think that girl just then is pretty?"

Xiao Bo asked, "Which one? There are girls everywhere in the dance hall."

"Zhang Jun's girlfriend."

"I didn't look closely, do you hate her a lot? Why did you speak like that just then? Although that Zhang Jun hands out with Little Six and them, his temper isn't like Little Six's. You should thank him for what happened tonight."

I was disheartened, never mind! What's the point of asking if she's pretty or not, anyhow she is prettier than me. I half truthfully said, "She said bad things about Xiao Fei first so I didn't take a liking to her. She isn't some paragon of morals so what right does she have to judge Xiao Fei?"

Xiao Bo sighed and laughed.

We were close to my house, I waved at him, "No need to take me any further, there are lots of people who gossip in our building."

He stopped and I ran home.

That night, I lay on bed I thought of Xiao Fei then thought to myself. It seems as if our fates are different but we were alike, the people who we love don't love us. The person she loves only loves the loneliness of music, the person I love only loves the temptations in the world of mortals, who is a little more fortunate?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My thoughts:

-I can understand how Xiao Bo felt, he almost killed someone so hearing Qi Qi calmly say she wanted to electrocute the guys and ruin her life just like how he nearly had done made him lose temper, especially since he's now realized how stupid his mistake was.

-And finally wow. All this time, I had this great image of Wang Zheng when actually, he's a jerk. I guess it is in a way Xiao Fei's fault for continuing to like him even though she probably knew inside he had no feelings for her but the way he handled it was horrible!! Poor girl. Plus that moment when he saw her get hit yet chose to pretend to not see. Wow, someone needs to get punched off their high pedestal.

How did you feel after reading the first part? Are you ready to find out about the second very important thing that happens?!?!?!?

Those on team Zhang Jun, prepare yourselves!!

I pondered whether I should release this part as a whole or as two parts because two very important (???) things happen. I decided in the end to release this as two parts because I'm keen to get your reactions on these two important things so do comment!

(Don't worry this part is happy happy.)

2. Sadness is also a very complicated matter.

Legend says the carp wants to jump over the Dragon's Gate*. He has to take off all his fish scales and cut off his fin before he can change into a dragon.
Legend says the bird has to burn itself to death and bathe in fiery pain before it can change into a phoenix.
Is it necessary go through the pain of ignorance during youth in order to obtain the wisdom of maturity?

*[Idiom symbolizing a sudden rise in social status- often used to encourage students to obtain success through hard work and perseverance.]

Ever since Wang Zheng clearly said that he didn't like Xiao Fei, she stopped going to the dance hall.

She looked pretty much the same as before, she still laughed loudly and shouted loudly as if she didn't in the slightest bit remember who Wang Zheng was. However, she no longer was herself. After she put on clothes and brushed her hair, she'd always ask me, "Does it look good?" Again and again as if whether or not she looked good was completely decided by others.

She no longer rejected invitations from the other guys, she liked to go out to play with the most popular guys in school but after going with them for a few times, she'd become bored, stop taking notice of him and change to the next one. She became the girl who liked to play the most in our year level. In the eyes of the other girls, she changed 'boyfriends' at the same speed as changing clothes. If it was a boy who was like this, many girls would say, "Girls only love bad boys," but towards Xiao Fei, they sparingly used the most vicious words to attack her behind her back with.

I watched Xiao Fei's change with detachment, although it pained me, but I had no other way because I knew that I was powerless to stop her, if I said too much, she would choose not to heed my words and instead stay away from me.

I cold only treat her like a child going through their rebellious period and patiently stay by her side, hoping that her sad and confused days would pass by faster. After her pain subsides, she'll discover that Wang Zheng's negativeness doesn't represent the negatives in life, whether or not she's pretty comes from inside her heart and not from other people's words.

I tried my best to use our friendship to influence her decisions by setting her friendship circle within middle school students. In my opinion, these people are still pure, if Xiao Fei played with them, nothing would happen. It's just that I felt apologetic towards them for using them as Xiao Fei's heartbreak cannon fodder.

During that period of time, I lived very chaotically, one side was the beautiful world of love inside romance novels, the other side was cruel reality. If say I couldn't obtain the good graces of my dream prince, I could still understand but what about Xiao Fei? She was pretty, smart, friendly and kind but her prince wouldn't even look at her once. I started to wonder, is there really a kind of thing called love in this world? In this world, can a girl really hope for a guy to wholeheartedly cherish her, love her?

Wondering is wondering but I still enjoyed reading romance novels and I continued to diligently read them. When I walked out of a dream, I'd walk into another dream. In reality, life was too barren, only the dreams weaved from novels can add a little more color to life.

In the pain and confusion of growing up, the first term of the second year ended. Our end of term results came out, other people didn't have much change but Xiao Fei only ranked forth in her class. In the eyes of others, this was still a good grade but to Xiao Fei, this was the worst grade she's had.

Xiao Fei didn't care at all, no only did she have no restraint, because it was winter vacation, she completely let go and played. She intentionally avoided places related to me, probably to hide from Wang Zheng and also because she didn't want me to care about her but how could I not care?

Once, she was drunk and had a drunken fit at someone else's karaoke bar. When I went to pick her up, she flung onto me and sobbed.

She was extremely heartbroken yet I couldn't do anything. I could only pat her back and continuously say, "It will pass, no pain can fight against time, there will be a day when you'll forget about him." But I couldn't even be certain myself, really? Will we really forget the people we've liked before?

Just as I was about to hold Xiao Fei and leave, I heard a person cry in the corner of the bar. The sound seemed familiar so I turned back to look, it was actually Zhang Jun's girlfriend. Xiao Fei was sad because of Wang Zheng, what was she sad for?

I wanted to leave but seeing her drunk made me worried so I could only take her out too.

With Xiao Fei like this, I didn't dare to take her straight home; I didn't know where Zhang Jun's girlfriend lives so I could only call a taxi and go to Xiao Bo's karaoke bar first.

Wu Zei sent people out to find Zhang Jun to come and pick her up and I poured Xiao Fei strong tea.

When Zhang Jun came, his girlfriend had already lost consciousness. Wu Zei greeted him, Zhang Jun politely said, "Sorry for troubling you."

Wu Zei pointed at me, "It was Four Eyed Panda who suddenly did her daily good deed, it has nothing to do with me."

Zhang Jun looked at me but didn't say anything. He held up his girlfriend and left. I stared at his back and had a strong urge to throw the apple in my hand at him. Wu Zei shivered, "Four Eyed Panda, since you despise Zhang Jun so much, why did you help his girlfriend?"

