Sinama ako ni Nicole sa isang cafe and restaurant sa BGC.

The paneled walls were the color of espresso and the upholstered booths were beige.

Dahil sa floor-to-ceiling glass windows, maaliwalas sa loob.

There were only a few people there when we came in.

It was past lunch kaya suwerte na hindi na namin naabutan.

Nicole chose a booth by the window facing the sidewalk.

Kita namin ang mga taong dumadaan.

Maraming tao and the place was bustling with excitement.

It wasn't surprising since Christmas was only a few weeks away.

"How long has it been? Twelve? Fifteen years since we last talked to each other?" Tanong niya agad pagkaupo namin.

"I don't even remember." I sat across from her.

"You kinda fell from the face of the earth. You hid from me." She was smiling but I heard the slight tone of disappointment.

"I looked for you sa social media. Pero ayaw mo yata talagang magpakita. Even our friends from college, nagtatanong kung nasaan ka daw. I told them I don't know."

"Busy kasi ako."

Nicole shook her head.

"You don't have to make excuses, okay? Busy naman tayong lahat. We were all at that point in our lives where we were trying to make something out of ourselves."

Noon pa man, prangka na si Nicole.

Naalala ko na lang ulit ngayong magkausap na kami.

"Sa Canada ka na pala nakatira. How long have you been there?"

"Long enough."

"Citizen ka na?"

"Oo. More than two years pa lang."

"That's great. Do you like it there?" Her eyes beamed, excited to hear my stories.

"Parang katulad din naman ng bawat lugar. There's good. There's bad. But, there's free health care."

Nagtawanan kami.

"My sister liked it there too."

"Which sister?"

Napangiti si Nicole.

"Hindi mo pa din pala nakakalimutan na may mga kapatid ako. Si Christine. Ang bunso namin. She met her husband, Marc, online. They dated for three years before he proposed. After nila ikasal, he sponsored her to go to Canada para doon na sila tumira."

"Saan sa Canada."

"Sa Saskatoon."

"That's in the next province over. Malapit lang sa akin."

"Sa Calgary ka daw nakatira sabi ni Hugo?"

"Oo."

Napaisip ako kung ano pa kaya ang mga kinuwento ni Kuya kay Nicole.

She seemed to know a lot about me already.

Ang daldal talaga ni Kuya kahit kelan.

Naputol ang pag-uusap namin ng lumapit ang isang lalake who looked like he just finished high school.

He had a boy-next-door appeal and a very charming smile.

Very neat din siya sa all black uniform na jeans at polo shirt.

Bumati siya ng good afternoon bago inabot ang laminated menu.

"Mahilig ka pa din sa cheeseburger?" Tanong ni Nicole habang binubuklat ang menu.

"Yes."

Tanda pa din pala niya ang tungkol dito.

"Iyon ba ang gusto mong kainin?"

"No. I'll order something else."

Dahil hindi pa kami nakakapili na kakainin, Nicole told the waiter to give them us more time.

He took one more look at her bago umalis.

Hindi na bago sa akin ang ganitong reaksiyon ng mga tao when it comes to Nicole.

Attractive siya noon pa man.

Habang nakatingin sa menu, umilaw ang phone ko na nakapatong sa table.

Sabay kaming napatingin.

"Girlfriend mo?" She had a teasing smile.

Biglang uminit ang mukha ko sa tanong niya.

Hindi ako agad nakasagot.

"Ang pula ng mukha mo." Lalong na-amuse si Nicole sa itsura ko.

"Why did you ask that?"

"Para namang hindi ko alam."

"How did you know? Wala naman akong sinabi sa'yo."

"Bukod kasi sa nasesense ko na dati, very uncomfortable ka kapag napupunta ang usapan natin sa mga manliligaw or boyfriends. Aside from that, ang liwanag ng phone mo. I could read the message from here."

Kahit nakangiti siya habang nagpapaliwanag, lalo lang akong hindi mapakali.

Am I that obvious kahit pa hindi pa ako ladlad dati?

"Are you still in the closet?" Sinara ni Nicole ang menu at pinatong sa table.

"Not anymore. No."

I know I should feel proud but there was a tinge of guilt in my expression.

I think it was because the whole time we were in school, I kept everything a secret.

"Then why do you looked embarrassed?"

Nadagdagan ang init na naramdaman ko.

Bigla akong pinagpawisan.

It had nothing to do with Nicole finding out now.

