Sirius trudged through the hallway to his dorm, relieved that he had managed to cut the date short.

Shahid was cute, there was no denying that. But he was constantly complaining about everything. It wasn't like Sirius wanted to be a part of the Black family. That was just his genetic misfortune. Honestly.

He didn't know why he'd accepted to meet up. Sirius wanted to push his feelings for Remus away, before they devoured him entirely.

Because Remus would never feel the same way - that was impossible. So Sirius had to move on. He just wished other people didn't seem so dull in comparison.

Grumbling silently, he pushed open the door that was inconveniently in between him and his room, wanting to forget his date and have a shower. Maybe even go to sleep. He was fed up with today.

He would have done so, too, if Remus hadn't fallen promptly into his arms.

"Siri! You're back!" The taller boy grinned lopsidedly, his words clumsy and cheerful.

Stumbling slightly, Sirius hooked his hands under Remus' arms, trying to push him upright. He tried to ignore how close they were. He was not going to think about that.

"What's going on?"

Remus simply smiled, eyes over-bright as he swayed where he stood.

"Remus - ?" But then he noticed.

Sirius blinked at the empty bottles on the floor. They blinked back at him.

"Moony?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you drinking?"

Remus shrugged, stumbling over to James' trunk and pulling out another bottle. "Cos I can."

Walking over, Sirius took the drink from his friend's hands. "No you can't."

Remus took it back. "Yes I can."

"No, you can't."

"Yes, I can."

"Look, we could fight about this, but we could also not fight this." Sirius pulled the bottle firmly away from the drunk boy, placed it back into James' trunk and turned to Remus, crossing his arms. "Now, why are you drinking?"

Sighing, Remus flopped backwards onto his bed, staring soulfully at the ceiling. "Cos I can."

Jesus Christ, thought Sirius. He decided to leave it for the minute - Remus didn't feel like sharing, and Sirius didn't want to push. 

Sitting down beside him, Sirius watched his friend with soft eyes, counting the freckles scattered across his face. Like seeds, he remembered. How true that was.

Remus, completely unaware of Sirius' gaze, continued to study the ceiling, as though it could tell him the secrets of the universe. He didn't move when Sirius laid down beside him, his dark hair brushing against the other's neck.

It was a soft sort of silence. As though silence had decided to take a nap, right there beside them. It must be quite difficult being silence. No one really listens to you.

"I was tired." Remus' voice wavered a little, an obscure reluctance in his words.

Sirius turned to look at him. "Tired of what?"

He snorted. "Everything. But mostly myself."

Sitting up, the dark-haired boy waited for him to continue. He didn't have to wait for very long.

In one swift motion, Remus was up and on his feet, staggering around the room, legs shaking and back hunched.

"I hate myself. Did you know that?"

Sirius blinked. "I do, kind of..."

A laugh, quick and sharp. Remus stopped by the window, running his hands through his hair like he was considering pulling it out, a frenzied grin splitting his face roughly in two.

"I hate myself. I do, I do." He turned to face the other boy. "I don't deserve to live."

There was no reply. Sirius felt like the ceiling had collapsed on him.

Remus seemed to be struggling to breathe. "I shouldn't be alive. She isn't, and I am, and I shouldn't be." He cackled, gripping the bed frame, eyes opened too wide.

"You can't - " Sirius broke off. His head was aching. Not again, he thought, please. Not again.

"I used to think I was worth something." Remus laughed again, voice cracking like porcelain. "Isn't that funny?"

No it's not, Sirius wanted to shout. But his voice was curiously dead.

"But I know better now," he said quietly, lips turned up. It was an innocent acceptance of fact. "I know better now..." A reassurance.

The silence was no longer soft. It was racing, furious, horrific. It clung to their throats and stifled their breath.

"You don't know anything."

Another laugh. "I don't know a lot, but I know that at least."

"Don't, Moony." Sirius' mouth talked without him. "Don't say that."

Remus looked at the floor, still smiling, still drunk. Still falling apart, bit by bit.

Sirius could see the seams of his jumper coming loose, strings dragging weakly on the floor. He could see the broken bones of Remus' face, a kind of hysterical beauty in the rough-edged grin, trapped in the washed light of dusk.

Sirius walked over. He put his fingers under the other boy's chin, trying to make Remus look at him. "Rem... you are worth so much."

"No I'm not."

"Let's not do this again," he begged. "We all love you, more than anything. We would die for you."

Remus sniffed. "Even you?"

"Especially me. You're my best friend."

There was another pause. Sirius prayed that the other boy believed him.

Remus raised his eyes to Sirius'. He could see every eyelash. A couple clung together, attached with tears.

"I don't believe you."

Sirius' heart hurt. "Well, you should."

It was quick. Remus leaned down, his eyes closing, and Sirius could feel ragged lips against his softer ones.

It barely counted as a kiss: it was more like a handshake between two mouths.

Of course, even as Sirius gently pushed Remus away, he could have sworn every single one of his cells had exploded. His nerves filled with fire - his heart thudded at a dangerous speed. Sirius felt stars burning in his blood. He could see those stars in two familiar amber eyes.

But even as he felt the sunshine, Sirius acknowledged the rain. Remus was drunk. That's all it was.

"I think you should go to bed." His voice was very soft. Remus nodded, yawning.

Padding gently towards his bed, Remus smiled ruefully at his friend. "Sorry."

"Don't be." Sirius waited for him to get into bed, and then tucked the covers carefully under his neck.

Ruffling the other boy's hair, he whispered, "Goodnight, Remus." He started to make his way to his own bed, when Remus grabbed his sleeve.

"Stay."

"Remmie, the boys will say you're gay."

Remus started laughing again. Sirius didn't know why, but seeing as it wasn't the shattered sound from earlier, he let it slide.

Two beer-stained eyes looked beseechingly from between a tawny fringe and the blanket. "Stay."

"Moons, it isn't even eight."

"Please?"

"Nope."

"Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplea-"

"Oh for Christ's sake." Rolling his eyes, Sirius pushed back the covers and laid down next to Remus, who immediately wrapped himself around the shorter boy, mumbling nonsense. Their legs tangled together, Remus' mouth lax against Sirius' neck.

Blushing, Sirius put an arm around him, over-sensitive to every touch and movement between them. While Remus soon drifted off to sleep, Sirius stayed awake, his thoughts dancing down winding roads, lost before he could catch them.

Remus' outbursts very rarely happened. He could remember one, which had happened after the car accident. He shivered at the memory, and pulled Remus closer.

And what about that kiss? Remus couldn't possibly like him. Perhaps his drunken brain thought that was the best way to thank Sirius. Maybe he was feeling vindictive.

He so wished Remus hadn't been drunk.

His thoughts spinning circles around his head, Sirius fell into a troubled sleep.