I smiled sweetly, "Who said I despise him?" Then I stood up to look at Xiao Fei.

Wu Zei shouted after me, "If you don't despise him, why did you squeeze the apple like this?"

After Xiao Fei became sober, I sent her to the bottom of her building and watched her go up before I left. I knew that tomorrow, she'll still go out to play with some guy. These guys usually were usually better at playing than studying and were skilled at smoking, drinking and fighting.

Actually, in a sense, I was also considered brokenhearted, it's just that I was cowardly and overcautious and hid everything inside so I didn't even dare to reveal my sadness.

I signed up for a holiday drawing class and started to draw seriously. To be able to be assigned to the top class for his third year of high school, Xiao Bo started to pick up his textbook and revise schoolwork while doing questions.

Xiao Bo saw that I was struggling all day with a bunch of colors and couldn't help but ask, "Why are you interested in drawing all of a sudden?"

I suddenly decided to tell him my secret, "Because I envy this girl, she's too outstanding, beautiful and intelligent, her grades are good, she knows how to play the er hu, sing, write, the essays she writes are good, she can pretty much do everything."

Xiao Bo didn't understand, "What does this have to do with you drawing?"

"I inquired around for a long time and heard that she doesn't know how to draw so I decided to learn to draw."

Xiao Bo turned stupefied then continued to laugh, "You actually envy someone? What's her name? I want to go and see how many arms and legs she has."

I glared at him, "You can't! Every guy who has seen her before like her, I don't allow you to like her so you can't see her."

Xiao Bo was astonished, "You really envy her?"

I nodded then said with an immeasurable sadness, "In the past I wished I could change myself to her, I hated being myself but now I understand that no matter whether or not you like yourself, you can only be you so I don't hate myself anymore but I'm still envious of her. To me, she's the perfect girl. On the surface, I look like I don't care but actually, I've been secretly comparing us, and secretly working hard but every time I feel like I've improved a little, become a little more outstanding, when I see her, I immediately realize that the distance between us is still so far. I feel like in this lifetime, no matter how hard I try, I definitely won't be able to chase up to her. Even envying her is a joke because envy only suits people who don't have such a big distance between them, for instance, Li Shen can envy Xiao Fei for being prettier than her but she definitely can't go and envy Brigitte Lin* for being prettier than her. So, do you understand? Actually I don't even have the right to envy her." I took a long and hard sigh, "I can only go and learn their weaknesses to secretly give myself some confidence, it's better than nothing!"
*[Brigitte Lin is a Taiwanese actress.]

Xiao Bo gently said, "You are you, an unique individual, there's no need to compare with other people."

I didn't say anything, I lowered my head to dilute my watercolors. He wouldn't understand that kind of envy, to envy someone to yearning for everything she has.

On the third day of Lunar New Year, I went to pay Teacher Gao a new year's call. Teacher Gao lamented, "Last year there were still quite a few students who came, this year there are less than half. Probably next year there will only be you and Zhang Jun."

She asked about my grades, I truthfully reported it to her and she sighed smiling. She asked me, "When do you plan on studying properly?"

I truthfully said, "Actually, I have lots of interest to the sciences stream and I've also been studying earnestly, it's just that I'm not hardworking enough, I want to be hardworking but as soon as I start playing, I don't want to study. How do those good students resist?"

Just as I was chatting to Teacher Gao, Zhang Jun came in to pay his new year's call. His way of paying a new year's call was completely different to mine, I went empty handed and only brought my mouth along whereas he came with two hands full of presents, no wonder he was rich.

Teacher Gao was very happy to see him, she let him in while saying, "You came just at the right time, Qi Qi is here too."

I stood up and said, "Teacher Gao, I made plans to go to my classmate's house to play so I won't stay any longer."

Teacher Gao was regretful, "Can't you stay a while longer? The three of us haven't chatted for a long time."

I apologetically said, "I made plans early in the morning."

Zhang Jun stood on the side with an expression of indifference and didn't say anything. After saying "Goodbye" to Teacher Gao, I left her house.

I walked slowly with my hands in my pockets and with the cold wind blowing by, I attempted to analyse my heart.

When Zhang Jun wasn't there, I would keep thinking about him, guessing what he was doing and look forward to our chance encounter; but once he appears in front of me, I can't wait to escape. So do I want to meet him or not meet him?

How complicated is it!

I couldn't analyse it so I might as well stop and go back to drawing.

A person's heart is too complicated, there are no roads that can lead straight to a heart but drawing can be grasped with diligent practice.

After New Year's, everyone's pockets had quite a lot of money and the temperature was hold thus everyone liked to cozy up and play inside so the karaoke bar's business was booming.

My New Year's money was all dedicated to my painting careers. It was both painful and sweet, painful because I didn't even have a dime left in my pockets, no matter what I saw I could only eye it covetously and sweet because looking at the rows of pens and paint gave me a sense of achievement.

My little sister started learning the keyboard. In that era, parents all want their children to learn some arts but apart from families like Chen Jing's, few parents could afford violin and piano lessons so most chose to learn the keyboard that out of the whole class of girls, you can't find many who aren't learning it. Music teachers who taught the keyboard in their spare time were earning bucket loads.

Little sister created noises in the house all day so I moved all my painting equipment to Xiao Bo's office. Mom and dad saw me with pages and pages of scrawls and felt that I was still studying hard and on the main path so they were very at ease with me and continued to use a carefree approach towards me.

I was very happy they were using a loose approach on me, giving me the freedom to continue secretly meeting these 'bad youths' like Wu Zei. However, sometimes when I see little sister getting lectured by dad for being too lazy to practice the piano and getting punished to not watch the television that night, my feelings get complicated as if I hoped my mom and dad would come lecture and punish me.

A person's heart ah, it is really complicated!

The eighth day of New Year's, I sat in the sun on the balcony and held up my art board, watching people pass by as I pretended to practice sketching them when I saw Zhang Jun and his girlfriend enter side by side.

Not long later,the song 'Like The Fog, Like The Rain And Like The Wind' spread from one of the rooms.

To me you are like the fog like the rain and also like the wind
Coming and going only leaving emptiness
To me you are like the fog like the rain and also like the wind
Allowing my heart to turn with you

I frowned in disgust and packed up my art board, preparing to go back into the room. Suddenly, I heard tears being choked back while the song played. I couldn't help but stop in my tracks and secretly go take a look. I know that secretly peeking is wrong but I couldn't refrain myself.

