IF SHE SOUNDS LIKE A COLLEGE PROFFESOR AT AGE 7 IM SORRY.

11 years ago; age 7

“Bella dear please get off that, you’re going to hurt yourself!” mom said laughing as dad picked me up and threw me on his shoulder

“Keep doing it Bells; just get your mother mad so she can give us some ice-cream until we both stop.” Dad says whispering in my ear causing myself to giggle. And with that dad sets me down and I run back onto the swing and stand on it while dad pushes me, causing me to slowly swing back and forth, back and forth.

We both stop laughing as mom has her perfectly manicured hand on her hips and her bright green eyes furrowed with a slight smirk. “Fine, let’s go get some ice-cream” she says finally giving in on dad’s offer. Dad and I both cheer as she shakes her head with the slightest of all smiles showing off her pearly white teeth. Dad scoops me up and jogs next to mom grabbing her waist and holding her close. Both giggling in the exact same moment

We stop at the ice-cream parlour where we’d always go on summer days like these and sit here until we get all cold then find ourselves being struck with the wave of heat we call outside. I order my favourite, bubble gum ice-cream it’s like two flavours melted into one. Both my lovely parents are sitting across from me; them both smiling at the sight of each other.

Mom with her full blonde hair cascading down her back with her life-filled green eyes and her birth mark still at her left cheekbone. And dad, with his clean shaved face, brown hair ruffled to the back of his head and his wide smile, trying to lick off my ice cream cone which was dripping down on my shirt.

-

9 years ago; age 9

Dear diary,

Mom comes home late on her day shift which leaves me and dad wondering where she goes. Leaves in the morning at 9 and comes back after 12. Dad has to stay home from work as she’s gone out somewhere; he always seems to make me the same thing every night; Kraft dinner.

I’ve noticed the happy brown eyes he used to have is now dark and foggy, the way he speaks isn’t as lively as before, he sometimes leaves me here alone on some nights and he comes home drunk then starts to throw things as I’m pretending to be asleep.

I don’t know what’s going on between them but this really needs to stop.

Love,

Me

-

8 years ago age; 10

Dear Diary,

I remember the day when mom came home while dad was at work and she took all her things and neatly folded it into her carry-on bag. She told me that she was just going on a little business trip; that was exactly last year diary, and I really hope she’s coming back.

Dad is a mess, he doesn’t even come home on most nights but its okay, I make myself Kraft dinner.

Love,

Me.

6 years ago; age 12

Dear diary,

Dad came home crying today as he didn’t have the words to speak. He didn’t even have enough strength to walk to my room. He said something really bad happened to mom and that she sort of deserved it for what she has done to us. Mom? I haven’t seen her in years, but I hope she’s okay. Dad says we’re visiting her tomorrow after school (he didn’t really say that I’m just guessing) but I really do miss mom.

-

Following day

We went to see mom a little while ago, she had a little scar on her left cheek bone covering her birthmark. The doctors don’t know how she’ll do but there was another family there too, and they didn’t have a mom either. A girl with curly hair into two pigtails who looked around my age was holding her little brother’s hand as they were walking toward us. Dad said we had to leave because apparently their mom was in the accident too, so yeah we left.

Until next time,

Me.

-

5 years ago: age thirteen.

Well, it’s been a year since mom died though I didn’t go to her funereal but dad came back with her ashes. We actually moved after that day we visited her in the hospital, oh how time flies. I miss mom though, her laugh and smile. But dad doesn’t want me talking about her anymore as we both lost something we both treasured.

Love,

Me.

-

My heart drops; my mother can’t be Cathy. Memories of mom flashes before my eyes; she is nothing like her; they don’t have the same laugh, smile, or anything really. Mom always had a clear voice with just a tint of humour as Cathy had a raspy tone from smoking all those cigarettes. Mom had bright happy green eyes as she had; broken ones.

She had a flawless face as Cathy had a scar across hers…

“Stop the car!” I yell even though my voice cracks and hurts so much; I do my best to yell it as loud as I possibly could. He slams the brakes yelling back a ‘what the fuck!’ and pulls over to the side of the road. I don’t take any moment to hesitate.

