Ship: Pete/Mikey
Words: 1720

(Sorry if this is kind of confusing, tried to write something sad but I suck at it)

My name's Mikey.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess I'm just bored. Depressed. Kind of want to die. The same shit as usual.   God I hope nobody finds this. It's a little embarrassing to be honest. Anyways. I met Pete Wentz today at warped tour. He's the bassist in Fall Out Boy. He's cool. It would be cool if we became friends or something but I doubt it would work out. I don't know he just seems like a really chill guy, you know? I'm talking to a fucking journal. What's wrong with me? I have no clue. Bye for now.

The pages are now littered with my tears. The black pen splotched in the drops of sadness.

June 7th, 2005

I should probably start dating these. It's been three days since my last entry. He let me cuddle with him. I like him but no homo. I'm straight. It was kind of awkward but I think I liked it. A guilty pleasure I guess.

June 8th, 2005

I think I'm gay. Pete is hot. Like... Attractive. Oh god what is wrong with me? I shouldn't be gay.

June 10th, 2005

Pete and I were alone today. Everyone else was out at the bonfire but we decided to stay in the bus because it was cold outside. He kissed me... One thing led to another and we had sex. I'm still not sure if it was fucking or making love but I don't care. It was amazing and I don't regret it. When I woke up, there was a note in lipstick on my arm.

Taken 6/10

June 17th, 2005

I think we're just friends. Really close friends. So it guess it was casual. I don't have feelings for him, though. I don't think so at least. We made love

It's crossed through.

Had sex again. It was amazing. I don't think I've even had a better fuck. I honestly suck. I might ask him to show me how to get better so in the future I can be better to him. But we do only have two months, don't we? I'll make it last. When I woke up, there was writing on my arm again and he was gone. Again.

No homo

Turn the page. My hands are shaking so much I nearly rip the sheet. But I don't.

June 20th, 2005

We're in Mexico. We sat on a bridge and talked for a long time. The sun was bright and it was honestly beautiful. We talked about life. I told him I was feeling really down before the warped tour but since I've met him, I'm happier. I think he's my best friend, I've never been so close to someone before. We didn't fuck today but he did kiss me a lot. Is that normal for friends in a casual affair?

June 24th, 2005

Gerard asked me about Pete today. He asked if I was in love with him. It's not. There's no way I'm in love with Pete fucking Wentz. That's crazy. We're just friends. I promise. Anyways, he said he heard us and he said that if I needed tips he'd help me. That was embarrassing. I just said no and he shrugged and left. A little later, I was in our bus and Pete came in. We went outside for a bit and smoked. It's been a while since I last had a cigarette. It was relieving, honestly, there's so much stress with the warped tour and shit. We watched the sun set again. It was beautiful. Just him and I. I fell asleep at some point and woke up in his arms a little bit later. The stars were out and since we were taking a break for the night, we were able to watch for a while. There wasn't any light pollution. I saw the Milky Way. He held me close that night and I remember what he said as we gazed up, "The stars may the light to their world but you're the light to mine." I didn't reply. The only thing I think I could reply with was, "I love you," but I don't. I don't think I do at least. We're just friends.

I turn the page again.

June 30th, 2005

We sat in front of the bonfire yesterday. Frank played guitar and Gerard sang Helena. Patrick went to bed early, Joe, Andy, Ray, Pete, and I all kind of just watched the fire for a while. He let me lay in his arms, too. Nobody seemed to mind. We went to bed after a while and slept with Pete. Woke up this morning and he was gone but there was another note.

My light to my world

July 5th, 2005

It was the fourth. Some guys from the other bands on tour managed to sneak some fireworks. Pete and I talked for a while and watched Gerard, Joe and Andy be stupid. It was entertaining though. We had sparklers and we were in the middle of nowhere so we didn't have to worry about cops too much. There were so many lights. I loved it. They were so beautiful and I just love fireworks. He kept kissing me whenever he got a chance but when I asked if he wanted to go inside and fuck, he said no. He just said he liked kissing me. So I let him kiss me and I kissed back.

The page turns again. Like machinery, I keep reading, unable to stop until someone presses my off switch.

July 7th, 2005

We're already halfway through tour. I don't want to leave. I want to stay with Pete. We're best friends. We had sex again. It was rough tonight and I topped for the first time because Patrick kept getting touchy with Pete. He's mine. I... I don't know if I should have, though. Friends don't do that. He didn't leave a note and he was gone in the morning. I'm kind of worried.

July 13th, 2005

I'm so confused. I hate it. I don't know if I'm in love. I can't be in love. We're just friends. I'm not gay, I can't be gay. I'm straight, I've had girlfriends in the past why is Pete any different? I'm just pissed.

July 20th, 2005

I got into a fight with Pete today. He kept kissing me and I told him to stop and when he asked why I just exploded. I don't know why but I just yelled at him about how friends don't do that to each other. It shouldn't be like that. And then I left. He hasn't come to check in on me yet. I hate him. But I don't at the same time and I don't know why.

July 21st, 2005

Pete ignored me today. I ignored him. Gerard asked what's wrong. I didn't tell him anything.

July 22nd, 2005

Patrick sang a song at the bonfire tonight. It went something like,

It was the fork in the pie
You and I were in the works
That went on to spoon
And I missed you in the June bloom too

I don't know. He's hard to understand but Pete wrote it.

I don't even know when I'm turning the pages anymore. I've lost count. I'm losing track of time. I'm losing myself.

July 25th, 2005

I row
A goodbye now
In lisstick on yah ah
When you pass ow

I can't understand Pete's lyrics. We still haven't talked for a while.

August 1st, 2005

Put another ex on the calendar
Summer's on its deathbed
There is simply nothing worse than knowing how it ends

The lyrics were easier to understand but I still don't understand how he's making songs so fast. That and

Baby, you were my pickih fes
I'm his Sistine you
Now and then

August 7th, 2005

Five more days until it's all over. I haven't talked to Pete in over two weeks. I miss him. I want him back but the tour is almost over. Why do I miss him? I shouldn't. I don't love him. I can't love him.

August 13th, 2005

Warped tour is over. I guess I'm done with this for now.

August 15th, 2005

How could I be so stupid?

I really am useless. He loves me. All those songs were about me.

It was the Fourth of July
You and I were fireworks
That went off too soon
And I miss you in the June gloom, too
//
I wrote a goodbye note
In lipstick on your arm
When you passed out
//
Baby you were my picket fence
I miss missing you now and then

He loves me. Pete loves me. It's too fucking late, though. He's gone and I can't get him back. What's wrong with me? Oh my god I'm such a fuckup.

August 17th, 2005

I called him today. He didn't pick up. I'm losing hope. I love him. I love him so much. I've lost all hope. I need him. It's driving me insane and I just need to talk to him.

August 19th, 2005

I wrote a goodbye note on lipstick on my arm.

Goodbye, Pete.

I loved you.

Blood. There's blood on the page. dried, dark red blood.

Mikey's blood.

It was warm at one point. Warm, metallic.

I wipe my tears, absolutely devastated. He's gone. Gone forever and he's never coming back. And it's my fault.

I set the notebook on the soft dirt of the freshly dug grave. Mikey's notebook.

Take this to your grave.

I can't focus on anything. Everything is a snippet of reality. I should have been there for him when he needed me and I should have held him close. I should have tried to help him. I know about his depression and I know he was suicidal before warped tour. He didn't deserve to die. He shouldn't have died but now he's gone and I'm left a heartbroken mess. It hurts me.

I look up to his name set in stone.

In memory of
Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz III

Beside it, his lover's

And
Michael James Way
Rest in Peace

I miss you Pete.

-Patrick