The girl was crying while singing. Zhang Jun tried a few times to take the microphone away from her without success, instead, her tears dropped faster and faster. Zhang Jun gave up on taking away the microphone and sat down expressionlessly. The girl finally finished singing and talked to Zhang Jun while crying but Zhang Jun didn't say anything, only occasionally nodded. A long time later, it was still like this. I grew tired watching, weren't they tired yet?

The girl wiped her tears and forced herself to smile at Zhang Jun before running out of the karaoke bar. However, Zhang Jun still sat there as if in a daze or as if thinking about a problem.

He didn't move so I shrunk back into the corner and watched his figure from the window on the room's door.

The second day, rumors that he and the girl broke up spread.

Everyone felt sympathetic for Zhang Jun, in this circle, being dumped by a girl was a very, very embarrassing thing. Zhang Jun's mood would definitely be very low.

However, I didn't care whether or not his mood was good, I rushed into Xiao Bo's office and shouted, "Xiao Bo, let's go sing okay?"

Xiao Bo was astonished, "Don't you not like singing?"

"It's still New Year's, let's celebrate. Stop reading, let's go sing." I dragged him out and chose an empty room and started singing wildly. Wu Zei and the others came in to join the fun. I was extremely happy, I held onto the microphone and sang one song after the other while dancing. Wu Zei laughed and shouted, "Four Eyed Panda has gone crazy!"

Someone knocked outside the door, Wu Zei went to open the door and talked with the person in low voices.

The song I chose, 'Heart's Rain', started playing, I immediately put the microphone in Xiao Bo's hands and we sang together.

I faced the screen singing and laughing, Xiao Bo also sang while laughing. The two of us were both being mushy and affectionate. When Xiao Bo got to, "Miss you miss you miss you miss you, the last time I'll miss you......" he intentionally stared at me with deep sorrow and affection. He was normally steady and sedate and was hardly every so frivolous that Enchantress rocked with laughter.

"Good singing!" Wu Zei applauded and shouted good loudly. He then joked, "Who dares to snatch from you? Let's find some mates and make his wedding turn into a funeral."

I laughed and threw the fruit on the table at Wu Zei. When I turned my head, I saw a person lean on the wall near the door of the room, it was actually Zhang Jun. He expressionlessly stared at the screen. Xiao Bo also saw him and hurriedly put down the microphone and invited him to sit. He smiled, "Originally I wanted to find you to have a few drinks with but you're currently having a get-together with your friends so I won't interrupt."

Xiao Bo politely said, "We're only being silly, what do you want to drink? I'll ask them to bring it in, let's drink and play."

Zhang Jun laughed and opened the door, "No need, I'll find you for a drink next time." As he talked, he already closed the door and left.

Xiao Bo's eyes were full of puzzlement, Wu Zei said in a low voice, "He was dumped so his mind is not normal."

"When was this?"

"Just yesterday."

The next song was still a duet. I dragged the Enchantress to sing with me, "Clearly my heart desires some true feelings......"