I slam the door behind me and run. I run away from Michael, and far away from Stacy and Cathy.  I don’t care where I go; I’m running along with the spring breeze and shining sun warming up my back. The wind in my hair and my jacket which I’m holding in my arm is softly pounding on my leg. I can hear Michael yelling my name from the distance; but I don’t car. As long as I’m gone, I’m good.

-

I’m sitting in the same park as before; where Luke and I spent most our days, where Michael and I would spend when he snaps, and where mom, dad, and I used to go after my life came crashing down.

So many memories,

So many breaks,

So many words,

But silence is the only thing that could kill me. Literally.

Cathy isn’t my mother and I know that. Dad had her ashes-he shattered it into a million pieces. I saw it. I know she isn’t my mother. Her scars could mean anything right?  I rub my temples as confusion hits me harder than it should. Puzzle pieces everywhere just waiting to be placed in the right spot.

And Michael; what the hell? I know I’m no hawk but when you say something out loud to a suicidal girl; what would you expect? An ‘okay’? Saying it ‘accidentally’ won’t make things less complicated it makes a everything more complicated actually.  Everything is so out of place and I can’t do anything about it.

Calum’s smile flashes across my mind, his wide toothy grin sends butterflies in my stomach, but it suddenly drops as I remember I ditched him on out date. Calum is someone I can’t figure out, he’s an open book really but there’s something inside him that makes me wonder.

I close my eyes once again and sigh; what is it with my life?  I put my head in my hands as little boy pokes me in the shoulder. I look at him with a confused look on my face as he speaks.

“Hey” the little blonde boy asks naturally; what is he? Like 5 years old?

“Hello” I manage to croak back, he cocks his head to the side and takes a seat next to me on the bench.

“Why are you always crying?” he asks me and I shrug with a little smile.

“Why not?” I question the blue eyed little boy.

“Well, I’m always here you know?” he says motioning to the park in front of us and I chuckle waiting for him to continue “My house is just over there if you’re wondering, anyways, you come here always with that blue guy or by yourself and then you cry on this bench.” He says shrugging waiting for me to answer.

“Well…” I stop waiting for him to tell me his name “Kyle, my name is Kyle, and I know yours Bella, blue guy always says it too loud.” Yeah ‘blue guy’ says a lot of things too loud.

“Oh okay then, well sometimes when you have all these ‘weird feelings’ you just have to cry them all out you know?” I say using air quotes and he laughs imitating it.

“What are these?” he asks me doing the air quotes again with a cute face and I laugh “is this like a dinosaur or something?” he says and runs away. Well okay then.

Everything’s all to messed up and I don’t know what to do.

All I know for sure is that I won’t be talking for a while.

-

It’s getting dark and I feel terrible for ditching Calum, I have nowhere else to turn to but I have a few people in mind.

If I go to back to my apartment Michael would make a huge deal about ‘running away’

I can’t go to Calum’s apartment, Michael could see.

But.

-

I look at the number on the door twice as ii finally know on the door. I wipe my sweaty hands on my ripped jeans; I swallow the lump in my throat before he could open the door. My heart is pounding like drums in a rock concert. My head is spinning like teacups. And my breath is hitched as I take in the site before me.

I'm really gonna regret this later.

“Bella?” Luke breaths out.

***

I'M PRETTY SURE I END LIKE ALL MY CHAPTERS WITH LUKE. BUT GET READY FOR SOME... BUKE? LELLA? IDK. BUT SOME ACTION GOING ON e.e

AND ERM... I WAS THINKING AT LIKE THE END OF THIS BOOK [we're not even close to finishing yet lol] I SHOULD WRITE A PREQUEL WITH THE STORY STARTING OFF AFTER DETENTION?

SO YEAH KEEP THAT IN MIND LOL

 IM SORRY IF THIS IS TOO CONFUSING OR JUST TERRIBLE WRITING. I'M TRYING

WE HAVE 4K HWAT.

OH AND YES IM DEDICATING CHAPTERS NOW SO WATCH OUTT IT MIGHT BE YOU.