Mas nahihiya ado na kahit close kami dati, hindi ko magawang umamin sa kanya.

I have a valid reason.

Brokenhearted ako ng time na iyon.

Kahit gusto ko na may mapagsabihan, the fact that Lise was still married discouraged me from telling anyone.

Kasama na doon si Nicole.

"Hindi naman kasi madali."

"Tell me about it." Pagsang-ayon niya.

"When I came out to my family, I thought I would die."

"What?" Ako naman ang nagulat.

This was news to me.

Pero tumawa lang si Nicole sa reaksiyon ko.

"Hindi ba halata?"

"No." Umiling ako.

Kinuwento niya sa akin na pagkatapos ng graduation, kinausap niya ang family niya.

"Kadarating lang namin sa bahay after we had dinner. Akala ko isusuka ko lahat ng kinain ko."

"Anong sabi nila?"

"Si Mommy, umiyak. Niyakap siya ni Daddy. Si Ate Kim at Christine naman, niyakap ako tapos sinabi na it's okay. Sabi ni Ate, may idea daw siya pero hinihintay niya lang na ako ang magsabi sa kanila."

Ngumiti siya at nagliwanag ang mga mata.

"Before that moment, takot na takot ako. Naisip ko din na magbackout kasi parang hindi ko kaya. But after the words were out, para akong nakawala sa hawla. It felt so freeing you know?"

"Hindi sila nagalit sa'yo?"

"Nang makarecover na si Mama, sinabi niya na kaya siya umiyak kasi natatakot siya para sa akin. Hindi daw madali ang buhay na pinili ko."

"How did she know that?"

"My mother has gay and lesbian cousins. Magkapatid si Uncle at si Tita. Iyong uncle ko, alcoholic. Dinadaan sa alak ang frustrations niya. Hindi pa din siya makapagladlad sa family niya dahil siya ang panganay. Sa balikat niya nakapatong ang pangangalaga sa magulang niya. I think it also had to do with the fact that when Tita came out, pinalayas ito. Sinabihan na hindi na siya puwedeng bumalik doon kahit kailan. Si Mommy lang ang nakakaalam na gay si Uncle. I'm sure may mga nakakahalata din at minsan dinadaan sa biro. Lalong natakot si Uncle kasi ang sabi ng tatay niya, siya mismo ang papatay kay Uncle kung bakla ito."

Huminga siya ng malalim.

"Sabi pa ni Mommy, mahal na mahal nila ako. They don't want me to suffer like my uncle and my aunt."

"You're lucky."

Pagkasabi ko nito, kumunot ang noo ni Nicole.

Nahalata niya yata kung ano ang ibig kong ipahiwatig.

"Nagalit ang parents mo?"

"Noong una, nagalit si Nanay. Si Tatay naman, tahimik lang siya noong umpisa. Pero pinagtanggol niya ako when things got bad."

"What about Hugo at saka iyong Ate mo? Estee? That's her name, right? You were all named after fragrances?"

Tumango ako.

"We don't talk."

"You don't? Why?"

"She wasn't happy."

"With you being gay? Or with whom you're with?"

Natigilan ako.

"What do you mean by that?"

May kinuwento ba sa kanya si Kuya Hugo?

"Para sa akin, dalawang bagay lang naman iyan eh. Given na iyong kapag gay or lesbian or however you identify, hindi agad matatanggap ng mga tao. Suwerte mo na lang if they say they support you or love you kahit ano ka pa. The other thing is, they don't like whom you're with. May mga kakilala ako na sinisisi ng magulang nila ang mga girlfriends or boyfriends nila. Tinatawag na bad influence. Kesyo hindi naman daw sila ganoon before nila nakilala ang mga significant others nila. It was short of saying na hindi mabuti para sa kanila ang mga karelasyon nila. Alam mo iyong kulang na lang sabihin na they're better off without them?"

Tinitigan ako ni Nicole bago ito nagsalita ulit.

"For you, which one is it?"

Umilaw ulit ang phone ko.

Kinuha ko sa table at binuksan ang message.

It was a picture of Lise lying on the bed.

Suot niya ang lacy lavender nightdress na binili ko para sa kanya.

Her lips were red and puckered.

Parang gusto ko tuloy siyang halikan.

It's been two days since we last saw each other.

Miss ko na siya.

I clicked on the kiss emoji then pressed sent.

"God, your smile after looking at that picture." Nakangiti din si Nicole.

"Is she worth it?"

"Yes, she is."