"My song, my song......" Wu Zei snatched the microphone from my hands and sang together with the Enchantress. The two of them were indeed veterans of the karaoke bar, they didn't look at the screen at all. The two of them stared at each other, holding hands and sang with deep emotions. I grimaced and rubbed my arms at Xiao Bo, showing that I was getting goosebumps. Xiao Bo shook his head laughing.

~~~~~~~~~

To be honest, I never got the feeling that Zhang Jun wanted to date that girl, it seemed like he was peer pressured to from the crowd that night at the karaoke bar so it would make sense if his girlfriend realized that they had no feelings and that their split was eventual which is why she cried so hard.

2. Sadness is also a very complicated matter (2).

Because Zhang Jun got dumped by a girl, I was very happy, I was extremely happy.

I would occasionally examine myself, was my mind too that I could actually build up my happiness on another person's pain. But before I really did any soul searching, I realized that my uneasy conscience was completely unnecessary.

One day, when I went to look for Xiao Bo, I discovered he wasn't there, Wu Zei wasn't there either. I grabbed a person to ask and found out that they went betting.

I was puzzled, Xiao Bo hasn't gone betting for a long time, why all of a sudden? Looking at the person's manner, it was a big bet too.

I hurriedly rushed to the game house. I haven't been there in a long time and the changes to the place was very big. Brother Li probably bought the store beside it, the wall between the two buildings were knocked down and it was much bigger now than it was. The game machines also looked more advanced.

I didn't recognize the person managing the store but he recognized me, he smiled, "Are you looking for Xiao Bo bro? He's inside playing billiards."

"Thank you."

I walked to the yard straight away.

Beside the billiards table stood two entirely different groups. I didn't see Xiao Bo, at first glance, I saw Zhang Jun. There was a gorgeous girl standing beside him with curly hair that flowed like waves.

The girl held onto his arm as she watched the people play billiards. It seemed like she didn't understand what was going on and she asked Zhang Jun in a small voice. From time to time Zhang Jun would explain a little.

I stared fixedly at them, I forgot what I was originally here for and only felt some kind of pain in my chest.

Zhang Jun turned his head and looked at me expressionlessly. I dazedly stared at him, unable to understand how he could be like this?!

The girl curiously sized me up then pulled on Zhang Jun's arm. He turned his head and smiling, planted a kiss on her forehead. He put his arm around her waist and pointed at the billiards table explaining.

I felt tears spinning around in my eyes. I wanted to turn and run but why did I need to escape? Why do I care about him? I don't care about him! Whether he has a girlfriend or not, how many girlfriends he has, what does it have to do with me? It has nothing to do with me!

Smiling, I forced my tears back in then walked to Brother Li's side, "Brother Li."

Brother Li patted my head, "Long time no see, you've grown taller again."

I curled my lip, "Since the last time you saw me, I haven't grown one centimeter. I have the school's medical examination reports to prove it, I'm still 163 cm. Why is Xiao Bo suddenly playing billiards again?"

Brother Li said in a seemingly relaxed tone, "It's nothing, there were some matters I need to resolve with a friend. We haven't been able to negotiate successfully so we simply decided to use betting to determine who wins and loses."

Little Six was smiling coldly in a corner. After Xiao Bo finished hitting a ball and stood up, he smiled towards me. I didn't dare to make a sound to disturb him. I stood by Brother Li's side and quietly watched him.

Xiao Bo currently occupied a dominant position but the positions of his remaining balls weren't too good, the opposition's balls had better positions and were easier to hit into the holes.

I quietly moved to Wu Zei's side and asked in a low voice, "What are they betting on?"

Wu Zei moved close to my ear, "Across the Water."

I didn't understand and looked at him unconvinced, he explained, "Their people were playing chasing the dragon in the place. Brother Li and Little Six discussed it a few times but were unsuccessful so they're using 'Across the Water' as the wager. If we win, they are no longer allowed to play chasing the dragon inside; if they win, Brother Li will give 'Across the Water' to them."

Chasing the dragon was taking drugs. Brother Li's principle was that drugs were not allowed to be touched, no matter if it was a soft type or hard type. Not only were they not allowed to be touched, they weren't even allowed to appear on his grounds. This time, he was actually using 'Across the Water' as wager which shows he must've been forced by Little Six without a choice.

Brother Li went on regardless but Xiao Bo had a heavy sense of responsibility. For the sake of Brother Li, he couldn't not accept the bet but if he lost, he would put all the responsibility on his own back.

My fists were full of sweat, I didn't even dare to look at the billiards table. I closed my eyes and said silently inside, "To all the deities, please let Xiao Bo win. This year and next year, I won't ask for any more wishes, I only wish for Xiao Bo to win." I repeated it again and again. Wu Zei was also very nervous, his breathing became heavier and heavier.

I don't know after how long, I heard everyone's cheers. I opened my eyes a slit and first looked at Wu Zei. Seeing his face wild with joy, I understood that Xiao Bo won. I immediately rushed over and hugged his arm, jumping and shouting, "Treat me to food, treat me to food, just the I prayed for you and gave all my luck to you."

Xiao Bo laughed, "Okay, let's see if there are any bird's nests. If there are then I'll treat you to eat bird's nest." His laugh was as normal, calm and warm but it was one of the coldest days of the year and the hand that clutched onto mine was unusually boiling hot. Standing beside him, I was amble to see the beads of sweat on the back of his neck.

Brother Li was extremely happy and he smiled at Little Six, "You let me win*, you let me win! Tonight let's eat together, my treat."
*[Said politely after a game.]

Little Six had a cold expression, he ignored Brother Li and lead his people out.

I stood beside Xiao Bo and smiled like a blooming flower. I triumphantly looked at Zhang Jun as if redeeming the sudden loss of control on my emotions when I saw him with girlfriend and also as if I was working hard to prove to myself that he wasn't worth anything and had no influence on my mood.

Zhang Jun held his girlfriend's hand and walked past me without looking at me at all.

I worked so hard to put on an act yet there was no one watching. I used the same energy to throw a punch but it was aimed at the empty air and didn't hurt anyone, instead, it put myself in sorry plights.

Brother Li elatedly arranged dinner plans. He asked what Xiao Bo wanted to eat, Xiao Bo lowered his head and asked me what I wanted to eat. Brother Li laughed, "I forgot to ask our lucky Miss Luo Qi Qi first. Qi Qi, what do you want to eat?"

I looked at Brother Li and said, "How could you accept this thing? You clearly know Xiao Bo......"

Brother Li was a bit embarrassed. Xiao Bo clutched the back of my neck, making me bend my body. I hit him back and he bullied me while smiling at Brother Li, "Ask if there are any bird's nests."

Brother Li immediately said, "Okay" and called people to go order at the restaurant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I decided to split this into two halves or else the comments would be filled with disappointment and/or anger. I hoped you guys rejoiced a lot with Qi Qi before reading this!!

3. A Youth With Regrets

During youth, because we haven't been hurt before, we don't know how to be benevolent; because we don't have dread, we don't know how to give in. We are headstrong, reckless and hurt others without care. Only one day when we have been hurt and understand pain and dread will we know what benevolence and giving in is. But at this time, everything related to youth will have gradually left us.
We have grown up and inside our chest is an already mottled heart.

The new term started, Li Shen and Ni Qing still revolved around Lin Lan and were still fond of spreading what the handsome boys and pretty girls of each class were doing.

In our year level, the girl with the most rumors was Xiao Fei and the guy was Zhang Jun. Li Shen started to hang out with a few high school students. I don't know if it's because she heard about my relationship with Xiao Bo but she became unusually friendly towards me. She knew that I was very close to Xiao Fei so she never discussed Xiao Fei.

