Ship: Brendon/Ryan
Words: 543

(Dedicated to Angel even though he doesn't have a Wattpad. Thank you... and I'm not attracted to you in this way. For the story's sake, I had to make it this way.)

(A/N: Sorry about making Ryan so depressed/suicidal in this.)

"Hey," Brendon calls, "Ryan, can I talk to you?"

My heart sinks, my heart thumping in his chest because I know exactly what Brendon found. He had been snooping around my desk after all. That's... that's where it all happens. Late at night next to the full moon through the clear window. The only things keeping me company are the shimmering stars and the bright silver moon in the black canvas sky.

A pen and paper and nothing to write but letters to family and friends.

I should have hidden those better...

"Coming!" I call back, walking down the stairs. I don't want to face this. I can't face this. Please.

Brendon tugs me by my arm as soon as I hit the bottom step. I'm going to cry.

"What are these?" Brendon growled, shoving a handful of letters in my face. My shaky hands pull one from his fingers as I read over the letter. This one was from Saturday (go to band song meaning book and look this song up).

Hey Mom, hi Dad

By the time you're reading this, I probably have a stomach full of pills and I'm lying on the bathroom floor.

I know. I thought I was getting better, too. I guess the doctors weren't right because I still can't find a purpose here. What am I supposed to do? Live a real life for 5 short years that I won't even remember, learn about things that will never apply to my life for 16, then go off to work for another 30 or 40 until I get too old. Live the rest of it in pain, waiting for death to take me? It's stupid. I hate it.

There isn't a purpose here. I wanted to go. I'm in a better place, now.

I love you,

-Ryan

My knees give out under me and I fall to them sobbing. Can't I just leave? Can't this just end?

"Ryan, hey," Brendon leans down so he's on his knees beside me.

"I'm so sorry..." I whisper, choking slightly, "I'm so so sorry..."

Brendon pulls me into a hug and keeps me there firmly, "Ryan, you have nothing to apologize for. It's not your choice to be suicidal... I just wish you didn't..."

I sob into his shoulder, I don't know where all this emotion is coming from but it helps. I want to empty myself of everything. I want this to be a dream and I can wake up where Brendon didn't find out—

No.

I want to wake up where I don't want to die in the first place. Where I'm not a complete fuckup. Where I'm not falling for someone who will never catch me.

I want to have a perfect world where I'm happy and I don't have to worry about all this shit. I want to live in a world where I'm numb to love and I'm not a completely heartbroken mess.

Where he might love me.