Because they couldn't discuss Xiao Fei, naturally, they could only discuss Zhang Jun.

Zhang Jun's new girlfriend had an entirely different personality to his old one. His old one was quiet and low key but this one was bold and assertive as if she didn't care the least about being older than him. Sometimes, she even came to school to wait for Zhang Jun.

She dressed in a fashionable and modern style. When she stood in the the middle school department's small garden, she looked like a movie actress, she was in a completely different world to us clear soup noodle girls.

Zhang Jun's scandals became the best topic to chat about among the girls, even the most gentle and quiet girls would stand in front of the windows and curiously peek at Zhang Jun's girlfriend.

Li Shen and Ni Qing chattered in discussion, I wanted to leave but I couldn't help but also want to listen.

Li Shen asked Lin Lan, "I heard she is in the same office as your mom?"

"Mhm, she's an arts student who transferred over last year. She does modern dance, her personality is very bold and powerful." Lin Lan slyly smiled, "I just fear Zhang Jun's met his nemesis this time."

Ni Qing asked, "Is there no one who likes her?"

"How is that possible? My mom's office is filled with pretty girls, every one of them has a bunch of people chasing after them. She's also very lively, there's lots of people chasing her."

Ni Qing was puzzled, "Then why does she like being together with Zhang Jun? She's old, why would she like being with a boy younger than her?"

It was only a simple conversation but Lin Lan sudden became unhappy and coldly said, "It's her choice who she likes, even if you want to like him, Zhang Jun won't even look at you!"

Ni Qing started tearing up and Li Shen gloated in it. Lin Lan ignored them, she turned and left.

After a period of time, news spread from the gossip in the class, Lin Lan's parents wanted to get divorced.

In that era, divorces were rare but what was even more rare was that Lin Lan's mother wanted to get divorced for a young university graduate who has only been transferred to our city for a few years. That man was only ten or so years older than us. This matter spread like wildfire at the time. Pretty much everyone knew that there was a woman in the city's art center who was having an extramarital affair with a man eighteen years younger than her, even my parents heard about it.

My mom and dad discussed it at the dining table, the two of them completely couldn't understand why this woman would do this.

Mom asked me if there was a girl called Lin Lan in my class. I nodded annoyed, thinking that mom would be like the other aunties on the other floors, who when hearing that I was in the same class as that unconventional woman's daughter, wanted to know everything about Lin Lan as if she was abnormal. I didn't expect mom to warn me not to chat about it or ask Lin Lan about her parents. She also warned me not to intentionally alienate her or get close to her, I should continue to act as I used to.

I was very surprised but thinking back to grandpa and grandma's divorce, it was probably because mom understood how it felt so she pitied Lin Lan.

Lin Lan was still proud, still pretty and still played with Li Shen and Ni Qing. However, in her eyes was a detachment and alertness that didn't suit her age. If you look carefully, you'd realize that when she was alone, she would often be in a daze but as soon as someone sees her, she would immediately use her smile as a weapon to protect herself with

My relationship with her became more and more close. We usually weren't very intimate but I could feel that she trusted me. When she was with me, she didn't have to say a word or laugh and joke around, she could quietly sit there. Perhaps it was only because she knew I never judged others so when she was by my side, she felt at ease.

One morning, when I got to the classroom, she asked me, "Can you go out to play with me?"

I saw that her eyes were bloodshot and immediately agreed.

We didn't take leave from the teacher or tell anyone else. We rode off on our bikes and after riding for the entire morning, we arrived at an ancient city set used for film and drama shoots. She took out lots of money and spent large amounts of it, we rented numerous costumes and took countless pictures.

Lin Lan gave a large deposit and rented two princess costumes from the Tang dynasty. She then used her nimble hands and gave us beautiful hairstyles. The two of us roamed around the ancient city in our Tang dynasty princess costumes and as we walked, she suddenly said, "My mom and dad got divorced."

I didn't know how to respond much less how to comfort her. I could only stay silent but she seemed to be very grateful for my silence. She held my hand and continued to happily roam around pretending to be a princess.

That day, we ate all kinds of snacks and drank the most expensive soft drinks. If we saw any interesting things, no matter if it was me who liked it or her, she would immediately buy it.

From when I was small to now, it was my first time spending money so unscrupulously but that day, I understood, in this world, money can't buy happiness!

Lin Lan and I skipped class for the whole day but Treasure Bowl didn't scold us, he probably also heard the news about the divorce and felt pity for the bright and competent Lin Lan. Later, he even chose Lin Lan to be the representative of our English class and gave her biased love.

If adults because stubborn like children and refused to accept responsibility to go and protect their children, then their children can only quickly grow up to protect themselves like an adult.

Usually speaking, a divorce between parents will affect their children. Moreover, Lin Lan's parents had created such a stir with their divorce. However, Lin Lan's grades didn't change at all, she still organized the class' participation in art festivals. She was still bright, beautiful and popular and she used this to crush all the curious gazes.

Once, the two of us were sitting at the school's artificial lake. She suddenly said "Do you still remember our class monitor who transferred to another school?"

"I remember."

She smiled, "The two of us probably won't forget her, the two of us owe her more than one 'sorry'."

People often say that there are no regrets during youth but actually, how can there be no regrets during youth?

A teenage heart has undisguised warmth and cruelty, we are easily hurt by others and we also easily hurt others. Along with the flow of time, we will forget a lot of people but those that have hurt us and those that we have hurt will clearly engraved forever in our regretful years of youth.

If you who is reading this story is still young, please remember to treat the people you meet with gentleness, not for their gratefulness towards you but for when many years later when you suddenly look back, you can have one less thing to regret about.

Brother Li used his connections to buy two old Jeeps that were discarded by the Public Secretary Bureau. Although some parts of the Jeeps were so old that the paint had fallen off, there weren't many private car owners in this city.

I heard he had become friends with the son of the Public Secretary Bureau chief and along with another prominent figure Song Jie, they became investment partners. The brothers and little brothers in his friends circle gradually decreased as so and so section chief, so and so director and so and so head of departments gradually increased. Everyone stopped calling him Brother Li. Those with western style called him Mr. Li and those less refined called him Boss Li.

The 80s to the 90s were China's most intense era of social change. In the short ten years, people went from in poverty to well off. China created a marvel that attracted worldwide attention. Many things that we take for granted nowadays were what we had experienced for the first time back in those years. For instance, the first time using a water heater to take a shower, the first time to ride in an elevator, the first time to drink Coca Cola, the first time to eat Kang Shi Fu noodles, the first time using Pantene, the first time to eat KFC......

Our city was also changing at lightning speed and to keep up with the speed, people also changed rapidly, or, is it because people were changing rapidly that the city was changing lightning speed?

I wasn't clear on this, I cold only see the whole city change with each passing day, fortunately, there were still things that didn't change.

Brother Li bought himself an old car but gave Xiao Bo a genuine, imported Japanese motorbike. At the time, it was definitely a hundred percent a luxury good but Xiao Bo rarely used it, he still rode around on his broken bicycle. I often sat on the back of his bicycle and went into the small alleys with him to look for snacks.

I probably read too many books written by adults as I gradually discovered myself being out of touch with people in this era. I couldn't bear to part with things that were going out of style. I listened to the 'Four Heavenly Kings'* songs but I didn't really like it. I first started liking Teresa Teng and from Teresa Teng, I got to know Zhou Xuan and from Zhou Xuan, I listened to Han Bao Yi.
*[Andy Lau, Jacky Cheung, Aaron Kwok, Leon Lai]

Dad's company discarded an old fashioned gramophone and a bunch of old records that looked like black flying saucers.There was Teresa Teng's songs and a lot of songs from the revolutionary songs. At the time, everyone was busy becoming 'modern' and no one liked these old fashioned things so I brought them back and put them in Xiao Bo's office. I would read novels while listening to the songs or do homework while I listened.

Once, Brother Li opened the door to enter and heard singing praising the red army. He immediately closed the door and after a moment, opened the door again stroking his head, "I didn't walk into the wrong place!"

Wu Zei and the Enchantress hugged their stomachs with laughter, Xiao Bo and I also laughed.

Brother Li walked over and closed the textbook in front of Xiao Bo smiling, "Stop reading, let's go and eat together tonight."

They went first, Xiao Bo sent me home. I gave my mom a lie then went.

The five of us ate while chatting. As expected, Brother Li's business expanded again. Brother Li was enormously proud of his success but couldn't stop sighing over how there was no one reliable and competent. Everyone knew that he was pointing at Xiao Bo but Xiao Bo wanted to go to university and was unable to help Brother Li. However, Brother Li was only sighing and wasn't actually wanting Xiao Bo to give up on his academics to help him. He treated Xiao Bo and Wu Zei like real little brothers, he was also very happy that Xiao Bo could go to university.

As Brother Li chatted and chatted, he suddenly asked Wu Zei, "When do you and Enchantress plan to settle down?"

The Enchantress lowered her head but her expression looked like she was listening attentively. She was three years older than Wu Zei and naturally cared more about this. However, Wu Zei laughed, "You haven't settled down so what am I rushing for? I don't want to get married, dating is so fun, right Enchantress?"

Enchantress was only able to nod her head and her smile seemed forced. However, Wu Zei, this unreasonable person, couldn't see it at all and wore an expression like he and the Enchantress were on the same side.

Brother Li laughed and said to Enchantress, "That's fine, after two years, wait until my business is more stable and I'll plan a luxurious wedding for you two."

Xiao Bo also laughed, "I will call no one other than Enchantress sis 'sister in law'."

Xiao Bo and Brother Li both made their position known, I also hurriedly declared,"Don't worry, Wu Zei is very stupid, only you will be able to dump him, he won't be able to dump you." Brother Li and Xiao Bo both slapped a hand on my shoulder. I immediately changed my wording, "I'm saying that you're really beautiful, where can Wu Zei find someone else this beautiful."

The Enchantress started smiling. Wu Zei's parents didn't like her too much so Brother Li and Xiao Bo's approval was very important to her and let her be at ease. Wu Zei was still oblivious, he used his chopsticks to point at the food, "This is good, don't just spend your time talking!"

I whispered to Xiao Bo, "Dumb people have dumb luck, I really don't know what Enchantress sis sees in him!"

Enchantress heard and smiled at Wu Zei, her eyes filled with warmth. Brother Li lit a cigarette and smiled watching us, he also had something very warm in his eyes.

After eating, Brother Li went off to handle business matters. Enchantress wanted to dance thus the four of us went to 'Across the Water' together. As soon as we walked in the dance hall, I felt something unusual. The dance floor which was usually squeezed full with people was empty, everyone was standing around the dance floor.

Xiao Bo and Wu Zei thought something had happened and hurriedly rushed to the front. Suddenly, the music started. It was the Taiwanese Golden Melody Awards winner, Chen Xiao Yun's 'Love Cha Cha'. Because it was in a South Fujianese dialect, it wasn't particularly popular among students but it was the decadent type of music that I liked. It was also a song pros at the dance hall liked, it was best used for the cha-cha.

A hot woman wearing a red dress was dancing alone with the music. Her dancing was very professional, no wonder everyone stopped to watch her dance.

Wu Zei laughed, "Zhang Jun's new babe has more flavor than his old one. It looks like finding a woman who can dance to be your babe makes sense."

The Enchantress pinched his arm and asked, "What do you mean? Do you want me to help introduce one to you?"

Wu Zei looked around to make sure no brothers were watching so it wouldn't harm his reputation then begged for mercy in a low voice.

Since Zhang Jun's girlfriend was here, where was Zhang Jun?

I searched for him among the crowd of people and saw him standing in front of the crowd watching his girlfriend with a smile. His girlfriend danced her way to his side then suddenly reached out her hand and pulled Zhang Jun onto the dance floor. Everyone started laughing, there were people whistling and Wu Zei also whistled loudly. Enchantress pinched him again in anger.

Cha-cha is a female led dance and female's dancing skills have to be very high. The whole dance is led by the female but as it is a two people's dance, if the male didn't dance well, it wouldn't look good either.

Zhang Qun calmly stood there for a moment then smiled and also started dancing. They shone under the blurry lights, the male was handsome and uninhibited, the female was beautiful and dainty, it was touching in an indescribable way.

There was sharp pain in my chest. In an instant, I understood, if this was a romance novel, they were the true female and male leads. I wouldn't even be considered as a female supporting role, I was only a passerby yet I kept having extravagant hopes of seizing the female lead's part.

Wu Zei pulled the Enchantress onto the dance floor, the two of them were both pros at having fun and due of Wu Zei's words earlier, the Enchantress let out her suppressed energy and started dancing, she was so enchanting she couldn't be anymore enchanting. Seeing their skill level, other people dared even less to go and dance. On the huge dance floor, we only watched the two couples dance.

Xiao Bo knew that I couldn't dance and found a corner to sit with me.

My line of sight secretly followed Zhang Jun. Although my eyes were completely dry, there was torrents of rain in my heart. How much I wished for him to still be that hedgehog haired boy who didn't grab the attention of girls and didn't have any girls liking him. Only I saw the good in him and felt his warmth but he chose to become like this. Like a star, he rose higher and higher, his radiance becoming brighter and brighter yet leaving me further and further behind, going to a distance that I couldn't reach no matter how I stretch out my hands.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes the best way to mature and improve is through the mistakes we make.

4. The first shake of the chessboard.

As a youth, we like to discuss our ideals and we like to make plans. We assume that as long as we're smart and work hard enough, we will be able to make it a reality however, we don't know that we are only a tiny, tiny chess piece on the chessboard of fate. With a small shake of the chessboard, we become off track from our plans.

Xiao Fei's grades continued to slide down, for the midterm exam, she was no longer in the top ten. If she slightly 'works harder', she'll be on par with me.

I dropped her a few suggestions but she didn't care the least and ignored me as if she had even given up on her pretend happiness. Her attitude towards the guys also became more abominable. Sometimes, when I saw the way she shouted at them, I really feared they would fly into rage from shame. However, they were reluctant to part with Xiao Fei's beauty. Even if they walked off today, they would still come back tomorrow.

I was puzzled and couldn't understand why Xiao Fei became even more downhearted. Enchantress told me that Wang Zheng had left to Guang Zhou a few weeks ago with his drum kit. He didn't even say farewell to Xiao Fei, just like that, he suddenly disappeared from Xiao Fei's life.

I didn't know whether to celebrate or to be worried, perhaps Wang Zheng's leaving without a farewell had hurt Xiao Fei once more but after the major pain passes, it should be the recovery process of the wound.

I thought about it for a long time and decided to properly discuss it with Xiao Fei. I wanted to tell her that she isn't the only one who is heartbroken over someone but we can't give up on ourselves just because the other person doesn't like us.

When I wanted to look for her, she suddenly disappeared from school. I asked her class monitor who told me that her mom had come to get her long term sick leave.

Xiao Fei was sick?

I searched for her house to go see her. Her mom stood by the door and politely said, "Xiao Fei is currently recuperating from her sickness so it isn't convenient for her to see classmates."

I was extremely puzzled, I didn't understand what kind of sickness it was that she wasn't even able to meet people. I worriedly asked, "Auntie, is Xiao Fei's sickness very severe?"

Her mom was very thin and also very haggard, she replied with certainty, "It's not severe, after a period of time, she'll be able to go to school again."

She refused to let me in so I could only leave. However, I didn't give up so I decided to use my pestering tactic and I went to her house every few days. Her mom's change in attitude was really interesting, at first when I started going frequently, she was very impatient and shut the door after saying two or three sentences. However, gradually, she became kind again and asked in puzzlement, "It's nearly the end of term exams right? Aren't you busy with your studies?"

I gave her a lovely smile, "I am busy but I am still able to find the time to come see Xiao Fei."

Her mom asked, "Are you and Xiao Fei very good friends?"

I tried to get on her good side, "Auntie, did you forget? When we were young, Xiao Fei even slept over at my house once. That time, you and uncle searched to my house at midnight and met my parents."

"Ah? It's you! Later when you moved away, Xiao Fei cried for a long time. I never thought the two of you would be in the same school again, Xiao Fei didn't even tell me."

I quietly stood there without speaking, auntie also became quiet as if in thought. After a long time, she said, "Come and visit Xiao Fei after you finish your end of term exam."

I hurriedly said, "Thanks auntie." I was able to be at ease now that I have a confirmed date.

After returning to school, I continued to be absentminded, quickly, we were going to be in our third year.

It has only been two years time but it was pretty much the age where things might get out of control for middle school students. During primary, we respected the teacher and our parents' authorities and were rather obedient. When we got to middle school, we started to look at them with disdain yet we weren't able to take grasps of ourselves, we didn't have the slightest fear and we were willing to try new things, from dating, smoking, drinking and fighting to going to karaoke bars, dance halls and mixing in [the bad parts of] society, we dared to do anything.

People who have gone out and mixed before will know that during fights, the person who fights the most ruthlessly actually aren't adult hooligans but us ignorant teenagers. Because they already know fear whereas we don't know anything so we aren't afraid of anything to the extent that because of a few bad words, we would smash a brick onto that person's head.

In this rebellious period of confusion, those who are lucky may perhaps only bring a few bitter but interesting memories with them on this path of growing up whereas those who are unlucky will pay a heavy price that to them would have been unforeseen.

After two years of studying, some people who didn't have good grades when they first started school will have risen and some who had very good grades when they first started would have dropped. Although it was a key middle school, there weren't much difference between the bad students here who didn't have the heart to study and the ones from normal middle schools.

To welcome next year's high school entrance exam, the school will use results from term two's final exam to redivide the classes, from the fast class to the slow class, or, it can be called the key class and the very key class.

Everyone were all very nervous and worked hard, fearing that they would be divided into the slow class if they weren't careful.

Our carefree days seemed to be at an end and the heavy burden of studying started to slowly weigh on everyone's shoulders.

My grades were very subtle, it was possible that I could be divided into the fast class to be a bad student and it was possible that I could be divided into the slow class to be a good student. A person's mind is very strange, they'd rather enter the fast class and be a bad student. My parents naturally also thought this way, as if as long as I entered the fast class, I would definitely get into a key high school.

I was always in an out of it trance, during my spare time, other students would be revising but I was reading novels and practicing drawing. I liked to draw lotus flowers, during recess, I would sit by the school's lotus pond and draw the lotus flowers. In my mind, they were the most beautiful kind of flower, no words could describe how beautiful they were.

One day, after English class, Treasure Bowl found Lin Lan and sadly told her that Chen Song Qing won't participate in the end of year exam as he was leaving so Treasure Bowl wished for Lin Lan to organize a farewell party to send Cheng Qing Song off.

I was astonished and strained to hear, I heard Lin Lan ask in surprise, "Why?"

"He wants to attend technical school."

"Why isn't he attending middle school any more? Aren't you only able to take the technical school entrance exam after you finish middle school?"

Treasure Bowl didn't like to talk about things involving other people's families so he refused to explain any further, only saying, "Their family seems to have some financial troubles, his dad wishes for him to get a job earlier. With his results, he would definitely be able to get in if he takes the exam now."

Lin Lan's eyes widened with shock as if it was the first time she realized that in this world, there are people who can't even afford to go to school, even if perhaps she would only be able to buy two dresses with that school fee.

The news of Chen Qing Song leaving our class quickly spread. Although everyone was surprised, there weren't many people who were sad since after all, Chen Qing Song wasn't very social and was often alone. Everyone's understanding of him was limited to the fact that he was number one in our class.

However, Lin Lan put lots of effort in it and didn't hesitate to give up her studying time to arrange Chen Song Qing's farewell party, she even used her influence to get everyone in the class to pool money together to buy him an expensive ballpoint pen and a beautiful diary as farewell gifts.

That year, I didn't contribute to Chen Jing's farewell gift but this time, I put in all my pocket money.

Chen Song Qing was silent and rather stiff but I think that inside, he was grateful to Lan Lin. His years of youth were forced to end early but Lin Lan used all her efforts to give him a pale but beautiful ending.

I seemingly watched this all happen indifferently from afar but inside, my heart was heavy. It wasn't necessarily because of Chen Qing Song, perhaps it was only because of life itself as I once again felt the cruelness and helplessness of life. Many people don't like studying at all, everyday they would smoke, drink, fight, steal their parents' money to play games with, dye their hair and were proud of their rebelliousness even if their parents beg them to study. Whereas Chen Qing Song loved to study and worked hard, getting first every time yet life chose to not let him study.

This is life, seemingly everything you want, it won't give to you.

The day Chen Qing Song left school, it started to drizzle.

I've always preferred the rain, when it rains, I hardly ever use an umbrella. I like the feeling of the rain falling on my face.

I sat on a stone bench in school and watched the rain fall like a silk curtain in a daze. I wasn't unhappy but I wasn't happy either. My mood is often in a blank state.

A person walk up to me and stopped.

I looked up, it was Chen Song Qing. He stood there silently, carrying a dark green canvas bag and a black umbrella that had faded to white.

We were both people who didn't like to talk and we both stayed silent for a long while.

He suddenly said, "I'm not coming to school tomorrow."

"I know."

There was a small hole filled with rain water just next to his feet and he kicked at the water again and again.

He asked, "How is your revision going?"

"Not so well."

He continued to kick the rain water, the water splashed onto his pants but he didn't care at all.

"I originally wanted to leave after the final exams but my dad didn't allow it. He said that with this time, I should prepare for the technical school exam and strive to get into field. Later on, go to a good office and get a higher salary. "

I stayed quiet, not knowing what to say. He suddenly said, "Can I ask for a favor?"

"Sure." I didn't ask what the favor was and just immediately agreed.

He smiled, "Can you revise seriously and go all out for this final exam?"

I looked at him confused, unable to comprehend his strange request. However, I had already agreed so I had to keep my promise.

Actually, to this day, I still haven't understood the reason for Chen Song Qing's request.

"Okay, I will revise hard and take the exam seriously."

He laughed and still kicked at the rain water. I quietly watched the water droplets he kicked up.

His shoes were already completely soaked. He stood there for a long time then said, "I'm going, goodbye!"

I sat on the stone bench without moving, "Goodbye!"

He carried his bag, turned and left. The skinny and tall frame slowly disappeared in the misty drizzle of the rain.

I sat there alone for a long time until my bottom was icy cold and my body was completely wet before I also carried my bag home.

That was the last time in my life that I met Chen Song Qing. Ever since then, I haven't seen him again to the extent that I haven't heard any news about him either. Whether or not he got into technical school, which field he got into, I didn't know.

However, I knew that he would know my exam results so I kept my promise, I revised hard and worked hard in the exam. In the two or so weeks, I did nothing but study, from when I woke up in the morning right up til I went to sleep at night. He told me to go all out. Actually, I didn't really understand what going all out means but I went and memorized my geography, history and politics textbooks, I even forced myself to memorize some random things from my most despised subject, English.

The results for the final exam came out, I became first in Class(1). Other than not having a good mark for English, I got close to full marks for algebra, physics and geometry. I pretty much got first in the class in all my other subjects such as geography and such which were completely dependent on forced memorization. Because I got first in a few subjects, it wasn't possible that I had cheated so everyone could only use surprise to face this unexpected result.

Mom and dad were beyond happy, during our parent meeting, they nearly bowed down in gratitude to Treasure Bowl. Treasure Bowl was very indifferent and calmly said, "I teach English, her worst score was English so her improvement has nothing to do with me."

As we were about to part, I actually started to get along with Treasure Bowl. Although we had once fought bitterly, although he was biased to students that had good grades and lively personalities, but to be fair, he and Teacher Zhang were completely different. His care for Lin Lan, how hard he tried to get Chen Song Qing to stay, going all out to teach, everything that I saw with my eyes, made me forgive the pain he had once brought me.

Actually, as a newly graduated technical university student, he was only nine grades older than us. He himself was a not fully matured person. I believe that we, as the first batch of students he has ever taught in his teaching career, will definitely not be forgotten by him just like how we will never forget that he was our homeroom teacher. Because he has left a mark on our growing up lives, we have also left a mark on his maturing life.

After the final exams ended, I went to see Xiao Fei. Her mom kept her promise and let me see her.

When I saw Xiao Fei, she was lying on the bed reading. Her original shoulder length hair had been cut very short like a boy's.

When she saw me, she put down her book and smiled at me.

I felt something strange, I can't say it clearly, she was different. Her face was still pretty but the liveliness and passion on it had disappeared only leaving a light smile. Her life seemed to have...seemed to have... suddenly gone from mid spring to late autumn.

I saw that she was reading an English textbook. Relieved, I sat next to her, "Is your illness better?"

She nodded, "It's better, how did you do for the final exams?"

"First in the class. I'm not sure about the year level, I'll probably find out after they divide the classes next term."

She was very surprised but also very happy. "I'll have to work hard or else I'll be thrown behind by you."

All along, I didn't feel extra happy about my results because it had seemed unrealistic but suddenly, I brightened up and excitedly said, "Okay ah, when next term starts, let's compete and see who is better."

I stretched out my finger, "It's a deal?"

"Deal!"

Her mom seemed to have been secretly listening outside the whole time and hearing that I got first and that we promised to compete made her at ease. She brought in a plate of grapes and said to Xiao Fei, "You should play more with students like Luo Qi Qi." She then kindly said to me, "You're welcome to come and play with Xiao Fei more often in the future."

I tried to smile obediently, if her mom really knew what kind of person I was, I don't know if she would still say these words. However, it was the first time I was aware that there are so many benefits from having good grades, even all the parents trust you.

Xiao Fei was quiet with her head lowered. Her mom seemed to be a bit uneasy and hurriedly walked out, "You two discuss study, I'm leaving."

After she left, Xiao Fei winked at me. I ran out and looked then shook my head at her.

She pointed at me to sit beside her then became quiet for a while before saying, "Actually I wasn't ill, I was pregnant."

I'm not a very expressive person so I could only stare at her dazedly. To an outsider, I seemed extremely calm but actually, inside I was so shocked I had no idea whatsoever how to react.

She laughed, "Qi Qi, what can scare you? How come you can be so calm no matter what the situation?"

I didn't know how to explain so I could only ask, "What are you going to do?"

She lightly said, "I've already gone to the hospital to get an abortion. Next term, I'm going to pretend that nothing happened and start afresh."

I stammered, "You......This......What happened? Did someone bully you?"

She calmly replied, "The process isn't important, the important thing is that it's happened so there's no point in chasing after the reason now. In the first few days, I cried everyday and hated myself for being so stupid but tears don't turn back the clock or make our mistakes disappear. Qi Qi, this is the first time I'm telling you this, it's also the last time. In the future, I never want to bring this up again, I only want to forget. You should also help me forget okay?"

I nodded, "Okay!"

We never brought up her pregnancy and abortion again. We talked about school, Xiao Fei inquired about what had happened in school over the period she's been away and I told her all the gossip I knew in detail.

A middle school student getting pregnant was a big thing but perhaps it was because of Xiao Fei's overly calm attitude but I absentmindedly thought that it wasn't such a big deal, it was like a cold, as long as it passes, it will seem like nothing had happened.

We planned for the new term and what we'll do. We hoped to get divided into the same class, then perhaps we would be able to be deskmates, go to class together, do homework together, go home together. We even discussed what we'll do after we got into high school, whether we'd be in the arts stream or the science stream and if we should go to the same university. She laughed and said she liked Beijing, she wanted to go to Beijing for university, if not Peking University then Qinghua.

She knocked on my head and said, "If you want to go to the same university as me then you have to work hard. You have to stop playing so much and reading so many novels." Seeing me look unconfident about it, she quickly smiled and comforted me, "Don't be scared, I will oversee that you study hard."

Xiao Fei was full of confidence for the future. I wasn't the slightest bit doubtful she could achieve her dreams because her anxiousness and loss has already past. She was ready to start afresh and this time, she definitely wouldn't make any more stupid mistakes.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Two parts this week to make up for last week! D: